Just been called a selfish cunt (need a vent.)

[snapyap]

I feel like an idiot coming back and saying that once again dh has called me a cunt in front of our son for a relatively small offence.

We came back into the house after being out this morning and let the dog out into the garden to have a wee. The dog stepped in some dog poo and walked it through the living room. I locked the dog outside again and I asked dh to pick up our 17mo ds to stop him stepping in it. He said 'no, he wants to clean the dog's paws first'. I say, 'leave the dog's paws and let me sort the floor out, so that ds can go back down', because he likes to be down and play and explore. I disinfect the floor, and then it occurs to me that it's lunch time and ds can go in his high chair and have lunch and that keeps him off the wet floor and frees up dh for cleaning the dog's paws. He says, 'if you bring me the high chair, I'll put him in it'. It's only a few feet away from him so I say 'no, I'm making ds' lunch so just pop him in it'. I make the lunch and bring it through and say, 'ok you can do the dogs paws now'. He then starts arguing with me saying I'd offered to do it - I am adament I didn't. He then says, 'oh you get the easy job of feeding ds then while I clean dog's paws'. I just ask him again to clean the dogs paws and ask him to pick him up so he doesn't walk poo in the house when I've just cleaned it. So he says, 'you really are a selfish cunt'. He lets the dog into the house, who still has poo all over him. He cleans the paws and then shouts, you will need to mop the whole downstairs again. (It's a small house) he's stomped off upstairs.

Is this ridiculous or what. Was I wrong?

[BeMorePanda]

he's not going to get any better.
and what with the name calling, moody behaviour, stopping you leaving the house - he's abusive and won't change.

[snapyap]

My name is not on the deeds to this house nor the mortgage so I don't know legally where I'd stand with regard to who leaves the house

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You need legal advice and the help of Womens Aid asap.

I presume the property is solely in his name isn't it?. That was a deliberate move on his part as well. He probably told you some lie as well about not being able to put you on the mortgage papers.

[snapyap]

In honesty he bought the house alone before we met. I wasn't going to be on the deeds at the new house either because I can't go on the mortgage because I have no income.

[grounddown]

You can leave, it is hard though - very scary.
If you don't do it now, you should look into it for the future. Put money away and do the benefits calculator, look on rightmove at housing costs in your area.

[snapyap]

Now im stuck upstairs while the baby sleeps

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Is that what he told you?. He is a real piece of work your H.

(BTW in my former life as a mortgage processer, people without income were able to be added to a mortgage).

[snapyap]

Thank you. This is good advice. I'm going to do the benefit calculator and look on right move. Last week I also applied for a few part time jobs locally so hopefully something will turn up. Thankfully my mum would be happy to let me and ds stay there for free for as long as we need, if it comes to it.

He's now doing some housework downstairs. He always does this when we're not speaking. To prove a point? I don't know why.

[snapyap]

Atilla- seriously? Does that affect the amount of mortgage you're offered?

[Simonneilsbeard]

You don't think he'll get violent? No because he doesn't have to! He seems to have you right where he wants you already!
I know it's not easy..I spent 12 years with this kind of abuse and ending it was hard but it was best thing I ever did and I regret to this day wasting 12 years of my life! Please don't be me ..get out anyway you can xx

[hellsbellsmelons]

Why do you feel awful?
You've done nothing wrong.
He's done a real number on you and I can bet all this shit started when you were pregnant or had just had your baby.
That's when abusers often show their true colours.
This is so toxic and unhealthy for you and your DS.
Imagine what lessons he is learning about how you treat and speak to women.
Don't let him become his dad!!!
Break the cycle.

You will have an income.
You will have benefits, tax credits, maintenance payments from him.
You would survive, many thousands do you know!?

[CurtainsforRonnie]

I would try to be at your mums by tomorrow OP. Start your fresh new year early

[SootSprite]

Yup, sorry OP, I don't have an income and I'm on our joint mortgage. He's lying to you about that.

I'd definitely consider staying with your mum for a while, it will give you the space to get your head sorted about what you want to do next.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"Atilla- seriously? Does that affect the amount of mortgage you're offered?"

Well no, you being added to the mortgage would not have been a problem because they would have just gone by his earnings. The mortgage company would have advanced him the mortgage based on his income x the income multiplier the mortgage provider used.

You could have been added to the mortgage at a later date as well but he chose not to add you then either.

I would stay at your mother's for the time being; you need time and space away from this man.

[snapyap]

He never spoke to me like that until ds came along. My mum now says, yes you were both stressed and marriages are stressful. He didn't mean it. !!!!! I cant understand why she is taking his side. He is not going to apologise. He'd be happy to never talk of it again and carry on like nothing happened. I will try and talk to him about it and I'm the unreasonable one for bringing it up again.

[ElspethFlashman]

I hope you don't mind but I looked up your other threads. You have been utterly miserable for a long time. I'm so sorry.

[baconandeggies]

Name calling, sulking and tearing you apart = not acceptable behaviour. He doesn't respect you. What if your son grows up doing the same?

Empty threats won't change anything. Can you talk to Woman's Aid or similar to help you frame your thinking?

[GabsAlot]

dos it even matter if your names not o the house as youre married? not sure what the law is

did u tell your mum he tried to stop u leaving

[baconandeggies]

Oops - thread has moved on!

[snapyap]

I feel utterly broken

I have no idea what the hell to do- my mum seems to think that I should put up with it. I've told her he blocked the door etc and she said 'that's life'. !!!!!!!!!!!

[SootSprite]

Do you think you could just say to your mum ' actually it IS a big deal. It's not right that he should talk to me like that. Can ds and I come and stay for a while so I can get some space away from him? '

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

All are indicative of an abusive men.

Also your mother is of no use nor ornament; it is also through absorbing her own garbage re men that you are with this man now. She probably has taken his side in the past because she likes him, she can see some kindred spirit in him or some other nonsense that reminds him of her. She is trying to save face.

Do not even bother talking to your H; its no point and he is not prepared to listen to you. He sees you as a non person and has done for some considerable while now. I think what HellsBells has also written is spot on. Abuse is also insidious in its onset.

[BerylStreep]

So you are trapped upstairs whilst he is downstairs?

Fuck that. Phone your Mum, anyone to call round to the house and leave with them.

[Lovelybangers]

OP you do not have to live the rest of your life in an unhappy relationship.

You have a short term place to stay with your DC (your mum's), there are benefits to help out if/when you need it, you will be able to get a pt job until DC is old enough for you to work ft.

There is nothing stopping you being a single parent and being happy.

No one have EVER called me a cunt. Even people who might hate me. But most definitely not a partner/boyfriend - someone who is supposed to love and cherish you.

Good luck OP.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would remind your mother that her attitudes towards domestic abuse are outdated, not to say simply wrong. People of whatever gender do not have to put up and shut up. She is basically telling you to put up and shut up (did she actually do the same?). She cannot be at all relied upon.

Do call Womens Aid; they can and will help you here.