My world's been destroyed

[Sukistjames]

Tonight after 13 years together my husband has said he's leaving me. Completely out of the blue.
We have two DC together and I don't know how I'm going to get thorough this.

I would put money on OW been involved.

So would I. I've never known a man who moved out unless he had somewhere/one to move out to. Sorry, OP, but I think he's been deceitful for some time.

Patricia
Had emptied our accounts and left us (3dc) with nothing.
Then about a month later my neighbour called me at work to say he was at the house with a van (I hadn't changed locks at this point) by the time I'd got home nearly all the furniture had gone.

What a bastard!

I truly can't understand this - even if you HATE your spouse/OH - your children should surely still mean something to you. Some men are toads,

Patricia

And his OW must have been a real cow to let him doit.

OP, this time 3 years ago, my husband of 13 years did exactly the same. I am sorry to say that there was an OW despite denials and him just wanting to "be on his own", my youngest was 2.5 and undergoing diagnosis for autism at the time. I am sorry to say that his promises of still paying the bills yada yada yada stopped very quickly.

My advice to you is get into a solicitor quickly. However shit you feel, photocopy everything, ensure you have access to bank accounts, credit cards, have copies of all certificates, passports. Inform everybody and change passwords if necessary. Tell your mortgage provider. Apply for benefits if necessary, sort out council tax, get all utilities, Sky/whatever in your name, car insurance, mobiles etc because the shock of all that being cut off floored me.

I am being hugely practical here but I KNOW, I totally know the heartrending, soul destroying pain that you are dealing with now. I can tell you that you will get through it, I can tell you that your kids will survive, I can tell you that you will emerge stronger and amaze yourself with what you are capable of.

Keep posting, talk often, take every last bit of help you are offered. Eat as much as you are able, even if it's just soup or a protein shake, expect to lose weight. Keep hydrated, try try try and sleep. Tell the children's school asap. Get to know the school family liaison/welfare person. Tell everybody, don't be embarrassed, you need the support. I know none of this is easy. I still bear the scars but my God is life better....it really is.

I send you huge hugs, a hand hold if you need it and a promise that you will work your way through this, that there is life on the other side and that he will fucking well regret being such a twat in years to come.

Thinking of you

So sorry you're going through this OP

Tough one especially when it comes as a total shock.

My ex left me randomly one evening after 6 years, months before we were due to get married. 'I just don't love you anymore' was the same line I got... then I found the messages between him and OW.

Thankfully the best thing to happen to me... I'm now married with 1st DC on the way.

You will come through this xx

I've never known a man who moved out unless he had somewhere/one to move out to.

I have tbh

I agree with others though about the bills etc. What he says now might not be the case in the future.

For starters unless he is a high earner he may not physically be able to pay for two places.

Oh that's so shit OP. I don't have any words of wisdom I'm afraid but I would need to ask himwhy? Won't change anything but I'd need to know.

I've been through this 8 years ago it was out of the blue and hit me like a ton of bricks. I had given everything up and he shitted on me at the greatest height.

He was nice at first and quickly turned nasty, he had been planning when the time was right to leave for some time so he was somewhat cold where as it was raw and fresh to me. I had great family and friends , I quickly got a job put DS in childcare which gave me a focus, it took me about a year to feel myself again, at times i cried and broke down especially when I saw pictures of him out with ow whilst i cared for our baby he wasn't seeing, i lost so much weight i was 7 stone and a size 6.

My advice would be surround yourself with family its good your sister came up to stay with you, don't panic things have a way of working out it might seem it daunting at the moment but it does get better, make sure you eat. Be on your guard with your ex they have a hidden agenda, I always say someone always shows there true colours after a split. Keep your cards close to your chest and don't get into conversations about any plans with the house etc and get legal advice.

You sob away.
It's amazing how our bodies can produce so many tears.
Hearing OW is hard.
But no need to focus on that for now.
Unfortunately so many of us on here have hindsight so we know the script.

CAB is a good start.
Take your time though.
Look after you for now.
I hope your mum gave you tea sympathy and lots of hugs.

Try to only communicate with him regarding access to kids.
You don't want him inside your head right now.
You already have enough going on in there.

And I know it's hard but try...really try...to see him as 'the enemy'. It's so tempting to fold, to try to crawl into his arms and beg forgiveness for whatever you've done...but the truth is, you won't have done anything. And he can't give you that 'forgiveness' because he doesn't want to. He's gone already, and probably has been in his head for a long time.

And don't worry about crying - when I had to change my banking and apply for benefits, I cried to all the people at the end of the phone and in real life - and they were lovely about it!

And don't under estimate him. Mine was a loving kind and thoughtful husband and father, then buggered off to the other side of the world to get over what he described as a 'horrible empty marriage'. I beat myself up for months thinking I was in some way responsible for him going, and made some silly decisions about finances etc as I thought it was my fault he had left. Turned out it was OW all along, and I have regretted my decisions back then which have impacted on my life ever since. Just harden your heart and your mind towards him, and don't believe any crap he feeds you at the moment. Focus on doing the best for you and your DC's, both financially and emotionally.

My dad left my mum out of the blue after 30 years. Ended up running away to Thailand in his own and cut us all off

Also it's very rare for a man to leave without someone else lined up, otherwise who would do all the cooking and cleaning

He's staying with his friend for what he says may be months. If there was an OW surely he'd be straight there.
He's on his way over - hand hold please.

Hand holding right here Suki.

Later on today, take some time to re read last night's post from TheFormidableMrsC. It contains the best list of practical advice for any person in this situation.

Do you know who he's staying with? After my ex left he told me he was going to his mums, turned out he was with OW

Be strong!

Just remember something, they run straight to the OW when there is undeniable proof. When he has been caught red handed.

In other cases, they lie and minimise all the way for fear of being painted as the "bad guy" in the break up of the marriage. So much easier, for everyone if a "new" woman is met 3 or 4 months down the line. Especially for her. That is often the thinking behind such situations.

I'm really sorry

I'm sorry. You will get through it. It's the lack of control that is so devastating- you're presented with a change that you haven't chosen and basically it's a massive shock. Be kind to yourself, and see it as a change which you know have to confront and get through. I know that makes it sound very logical and it's not that easy, but I hope you know what I mean. It will get easier as you adjust. So get through one day at a time at the moment. Make sure you get some solid assurances re money, help with DCs etc.

OP, of course he will say he is staying with a friend for what 'could be months'. He doesn't want you to know that he has left you for OW. What will happen is he will stay with the friend for a month or two, whilst sorting out accommodation etc for him and the OW. He will then tell you he has 'just' met someone else. This is what I meant when I said don't feed off his crap. Further down the line, it may, or may not, come out that the woman he has 'just met' has in fact been around for a lot longer. He will not admit to OW unless you get absolute proof that she exists.

He may never admit to an OW, ever, even when presented with absolute proof. Some of these pricks are inveterate liars.