Ex wants to see DS after a year of no contact.

[Ohb0llocks]

Very long so apologies in advance!

Some may remember my previous posts on here about DS (2, 3 in Jan) and his dad.

Trying not to drop feed, exP was emotionally abusive when we were together and physically on a few occasions (police were never involved). He was barely at home out every weekend taking drugs, cheating, god knows what else. On one occasion he called DS a 'fucking retard' when he was around 4/5 months old.

We split up 2 years and 2 months ago, and up until last September he had contact each weekend, Saturday 9-6, then changed to Fri 6pm to sat 6pm in April 2015.

I facilitated this contact, did all pick ups and drop offs (45 mile round trip), provided everything DS needed in terms of food, nappies, clothes, bottles and formula (When he needed them). I received no maintenance as he wasn't working. He refused to have DS on various occasions when he'd been arrested, was hungover, still partying, or even on one occasion had sunburn

Last September I wrote My car off, therefore was unable to take DS to contact. He took this as me stopping seeing him and because very abusive, calling me names, saying DS probably wasn't his, then didn't get in contact for a month. He then got back in touch apologising promising the earth etc. Never ended up materialising as he got drunk and started sending abusive texts and emails. I informed the police and blocked his number/email.

He has been in touch a few times since then, none of which to enquire about DS, just to give me grief, insult me, and inform me that when he did see DS he would tell him 'his mummy is a cock loving slut' and take him and not return him. Each time I have reported this to the police.

I received a letter requesting I attend mediation in May, where then I spoke to a solicitor who advised me to decline this on the grounds of his emotional abuse which I did. We then wrote out to him offering supervised access in a contact centre, which he did not respond to.

Fast forward to today, I receive a phone call which is him. He apologised for everything. Asked how DS is. Told him he is fine, and doing very well at nursery, bright etc. He then asks how he can see him, says he will jump through every hoop. Informed him I don't know where to go from here, as this is the exact same conversation we had last year. Asked how long it would be before he didn't get his own way and became abusive again, and lo and behind 'he's changed'. Asked him why he never responded to the solicitors letter and he said 'my mates said that's where crackheads see their kids so I didn't bother'... wow.

Unsure where to go from here, he doesn't want to go through 'all the legal bullshit' as he calls it.

I don't want to deny the chance for DS to make his own decisions when he is old enough. However I have to protect him from being used as a pawn against his Mother, and myself, from the stress and anxiety this 'man' puts me through, and the threats he has made to not return DS to my care if he does have contact.

Any advice would be so appreciated

Well done you!

Do you have a number for the DV person at the police station? I would contact them and give them a head's up?

I don't - I thought maybe 101 or ringing my IDVA she may have some contact numbers.

Thank you all so much!

Hi OP, you've had lots of great advice on this thread and I'm glad to see your resolve is strengthening. It must be incredibly hard given the background of DV to break the habits of appeasing your ex and trying to avoid a negative reaction.

I am a SW and part of my role is preparing Sec 7 reports for the courts in cases like this. I would say you have clear evidence of your willingness to compromise over a significant period of time. The family court won't be led by your ex's 'right' to see your son, your DS's needs and wellbeing are paramount at all times.

So far we have a man who:
-has a history of violent behaviour and drug taking (posing physical risk and question about meeting DS's basic needs)

• has made threats about not returning DS, restricting contact between you two and referring to you in negative terms (clear emotional abuse)
• has been inconsistent and unreliable
• has no relationship with DS

On top of that DS is reluctant to even engage in telephone contact. And yes, his voice hugely matters even at this age.
In your position offering nothing is wholly reasonable. Should he take things to court (highly unlikely) a report will be prepared by Cafcass or Children's services- engage well and share everything. I appreciate some people have had negative experiences but can only say in this situation i would be recommending an extended period of indirect contact (months not weeks) before progress to a contact centre- as well as a risk/parenting assessment of your ex. So don't worry and stand strong in your view on what is right for DS!

God sorry for the essay!

Penguin thanks so much, that's really good to know

Yes- call IDVA she will know what to do.

Stay strong! This is all to protect your DS!

IDVA has placed a vunerable marker on the house and said to call 101 alert them to the fact he may be abusive when he receives it.

You must be mad to even consider contact.Hes threatened not to return him

Great news about the marker - well done :)

Unhelpful fern when the OP talks about her mental health issues as a result of this ex.

Brilliant, OP. You're doing so well.

Sort it with courts now before you have years of grief. My friend has an 8 year old girl, I can only describe her ex as having a split personality. He has refused to bring her back on occasions and swapps and changes his times to suit him, its caused my friend and her child so much upset. He is lovely until things don't go his way. If your ex is really willing to "jump through hoops" and wants to see your son that much then I would tell him its going through court as you don't trust him. Honest my friends little girl has been witness to some awful arguments, get it set out now and avoid it all.

Thanks scary.

I'll be sure to keep everyone updated. Honestly from the bottom of my heart thank you to you all so much for your support and advice. I often feel a bit silly posting on here, worried that no one will take me seriously (early 20's, realise that's not that young but I still don't feel like a 'proper' adult, when does that come by the way!?), but you all have and have helped so much and given me a little bit of confidence. For the first time in a while I'm feeling happier more often than I am worrying, anxious and feeling down. I'm sure DS would send you thanks too.

A few days ago we were talking about feelings, and I asked what makes him sad. He said it makes me sad when mummy cries. My heart broke for him. He doesn't need to see his mummy cry anymore, that's why I never took him back. He sees me and DP and how a relationship is supposed to be. I can only hope that in providing him with a happy life that things will always be ok, come what may.

Thank you for all, from my little family (DP is thrilled to bits that someone has made me see sense) and I'll be sure to keep everyone updated.

I'm 31 (nearly 32 waaa) and I STILL don't feel like a grown up!

I'm so pleased you're feeling stronger. You are so strong! You left him! That's the hard bit- this is tough, but you'll get through it.

Rely on your friends and take the time to enjoy their company too. Don't let this time overshadow your enjoyment of now.

Sorry scary just seen your reply.

Heard nothing back re the letter yet. If it's not reached him it should have by the end of the week I'm guessing.

Dreading his reaction!

No news is good news- I think he would have received it by now?

Scary yeah I guess. Still nothing. He definitely will have it by now.

Received a call of an unknown number this morning. Worried me a bit, not sure if I'm overreacting, but there's no way of finding out who it was.

Should I ring 101?

You could call 101 and ask if anyone from the police has called you; you could try calling that number but not from any of your own phones, maybe even a callbox, hanging up soon as you get some kind of identification on pick-up. No convo needed at this point, just identity. Hang up if you don't get that. Don't identify yourself. Sometimes googling the phone number can bring up results too. Or you could just leave it alone, it might be a spam sales call.

Try not to worry at this point, don't focus on it. If its repeated maybe consider some of those other options? Reacting as you have is normal high alert to potential danger so it's wise to keep guarding yourself.

Is there a family member on his side who you trust who could supervise the visits? His mum or sister?

Oh sorry didn't read the whole thread.

Tipsy it's a withheld number so I can't ring it back

A withheld number could be from anyone so I wouldn't necessarily worry. If it calls again can you ask your DP to answer it?

Agree no news is good news. Stay strong from reading op and updates your getting stronger.
Agree if withheld number calls again get partner to answer or get him to check voice mail if one is left. It's probably a marketing call anyway.

Sorry, thought it was unknown rather than withheld. As others said though, you could still check with 101 but otherwise ignore for now? DP could answer it if he's willing but not sure of the point since it opens the opportunity for entanglement, which might be better avoided/rejected. The important thing is not to feed energy to the monster by even giving the idiot headspace.

It's an acquired skill to be brutal like this but I promise you CAN acquire it! As you have nothing to say to "him" outside the solicitor's contact, I'd be tempted to not answer. Or at least for DP to hang up if it turns out to be "him" or someone on his behalf.

Time to practice what might seem like very bad manners. But it's OK! You have my, and everyone else's, permission to be really really rude. This is line drawing and any marketing callers might as well learn from it too.