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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affairs/future/does it ever work out ?

120 replies

aazaazo09 · 02/11/2016 18:46

I am fully prepared to be slated. I have posted many times on Mumsnet but i have changed my username for this thread.

I had an affair with a married man. We met in secret for approx 7 months before his wife found out about 4 months ago. I fully expected him to plead forgiveness from her & try to re-build but he stated quite clearly (as he always had done)that the marriage had been long dead. So, he left her - for me.

We have been extremely happy in the past few months - lots of ups and downs but we have ridden the storm until his stbxw contacted me in the past 2 weeks.

I know my part in all of this but it shook me the core. I have told him he should return to his family. The guilt for her is crushing me.

Really my question is - does it ever work out with the OW ?

OP posts:
JellyWitch · 02/11/2016 21:51

Well said, Bluntness

WombOfOnesOwn · 02/11/2016 21:54

My DH and I were both in polyamorous arrangements when we met but went behind the backs of our partners and "cheated" and made plans to be together monogamously. We have a little boy now. We are very happy, so is our son. Neither of us has spoken to our exes since our various personal effects were separated from theirs, and we wouldn't have it any other way (my ex was an abusive twat who raped me, and who entered a state of actual honest to god diagnosable psychosis if he got low on sleep for 2-3 days, his ex was whatever the woman equivalent of a cocklodger was).

I will say that we had occasional trust issues early on, and that when I was in late pregnancy I got a little jumpy, knowing that many men stray then. But because BOTH of us understand that the way our relationship started could affect our fears and anxieties, we keep very open communication lines, happily loan our phones to each other when the other person's battery is low, have email account access if we want it. I think if either of us started becoming suddenly secretive about electronic communications, the other person would instantly be on alert.

So keep that in mind -- it DOES have effects, even if they're not ones you'll think about daily. Personally, I'd make the same decision again in a heartbeat, but YMMV, some people would not be okay with a relationship wherein both partners had to make a commitment to communication about these fears and anxieties whenever they crop up.

Oblomov16 · 02/11/2016 21:57

It's not good, not good foundations, if you know the person who you are with is a liar and lacking integrity.
You can dress that up as many times as you want, but the core is still there.
It's like poison, rotting away. How do you ignore that?

londonginge · 02/11/2016 22:02

Totally depends on if the marriage was already dead and he was too spineless to jump without a safety net or if his head was turned, in which case I do believe in once a cheater... Neither option is one I would want but I'd say your chances were higher in option one. I don't think it's your place to feel guilty either way, he broke his vows, not you.

FannyCabbage · 02/11/2016 22:02

My mum had an affair 13 years ago. She's married now to my stepdad and they're very happy. Both left long term marriages to be together, walking away with nothing but a suitcase of clothes. Happy endings do happen x

justdontevenfuckingstart · 02/11/2016 22:05

Alternatively you know what that person walked away from to be with you. Nobody is perfect. Everyone lies. No one has 100 % integrity. There is no poison rotting away in my relationship. Much the opposite as neither of us want to repeat the past.

Oblomov16 · 02/11/2016 22:11

No one has that much integrity?
100%?
Really? That's quite a strong statement. Have you ever met any people who were very definite about things? people who have strong integrity and you are absolutely sure that they would never ever cheat? or do you not believe that bit?

Oblomov16 · 02/11/2016 22:11

Everyone lies.
Really?

tigerdriverII · 02/11/2016 22:11

Well, I was one week off my first marriage when I met DH. I did go on with the marriage ( no DC) but after 11 years left EXH and 24 years and one DC later everything is rosy. I would be slaughtered on MN now for this.

justdontevenfuckingstart · 02/11/2016 22:23

Yes everyone lies and nobody has 100% integrity. It doesn't have to be about affairs. Nobody can be that way. If you can say you have NEVER EVER lied then I will stand corrected.

Humblebee1 · 02/11/2016 22:29

Op, One day you might be on the other side of this kind of shit, and you may just get it. I find your post patronising and you seem to be very self consumed.

user1478113735 · 02/11/2016 22:36

Yes Humblebee1 - I am completely self consumed - I don't feel any guilt at all - I haven't dropped 7Ibs in 10 days in weight due to the stress of what i feel (btw I weighed 8 stone before & I am 5'7")

Myusernameismyusername · 02/11/2016 22:40

What do you want people to say about that? Yes it is self consuming to harp on about the guilt all the time. You can't go back and un affair the situation so you have to get a grip or get out, surely?
I say this from 15 boring years of hearing my step mum say it. What does she want me to say? Just live life. It's done now.

Badhairday1001 · 02/11/2016 22:42

Yes it can work. My mum and stepdad started as an affair 20 years ago. They both left their children and spouses and broke a lot of hearts. They have rebuilt their life and families again and are very happy now but it caused so much pain to so many people. I love my mum but I know that I would never make the decisions that she did. There are definitely kinder less painful ways to separate and start a new relationship than an affair but I try not to judge because people do fall in and out of love and maybe there is just a crossover for some people. I hope everything works out, whatever happens.

AnyFucker · 02/11/2016 22:48

You invited a "slating" by whining on here about how "bad" you feel then you get sarky with people who give you what you wanted.

I'll ask you again. What do want people to say ? Give us a clue then we can get this self pity fest over with.

HappyJanuary · 02/11/2016 22:50

Op I just don't understand how the guilt has only just hit you. It's really hard to believe. Surely you had sufficient imagination to know that you were hurting a real woman in the most terrible way? If her suffering is only now real to you because of her communication, then you really must be incredibly selfish and self absorbed. Maybe more honest to say you knew but didn't care, until now?

Second marriages are statistically far more likely to fail than first marriages, and even more so if they began as affairs. I don't know whether 3% is accurate, but if I was told that I had a 97% of being run over by a bus tomorrow I wouldn't leave the house. So many people hurt. How much better does your new life have to be to justify all of it?

You might last, you might not, but I suspect that a little bit of you will always be wondering whether you can trust him, whether he left his ex voluntarily, and why on Earth you fell for someone capable of behaving like an absolute shit to the woman he married.

Humblebee1 · 02/11/2016 22:53

Not so well said, Bluntness. I mean your point might be valid if the first marriage was actually ended in a respectful manner. Marriages fail, but if the person was good enough to make babies with, they should remember the responsibility that goes with that when things don't turn out as planned and deal with it respectfully, not emotionally damage the other parent by sneaking off with someone else.

39up · 02/11/2016 23:00

My PiL started as an affair. They've been together for 43 years now, 2 DCs, plus DGCs and they seem happy. However, FiL ended up totally losing all contact with his ExW and DCs from the first marriage as the divorce was so messy.

Statistically, the 3% figure includes all the men who don't leave their spouse etc. I'm told that marriages that come about as the result of affairs have a 75% failure rate, but that's not very different to the failure rate for second marriages anyway.

And whatever happens, I don't think strangers on the internet are really in any position to judge. They don't know you or your DP or his Ex. Only you know that.

Humblebee1 · 02/11/2016 23:07

Op, for what its worth, your oh is the one that messed up his family and he should be the guilty one. But I think yours is a case of playing with fire and getting burned, but your pain is your own doing like you say. Victims of affairs don't ask to be shat upon.

Gildedcage · 02/11/2016 23:24

I take exception to the comment regrading integrity.

If you, whichever pp stated this, have previously had an affair then so be it. It is a conscious decision and you can own your actions. However. I am a lot of things but I have complete integrity. Frankly the though that these things just happen and just accept it is pathetic.

We all have choices, sometimes we hurt others with the choices that we make. Sometimes we don't care about those choices hurting others. But at least own them. There remain to be some of us whereby honestly is all important.

RubyBluesey · 03/11/2016 00:08

what Bluntness 100 said...
whenever anyone posts a thread about having an affair on here it always gets the same old same old responses from the same old posters
self pity, slating, whining yawn yawn change the record

Humblebee1 · 03/11/2016 00:15

Rubyblusey, there is such a thing as common decency. If you play with fire - one way or another - you get burned.

We all make mistakes but if op had real regret for the betrayed wife, why get an injunction against her. That doesn't sound like much compassion does it?

5OBalesofHay · 03/11/2016 00:16

People who have affairs have affairs. You will be his ex one day.

ohdearme1958 · 03/11/2016 06:10

But as someone said previously no one knows the whole story

Just as you didnt know the whole story of this mans relationship with his wife so please do one when using that old chestnut as a justification for your behaviour.

FerretFred · 03/11/2016 06:42

People make mistakes. That could be the first marriage, or it could be the affair or both. There used to be the old saying in finance. Past performance is not always indicative of future performance.

My wife had an affair a few years back. Part of that was my fault (I was working away loads and possibly not being the most attentive) but the majority lays with her. However, she made a mistake. We all do at times.