Just been called a selfish cunt (need a vent.)

[snapyap]

I feel like an idiot coming back and saying that once again dh has called me a cunt in front of our son for a relatively small offence.

We came back into the house after being out this morning and let the dog out into the garden to have a wee. The dog stepped in some dog poo and walked it through the living room. I locked the dog outside again and I asked dh to pick up our 17mo ds to stop him stepping in it. He said 'no, he wants to clean the dog's paws first'. I say, 'leave the dog's paws and let me sort the floor out, so that ds can go back down', because he likes to be down and play and explore. I disinfect the floor, and then it occurs to me that it's lunch time and ds can go in his high chair and have lunch and that keeps him off the wet floor and frees up dh for cleaning the dog's paws. He says, 'if you bring me the high chair, I'll put him in it'. It's only a few feet away from him so I say 'no, I'm making ds' lunch so just pop him in it'. I make the lunch and bring it through and say, 'ok you can do the dogs paws now'. He then starts arguing with me saying I'd offered to do it - I am adament I didn't. He then says, 'oh you get the easy job of feeding ds then while I clean dog's paws'. I just ask him again to clean the dogs paws and ask him to pick him up so he doesn't walk poo in the house when I've just cleaned it. So he says, 'you really are a selfish cunt'. He lets the dog into the house, who still has poo all over him. He cleans the paws and then shouts, you will need to mop the whole downstairs again. (It's a small house) he's stomped off upstairs.

Is this ridiculous or what. Was I wrong?

[snapyap]

SOrry to others that have been through worse this is the thing though, H is supportive, doesn't hit me, doesn't want me to lose weight despite being overweight since having ds, doesn't generally make threats! He is not a generally horrible man- day to day he's sweet and affectionate and playful with ds and does the lion's share of nappy changes! but sometimes these outbursts happen. V out of character.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Snapyap

re your comment:-

" H is supportive, doesn't hit me, doesn't want me to lose weight despite being overweight since having ds, doesn't generally make threats! He is not a generally horrible man- day to day he's sweet and affectionate and playful with ds and does the lion's share of nappy changes! but sometimes these outbursts happen. V out of character".

You are now backtracking furiously which often happens in these types of situations. The first three things you mention here are basic givens in a relationship in any case so I ask you why you seem so grateful for this. It shows me that your relationship bar is too low. He does not have to hit you (yet) to hurt you; that is likely to happen later on when the verbal abuse he metes out is not sufficient to punish you for being you.

He has also lied to you about the mortgage, there is no good reason why you should not be on it. The only reason you are not on it is because he does not want you on it.

He barred you from leaving yesterday as well. These "outbursts" as you call them should not be happening at all; his behaviour has been appallingly bad and you have not caused that to happen. Its all about him and his wanting you to be under his power and control. This is precisely how abusers operate; he's probably now back in the nice part of the abuse cycle. That is a continuous cycle and he will revert to default soon enough.

He is not supportive of you at all; he went onto give you a verbal character assassination after a so called apology for calling you the c word.

The only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is none and he crossed that line long before now also.

I am so very sorry that your mother is really of no use nor ornament here, she certainly did her bit to teach you some damaging lessons on relationships and those have stayed with you. She is perhaps partly why you have stayed because you have not got the emotional support you need from her either, she tells you "that's life" and all that other put up and shut up garbage.

Is this really what you want for your son going forward, to see his mother being abused verbally by his dad?. It will not do him any favours at all, he is turn is seeing all this and will learn from it. Being with this person for you is really akin now to death by 1000 cuts, you modify your behaviours around him to try to keep him calm.

[OneTiredMummmyyy]

attila - excellent post. OP please do take this post into consideration as it is really very true. OP, I was in the same position as you and I think what is happening here is that you are "normalising" his behaviour. This is quite common; the abuse has become normal to you when it really is not normal at all.

I had the same warnings on here months / years ago.... I ignored them. Although I have ended it with XP now, the damage they inflict increases the longer you leave it. I was a happy, really confident and successful person when I met him and now I am constantly tired, edgy and get quite anxious. I also catch myself tidying up unnecessarily (the house was never tidy enough for him) because I became used to doing that. It has only been a few weeks and already it is getting better; I am getting stronger and more confident as time goes on. But I ask myself sometimes: what would I have become if I'd left it another 2 years?

Ultimately you need to not only protect your DS but you need to make sure you protect yourself too so that you remain capable of looking after him.

I really think it would be a good idea to start a diary of his outbursts or any behaviour that you believe constitutes abuse (if you are unsure, research "emotional abuse") Include the date and as much detail as you can. Hide it somewhere he will never find it. It will be useful for you to read back on the entries at a later date if you are unsure whether to leave or not. And you won't be able to deny the frequency of these "outbursts" if they are written down. Lastly, the diary will be very useful if you ever need this as examples of his behaviour.

[ElspethFlashman]

I think it'd be useful just to search under this username and your previous ones.

Remind yourself you're MISERABLE and how been for a long long time.

[AlbaAlba]

Hi again Snapy

It's not a proper apology if it's followed by a 'but'.

OK, you're safe for now. But next time he swears at you, or blocks you from leaving the house, or otherwise abuses you, you're going to have your escape plan ready. You will be confident because you will know where you're going to go with your baby (or call police), you're going to have copies of all the financial info, you're going to be secure with the house deposit in your bank account.

That's your job for the next few weeks. Call Woman's Aid (could you go to your coat friend's house to call in peace?), start the process. They will help you.

[snapyap]

Unfortunately coat friend has just left the country for a week! However, I completely take your points since my last post. I'll be putting a plan in place and then 'next time' it's being put in action. I have a place to go already and all savings are in my name already. - having said that, I think he might have my online banking password so that needs changing. I will get together documents - passport? Baby's birth cert? That sort of thing? And I'll be able to be strong and say that's it- goodbye. And something I've learnt is keep shoes on in the house in case of necessity for quick get away :-) this WILL be my last thread moaning about an 'outburst' and next time it happens hopefully I'll be able to come on and post that me and ds have left him here.

[dunfightin]

Look at Refuge/Women's Aid sites - on private browsing and check search has been deleted afterwards.
It has stuff on planning to leave, what to take and copy and options.
As you are married assets go into a pot to be divided -- not 50:50 but there you won't walk away with no money and in a divorce provision for DCs has to be sorted.
As to his behaviour and you not be able to think straight, you are a frog being slowly boiled - it doesn't notice as water warms until it is too hot to save itself. You are normalising behaviour that simply shouldn't happen.
Try to contact women's aid and talk through it with them. You don't have to be in physical danger to do this.
My ex called me a c* and like you I found many ways to try to rationalise it, explain it, hope that the good times would plaster over all the nasty times. I had a small baby and his behaviour started up when I was pregnant and yes I was told it was my fault and I believed him at times because having a baby makes people stressed and short-tempered but the difference is non-abusive people don't go that far and also realise what the real issues is, talk about it when things are calmer and come up with ways of avoiding something similar again.
My ex still sees DCs, is still horrible and I have a lovely DP. The scars remain as I worry that DP will start being abusive. He is wonderful and listens when I explain my anxiety.

Make sure you have some money in your own name - an escape fund of a few ££s, find out legal position, see what things you need in your own name i.e. child benefit, phone contract etc. And don't go any further with the house. You don't want to be tied to this arsehole any more than you are now. You are young and have a whole life ahead of you. It may not be perfect being a single parent but what he is doing is a nightmare that you don't deserve

[OneTiredMummmyyy]

Good luck snapyap. Yes, keep passports and all your important documents hidden in a safe place ready to take when needed. I wouldn't necessarily say goodbye to him - I would leave the house with your DS and tell him later that you have left! Leaving an abusive relationship is actually when you are at your most vulnerable.

[43percentburnt]

Also keep a diary of his behaviour and abuse. It helps you keep perspective and helps you realise he is a nasty one.

The mortgage situation may not be bullshit. Lenders use affordability calculations now, based on income and expenditure not (usually) multiples. Multiples may be used to further cap borrowing if you have a small deposit. One income, three mouths to feed seriously impacts borrowing potential with some lenders. Without full details impossible to say definitely. were you present at the mortgage appointment?

[AlbaAlba]

Keep your chin up.

No women should ever have to keep her shoes on in the house just so she can make a quick escape.

Red book, bank info, yes change your bank password immediately. Change laptop, FB, phone passwords. If he finds out say you were worried by all the recent frauds. Women's Aid will tell you what you need.

[Janey369]

Don't forget to get your marriage certificate too, you'll need it if you want to file for divorce.

[Teabay]

Hi OP.
You are super brave, well done. The one thing you wrote which showed me that you mean it next time was "I'll keep my shoes on in the house".

????

It should not be a house where you are prepared to flee from, it should be your home. And your next one will be.

Two tips - put the certificates, passports, recent bank statement, water bill, council tax etc into a folder and take it to your MUM'S for safekeeping, she doesn't need to know what it is. Put it in a box with some baby clothes, your clothes, toothbrush etc and say it's for eBay or something and you have nowhere to keep it at yours, that you'll pop round soon to sort it out.
Second tip - keep your shoes in the car and get a spare car key cut and keep it under a rock in the garden if you have one. When you want to leave you can just GO!

I did this several months ago. Was terrified. Didn't realise I was the boiling frog, death by a thousand cuts etc. Feel embarrassed I let it happen. Feel ashamed I've not managed to stay married.

But not my fault, his.

[SandyY2K]

How old are you and how old is he?

That mortgage business was nonsense and it shows how he's trying to control you and do you out of money in the event of a divorce.

Can you find a part time job?

[snapyap]

I cant be on the mortgage because there's a finance agreement in my name and I have no income- so it would count against us in terms of lending capacity.

I've been offered an interview next week

[YeOldMa]

snapyap, I don't think you can't be on the mortgage if you are married. My DS was able to leave his fiancee off the mortgage because they weren't married but she had to sign to say she had no right to live there even though she would be. Once you are married, it becomes a different story. Has your DH told the mortgage company he is married and you will be living with him? If he has, there should be forms for you to sign too because the mortgage company will want to protect their investment!.

[Sofia45]

My husband calls me that a lot too, whatever I say he has an answer to, gets tiring, thing is we know it's wrong but what are we gonna do about it?! Probably nothing

[snapyap]

He got really annoyed that i questioned him about the mortgage! He said I should just trust him and not let my mother interfere - as he thought I was asking because she asked. I told him I'd read on a thread here that there's a form to fill in and he said, why do you trust and listen to knob heads on the internet instead of me! I surely have a right to ask though as it's going to be my home too.

[Cary2012]

Get passports, birth certificates, marriage certificates etc together and get them out of the house, safe with a trusted friend or family member. This stops him finding them. You can then collect them when you're safely on the other side.

You're being strong and brave. Good luck.

[AlbaAlba]

I am sure that he is either on purpose, or possibly accidentally, confusing the deeds and the mortgage. The deed is the proof of ownership of the house, and the mortgage is a loan.

This website explains about types of ownership www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/protecting-your-home-ownership-rights-during-separation

Ownership of the house is different from the loan agreement. It may well make sense for the loan agreement to only take your DH's financial position into account, given what you have said about no earnings and loans.

The good news seems to be that even if you split and aren't named on the deed, as you are married you should still have a right to live in the house temporarily, though in the longer term it looks like it would require a court decision. www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/relationship-breakdown-and-housing/common-issues-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/relationship-breakdown-and-housing-can-you-make-your-partner-leave/

Also looks like you can get a court order to make your DH leave the home if you or your child are at risk (which presumably includes at risk of emotional abuse).See 'If you feel at risk' section.

www.divorce-online.co.uk/DOL-Forum/threads/do-i-have-any-rights-to-property-if-my-husband-owns-it.5046/

And I'd make sure you clear your browser history. You may have just alerted your DH to the fact you're getting advice online and he may be moved to investigate. By the way, he's definitely husband, not partner, is he? As that makes a big legal difference.

[snapyap]

Thanks for your help and advice. I only use mumsnet on my phone so he shouldn't see my history and I'm one of those people who takes their phone to the loo and everywhere so he never has access to it. Definitely husband! I've felt very standoffish towards him all week since the incident at the start of the thread and yesterday we had a small talk about it and he said he was sorry. And then we mentioned the mortgage argument and there was no sorry there, just assertion that I shouldn't question him. I feel so fed up with him but I've played along with happy families all week! He's back at work today.

[ClaudiaApfelstrudel]

I don't think you ABU OP, in particularly for me the use of the C word should send alarm bells ringing, in my experience the use of that particular word goes hand in hand with abusive men

[snapyap]

Ridiculous situation- last night I asked him to put eastenders on TV for me so he did. Then I annoyed him a bit so he turned the TV over! Like he was punishing me. Does this sound just normal or quite bad? I can't decide

[hellsbellsmelons]

What did you do when he changed the channel to punish you?
I'd have taken the remote and put my programme back on again.
He's a cock - pure and simple.
You know you can do and deserve much better than this scumbag!

[snapyap]

I didn't do anything I was aghast. I didn't react quickly enough! I don't know why I didn't. I was wary of escalating it

[Degustibusnonestdisputandem]

Haven't RTFT but that's appalling! My DH can be a bit of a grumpy arse (to everyone) but he would never call me horrible names like that, in front of the DC or not!