Affairs/future/does it ever work out ?

[aazaazo09]

I am fully prepared to be slated. I have posted many times on Mumsnet but i have changed my username for this thread.

I had an affair with a married man. We met in secret for approx 7 months before his wife found out about 4 months ago. I fully expected him to plead forgiveness from her & try to re-build but he stated quite clearly (as he always had done)that the marriage had been long dead. So, he left her - for me.

We have been extremely happy in the past few months - lots of ups and downs but we have ridden the storm until his stbxw contacted me in the past 2 weeks.

I know my part in all of this but it shook me the core. I have told him he should return to his family. The guilt for her is crushing me.

Really my question is - does it ever work out with the OW ?

By the way vagabond nice post, you are spot on. X

DP and I were both married to other people when we met, albeit both marriages were dead in the water.

My husband knew I was seeing other people (we had a sexless relationship by that point) and grudgingly accepted it as he didn't have any desire to have sex with me. There were many other issues in the relationship as well as the lack of sex, and I was lonely and very unhappy.

It's still early days, but my relationship with DP is going very well. As a previous poster said, people don't tend to leave marriages on a whim; we are both deadly serious about each other. I fully intend to remain faithful to him, and believe him when he says he will be faithful to me. His parents and sister are incredibly supportive of the relationship (they knew about the issues in his marriage) and have welcomed me into the family. I regret that his children will, inevitably, be affected by their parents' divorce, but the relationship was irretrievably broken anyway, and if he hadn't left to be with me, he would have left under other circumstances. The marriage was already effectively over so I don't really see myself as culpable.

It's natural to be upset at the realisation that you've contributed, in some way, to somebody else's unhappiness, but please don't be eaten up by guilt; if your partner's marriage was unhappy, he would probably have been unfaithful with someone else if not with you, or might have left anyway. Good luck.

Personally i could not be happy in a relationship if i felt that happiness had come at the expense of other peoples unhappiness.
We can all trot out the argument that you should not stay in a relationship if you are unhappy etc but what about the children caught up in the fallout who have no control and no say but are forced to deal with the heartache nontheless.

I feel sorry for you, op. He was clearly unhappy and wanted out and it's probably easier for the ex to believe you lured her husband away than accept that he no longer loved her.

He was right to leave, wrong of you both to be together before he left.

What did he say about the stalking? I know plenty will say you deserved that, but no one deserves that in mybopinion. I hope she has reserved some vitriol for the man that vowed to be faithful to her. Or is she letting him off the hook so he knows he one day may come back?

For 2 couples I know of it has worked out well for many, many years [32 years in one case, 18 years in the other] and they seem happy with each other but maybe regretful of the children [now older adults] who they rarely see and have a strained relationship with. When they meet it is the elephant in the room...still.

In both cases the 'children' of the marriages have been deeply hurt and left to deal with very upset, wounded, bitter mothers who have at times been suicidal. Two of the daughters indeed are damaged and unstable personalities who do not make good relationships.

But hey, as long as dad is happy........

I think it's perfectly fair to observe that by asking this question, OP is showing her insecurity about her relationship, and that's something she possibly has to explore. To call that observation a judgment is pure projection.

An observation, once stated, becomes a projection. If silent, then indeed, your observation could actually be called a reflection.

I think it's quite obvious that anyone who posts on mumsnet asking for advice is feeling insecure. Otherwise, they would have to change the name of the website to something like 'I-know-I'm-right-net" and I don't think that would get a lot of traffic. ;)

Of course it works out sometimes.

He shouldn't go back to her though. He's left. She needs to heal and not have him messing her around.

I'm curious so please op don't think I am picking a fight, I am just not shore how else to word this.

Do you think you enjoyed the drama and that's why your wracked with gilt and told him to go back to his family... while wanting him to stay with you and assure you that your special and he loves you etc?

it's worked out well for me! I was the wife (in an abusive marriage to an alcoholic).and my now DH the OM. 6 years later and we are the most happy stable settled marriage I could ever have dreamt of!

I'd watch your back! Cheaters rarely change. He was willing to cheat on her - someone he'd made vows with - and he's not even married to you.

My ExH cheated on me quite a bit. I left him. His next serious relationship was a few years later - she moved in with him. I said to my now DH, that I bet e cheats on her, because if he could cheat on his wife and mother of his children (me) then I'm sure as hell he will cheat on a girlfriend. Ah. I was (sadly) right. She discovered it and left him. He's now alone and turns 50 next year. Still goes on bar crawls every weekend hoping to pick up women. It's so desperately sad, imo.

I know of one couple who married after an affair. It's been a disaster tbh but they've 'stuck it out' to no one's benefit. I suppose once they'd behaved so badly they fely they had to justify that by staying together. The DH certainly hasn't worked on the personality issues that led him to behave like a shit in the first place. The second wife and he seem to hate each other a lot of the time. I think the first wife got yhe better outcome really in the long term.

Well then Vagabond, we agree the OP is insecure. I think she should explore what concerns her rather than assess the longevity of her own relationship based on people who are not her or her partner. That's not a judgment on her character and it's interesting that you think it is.

I was the OW. We've been married now for 19 years, got kids of our own.

ExW is happily remarried (about 15 years ago). Dh and exW maintained a cordial relationship for the sake of their children and now the children are grown with children of their own they (dh & exW) still manage to be friendly towards each other at family functions.

Dhs relationship with his children from his first marriage has come good, but it was ropey for a few years when they were in their late teens / early twenties.

The first few months that we were together were very tough, a lot of guilt and heartache. It was not something that either of us did lightly.

I'm sorry, I literally cannot feel sorry for you, my husband has done this to me and it has broken me and the kids,if you were the other woman in my world I would want you to feel every ounce of that guilt.
To have affairs in my mind is unforgivable.he should have left her before the affair started and how you could have an affair knowing the hurt you would cause is beyond me.sorry that's just my opinion.

In my experience I've never known a man to leave a marriage or long term relationship, know matter how toxic it has become, until his head has been well and truly turned about for him to be confident that he will have another bed to sleep in soon enough.

That doesn't mean to say he will go and leap straight into living with another women immediately

He may try to make out his head hasn't been turned and live alone for a while to save face

The ex wives and ex partners may be in blissful ignorance in these cases, believing their other halfs have left of their own doing with no third party involved

The suggestion that men should have left before the affair / relationship started is something that in my opinion doesn't happen.

I'd be very happy to be proven wrong here though. But sadly know one would really ever know as the secrets and lies they would go to to cover up a secret partner is their main priority.
Men don't like coming off as the bady and prefer to be seen as the injured party or victim and may make out instead that their ex partner was abusive or had some personality disorder

They may even end up believing this themselves

Apologies for the rogue 'know's' where I should have written 'no'

Hi OP.

I met my DH when I was in a LTR with someone. No kids, but lying to my then boyfriend and leaving him for now DH destroyed him, friendship circles and I will now have to live with the guilt forever. I can never forgive myself for acting as I did.

That said, DH and I are happy together now, and my old boyfriend is too - lots of water under the bridge. But thank GOD there were no children involved.

Look, it's selfish and dishonest and cruel, what you both did - and I understand it. But if you love him, you have to keep going and work your arse off to get past that and build something. You're just starting from a much harder place than many others.

Good luck.

I know two couples who started out as affairs still going.

One she was the OW but she had no clue until he left the marriage and fessed up. They've been together a long time now and are happy but the marriage he left was an affair marriage also but obviously didn't last. (again in that marriage the OW had no clue until it was too late. For this reason she didn't blame the new OW when he did it to her. I think this has probably helped the current marriage last.)

Another she had OM. She should have got out much sooner but was young with DC and the circumstances were difficult. She got out after a few months and is very happily married to the OM and has been for years. She lost a lot along the way though.

I also know a string of people who have been hurt by affairs and struggled to recover, many failed relationships born out of affairs and some amazing kids who lost a parent because they fucked off and didn't look back.

I haven't dropped 7Ibs in 10 days in weight due to the stress of what i feel (btw I weighed 8 stone before & I am 5'7")

Impossible.

Funny how these attacks of the guilts only start after the affair isn't it when they see how much everyone hates them for it. Never while it's going on.

In answer to your question, I think it can work out, has as much a chance as any other long term relationship really and unlike many others on here I think there are times when an Exit Affair is the only thing that gives someone the strength to leave a very unhappy relationship.

Also I do think there is a danger when you leave a relationship in that way that it is purely a temporary high and the person leaving won't want to "settle" for you - you were a means to an end iyswim?

Not sure why you've posted here though, you will have known you'd get slated on this particular forum.