Just been called a selfish cunt (need a vent.)

[snapyap]

I feel like an idiot coming back and saying that once again dh has called me a cunt in front of our son for a relatively small offence.

We came back into the house after being out this morning and let the dog out into the garden to have a wee. The dog stepped in some dog poo and walked it through the living room. I locked the dog outside again and I asked dh to pick up our 17mo ds to stop him stepping in it. He said 'no, he wants to clean the dog's paws first'. I say, 'leave the dog's paws and let me sort the floor out, so that ds can go back down', because he likes to be down and play and explore. I disinfect the floor, and then it occurs to me that it's lunch time and ds can go in his high chair and have lunch and that keeps him off the wet floor and frees up dh for cleaning the dog's paws. He says, 'if you bring me the high chair, I'll put him in it'. It's only a few feet away from him so I say 'no, I'm making ds' lunch so just pop him in it'. I make the lunch and bring it through and say, 'ok you can do the dogs paws now'. He then starts arguing with me saying I'd offered to do it - I am adament I didn't. He then says, 'oh you get the easy job of feeding ds then while I clean dog's paws'. I just ask him again to clean the dogs paws and ask him to pick him up so he doesn't walk poo in the house when I've just cleaned it. So he says, 'you really are a selfish cunt'. He lets the dog into the house, who still has poo all over him. He cleans the paws and then shouts, you will need to mop the whole downstairs again. (It's a small house) he's stomped off upstairs.

Is this ridiculous or what. Was I wrong?

[BerylStreep]

I would also see a solicitor about your legal position, and would most definitely not be tying up any further assets in a new house.

[snapyap]

Initially yes he physically stopped me leaving by standing in front of the door. Then he was just saying via WhatsApp that I could leave but I couldn't take ds with me (ds is still bf, he bfs to sleep and in the night so I can't really leave him for a night even if I'd want to). And he refused to leave himself. I asked for one night of space and he wouldn't allow me that! It won't be an empty threat this time. Ive never heard of the freedom programme, I'll look it up!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Abusers are not nasty all the time and now he has gone back into being "nice" again to you. Its all an act designed to keep you in line, he will not be able to keep up the nice act. The nice/nasty cycle he is showing you is infact a continuous one.

He knows you will not leave, besides which you are still there after his last diatribe at you and your child. Is that really what you want to teach your child about relationships, your man knows you make empty threats and you won't currently leave him. Its really one hell of a screwed up lesson to teach your child.

Re your comment:-
"I've told him that the next time he swears at me like that I'm most certainly leaving and I plan to stick to that"

It won't take long for him to start on you again. He hears that from you and laughs inwardly because he knows that is an empty promise from you. He also barred you from leaving last time and you're still there.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

His threat to make you leave DS behind is an empty one; most abusive men use their partner's Achilles heel i.e. the child to get their chosen victim into line. He does not want the child really, he sees the child as a way of getting back at you. And it worked.

Abusive men rarely if ever leave of their own accord (because they like having their victim around to control); you will have to apply legal means against him.

[snapyap]

Atilla I know it's wrong that my child is going to learn how to treat women from these incidents. I'm scared that me and his dad not being together will mess his mental health up in the future.

[user1471950254]

This man does not respect you to ever call you that word. By staying you are not respecting yourself & your child will grow up believing that type of situation is normal and healthy.

Please do not tolerate this for either of your sakes.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I'm scared that me and his dad not being together will mess his mental health up in the future"

Its messing up your mental health now and your son will pick up on it.
It will mess up your son's emotional wellbeing long term if you and his dad do stay together. Your son is seeing you being abused by his dad. Please do not do your bit to show your son that yes, this is how women are treated in relationships by their H.

Your H can still see his son and be a parent to him if he chooses to do so when you separate. I would certainly formalise all contact arrangements on a legal footing. No informal arrangement should be done.

[user1471950254]

OP you can go on a mortgage with no income. The mortgage is taken in both names and it treats you as £0 income with him having all bills. I'm really concerned if he has made you believe this (in addition to other concerns as above)

[ChuckGravestones]

've told him that the next time he swears at me like that I'm most certainly leaving and I plan to stick to that

What happens when he blocks the door again?

You need to wait until he thinks he is safe again, relaxes and then get the fuck out of there. Meanwhile get your ducks in order, get your paperwork safely copied and put away somewhere safe and be ready to leave at any minute. The next time you are out of line it is likely to escalate.

[snapyap]

Talk to me about getting ducks in a row? What kind of ducks? I'm quite young and rubbish so don't know about these things.

[Softkitty2]

You need to call him out on it. It doesnt matter who was wrong or right in the argument. He should not call u names. Tell him the argument is irrelevant and he is NEVER to call you that again.

Stop making excuses for him.

[LostPlatypus]

Although there are many things that can contribute to mental health issues, including a lot of things that you can't predict or do anything about, I do want to say that my mother stayed with my father because she thought that was best for me and my brother. I spent my whole childhood wishing that my father wasn't around, and my mental health is actually significantly messed up as a result of how my father treated me as a child.

I also had to teach myself how to treat people/make friends etc because everything that I had learned from my parents was pretty much the opposite of what I should do. I still hugely struggle socially, have few friends and am single.

Now obviously I can't predict the future, I just wanted to give you another perspective.

[snapyap]

Thank you- I know you are right.

Anyone able to tell me what that deleted message was?

[Softkitty2]

A poster said u were the c word

[snapyap]

Wtf? Why!

[sarahnova69]

Someone randomly decided to drop by and be an abusive dick, don't worry about it. Not about you, there are just a lot of strange people in the world, and worrying about that kind of thing is a waste of your time.

Re: ducks in a row, people are suggesting you secretly work out a plan to cover the practical and legal stuff: filing for divorce, getting him out of the house, making sure you have copies of important documents in a sage place outside the house, ensuring he doesn't clean out any shared bank accounts, etc. Talking to the CAB and Womens Aid would be good places to start.

[Hastalapasta]

Because they were looking to upset you. Sorry but it does happen occasionally. MNHQ are pretty hot on picking it up.

[snapyap]

I've seen them on a couple of other threads too, and being deleted. Small minded, hateful troll. I almost lost my nerve then and stopped posting but this thread has been extremely helpful! Thanks for your advice.

[Ilovemygsd]

This thread is as helpful as the others you've made about him, but you won't take the advice. sorry to say love but you're a mug. Ppl can only treat you badly if u let them. Walk away. Have some self respect & think about your child

[snapyap]

Thanks ilove. very frank of you!

[Ilovemygsd]

Well sometimes frank is what is needed, I have actually been quite sympathetic on previous posts as I've been in a similar situation, but now I guess I'm like the friend with the new coat. There's that saying "can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink"....

[snapyap]

Yes, I understand and appreciate knowing that this is how I'm coming across. I was able to tell the friend with the coat the proper tale and she was fuming and agreed it was all wrong.

[twattymctwatterson]

Op do you accept you are being abused? You are walking on eggshells modifying your behaviour so he doesn't blow up. He is refusing to let you leave the house and refusing to leave when you ask him. Emotional Abuse is illegal and if you report his behaviour to the police they will come and remove him from the property. How long do you want your life to be like this? He will not change I can assure you, in fact the abuse will likely get worse and yes at some point it'll likely get physical.
I think you see yourself as young and not capable, he wants you to think that. You need to get away as much for your son as yourself. Believe me growing up in a one parent household is so much better than an abusive one

[OneTiredMummmyyy]

OP, I sympathise with you. I am currently splitting up from my EA ex P. We have two DC under 3 and I was so sad reading through this thread.

I have posted on here on the last few years about XP's behaviour under different names and the advice was always LTB. I thought "that's a bit harsh" but actually they were all spot on. I wish I had left sooner.

The signs were there: he resented my family after a minor disagreement, we relocated near to his family, he was always telling me I needed to lose x amount of weight... I wasn't good enough or sporty enough...

The EA kicked in though after I fell pregnant with DD1 and got steadily worse. I blamed the stress of having a baby. Fell pregnant again straight after as he would not take no for an answer sexually. He grabbed me hard one day and bruised me, I called police when he went out.

I have now locked him out of the jointly owned house and instructed a solicitor. It is an incredibly stressful time but life feels better now he is not in it!

If this house was in his name and we were married I would leave. Move you and your DS in with your mum for now. Do not tell H where you are. You have your savings and depending on how much they amount to you can claim benefits as you are a SAHP with no current income. Get legal advice re: the house and where you stand. Please do not let him have your savings for a house in his name!

The dog incident was bad enough but actually blocking you from leaving and demanding you leave your DS with him if you did leave..... ?! Serious warning signs there, I'm sorry. Xx