Ex wants to see DS after a year of no contact.

[Ohb0llocks]

Very long so apologies in advance!

Some may remember my previous posts on here about DS (2, 3 in Jan) and his dad.

Trying not to drop feed, exP was emotionally abusive when we were together and physically on a few occasions (police were never involved). He was barely at home out every weekend taking drugs, cheating, god knows what else. On one occasion he called DS a 'fucking retard' when he was around 4/5 months old.

We split up 2 years and 2 months ago, and up until last September he had contact each weekend, Saturday 9-6, then changed to Fri 6pm to sat 6pm in April 2015.

I facilitated this contact, did all pick ups and drop offs (45 mile round trip), provided everything DS needed in terms of food, nappies, clothes, bottles and formula (When he needed them). I received no maintenance as he wasn't working. He refused to have DS on various occasions when he'd been arrested, was hungover, still partying, or even on one occasion had sunburn

Last September I wrote My car off, therefore was unable to take DS to contact. He took this as me stopping seeing him and because very abusive, calling me names, saying DS probably wasn't his, then didn't get in contact for a month. He then got back in touch apologising promising the earth etc. Never ended up materialising as he got drunk and started sending abusive texts and emails. I informed the police and blocked his number/email.

He has been in touch a few times since then, none of which to enquire about DS, just to give me grief, insult me, and inform me that when he did see DS he would tell him 'his mummy is a cock loving slut' and take him and not return him. Each time I have reported this to the police.

I received a letter requesting I attend mediation in May, where then I spoke to a solicitor who advised me to decline this on the grounds of his emotional abuse which I did. We then wrote out to him offering supervised access in a contact centre, which he did not respond to.

Fast forward to today, I receive a phone call which is him. He apologised for everything. Asked how DS is. Told him he is fine, and doing very well at nursery, bright etc. He then asks how he can see him, says he will jump through every hoop. Informed him I don't know where to go from here, as this is the exact same conversation we had last year. Asked how long it would be before he didn't get his own way and became abusive again, and lo and behind 'he's changed'. Asked him why he never responded to the solicitors letter and he said 'my mates said that's where crackheads see their kids so I didn't bother'... wow.

Unsure where to go from here, he doesn't want to go through 'all the legal bullshit' as he calls it.

I don't want to deny the chance for DS to make his own decisions when he is old enough. However I have to protect him from being used as a pawn against his Mother, and myself, from the stress and anxiety this 'man' puts me through, and the threats he has made to not return DS to my care if he does have contact.

Any advice would be so appreciated

I've sent her his messages, she's reccomended we offer no further contact 'at this time'. Letter goes in Mondays post.

Petrified about this letter going out. Says telephone contact is upsetting dc so it's stopping, and that due to him being intimidating I wish to offer no further contact at this time.

Won't this just look bad on me if/when it goes to court?

I wouldn't trust him near my kid. Sorry.

So he's indirectly saying he might kill himself like his friend did because he has no access to this very young child he already hasn't seen for a year? So it's all about him, then, not ds.

Can your son read at 2yrs? Not sure what use letters would be even if he wrote any. Does this awful man have a job? Does it pay enough to fund a court process? Will cost a lot more than your solicitor's letter. But you know the real reason he doesn't want any "legal bs" is because he doubts he'd get anywhere. He knows any judge would see straight through him.

I can't see how ds is going to have any memories of his errant father - except at a very deep subconscious and inaccessible level. Plus he doesn't seem keen to meet this man anyway.

Please try not to surrender to the Old Way of being compliant through fear. This is Now. There is no benefit for your ds if he becomes involved at this stage in his life with a man like this. When he is older will be another Now but it isn't here yet.

There is no way that any of your actions would be construed as anything other than those of a responsible parent with concerns about an abusive ex who has been absent from most of your young son's life.

Please allow the solicitor's letter to end this chapter. Don't respond to him at all by text, call or email. is that do-able? What does DP feel about all this?

I've told him not to contact me and the phone calls with DS are stopping due to it confusing and upsetting him

Despite the sound advice you received here, you've been letting him speak to ds on the phone? Why on earth did you sanction this? Of course it's confusing and upsetting for your ds. There is no reason for him to have telephone access and it needs to stop.

I'm trying to keep him sweet as I don't want all the nastiness to be thrown back in my face when DS is older and his dad fills his head full of crap

As you have documented evidence of his unreasonableness and his unreliability to show ds, if necessary, when he's older there's no need to "keep him sweet" and you should know that, regardless of how much you try to keep things amicable, this is the type of man who'll have no compunction about badmouthing you to ds anytime it suits him to do so.

Won't this just look bad on me if/when it goes to court?

If/when pigs fly it goes to court you will come across as what you are;
a concerned parent who's attempting to protect your ds from his emotionally abusive father's moods, whims, and party lifestyle while offering him the opportunity to re-engage and bond with his ds in the supervised environment of a contact centre until such time as he can demonstrate that he's able to parent responsibly.

Tell the tosser to direct any communication he wishes to have with you to an email address that, as per Perihelion's suggestion, you have set up for this specific purpose and block him from making contact with you in any other way.

The more frustrated he becomes at the lack of response from you, the more likely it is that he'll be unable to resist the temptation to sound off 'in print' as it were.

In the unlikely event that he turns up on your doorstep call the police and have him removed.

Please understand that this man has no boundaries and it's therefore doubly incumbent on you to put firm boundaries in place for the protection of your ds and yourself.

May I also suggest that you use the 'report' button to ask mumsnet to transfer your thread to the Relationships board where regular posters are well versed in dealing with losers, wasters, lowlifes, and abusive knobheads, and will support you to the best of their ability while you see this one off.

Thank you for the great advice. The letter saying we are offering nothing at this time is due to go out on Monday. I'm just worried because this is the first time I have said 'no you're not seeing him' and how it will look on me. Terrified that he will take it to court and get more than I would have liked.

Also requested to move over to relationships!

Any further opinions? Sick with worry.

I've just emailed them and left a voicemail for a callback first thing Monday.

They aren't open today and the letter was drafted after their post has already gone yesterday so hopping it hasn't been sent.

I've emailed saying do not send any letters yet I need some time to make a decision and don't want to make a hasty one based on an argument.

It isn't based on an argument- it is based on logic and reason!

You need to prioritise your son! He won't go to court, he told you he won't- do the right thing for your son and stop trying to second guess him.

I truly understand the abject fear you're living in but you have to make up your mind if you're finally ready to actually get away from this man who is in the process of trying to set your son up for a disastrous time of it. Your son is being used as a means of controlling you, terrifying you. It's a power thing.

It seems you want to withdraw this letter. What then? Because you have to be aware that whatever you do will have consequences and it's those consequences you need to think about, not your utter fear of this man and how to appease it.

I'm a living testament to fear's paralysis, jumping round like a scalded cat to try and stop it all in the moment. Terrified of what a judge might say or think of me. The consequences were all but unbearable. I'm old now and still traumatised by self-loathing and grief at how far I allowed fear to dictate my awful and unnecessary decisions.

Think rationally and lovingly about what is best for your son and try hard to find an ounce of tigress energy before you cancel that letter. The ripples of your choices now will affect everything for a very long time.

I was mistaken earlier when I thought you had a current partner, I believe. This doesn't seem to be the case so it's understandable that you feel alone with this. Would a talk with Women's Aid for advice and support be useful?

I just don't know if it's a better option to offer the contact centre then if it goes well another 12 weeks supervised, then I've offered something as opposed to the flat out no.

He may take it to court he may not but on the chance that he does I don't want to be in a weaker position due to having offered nothing.

Actually I think you'll be in a weaker position with the 12 weeks.

Cos afterwards contact will be an established fact, and you can't go back. And contact centre can't happen indefinitely.

Tipsy I do have a partner, he's very supportive but is none the wiser as to the best course of action.

He is leaning towards the no contact option, but ultimately he knows it's my call, and doesn't want to give me any advice that may jeopardise my future chances if it goes to court, and risk him ending up with more contact than I would agree to.

Also with the text evidence and his criminal record you can point out if needs be, that you had legitimate safeguarding concerns, which are ongoing, and ask at that point for a contact centre.

Anyway, you will do what you do. We can only advise, but if you are still in his power you will keep appeasing him and there's nothing we can do or say then.

Elspeth I am listening, but it's hard to have faith that the courts will make the decision my DS needs, when you hear so many awful stories (the thread at the moment where a woman's DS has not been returned to her)

Tipsy I have fortnightly meetings with an IDVA, she is very helpful and i am due to start the freedom programme in January.

Sorry for the bitty replies, absolutely shattered, barely a wink of sleep last night. Woke up at one point with one of DS's toes practically up my nostril.

One issue here is that your son is distressed by the contact you've already facilitated. Saying a flat out "NO" will be the first time you've stood up to this man. It still isn't a forever and final rejection, though. It might change in the future when ds is a little older. At this time a refusal to offer anything would be appropriate for your son. It can be changed in the future.

Another issue is that he has already said he wants no engagement with the legal process; he doesn't want to do this "right" at all. He wants to do this with you in a place of fear, unprotected by the law. Sending the letter just might draw a line in the sand. In truth I don't know about contact centres or how they work but if it's a voluntary agreement between you and him then it's an unprotected one and he has no obligation to stick to it.

You're gripped by this wrong assumption that you would be in a weaker position in a fictional court for refusing him access at this point. I think you need more advice from more professionals. Maybe even an informal talk with a contact centre? I don't know if that's even possible but you're spinning on your own thoughts of failure and being seen badly at the moment. That's not a good space to make good choices.

None of us will "know" for sure what will happen but it strikes me that some kind of making a stand would be better than basically opening the door to total access without a solicitor between you and him.

I hope I don't sound pushy in what I'm saying. I totally get how vulnerable and terrified you are. It is up to you but please try and look at the bigger picture of your and ds' life.

Sorry, cross posted ...

Yes, that thread you mentioned is beyond horrifying. I also didn't trust the system, still wouldn't in truth. BUT appeasing monsters just doesn't, in my experience, work out well. Dancing on firecrackers for life is hard. Just about survivable but hard.

Would contact with this man in a Centre be of benefit to ds at this age? Remember also that this assault of ex's wants on you is not about his relationship with ds. It's about his relationship with you.

Your ex's threats to kill himself is further emotional abuse towards you. It also shows that he is a very unstable man who is not in the right frame of mind to look after a child. You need to block his number on your phone or better stil, change your phone number.

Please stop listening to anything he says. Listen to your solicitor and fgs don't stop the letter going out to him. I know you are scared of him but you need to protect your DS from having anything to do with this monster.

No need to apologise for bitty answers either. You're exhausted. I'm truly sorry for the agony you're going through

I'm guessing you need to detail how your ds is at risk from contact with his dad. That's what it will come down to at court. Not how upset it makes you feel etc.