Ex wants to see DS after a year of no contact.

[Ohb0llocks]

Very long so apologies in advance!

Some may remember my previous posts on here about DS (2, 3 in Jan) and his dad.

Trying not to drop feed, exP was emotionally abusive when we were together and physically on a few occasions (police were never involved). He was barely at home out every weekend taking drugs, cheating, god knows what else. On one occasion he called DS a 'fucking retard' when he was around 4/5 months old.

We split up 2 years and 2 months ago, and up until last September he had contact each weekend, Saturday 9-6, then changed to Fri 6pm to sat 6pm in April 2015.

I facilitated this contact, did all pick ups and drop offs (45 mile round trip), provided everything DS needed in terms of food, nappies, clothes, bottles and formula (When he needed them). I received no maintenance as he wasn't working. He refused to have DS on various occasions when he'd been arrested, was hungover, still partying, or even on one occasion had sunburn

Last September I wrote My car off, therefore was unable to take DS to contact. He took this as me stopping seeing him and because very abusive, calling me names, saying DS probably wasn't his, then didn't get in contact for a month. He then got back in touch apologising promising the earth etc. Never ended up materialising as he got drunk and started sending abusive texts and emails. I informed the police and blocked his number/email.

He has been in touch a few times since then, none of which to enquire about DS, just to give me grief, insult me, and inform me that when he did see DS he would tell him 'his mummy is a cock loving slut' and take him and not return him. Each time I have reported this to the police.

I received a letter requesting I attend mediation in May, where then I spoke to a solicitor who advised me to decline this on the grounds of his emotional abuse which I did. We then wrote out to him offering supervised access in a contact centre, which he did not respond to.

Fast forward to today, I receive a phone call which is him. He apologised for everything. Asked how DS is. Told him he is fine, and doing very well at nursery, bright etc. He then asks how he can see him, says he will jump through every hoop. Informed him I don't know where to go from here, as this is the exact same conversation we had last year. Asked how long it would be before he didn't get his own way and became abusive again, and lo and behind 'he's changed'. Asked him why he never responded to the solicitors letter and he said 'my mates said that's where crackheads see their kids so I didn't bother'... wow.

Unsure where to go from here, he doesn't want to go through 'all the legal bullshit' as he calls it.

I don't want to deny the chance for DS to make his own decisions when he is old enough. However I have to protect him from being used as a pawn against his Mother, and myself, from the stress and anxiety this 'man' puts me through, and the threats he has made to not return DS to my care if he does have contact.

Any advice would be so appreciated

Why aren't you listening to your solicitor? She knows best and how a court would view your current action. So believe her. She is far far far more experienced than you are.

Head my reasons are that he has promised to turn DS against me, threatened to remove him from my care, emotionally abused me to the point where I can't even make a simple decision without second guessing everything, given me PTSD, rejected contact offered to him in may, doesn't appear to have DS' best interests at heart. He text yesterday saying he has no feelings for DS.

Lilets I have blocked his number/blocked on whatsapp.

OP - you've got everything you need to justify that letter, right there. Even though I expressed a lack of confidence in the systems earlier, I recognise that many things have changed. Abuse is fundamentally "seen" now. I would allow that letter on that text alone. Well done on blocking him too!

I am not a solicitor, but as I understand it family courts make decisions about contact based on what is best for the child, not based on the actions of the parents. I can't see how you withholding contact now can possibly change anything about future contact arrangements if your ex did ever go to court. Your solicitor seems to agree, as she has suggested that no contact is a sensible option at this stage. So, in your shoes i would be thinking only about what is best for your son now, not what a judge might think. And it shines through from your posts that what is best from him is no contact.

Be strong. Stop second guessing the future, and remember that this man is a dangerous, manipulative abuser who cannot bring anything but confusion and stress to your son's life.

I would also add that whilst that thread you're referring to is shocking, please remember that on MN we only have as much information as the OP chooses to reveal.

It also differs from your case in that it was the child himself who was accusing the mother of physical abuse, and the child was much much older than yours - old enough so that their wishes about residency hold weight. Quite different to your situation.

0df what was the outcome?

Thank you for the advice everyone, it really is making me feel stronger and more able to stand up for ourselves. I'm just feeling so bloody exhausted and defeated at the minute.

I'm just feeling so bloody exhausted and defeated at the minute.

Any chance you could change that mindset to exhausted but getting ready to blast this abusive situation into hyperspace?

It seems like you have your DS's best interests at heart, and that your concerns are genuine and that you have been keen to facilitate contact until it went wrong a year ago.

Of course, nobody knows what way courts will decide, however it seems that you're not trying to be vindictive in the slightest, you're just trying to protect yourself and DS from more upheaval. I would like to believe the courts would see this.

I am currently in the court process and I can tell you it is a very lengthy one! (I'm in the opposite situation in that XH has tried to minimise contact between me and DS for reasons that are quite obviously related to his ego/pride/vindictiveness.) The court process will definitely test 100% whether your XP is genuinely wanting to 'jump through all the hoops' for your DS or not.

I'm saying this because you seem like you're afraid of going to court (which is natural) but I don't think you got anything to worry about. You've got plenty of evidence about your concerns re XH. The courts are definitely going to wonder why he disappeared out of DS's life for a year; I'm not sure at all that they would give instant unsupervised access. In fact I'd hazard a guess that your XP would have to keep jumping through different hoops for at least 2 years solid, in order to possibly get some unsupervised access.

I'd also hazard a guess that he wouldn't last that long; or that if he does, maybe then he really is a reformed person and is able to prioritise your DS enough to give up abusing DS's own mother.

If I was you I'd say let him know it's contact centre or courts. He cannot just expect to bounce back into a 3 year old's life after a year's absence.

I believe every parent should be allowed to have a good relationship with both parents as long as it's good for the child. Your XP has to prove his stability at this stage. I understand it is hurtful to your XP's and anyone's pride to have to jump through the hoops but unfortunately it is him who has put himself into this position in the first place by threatening you and then disappearing from Ds's life for a substantial period of time.

d'oh, of course I meant "I believe every child should"...

Sorry I missed the most recent ones! Texted saying he has no feelings for DS?!? What The Actual...

Okay, ignore my previous comments, they were based on different assumptions.

You're right in not facilitating anything for him. He is clearly emotionally abusive to you and it is draining your mental wellbeing, and as your DS's sole caretaker you need to look after you so you can keep looking after DS.

Your XP still has the court option available if he really wants to have contact with DS. You need to focus on you. Sadly your XP seems to keep shooting himself in the foot, and doesn't exactly appear to be able to play a positive role in Ds's life.

I can't add to the excellent advice but I will say, I wouldn't let him near your little DS ever again. He sounds dangerous .

His words were 'I don't even fucking feel anything for my own son do you know how that feels'

Erm no why would I...

Was then followed by 'Part of me wants to just let you have your own way and tell him to call your DP daddy'

Worth noting that DP has been in DS's life since he was just over 1, and never once has he tried to be 'daddy', DS has only ever called him by his name and he knows that he is his best friend, and his stepbrothers daddy. Any tips on explaining step parents would be handy though, I've tried and DS says 'DP is not on the steps he's in the kitchen'

He is too little to get 'Step dad', wait until he is a little older.

You must remember that if you are going to go to court and say he is abusive, manipulative and dangerous- if you DID now give him access, the judge would be at that. No one would think you are unreasonable to deny access.

I'm scared of saying no contact cause I worry about his reaction. DP has just nipped to the shop and I'm sure I've just heard someone try the door, it's driving me crazy I'm petrified of him. He's the type of person that would think nothing of paying someone to hurt me. He's said before if he had the money he would pay someone to kill Me.

I'm sat on the stairs with the door locked waiting for DP to get home.

But allowing contact puts your son in the care of this man you are so scared of?

For years he has made me feel like it's my fault, I'm anxious, I'm paranoid, I brought it on myself, I was controlling, I over react, I'm possessive over DS.

I find it very hard to get out of that mindset

DP is home by the way, and I've calmed down a little. Just feeling very upset now.

Will it not matter that he has had contact in the past? Over a year ago now though. He hasn't seen him unsupervised since last late august/early September.

He saw him supervised for 30 minutes in October last year.

Supervised by me and my father, I might add.

Matter with regards to what?

Please don't talk yourself into giving him contact with your DS because you're terrified of him.
Your fear of him is controlling you right now.
You are amplifying the power he actually has, which is a result of the number he did on you when you were in a relationship. He has much less power than you think.
I think the Freedom Programme will be very good for you, it deconstructs violent relationships, so you can understand how it all unfolded, and the after effects.

Try and let people advise you (solicitors/women's aid etc) who are more objective, and have experience in this. I would say that letter is the right way to go, and don't have anymore contact with him by text etc, block him.

If you feel threatened or intimidated by his contact, call your local police Domestic Violence Unit. If you are having unwanted attention from him and are feel coerced, then they can act on this.
Don't worry about things that haven't happened yet, talking yourself around because of the minute chance that he could turn your son against you when he is oldest is madness, when you have a young child to protect right now against a very unstable person.