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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affairs/future/does it ever work out ?

120 replies

aazaazo09 · 02/11/2016 18:46

I am fully prepared to be slated. I have posted many times on Mumsnet but i have changed my username for this thread.

I had an affair with a married man. We met in secret for approx 7 months before his wife found out about 4 months ago. I fully expected him to plead forgiveness from her & try to re-build but he stated quite clearly (as he always had done)that the marriage had been long dead. So, he left her - for me.

We have been extremely happy in the past few months - lots of ups and downs but we have ridden the storm until his stbxw contacted me in the past 2 weeks.

I know my part in all of this but it shook me the core. I have told him he should return to his family. The guilt for her is crushing me.

Really my question is - does it ever work out with the OW ?

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 02/11/2016 18:49

Whether or not it ever works out for other people is totally irrelevant as a predictor for you.

Why are you feeling shocked to the core now?

Original poster
aazaazo09 · 02/11/2016 18:55

I think it is the realisation of what we have done. ALL the blame is being laid at my doorstep & I am just consumed with guilt.
I have no illusions of poor me for receiving the communication - I feel horrible and so I should

OP posts:
Colourmylife1 · 02/11/2016 18:57

My STBXH left me for OW 20 months ago shortly after our 25th anniversary. He moved in with her the same day. AFAIK they are happy. Othe other hand his formerly close DPs and 3 DS have very little to do with him and have said they will never agree to meet the OW. I personally don't think you can be truly happy when you have ruined so many lives but some people are just very selfish.

ImperialBlether · 02/11/2016 19:01

What did his wife say to you, OP?

If you dumped him now, do you think he'd go back to her?

QueenLizIII · 02/11/2016 19:02

I dont think you can compare but the old wisdom is you create a vacancy when the mistress becomes the wife.

LineyReborn · 02/11/2016 19:02

Well I'm sure a lot of men / women claim their marriage is over, whilst still having sex with their spouses and telling them that they love them up until the day before they leave.

Hence the very fucked up lives around them.

Goingtobeawesome · 02/11/2016 19:05

What do you truthfully want from this post? You fucked someone else's husband and only now you feel fake guilt?

It's a pathetic question as sometimes the cheating husband decides to stay with the bit on the side and sometimes he doesn't.

QueenLizIII · 02/11/2016 19:07

It is a bit contrived all this. The magnitude of it hitting her.

Surely it hit her when she was fucking someones husband.

Sweets101 · 02/11/2016 19:08

Even if he left you to go back to her, their relationship could never ever be the same again. Especially if he went under duress!
Who really wants a man that doesn't want them?

SquirrelPaws · 02/11/2016 19:08

I know two couples who started as affair partners, both now in their 70s.

One couple are blissfully happy with each other, but his XW's understandable loathing of both of them has made occasions such as their DC's graduations/weddings etc very, very uncomfortable.

The other couple have had an easier ride. They are now on friendly terms with her XH and his new partner, do family Christmases with their grown-up DC, and on the whole it's all fine now. It was a long road, at least one of the DC didn't talk to their mum for years.

All the women who've had affairs with my uncle have been out of luck. He doesn't leave and my auntie doesn't throw him out, she just respects and likes him less each time.

Allnewtome73 · 02/11/2016 19:09

He might not want to go back to his ex wife. If it was dead in the water then why would he?

Happydappy99 · 02/11/2016 19:11

My ex went straight to the OW when I kicked him out and on the surface they are happily married but they are really struggling. He hasn't been faithful to her and unsurprisingly she doesn't trust him.

FatOldBag · 02/11/2016 19:11

There's a really good book "not just friends" by Shirley Glass. As I recall, she said research shows that relationships that started as an affair have a long-term success rate of about 3%. All sorts of factors feed into that though. I think your biggest problem is that your dp is untrustworthy. You might feel secure in the relationship now, as everything (including you!) is new and exciting. But when you settle into your relationship and things get mundane (or real - shopping, washing up, working occur more often than sneaking about and shagging), or you get older, have kids to look after or your body changes, is he going to be seeking some fun and excitement elsewhere while lying to you, just like he did to his wife when he was having his affair with you?

PoshPenny · 02/11/2016 19:11

Well the guilt appears to be getting to you for presumably "destroying" the STBXW's marriage, and I guess it isn't her that is telling you how awful her life is. But. How do you know what she is telling you is the whole truth rather than just her version of events designed to guilt trip you in to ha ding him back. Could possibly what she's doing now be the reason her husband said the marriage was over in all but name. Difficult for you either way because if you tough it out and/or she doesn't get her husband back you'll be called brazen and heartless and a whole load of other uncomplimentary things. So I think whatever you do you'll be called names and insulted. If you're not happy then perhaps you should just call it a day

AnyFucker · 02/11/2016 19:12

What do you want us to say ?

user1478113735 · 02/11/2016 19:14

He doesn't want to go back to her & won't.

Anyway - thanks for the replies.

I was never looking for sympathy I KNOW what we have done - I was just looking for replies to successful outcomes.

It isn't contrived. I was shocked to receive the communication after months of her stalking me and my children to the point of me threatening an injunction against her. I know we have done wrong and fully expected the slating.

JellyWitch · 02/11/2016 19:15

Yes it can work out but it depends how much there is to untangle from the first relationships. No kids or financial commitments and it's a lot easier to have a clean break, no matter how the new relationship began.

If there are kids involved and therefore a different level of commitment and ongoing mess then it's a different situation with more stresses that can break the new relationship.

As for your situation: you've both made your bed; yes the soon to be ex is hurting; no it isn't going to get easier quickly. But if you and your partner love each other and can commit, you can come through it.

It's very easy to judge. But unless you are actually in the relationships affected, you aren't really in a position to.

AnyFucker · 02/11/2016 19:24

Name change fail ?

Myusernameismyusername · 02/11/2016 19:24

My father and step mother have been married ever since their affair but even nearly 15 years later this is still an issue. They still feel guilty. She tells me that whenever I see her. It has eaten her up. I have little respect or sympathy for either of them but I don't want them to be unhappy. I just don't like what they did.

mumsRule1 · 02/11/2016 19:25

My dad did this to my mum. Had an affair for years before being found out. They had been married for nearly 30 yrs. It totally destroyed our family. My mum was heartbroken and even now after 9 years she has never gotten over it. It has ruined the relationship me and my brothers had with him because of how it has affected our mum. He stayed with the OW but I think he must regret the hurt he has caused and the permanent rift with the whole of his family. He hasn't seen his grandchildren grow up and it makes me sad every day. This must cause tension between him and the OW who I will never meet because I can't bear to. I know affairs happen between 2 people but the OW took my Dad away in my eyes.. sorry OP, probably not what you wanted to hear x

user1478113735 · 02/11/2016 19:26

yes name change fail not sure what has happened there

user1478113735 · 02/11/2016 19:30

mumsRule1 - I am prepared and have heard it all and I am very sorry for what happened to you & your family.
But as someone said previously no one knows the whole story.
As I said previously I am not looking for any sympathy and accept full responsibility for our actions.

LineyReborn · 02/11/2016 19:30

Deception isn't always so easy, eh?

OlennasWimple · 02/11/2016 19:30

I know two examples of people who have now been married to the OW for longer than they were married to their first wife, but I think they are very much the exception rather than the rule

AllPowerfulLizardPerson · 02/11/2016 19:35

" was just looking for replies to successful outcomes."

To echo AF - why?

Is it because you somehow want to stoke a fairytale romance? Because real life doesn't work like that.

You didn't expect him to leave his wife, you've been landed with the booby prize, and it's wrecked other people's lives on the way.

And the breakdown rate for second marriages (all second ones, not just those contracted with a known liar) is higher that that for first ones. No-one here has a crystal ball so they can tell you what lies ahead.

But you don't have to stay with this man (out of guilt?) if you don't want to.

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