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Original poster

Affairs/future/does it ever work out ?

120 replies

aazaazo09 · 02/11/2016 18:46

I am fully prepared to be slated. I have posted many times on Mumsnet but i have changed my username for this thread.

I had an affair with a married man. We met in secret for approx 7 months before his wife found out about 4 months ago. I fully expected him to plead forgiveness from her & try to re-build but he stated quite clearly (as he always had done)that the marriage had been long dead. So, he left her - for me.

We have been extremely happy in the past few months - lots of ups and downs but we have ridden the storm until his stbxw contacted me in the past 2 weeks.

I know my part in all of this but it shook me the core. I have told him he should return to his family. The guilt for her is crushing me.

Really my question is - does it ever work out with the OW ?

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 02/11/2016 19:39

I think you're being used.

Sounds like he was bored in his marriage, you give him a way out & he takes the leap, as he's too spineless to do the decent thing & tell his wife first that the marriage is over.

I just don't see how you can trust someone who's prepared to get involved with you before, his marriage has ended. He's now got form for cheating.

In answer to your question though, there are countless cases, where it does work out with the OW. What people want in their 20's differs vastly from say their 40's & people to do change. Just wish they'd go about it the right way.

exWifebeginsat40 · 02/11/2016 19:49

my XH left his first wife for me. it took him 10 years but he did it to me too. with hindsight I am horrified at how I behaved in the beginning. steer well clear.

instantly · 02/11/2016 19:49

Yes sometimes you can be.

It makes people feel better to think that a couple who got together as an affair will never be happy, that their chickens will come home to roost.

But whilst that's true for some, of course plenty of people end up perfectly happy.

Myusernameismyusername · 02/11/2016 19:50

I think MumsRule like me does know both sides as we are the children who were involved in it Confused

PlantpotPookins · 02/11/2016 19:52

You know that he was most likely lying to you about not wanting to stay with her dont you? Most likely she chucked him out and his clothes after his sorry arse. He lied to her, he lied to you and he still lies. For all you know he is probably still in touch with her about their relationship and she is warming on the back burner nicely.

Gildedcage · 02/11/2016 19:56

I have no experience with which to offer you advice. However, you are now very much aware that he is capable of a very high level of betrayal. If, one would ask, he was so unhappy why did he only leave once he'd become involved with you.

I'm not judging you but I imagine it's hard to build solid trusting foundations on a bedrock of lies. Frankly you can't trust a liar. No one knows if their relationships will be a success long term. Thats just life. But I think you have very clear indications early on that he has the capacity to act in a way that is not compatible with those who have integrity.

QueenLizIII · 02/11/2016 20:04

The only thing that concerns me is thst cheating is almost always done in.cold blood not the heat of the moment as it requires planning and lying.

If someone is capable of that then id never trust them.

EarlGreyT · 02/11/2016 20:09

How many accounts do you have on MN OP? In this thread you've posted as both aazaazo09 and user1478113735, neither username has ever posted on MN other than what's on this thread. I initially thought you'd outed yourself with the post under user1478113735, but there are no previous posts under this username.

But to answer your question if this story is actually real it rarely works out with the OW

instantly · 02/11/2016 20:47

How can you say it rarely works out with the OW?

Where's your data?

user1478113735 · 02/11/2016 20:51

Thanks EGT - story is real if i was going to make one up it would be a far juicier one than this.
I have several accts on MN - some I never used. My past is very unpleasant and easily recognisable so i post under different user names simply to get some advice - maybe not the right way to do things

SlottedSpoon · 02/11/2016 20:58

My DH was married when I met him. So far I think it's working out but it's only been 26 years so far.

Hopefully I've still got a few years to go before one of us drops dead and then we'll be able to say with confidence that we were one of the 3% and not one of the 97%. Until then it's all to play for.

instantly · 02/11/2016 21:04

I'd say it has the same chances of working out or not working out as anyone else.

It's a MN myth that the OW and the MM are two evil geniuses who deserve each other and can never be happy due to the rotting and unsaveable nature of their cheating souls.

It makes you feel better when your husband walks out, but it's not always true.

friendshipstruggle · 02/11/2016 21:08

My husband left me after a brief affair, when our youngest was 6 weeks old. They are still together and happy 3 years later and I hope it lasts. I like her, I'm glad he's gone and also glad he's in a stable relationship that is good for our boys. He's a better dad now and she is wonderful with them yet mindful not to tread on my toes. What they did was wrong but sometimes good people do bad things. Of course it hurt at the time but I decided that holding on to the anger was just causing me more pain. So yes, it can work, though I appreciate my situation is very unusual and probably seems strange to a lot of people.

justdontevenfuckingstart · 02/11/2016 21:11

I was the other woman, we've bought a house and are very happy. My kids are happy, his kids are happy, his ex wife is happy. So yes it does work, there was a lot of pressure on us in the beginning because you feel it HAS to work because you've ripped other peoples lives apart. But me and oh aren't evil horrible people.Neither are my ex husband who left me for his pregnant mistress. They are ten years married with a gorgeous boy and very happy.

Lunar1 · 02/11/2016 21:12

You are more than likely his exit plan from his marriage, when he has worked through everything you will probably be dumped, only this time he won't struggle with it as you are just an OW in his eyes.

justdontevenfuckingstart · 02/11/2016 21:14

friendship that's exactly how I feel about my ex.

MissWillaCather · 02/11/2016 21:16

You have done a very very cruel and horrible thing.

It might work out, but your actions will have terrible consequences for other people.

instantly · 02/11/2016 21:20

There's a lot of bitterness on this thread.

It isn't healthy.

user1478113735 · 02/11/2016 21:31

MSW - so I, I, I have done a horrible & cruel thing ? I am solely responsible ? Like I said previously YOU do not the situation of their marriage - I'm not making excuses but do not make assumptions

user1478113735 · 02/11/2016 21:31

MWC not MSW

ivykaty44 · 02/11/2016 21:32

The problem is

If he had broke up the marriage as it was over, when it was dead, then moved into flat been a divorced man etc. Then it would be different now

But

Because he stayed until he met soMeone else and then left for you it's messy.

I think there are two types of affairs with meN either having an affair as they gave a dead marriage and those men that just have affairs because they are stupid enough to let their dick rule their lives. That's my opinion though I was married to one type and I know others like it . But I also know the other type who just made things messy by not ending their marriage when it was over, then at getting involved with someone else and staying with them long term ( 20 years)

user1478113735 · 02/11/2016 21:34

Lunar1 - if anyone dumps it would be me.
I hope to prove to be one of the 3% who make it - sometimes people do find love despite the "horrible & cruel" circumstances

winelover2 · 02/11/2016 21:38

my sister had an affair and she had been desperately unhappy and felt totally trapped for years with an abusive husband. she tried to make it work for years. She is, 20 years later with a man who loves and respects her and is very happy. The point is. Good people do bad things sometimes and sometimes people are just aresholes. You cannot make sweeping generalisations about any relationships. Some people are serial cheaters, some are so unhappy they feel utterly trapped and it's the push to get them to face up to that. In an ideal world each grown up would say "oh I'm unhappy lets separate and happily move on" life is sadly not that simple. How many women/men on here just stick it out no matter how horrific it is. Our capacity for dealing with mixed hope/fear keeping us stuck in an unhappy place is huge.

instantly · 02/11/2016 21:39

I also think that a lot of the time you don't even realise how unhappy you are, until you meet someone who makes you happy(ier)

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2016 21:49

Ah lot of replies here trying to tell you it seldom works and lots of bad crap to make you feel bad.

The truth is it depends on why people split up and why people have affairs. Your partner says the marriage was already dead, for him it was. Otherwise he would not have left her. You have just as much chance of making a success of your relationship with him as any two people in a relationship. Nearly everyone comes with previous relationships, and yep, sometimes they overlap.

It's really that simple, and for many, it's really that unpalatable.so ignore the crappy made up stats and whatever else. You love him, he loves you, you're a couple, good luck.

And for the record, husbands are not possessions, they are not stolen, uou don't hand them back, they are people who make decisions, good and bad ones, and sometimes, the first marriage was the bad one,