To feel harrassed about OH's affair?

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Last summer the bottom fell out of my world.

I received a facebook message from husband of a woman that my OH had been having an affair with for at least 3 years, possibly much longer.

At the time our DD was nearly 3 and the message said that they had been having an affair throughout my pregnancy and beyond. It also said that OH was worried this woman's kid was his.

At the time I debated leaving OH but decided against it, because I love him and he is a fantastic father. He promised me it was over and I decided to trust him again. We moved back to my home town and over the past year we have rebuilt our lives here and we have been happy.

The woman's husband bothered me on facebook and twitter, asking me if I was leaving OH, telling me all kinds of disgusting things about what OH had done with his wife. I told him to leave me alone and blocked him.

Then yesterday I got a message on Facebook from a woman I've never heard of telling me about the same stuff. She doesn't say any more than the husband did. I showed OH the message and he got angry with me for a) being on facebook and b) dredging up the past.

AIBU to be really upset about this again? Who is this woman? Why is she telling me about this again? Am I being stalked? Should I delete my facebook account? Come off social media altogether just to stop people harrassing me about this? AIBU to be suspicious about what my OH is up to?

[LornaMumsnet]

Hi all,

We're moving this thread over to relationships now!

Welcome to Mumsnet OP

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Yohoho - no one knows everything I have said here. I went through agony last year. Not ready to do that again. I have a weekend away with my mum and sister soon and I will talk to them. I suspect mum will tell me to stay with him and sister will never speak to OH again.

adora1 - has something like this ever happened to you? It's not that black and white and simple.

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Thank you Lornamumsnet

[nauticant]

And we just bought a house we can't really afford

Do you think you did this to bind yourself into the relationship?

I think you do need counselling, although for you rather than couple's counselling. You sound like you are continually fighting to suppress things that you are worried would overwhelm you.

[Pisssssedofff]

My mum did the stand by your man speech too, she regrets it now .... You could get hit by a bus tomorrow, the house etc none of it really matters. By staying with him, you are wasting the one thing that's utterly utterly priceless time and your youth

[adora1]

OP, yes and I got out right away, I value myself and my children and wouldn't stay with a man that thought it ok to have an affair with OW for years!

I know it's not black and white, his deceit is, it's plain to see for everyone.

I would urge anyone to work at a relationship, they are hard work at times and take a lot of effort and kindness but this, sorry no way I'd get past it but I understand we are all different, I just don't see another life for you OP if you carry on like nothing has happened, it must be there all the time, the massive elephant in the room.

Did you separate at all once you found out, has he had any consequence at all because if not, I fear you will be back here again in the future.

Counselling for you at the very least may help you make sense of it all and what you want to do in the future.

[Sohardtochooseausername]

nauticant - probably. Also flats in nice areas are expensive in my hometown. I agree I do need a bit of therapy. I've not had any since I was about 19. Then it was all about realising that adults make mistakes and you are only responsible for your own decisions. That still holds, but it is difficult.

Pisssedofff - well hopefully I can do the right thing one day... I am nearly 40 and scared.

[Pisssssedofff]

Sohardtochooseausername. I'm not going to pretend for a moment that it's easy. Could you afford your share of the mortgage if you booted him out ?

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Pissssedoff I couldn't afford my share of the mortgage if I booted him out. We'd need to rent the flat out and move somewhere much cheaper. Or I'd ask my dad to help me out, god knows he owes me big time!

[Pisssssedofff]

I'd start asking the question of your dad now then, just start mentally putting together a plan. Can you get promoted at work, a better job all that sort of things so when you do finally have the laptop moment it affect him but not you.

[SandyY2K]

I have no reason to believe he is still cheating on me. If I ever do again then that will be it.

You didn't have any reason to suspect for 3 years either did you though? And it sounds like it only stopped because they got caught.

Does a fantastic father risk the sexual health of their child's mother or their unborn child ? Because he did just that by having sex with another woman without protection. Enough times to think he fathered her child as well.

His anger about this would seal it for me. 3 years or more of a betrayal and he has the cheek to get angry with yo. Wow! Just wow!

[Sohardtochooseausername]

I'm about to start a new job Pissssedofff. It's not a payrise but a sideways step into something that should help to develop my career in a new direction.

I'm scared of talking to anyone in my family about it because everyone is getting on so well at the moment, I don't want to be the one to rock the boat. I think I might be brave enough one day but I need to get myself in order first.

[adora1]

And I'd be telling him to get a DNA on that kid before I played any happy families with him again.

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Yes Sandy - I didn't really go for it last night because I was quite taken aback by his reaction.

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Adora1 - we slept in separate rooms for about 6 weeks last year. Then he begged me to forgive him. I should probably have kicked him out then, he would have understood how angry I was.

It really makes me angry how little he seems to realise how hurt I was and how much I have tried to forgive him.

[adora1]

So nobody knows, effectively you are keeping his dirty little secret, looks to me the only person suffering here is you, so unfair, everything is going in HIS favour and he's the one who has destroyed the marriage, amazing.

Getting on, you mean you're pretending he really is as nice as he is portraying to them.

Sorry I really don't mean to be harsh, I am just imaging my own daughter telling me this, I'd actually have even stronger words that these!

[adora1]

Nope sorry just not enough, the only thing in his cosy life that changed was a bed!

You can still kick him out OP!

I think for you to heal or even actually make a decision based on your sensible thought processes he needs to be gone, for as long as you say, not him!

His attitude towards is fucken awful, getting angry at you?

[SandyY2K]

Your OH needs to read this

www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

[SandyY2K]

If you are not married to him .... don't marry him. You'll be at a financial loss in the event of a divorce as the breadwinner and end up paying him alimony.

[leaveittothediva]

With all respect OP, your husband caused this. He should be doing his best to sort it. It's not his place to get angry. His job now is to listen to your concerns and do his best to reassure you he made a big mistake, and thats the price he pays for his infidelity. I mean, I wonder why these people are so interested in you going after you. It's your OH that had the affair, he should get the hassle.

[Sohardtochooseausername]

We are not married. He has never wanted to marry me. We have both been married before. His ex wife cheated on him apparently and perhaps that is why I felt secure for so long, that he would never do something like that to me.

[Sohardtochooseausername]

leaveittothediva I guess that is why I suspect there is no smoke without fire, he must have been in the affair for quite a long time and the husband wants to destroy our relationship.

[Bluntness100]

Ffs, she doesn't say she thinks it's the husband, that was someone else's little conspiracy theory.

She doesn't know who this woman is.

Op. it reads like uou don't want to address this. And that's your choice. Of course uour mother will tell you to stay, because that's what she did, didn't she.

For me, my take is uou don't want to know, and possibly deep down suspect he's still at it. You state as much in the last sentence in uour op.

So either message her back and ask who she is and why she's contacting uou, or just put up and shut up basically,

You said you wanted better for your child, but the reality is I don't think uou really do, I think uou want a nice flat and comfortable, easy life more.

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Bluntness100, I appreciate your bluntness. I don't want to dignify these idiots with any kind of response. After all, I am not involved in their silly games. It's about me, my child, my partner's life and what is the right thing to do.

If he is telling me the truth and hasn't done anything since we were serious, that they are telling me lies then I need to forgive him and move on.

If it is still going on or went on for way longer than he claims then I should leave him.

If I leave him, I want to do that at the right moment for me and my lovely daughter.

I know all too well the damage my father did to my self esteem, I don't want that for DD.

I know the impact of my parents' breakup lasted for decades. My DM is still not really over it despite being in a 2nd marriage for the last 20 years. I don't want that for me, or my DD.

So some of it yes, is practical. Where would we live? How would we manage? Some of it is when would be the right time to separate?

I have shut this out of my mind for so long, I am only really beginning to explore how I really feel. I can't do something impulsive that will completely change the course of our lives.

[IrianOfW]

He should not be angry. He doesn't get that right. There is something wrong here. SOrry.