Affairs/future/does it ever work out ?

[aazaazo09]

I am fully prepared to be slated. I have posted many times on Mumsnet but i have changed my username for this thread.

I had an affair with a married man. We met in secret for approx 7 months before his wife found out about 4 months ago. I fully expected him to plead forgiveness from her & try to re-build but he stated quite clearly (as he always had done)that the marriage had been long dead. So, he left her - for me.

We have been extremely happy in the past few months - lots of ups and downs but we have ridden the storm until his stbxw contacted me in the past 2 weeks.

I know my part in all of this but it shook me the core. I have told him he should return to his family. The guilt for her is crushing me.

Really my question is - does it ever work out with the OW ?

I'm curious though. You said his wife found out? What do you think would have happened if she hadn't found out? Would he still have left her? Maybe he did want to fix things with her but she kicked him out. I wouldn't believe anything he tells you, if he can lie to his wife he can lie to you.

We can't help who we fall in love with. However, there is no excuse for having an affair. No matter what the state of the marriage is. You end the relationship first before you enter into a new one.

I know of a couple of people who have been the OW and none of the relationships have lasted. A lot of the time it's the thrill of the affair and once that wears off then it's done.

However, everyone is different.

Everyone is indeed different.

Some people have first marriages which work out. Some don't. But at the point of embarkation on the relationship, no-one can know. And other people's stories won't help you.

OP: you say you didn't expect him to leave his wife - does that mean you don't actually want him now?

Ruby, let's hope you are never in the position you clearly despise.

DH was married when we met (no children and only married for a year). We've now been together 20 years with 2 DC and are very happy. You really can't generalise though. Everyone is different. But don't let the fear that "it can't ever work" be the factor that makes it fail.

Both my husband and I were married when we met (no kids involved). Nearly 15 years later and 2 kids together, going strong.

Of the people I know who have cheated:

One lived happily ever after with the OW for 25 years. She became part of the family. Then he cheated and left her.

One left and married the OW, had 2 kids then 10 years later, cheated and left her for next the OW. Now shagging around.

One married the OW, had a kid with her and then cheated.

One married the OW and they are now living happily together with a DC but his teenage DD wouldn't speak to him for years and has never met OW or the new half-sibling.

Good luck OP, you'll need it!

Probably it won't work out, because relationships between habitual liars seldom do. I don't mean to sound as harsh as I probably do but that's the reality isn't it? You are in a LTR with someone who is dishonest, and you were as dishonest as he was. Excuse us for the lack of hand-wringing.

Humblebee1 - it is possible to feel compassion for someone and still not feel safe around them and want to protect yourself. I felt a lot of compassion for my ex when he had a total breakdown after our relationship ended. I still got a restraining order because 2 am abusive phone calls and pushing shit through my letterbox was not ok.

I didn't hate him. I felt sorry for him. I just needed it to stop. Could easily be the same with the OP. Being an ExW doesn't mean you get to behave in a threatening manner with no repercussions.

I personally think if a man is willing to cheat on wife you are not going to go sailing into the sun set!!! Why did you carry on knowing he was married? She must be really hurting now.

Oh I know what your saying 39up, and in black and white you're right of course. Its just if people would leave other people's spouses alone there wouldn't be any need for the op to have ever had to obtain one in the first place. Funny how people that force unreasonable cruel circumstances onto other people, people who can't just do the right thing are quickest to throw the book at others. That's all.

If you were secure in this relationship, you wouldn't need to ask how other ones panned out.

I was married when I met my now DP 8 years ago. I got divorced and we finally got together when I got my decree absolute, we're still happy and going strong 6 years later.

It took meeting him to give me the strength to get out of the EA marriage I was in.

Humblebee1 - This is a total tangent from the OP’s original post so I won’t keep on this thread and won’t reply again, but that’s a terribly terribly dangerous line to take, I think. Victim blaming is never OK. Lots of things cause hurt and upset. That never justifies the kind of behaviour which merits an injunction. It’s never OK to threaten or harass or stalk or hurt someone. That’s why it’s illegal. And victim blaming is not OK. No victim of crime should be told she ought to have endured criminal behaviour as an act of penance.

I think a relationship that starts from an affair (and subsequent traumatic marriage breakdown) is pretty obviously going to have more challenges than one that starts with two single people dating. You both have his ex-wife (who is understandably angry and hurt) and his children (who are likely to be traumatised) to contend with...and they aren't going away. Its not going to be plain sailing.

No judgement from me. I agree with the pp who said It's a MN myth that the OW and the MM are two evil geniuses who deserve each other and can never be happy due to the rotting and unsaveable nature of their cheating souls. Shit happens. People make fucked up decisions and hurt each other.
Unfortunately, in an affair situation, nobody escapes without battlescars, including the MM and OW....

There is a certain type of person who can't be alone. If your DPs marriage was genuinely over and done with, no interest left, no chance of salvaging, he either a) would have already left before the affair or b) was waiting for an excuse. You were his excuse.

39up, I already said you were right about that before. You have misunderstood. People just don't appreciate the extent that adultery inflicts on lots of people's lives, never mind their own. All the buzz and excitement is short lived, then reality sets in, as it seems to have for op.

Mnetters post here all the time on a range of subjects that might not align with your experiences and/or morals. OP is perfectly entitled to seek opinions and ask for others' experiences in relation to her life. Who are you to judge her for asking questions?

I find it disgusting that members have pointed out her name-change fail. She said she'd changed names to ensure her anonymity and the first thing some of you do is start throwing up her past identities. That is morally wrong. You should be ashamed.

So many of you assume that relationships borne from affairs will fail. Well, I can tell you that to create and endure a long-standing relationship resulting from 2 broken marriages (and children) takes herculean efforts requiring patience, compassion, humility and understanding.

Serious-minded people who leave unhappy marriages to be with someone else, face an incredible amount of trauma of their own. It isn't just the guilt (which is considerable), but the massive upheaval in their families, sometimes losing full-time custody of children, being ostracised, losing so many friends, sacrificing family gatherings, the financial loss, family not speaking to you, the shame of the circumstances of your union. So many things against you as a new couple. You have to have a very strong union to withstand that and get through it.

Everyone seems to think that the new couple, borne from leaving marriages, is all roses. It's not. You have to endure a lot of slights and exclusions.

If, having withstood all that, and having forged a loving relationship, possibly with children, do you really think that "marrying your mistress creates a vacancy?" No. It doesn't. Nobody sane would ever go through that hell again. Emphasis on the word 'sane'.

OP, what did your partner's ex write to you about?

People cheat. I know they do. But people rarely leave a long term relationship for someone else unless they are deadly serious about it. Don't mistake cheating for a serious life decision.

And be kind. OP is just another Mumsnetter who asked a question. Give her your respect by either leaving well enough alone or by contributing genuinely, and without bitterness.

Honestly? I think there is some truth to the whole "the OW doesn't owe any loyalty to the wife, but the husband does", so I think he is guilty of much worse than you actually. As far as you knew, the marriage was dead in the water blah blah. Obviously, it's foolish to believe a marriage is dead if the couple are still living together IMHO, but that's the line you were spun and the line you fell for. Or maybe it was true, but I'd say that's unlikely.

If you want my honest opinion on the future of your relationship; if I ever did anything as silly as having an affair with a married man and he then left his wife and children for me, I think I would run like fuck in the other direction. I think this relationship will be tainted by the pain it has caused other people and I don't think there's anything you can do no matter how long you are together to fix that. I think you do sound like you care about the pain you've caused and that's why I don't think you realistically have a future with him (sorry if that's a bit brutal).

Fuckthattooneside...... If you haven't been through it, you don't know how it feels. So you are casting your suppositions on what you think you would feel on something that has never happened to you on someone you have never met. Why would you advise someone on something you have never experienced? It's just your feeling on something you know nothing about. How weird. It's not brutal at all. It's just well... a bit of an empty argument and a bit lame. Not meaning to be nasty.

But! You are right about the relationship being tainted. But aren't all our lives tainted somewhat, by some things?

Well, arguably, if you, for example have been through it (as in been the OW) then your view could be somewhat biased. I am pretty impartial as I haven't been through it, but obviously, like most people on the planet, I know people who have. That's unavoidable. Just because you've experienced one thing doesn't mean the same will happen for someone else who is in an OW / married man relationship.

You disagree with what i said in my first post, but you were 100% trying to undermine my opinion (whether or not you class that as "nasty"; I do), when you called it empty, lame and basically dismissed me because I haven't been in that sort of relationship before.

My dh and I were both 'affair partners'. We both left our spouses for each other. Long story short, my marriage was over, he married the wrong woman.

We have been very happy for for years now. Although his exw still hasn't got over it, but thats a different story all together.

I wasn't married but I'd been living with someone for 5 years. DH was in a relationship (he was always in a relationship, he was a bit of a womaniser). We were friends for a couple of years, we fell in love, we had a brief fling then we moved in together.

Everyone hated us for a while and we lost some good friends. My ex was heartbroken and we were consumed by guilt. Everyone told him that I'd cheated once and I'd do it again. Everyone told me that I was just another, slightly more difficult, conquest for him.

Now; well we have been together 25 years, neither of us has ever been anywhere near cheating; we have a very strong, loving relationship. No regrets.

My sister got with a married man about ten years ago and he left his wife for her after maybe a year. They're probably the happiest couple I know.

I can't see where anyone has been outing op's other identities

Hey OP. Yes of course it sometimes works out. Seen a few very happy marriages come out of it and of course some that have been a disaster like any normal relationship!

Guilt is a completely pointless emotion. Please try and move on from it as it changes nothing.

Stick two fingers up at the world and crack on. Good luck. Xxx