Ex wants to see DS after a year of no contact.

[Ohb0llocks]

Very long so apologies in advance!

Some may remember my previous posts on here about DS (2, 3 in Jan) and his dad.

Trying not to drop feed, exP was emotionally abusive when we were together and physically on a few occasions (police were never involved). He was barely at home out every weekend taking drugs, cheating, god knows what else. On one occasion he called DS a 'fucking retard' when he was around 4/5 months old.

We split up 2 years and 2 months ago, and up until last September he had contact each weekend, Saturday 9-6, then changed to Fri 6pm to sat 6pm in April 2015.

I facilitated this contact, did all pick ups and drop offs (45 mile round trip), provided everything DS needed in terms of food, nappies, clothes, bottles and formula (When he needed them). I received no maintenance as he wasn't working. He refused to have DS on various occasions when he'd been arrested, was hungover, still partying, or even on one occasion had sunburn

Last September I wrote My car off, therefore was unable to take DS to contact. He took this as me stopping seeing him and because very abusive, calling me names, saying DS probably wasn't his, then didn't get in contact for a month. He then got back in touch apologising promising the earth etc. Never ended up materialising as he got drunk and started sending abusive texts and emails. I informed the police and blocked his number/email.

He has been in touch a few times since then, none of which to enquire about DS, just to give me grief, insult me, and inform me that when he did see DS he would tell him 'his mummy is a cock loving slut' and take him and not return him. Each time I have reported this to the police.

I received a letter requesting I attend mediation in May, where then I spoke to a solicitor who advised me to decline this on the grounds of his emotional abuse which I did. We then wrote out to him offering supervised access in a contact centre, which he did not respond to.

Fast forward to today, I receive a phone call which is him. He apologised for everything. Asked how DS is. Told him he is fine, and doing very well at nursery, bright etc. He then asks how he can see him, says he will jump through every hoop. Informed him I don't know where to go from here, as this is the exact same conversation we had last year. Asked how long it would be before he didn't get his own way and became abusive again, and lo and behind 'he's changed'. Asked him why he never responded to the solicitors letter and he said 'my mates said that's where crackheads see their kids so I didn't bother'... wow.

Unsure where to go from here, he doesn't want to go through 'all the legal bullshit' as he calls it.

I don't want to deny the chance for DS to make his own decisions when he is old enough. However I have to protect him from being used as a pawn against his Mother, and myself, from the stress and anxiety this 'man' puts me through, and the threats he has made to not return DS to my care if he does have contact.

Any advice would be so appreciated

I am so glad that you have support around you, OP. Your traumatised thoughts are whirring round and round, suspect you're trapped in the thoughts of this going to court. Even if it did it would probably be better to go there with refusing him access as the starting point. Then there would be no contradictory elements involved. But try not to get lost in these scenarios that are unlikely to materialise.

It's the nature of ptsd that the mind won't leave you or events alone. It re-plays events and emotions but doesn't process them into the past so you can move on and away from them. That's how it keeps you trapped. Just my lessons from it btw, no training or anything.

You've kind of got to work on taming your mind a bit, befriending it rather than letting it tear you apart. Does that sound helpful to you? I had no therapy and almost feel that I invented "Mindfulness" for myself back in the days when I was in a similar state. I would allow myself to lock doors and windows, sit beyond sight from outside and then talk/breathe myself calm, away from the spiral of anxious thoughts and feelings, letting them go. Sometimes I still have to do that to some degree.

Be as kind to yourself as you can be and aim to get kinder. You are none of those things he said you were. He is those kind of things he projected onto you. Those are HIS qualities, not yours. When you know that you are protective of your son, as is natural, you will know that he is the possessive one and that this is the keystone of how he ticks.

You can hang in there because you've already survived a world of pain. Love, Light and Strength be yours.

Just to add, I read on your other thread that he told you yesterday that if he ever had overnight contact he would forbid your DS from phoning you.

Do you have that in writing? Or was that verbally over the phone?

I can see you're very upset about the idea of contact. Legally you need to collate evidence that shows your child is at risk from contact. This is what a court would be interested in.

My daughter is 7. She has had no contact with her father since she was 2. And very limited contact from 1-2.
She does see her grandparents and aunt. He is an abusive narc so it's the best outcome. She very rarely mentions him and when she's older I will tell her the truth. When she does ask I say "we weren't a very good team" or "some people are not very good at being kind"

Do what you think is right for your child, some people really shouldn't have contact with their kids I'm sorry to say. Xxx

Just posting to add to the chorus. Don't give in! He's so manipulative. He's undermining your confidence even when you aren't talking to him because he has managed to get his voice into your head.

Don't let him do the same to your DS. Fight contact all the way.

You seem to have a massive fear that your DS will hate you in future years for not allowing you contact with his father. THAT'S YOUR EX'S VOICE TALKING. He's trying to embed this idea that your son will somehow end up being just like his father and will perpetuate the cycle of negativity and EA towards you if you deny access....

But you know who your son is going to grow into? A bit of you, a bit of his "best friend" your DP, and his own lovely self. He won't hate you -because he'll love you. And all the more when he's old enough to realise what you've protected him from.

And, frankly, even if he were to end up bitterly resenting you denying him access to his dad, you should still take the hit because you don't need your DS to love you the way you love him. His love is that of a child/teenager/grownup son. Yours is and always will be that of a mother- utterly fierce, unconditional and undemanding. Let your DS react how he will in the future. For now, you owe it to yourself as a mother to protect your son from this loveless manipulator.

Be strong

Omg you sound SO like i was until i finally had my wake up call 6 months ago (8 years after our split!) I really don't know why I let him play me so long or why I devoted myself to making our shared custody work, due to some misplaced internal desire i had to prove to the world I wasn't trying to prevent access and we had this great amicable co parenting thing going. What a load of bollocks!. I can now see it wasn't even in my children's best interests. I was doing everything for HIS best interests and I was constantly adapting, facilitating and minimising to allow access to happen. Fuck that for a ballgame lol. Why are you even bothering with the solicitor. All its doing is costing you money and not achieving anything! For thousands of pounds she's given you less useful advice than you've had on MN Lol! Send him one final email yourself saying you wish to have absolutely no contact with him and any further contact will be reported to the police. Don't even mention your son. This is about his ongoing domestic abuse of you. I'd be 99% certain ex won't bother with son and will wind up charged with domestic harassment against you, providing you have the balls to see it through.Your son has your DP as a father figure and doesn't need that pointless low life sperm donor in his life. Your issues are one of being a victim of domestic abuse, you are merely masking them and kidding yourself by putting the focus on the access issue. You are scared of upsetting him. You REALLY need to put your big girl pants on and take the 'fuck him' attitude and stick with it. You are continuing to support his nonsense. Your son's welfare is not the real concern. My children are much older but they werent when this all started. My youngest realised this year at 10 that he wanted to go NC with his dad. I thought i was being the best mum in facilitating the contact. In hindsight i should have had the balls years ago. BTW for what its worth I'm a police officer in child protection and domestic violence.

Thank you all so much, your advice is fantastic!

Elspeth he said it in a text.. something like 'When I get him overnight you won't be having phone contact because I'll just say it upsets him'

Screenshot it!!

I have done elspeth I've got screenshots dating back to just after we split up

One of his relatives have just text asking to come and see DS. Makes me wary!

Beware of flying monkeys.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_monkeys_(psychology)

She's coming during the week, going to ask my dad to come round just in case!

I would refuse the relative as well unless they already have contact and from the sounds of it they don't.

Letting one of his relatives see ds is the equivalent of letting him put one foot in the door that you should firmly close on him.

It's unlikely your ds will remember the relative and it will be yet more confusion for him if you allow him to be paraded in front of a stranger, and you can put money on this relative wanting to visit again - and again - which will begin to set a precedent.

Please be guided by your solicitor and let her send the letter she proposed. If push comes to shove you can reconsider mediation prior to any court proceedings, but a firm stand now is likely to either see him off for good or ensure that he will provide even more evidence of his true nature that can be used to refute any attempt on his part to have unsupervised contact with your ds.

The relative does have contact with DS, she is a very old relative and comes round once every few months.

Do you believe that this relative's proposed visit is entirely unconnected with recent events?

That could work to your advantage actually - shows you're maintaining a positive link to his paternal family but not allowing a negative relationship as ds very distressed and needs to build gentle contact at a child friendly pace.

Goddess I'm not sure. They have always been in contact with DS even when he was constantly texting me threats etc, and we have always had quite a good relationship. Was devastated when we split up. I actually held of telling them the news for a while as didn't want to upset. They don't know the full extent of his behaviour. He tends to only contact them when he wants to borrow money.

Titchy I always have. I have a very good relationship with his mother, and other members of his family.

The acid test will be to instruct your solicitor to send her proposed letter as is tomorrow and wait to see if the relative refers to it, either directly or indirectly, when they visit.

In any event, you should adopt a policy of saying "as it's in the hands of my solicitor I'm unable to talk about .. x y or z ..." should anyone take issue with, or question you about, your dealings with the sperm donor father of your ds.

Should I phone 101 and give them the heads up about the letter and what his possible reaction might be?

I have a meeting with my IDVA on weds am so will speak to her. The police were looking to caution him due to the threat to kill he made (back in Feb) but afaik they couldn't find him anywhere. She said she was going to try and get some info on that too.

Posting to add my experience. Split from my children's father three years ago. Abusive twat who has a conviction for assault against me pre children. He sort of saw the dc (now 6 and 9) for the first year and during that time I did all I could to keep the link there between them. I let him mess me around, to a degree, until I could take no more of his shit.

I suspended contact when he lied to me about taking them to some woman's house who had had her kids removed for neglect apparently . I asked him for more details and asked him not to go there with the dc. He refused on both counts, long boring story, so I withdrew contact and advised him to see a solicitor.
He never did.
He hasn't bothered with them now for two years and 3 months. I hear occasional mutterings that he's going to 'write' to me, or take me to court, but so what? He's a total piece of shit and your ex sounds the same. I had a non molestation order against him last year as he drove his car at me in front of the dc in January. There's loads more as well.

My main point is you've GOT to stop second guessing and giving a shit about what he might do or what your child will/might say to you in the future. Remember, because of YOU, he will most likely have a happy and fulfilled life with security and stability, and he will come to understand as an adult that you did the very best thing for him.

Don't let this utter scum dictate what you do. You are the absolute rock your child needs.

My solicitor, (I am a solicitor too, but don't do family), told me not to waver, that I had made my decision and that if my ex really wanted contact he would have to go to court. If he does (icebergs in hell etc), it'd be a very long road for him indeed.

These useless pieces of garbage never do these things if effort or money is required. Stand firm.

Solicitors confirmed they haven't sent the letter yet, I've asked them to send it.

Well done :) Now you just need to keep your resolve!

By allowing the letter to be sent you've taken a huge step and drawn a massive line in the sand. I'm totally proud of you!