Advice on leaving your wife (Mr popular is here!)

[jamie000]

I know this will not make me popular but I have a very odd request, which is for advice on how someone in a relationship would prefer it to end. My DW and I have been on a rocky road for at least 2 years. We have had counselling but that made things worse as we began to realise we wanted different things. But we do have a very strong bond and we're pretty good parents to one DD so we've stuck things out. In between bad times we have had great times too as we've both made an effort to make things work, but now I feel we're at another crossroads. Our DD is leaving school. To be clear, she is my step-D and I have been a good step dad. The problem is my DW is older than me (48) and although this wasn't an issue 10 years ago it sadly is now. She talks about retirement, menopause, and things that I didn't expect to have to deal with for many years. I've come to think that actually I may want kids of my own, I'm not that old, my peers are still getting married and starting families and I seem to have aged prematurely. I feel like I should be thinking about kids and the future (my career is still growing) but my life is with someone who is planning retirement and slowing down at work. On top of that she has been very critical of me of late: too much work, not enough time at home, etc. Once a week (mid week) I go to the pub and stay untill about 10. I think that is reasonable but she is lonely and wishes I took her out more. But when we do go out I really don't think we have that much in common any more (it used to be DD that drew us together) and it pains me, as she is dear to me. Basically I think I love her but not in love with her. We have spoken about splitting up before but we've decided to 1) give it another go and 2) we shouldn't do that while DD is doing gcses. I want to go but I don't know if that is just an escape route instead on knuckling down, or if I just need to put more effort in, as she would probably say. Also, I wonder if I am going through my own kind of mid-life blip as I keep thinking about 30 something women and having kids etc... which was never on my radar 5 years ago. I'm confused. I need a slap in the face and some thought provoking comments.

I'd also add that step-parents, well all parents, look very different from a child's perspective than they from yours. Stating the bleeding obvious here but, while you've been dad to dsd for about half your adult life, you have been her dad for almost as long as she can remember, the childhood eternity from tininess to teens.

Different set-up but my dad's second wife, who never performed the mum role to me, was around from a similar point in my life. Thus she is, to me, 'one of the adults who have always been around' and who, whatever my misgivings based on my DM's resentment of her, I just took for granted always would be around. That didn't change when she and DF separated in my early 20s. It was a bit of a shock to me realise that she hadn't taken that for granted and thought I might have cut ties at that point.

Thing is, as a child you're conditioned to accept your family, like them or not, because you don't have a choice. If they're vaguely ok you rub along and stay in touch. It takes a lot for most people to question that.

So, I think you'd be wrong to assume dsd won't want to know you any more. Or that it will be easy to make a clean break from her.

Well who knows hummus?

The fact is he is chatting with his attractive secretary about their 'crap' marriages which is a classic beginning to an EA.

When there is an EA history can be completely rewritten - his DW may just be seeing getting all the issues out as a positive step forward.

Meh... pointless speculation...

It is difficult because the EA is with his secretary but I do think cutting contact with her as much as possible will be beneficial, bringing the relationship back to a strictly professional one.

Getting some counselling to sort his mind out as he is clearly very confused would also be very helpful I think.

And if he does want to leave his wife, recognising that it would be very cruel to also leave his SDD.

I think that you need to divorce her. Then, figure out whether you want the freedom to do/spend what you please, or whether you want remarriage and children (your posts are a bit contradictory - please don't waste a childless thirtysomething woman's time if what you really want is freedom and financial independence ). Be as kind as possible to both your wife and your stepdaughter during the separation process.

Ok, middle aged man nobbing his secretary, but it's his wife's fault..,.mmmm, charming

Does the Totty even want more children?
In the cold light of day does she really want an older man ?
When he becomes old & fucking miserable will she dump him for a younger model? (taking half his money & pension plan ?)
Is having his own DC something he can do unthinkingly, or is he going to be counting the cost? will he interact & be dad, or is this fairytale going to be messy & require input ?
When Totty is tired, & fed up with unwanted sex, is he going to regret his actions?
Is he shallow & simplistic about "real life" ?
Is he going to live happily ever after ?
Is the good wife to blame or has he just decided a shag would be fun ?

I agree with offred too. I wonder how the OP would feel about being rejected in his 50s by his younger woman.

Sunshine, so you're with him for the financial security/clout. Fair enough. Oldest trade off there is. If that works for you, you're lucky. There would be such a visceral revulsion to that trade off for me that it was never an option.
Now I'm mid 40s, men 20 years my senior are pensioners!

Once she gets over the shock of him dumping her, the wife will probably find a new lease of life, especially when she's not being dragged down by someone seeking justification for leaving her for his secretary.

I have met someone with the same ambition as me. I am also a good person who don't treat others like cunts.

Obviously, OP, you can do what you likes and I think the relationship sounds like it has run its course. But I think you sound quite self-indulgent and somewhat resentful of others for choices you made yourself. Little sympathy really. Far more sympathy for your wife and daughter.

Where's OP gone? I hope he comes back to update us all.

When I first met my partner he had fuck all. I didn't judge him I loved his enthusiasm. It ain't all roses we had to work hard. If you want to walk around your life judging others then that's your problem why your single.

you're.
Good luck with the re-skilling.

You can't judge people because you are unhappy. I have done nothing to that woman for her to judge me. If your going to walk with that attitude no wonder your single. You want honesty I'm giving it to you and I don't even know you.

As a matter of interest, sunshine, (because I can't be arsed to read the thread again) - your husband was married to an older woman before he met you? It's no wonder that you are siding with the op, tbh. As the younger model (secretary) in the current scenario, it would be damaging for your own conscience to examine the way an older woman feels when she is dumped for a younger one. I know you have it wrapped up nicely in that both older woman and your dh met someone who was a better match (yada yada) but there is something to be said for critically assessing why you are on the op's side and refusing to see the older woman's perspective.
For older women who have life partners that leave them because they age (or new potential partners in the dating game that refuse to even consider them as people, as they have aged out) it's a very different story.
There is every likelihood that your dh will stay with you, of course. As the second model already, you have a 20 year advantage on the first. I hope that's enough for your dh in ten year's time. I imagine the kids will help cement him in place.

Pont I make you right I should have put you're. I did it again in my last wopsy daisy. I don't have to do written assignments thank god.

Uncalled for sunshine. Why do you feel so touchy about the age difference between you and your dh whilst at the same time professing youre ecstatically happy.

No one is suggesting it isn't possible for it to work or for you to make it good. But it is a cliché, surely as a woman you surely accept that. Or perhaps while still in your early 30s with a dh who is considerably older you haven't been on the receiving end of societies prejudice? Perhaps ask yourself if your ages were reversed, both you and your dh would be the same people but society would probably view it slightly differently.

In any event I think age in this thread is a misnomer to be honest.

It's not honesty - it's a refusal to accept that you might have been influenced by your own position as a younger woman. That doesn't make you honest. It makes you a younger woman. That's all great - and I'm glad you and dh are happy. But so were the op and his older wife until his head was turned.

by a younger woman.

It's such a cliche. And the cliche does affect the way that society sees marriages such as yours. It's unfair, but it does. And the older women are always the ones treated badly because of the way older women are viewed.

You are going to be one yourself. You at least owe it to other women to recognize that society treats older women badly. Specifically, men treat older women badly. No-one is advocating staying in a relationship where it is over. But it's arming how many relationships are suddenly over when the woman becomes peri menopausal and the secretary is hot.

sunshine. I'm not really understanding your message here.

I'm also a good person who don't treat others like cunts

If you want to walk around your life judging others then that's your problem why your single (sic)

Meaning.....?

Pont I didn't say that he was married??????
The reason why I am siding with the op is because he don't love her in that way. I wouldn't want to be with someone if they didn't fancy me that's fair on his wife.

Jess those posts were to Dame she has it in for me.

I think though TBF you can understand why people might be cynical about your relationship sunshine because there is such a large age difference and that is largely going to benefit your dh and mean that you lose out. You are very likely to spend your younger years caring for dc and your middle age caring for him. Who is going to care for you and how is that burden of care going to effect your choices?

Of course it would be patronising to suggest that you have not considered any of this and that you should not be free to commit to it but it is a concerning power imbalance that many women relate to and have freed themselves from because they found it unbearable in the long term - always being someone's carer.

That's why people worry too as well as wondering about the reasons why someone so much older would be interested in someone so much younger.

of course it's not fair to stay in a relationship if you fancy someone else.

but as I said, it's amazing how many perfectly happy men suddenly start having their heads turned when their wives hit 40 and the secretary is giggling over the water cooler. It's not the younger woman's fault for being younger, or more appealing in a socially and biologically defined way (look at those fertile hips and breasts) but apparently it is the older woman's fault (according to the op) for ageing.

I mean, how very dare she?

Just do the decent thing now and end your marriage. You have checked out mentally already, your wife will have realised this from your behaviour and attitude and it will probably be a relief to her that her senses are correct.
Good luck to you, I hope for your sake the grass is greener.

Sorry, Sunshine - it's a thread I really should have avoided!