Just been called a selfish cunt (need a vent.)

[snapyap]

I feel like an idiot coming back and saying that once again dh has called me a cunt in front of our son for a relatively small offence.

We came back into the house after being out this morning and let the dog out into the garden to have a wee. The dog stepped in some dog poo and walked it through the living room. I locked the dog outside again and I asked dh to pick up our 17mo ds to stop him stepping in it. He said 'no, he wants to clean the dog's paws first'. I say, 'leave the dog's paws and let me sort the floor out, so that ds can go back down', because he likes to be down and play and explore. I disinfect the floor, and then it occurs to me that it's lunch time and ds can go in his high chair and have lunch and that keeps him off the wet floor and frees up dh for cleaning the dog's paws. He says, 'if you bring me the high chair, I'll put him in it'. It's only a few feet away from him so I say 'no, I'm making ds' lunch so just pop him in it'. I make the lunch and bring it through and say, 'ok you can do the dogs paws now'. He then starts arguing with me saying I'd offered to do it - I am adament I didn't. He then says, 'oh you get the easy job of feeding ds then while I clean dog's paws'. I just ask him again to clean the dogs paws and ask him to pick him up so he doesn't walk poo in the house when I've just cleaned it. So he says, 'you really are a selfish cunt'. He lets the dog into the house, who still has poo all over him. He cleans the paws and then shouts, you will need to mop the whole downstairs again. (It's a small house) he's stomped off upstairs.

Is this ridiculous or what. Was I wrong?

[timeisnotaline]

Go. Go go go. Helping with the housework doesn't even begin to make up for deliberately getting poo on the floor for you to clean up, swearing st you and blocking the door. Last time he called you that you said you would leave. This time he stood in front of the door so you couldn't. Next time he will expect you to be used to it. Stay with your mum please!

[ElspethFlashman]

I doubt your mum would react like that if he was barring HER from leaving her house.

Or if he was calling HER a cunt in front of a child (who is starting to learn how to talk!)

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would also seriously consider calling the police if you are still upstairs and or feel at all trapped or threatened.

[Lovelybangers]

Ah - I have just seen what your mum said.

But you can still go and stay with her. Just don't let her talk you into going back to him - or let her excuse his behaviour towards you.

[grounddown]

OP my mom was a bit like that at first, she had the 'its your bed, you made it so you must lie in it' attitude so I told her some of the other stuff.....
It is your bed but if you made it and it was uncomfortable you would get out and remake it wouldn't you!!

[Madinche1sea]

OP - the thing is, if you just stay now and don't take a stand and let him carry on as if nothing happened, you are letting him get away with it.
I'm not going to just say LTB because you have a child and you need a plan obviously, but you do need space from him now. If he won't do the decent thing and go somewhere for a week (at least), then show him you have no choice but to go yourself. I'm sorry your mum is excusing his behaviour, but just go there anyway. He doesn't think you have the strength to take a stand and you have to prove him wrong.
You have to demand a higher standard than this. Do it for your son.
Do you have s bank card?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I don't know who's told you you can't go on a mortgage as you have no income. That's not my experience. Dh and I are joint owners and mortgagees on our house and I don't have an income. If you decide to stay with him and buy this new house, I'd get legal advice to protect yourself. I would never accept to buy a house not joint owned unless it was financially advantageous and I was protected legally. If you decide to split, Dh can't make you and ds homeless. Ds is a legal dependent and you are his main carer. He should move out. From previous threads, you need to file some kind of document to ensure residence and prevent him from selling the house from under you, I believe. I think this would be something you ideally get before announcing you want to split. If you want to know more post a question in legal or search similar threads.

[CalmItKermitt]

Oh OP the blokes an arsehole 😟

[snapyap]

I've read your messages and taking it all on board.

Can anyone advise wtf I should do this evening? When ds wakes up we'll have to go downstairs as he will be hungry and thirsty and there's no way I can pretend it all didn't happen, but I doubt I can just ignore him as he will try to speak to me. I don't imagine an apology will be forthcoming.

[AlbaAlba]

He has lied to you about the mortgage. Whilst the decision to lend may have been taken based on his income only, as you're not in a salaried position, that is completely separate from whose name is on the deeds. When I was on maternity leave with no income, the mortgage lender only took my DH's income into account, but I am on the deeds.

And if he was going to use your deposit for the next house, without putting your name on the deeds, that is shocking! This sounds more and more like purposeful disenfranchisement. Whatever you do, don't let him have access to the deposit for the next house.

Please seek legal advice ASAP.

[ElspethFlashman]

What is it called - the grey rock method?

[ElspethFlashman]

Yes that's it - Google it. It's a method of survival basically.

[BerylStreep]

I would honestly advise putting some things in a bag, and when DS wakes, leave the house and go to Tesco & get him something to eat & drink. Then go to your Mum's and think about what to do next.

To call you a cunt, and to deliberately get dog shit through the house is a sign of a man who is really angry. I would be very careful. What do you think he would do if you went to leave once your DS is awake? Would he be physical with you? Has he been in the past? Sorry for the questions, I haven't read previous threads.

The alternative is to say nothing at all to him tonight, and leave tomorrow as soon as e is out of the house.

[DontMindMe1]

Just go about your daily routine OP.

If he says anything then you need to stand up for yourself and stand your ground. If he gets in your face, blocks you or makes you feel scared or vulnerable in any way - go to the bathroom and call the police.

I grew up in a violent household, and i think the mental abuse is much more harmful than the physical. Physical wounds can heal, mental and emotional wounds not always so.

You CAN just leave - you have the money in the bank and a place to stay. That's step 1 sorted.
Now you just need to leave - i'd wait until he goes to work and then pack your essentials and get out before he comes back.

Once you're physically away from him it will be a lot easier to breathe. Then you can take your time planning what happens next.

[snapyap]

He's never previously been physical so I've no reason to think he would be. I feel that I should try and talk to him at least but it might end in disaster. He's off work this week so he's not going to leave the house tomorrow.

[AlbaAlba]

Your options at the moment are either to:
(1) Stay where you are and do nothing. This is a terrible idea.
(2) Stay where you are, don't react... for now. Call Woman's Aid as soon as it is safe to do so. They will be used to helping women in exactly the same circumstances, and will probably be able to connect you with legal help etc. This option gives you time, without alerting him, to prepare to leave. Maybe change your social media, phone and email passwords in case he is able to read your accounts. Gather and copy all sorts of bank statements, especially anything about joint money or spending on the house, or his income. This is to avoid him wriggling out of financial help later. Other people will have ideas about the sort of things you could do.
(3) Put your foot down now and take your baby to your mother's for some space. Her ideas are dangerous and outdated, but she may have been similarly abused and unable to accurately assess what is happening. Whilst at your mother's house you could phone Woman's Aid etc, but your mum might undermine you, make you think it's not that bad, given him another chance etc. This option also flags to your husband that you might leave which is good and bad (he may try to hide/destroy info).
(4) Call Refuge or Woman's Aid and leave today, permanently. Advantage you are immediately out of a toxic enviro, disadvantage, you've left the family home and it could be difficult to get back in and get all the financial info etc you will need.

Hopefully it helps to have the options set out like that. Always helps me :-)

[BerylStreep]

Well what is to stop you going out with DS? Or do you feel like you need his permission?

[AlbaAlba]

Here's a quote about domestic abuse (which includes verbal and emotional abuse, not 'just' physical), from the NHS website:

"One in four women experience domestic abuse or domestic violence at some point in their lives. This may be physical, sexual, emotional or psychological abuse. 30% of this abuse starts in pregnancy, and existing abuse may get worse during pregnancy or after giving birth."

Starting abuse when the woman is pregnant or has given birth is common for abusive men. Who knows why, maybe it's because they know it's harder to escape once you have a child together, particularly if you lose your financial independence. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, it's this 'dear' husband. Decent men do not call their wives horrible names, purposefully put more dog poo on the floor to make her life harder, or block her exit from the house.

However nice he was when you first met him, it turns out he's one of the men who becomes abusive once there's a baby in the picture. He's no longer a nice man.

[CheesyWeez]

good post AlbaAlba.

How soon is the supposed house move OP?

[snapyap]

It was supposed to be soon, no completion date yet but solicitors were keen to sort that out at the end of last week.

[AlbaAlba]

I'm not 100% sure but if he is the only one with his name on the deeds of the new house, but you've contributed the deposit, then you are effectively giving him this money (and the house). Whilst you'll probably be able to get a financial settlement in a divorce, once that money's in the house you may not be able to access it until a divorce goes to court, leaving you trapped/no money. This is why you need legal advice asap.

So you need to stop this house deal going through, at least temporarily until you at least get your name on the deeds (and I'd be speaking direct to the solicitor about that, not trusting your husband, who has already lied to you).

But it'd be better to stop the house move altogether, given your situation, because then the deposit money would remain in your account, which gives you an escape buffer.

[EasyToEatTiger]

He is not going to improve. My husband called me a cunt. He doesn't like to be reminded that he thinks of me as a cunt. The bits fall into place and he really is a shit. It doesn't go away. He will probably get a bit better when you read him the riot act, then he will return to Mr Shit and keep on returning to Mr Shit. I am actually horrified by some of my husband's attitudes. Truly they are appalling.

[snapyap]

We had an argument via WhatsApp in the end on Monday, he basically said he's sick of my moods and when I'm 'like that' I'm not fit to be with ds. I don't see where I was moody in the dog poo incident. He apologised for calling me a cunt and then went on to a character assassination. Then he wouldn't leave for the night or allow me and ds to go to my mothers. Now I've had to let it go and we are back talking etc. He's so nice usually. But then these arguments flare up and he's repulsive. I can't think straight, I have no idea what is for the best because it's so infrequent. I've told him that the next time he swears at me like that I'm most certainly leaving and I plan to stick to that

[BerylStreep]

Well he hasn't apologized, because he has tried to twist it and tell you it is your fault.

You said you would end it last time, so he knows this is an empty threat.

He is abusive. Do the Freedom Programme.

What do you mean he wouldn't let you leave? Did he stand barring your way? I think you are in an abusive marriage, and I hope that in time you will have the strength to do something about it. Xx