Advice on leaving your wife (Mr popular is here!)

[jamie000]

I know this will not make me popular but I have a very odd request, which is for advice on how someone in a relationship would prefer it to end. My DW and I have been on a rocky road for at least 2 years. We have had counselling but that made things worse as we began to realise we wanted different things. But we do have a very strong bond and we're pretty good parents to one DD so we've stuck things out. In between bad times we have had great times too as we've both made an effort to make things work, but now I feel we're at another crossroads. Our DD is leaving school. To be clear, she is my step-D and I have been a good step dad. The problem is my DW is older than me (48) and although this wasn't an issue 10 years ago it sadly is now. She talks about retirement, menopause, and things that I didn't expect to have to deal with for many years. I've come to think that actually I may want kids of my own, I'm not that old, my peers are still getting married and starting families and I seem to have aged prematurely. I feel like I should be thinking about kids and the future (my career is still growing) but my life is with someone who is planning retirement and slowing down at work. On top of that she has been very critical of me of late: too much work, not enough time at home, etc. Once a week (mid week) I go to the pub and stay untill about 10. I think that is reasonable but she is lonely and wishes I took her out more. But when we do go out I really don't think we have that much in common any more (it used to be DD that drew us together) and it pains me, as she is dear to me. Basically I think I love her but not in love with her. We have spoken about splitting up before but we've decided to 1) give it another go and 2) we shouldn't do that while DD is doing gcses. I want to go but I don't know if that is just an escape route instead on knuckling down, or if I just need to put more effort in, as she would probably say. Also, I wonder if I am going through my own kind of mid-life blip as I keep thinking about 30 something women and having kids etc... which was never on my radar 5 years ago. I'm confused. I need a slap in the face and some thought provoking comments.

I was / still am trying to figure out if that's what's keeping me single.

Is it my delusion that I can hope to find a man roughly my own age (as in, not more than 7 years plus or minus). Perhaps I'm delusional and despite being in good nic for my age I have to accept that ageing doesn't effect men.

So basically you chose to get into a relationship with an older woman, and now she's aged you want to trade her in for a younger model?

Classic.
Don't feel guilty OP. You are only doing what men have been doing since the dawn of time.

Women are shouldn't collude with this.

Oh, and I haven't read the full thread, only the first page, but

Who Is She?

I will put money on it that if I read through, there will be someone you have your eye on

Just be honest with her , tell her the truth and move on . It's the kindest thing to do .

Wow, I hate being right.
Didn't even have to get to the end of the first page before OP revealed that he has had 'his head turned'.
Ah Bless.

At 39 as long as he is decent looking, confident has his finances and life in order he won't struggle all that much to find a woman that is 2 - 8 years younger than him.

He is only 39 not 80 jeez.

When you tell your dw that its ovet please dont lie to her when she asks if there is someone else. My exh said that he wanted to have time to himself and that there was no one else. The OW moved in the day after i moved out.

I am 30 and not interested in having any more children. So just because you have found a younger woman doesnt mean that she will want children. Although i dont think you really want children or understand that what you have been doing for your dsd ie financing her, looking after etc is the same thing that you would have to do for your own child.

It's really very simple. If you don't love her anymore then leave. Some of the reasons people are giving to stay are ridiculous.

Potential fertility issues with a future partner are no reason to stick in an unhappy relationship. There are no reasons to stay in an unhappy relationship. You will only end up old and bitter and hating each other.

Be kind and leave before you become involved with someone else and things become messy and painful.

I think its credible that you are concerned and not just running off. Obviously you have thought it out and there's still more thinking to do. People do drift apart and want different things. If I'd met my husband in my 20's I would have walked away. I'm saying that because I've changed quite drastically I think and so has he over the last decade.

You don't need our permission to leave your wife and the best you're going get is to make sure you know what you're doing. good luck

Interesting thread.
Op leave if you are not happy, thats the advice that would be dished out if you where a woman. But also realise that your expectations may be unrealistic.

OP, do you really really really truly actually want children?

Be careful of basing major life choices round having your "head turned".

Having said that though, I agree with PPs who say it sounds as if you have checked out already and now need to manage the conclusion of this relationship sensitively and straightforwardly.

rawsienna - it's his secretary. Who is unfortunately married (to a prick - aren't they all). Without the prick, I'm sure the op wouldn't be suffering such emotional difficulty, he'd have fucked his wife over already in favour of the younger model.
Sunshine, glad you are happy with your partner. You are, however, something of a cliche in the sugar daddy/ trophy wife vein. As a woman, you have no difficulties in 'catching' an older man, because they all want a younger one. Hopefully he won't be trading you in for an even younger model when you hit 40. Young women are conditioned to look up to older suave men. Men are conditioned to find older women completely invisible. Or even slightly repulsive. From a biological point of view it makes sense. From a humane relationship point of view it means women would be alone in their older years, unless we come up with some sort of compulsory lesbian kibbutz or insist we just dedicate ourselves to our grandchildren once our husbands die off.

Dame I agree with you. Some of my friends are considerably younger then me but are with men closer to my age. I used to rib them for this...saying what about women my age??! Reality is that some women are really attracted to older men and a lot of men will want a shiny young woman.

I agree with you it's pretty depressing.

Totally off topic though...have you tried tinder?? I was out with my beautiful young friend last week and she was letting me have a go of hers. Everyone in her age group had matched to her, when she put my age range in...nothing...they were looking for women in a similar age to themselves I.e my own age. If that makes sense?! GOD totally outed myself now

I haven't, maybe I should. Because I'm beginning to think that a major impediment in the progression of any relationship is lack of convenience. I want a nice local man, not tooooo much older than I am. I'm not totally unrealistic. 7 years older? max

I am going to have to think about all of the things that can be enjoyed in life without a partner. It's lonely though. A lot of the things would be better with somebody. I love myself, etc etc.......... I'm good company and interesting and clever and creative and quite sane and balanced and ready for a relationship but ........... men think I am too old.

I agree with pontification. It'd be easy to 'get' a man 20 years older.

So I'd go so far as to say it's a self-esteem issue, or perhaps a fear of abandonment thing. I don't know but I don't think it's what a confident woman who really values herself does, and you'll be angry at that I know. But as Gloria Steinham said, if something makes you angry, you need to look at that.

Dame try tinder. If nothing else it might be entertaining.

I agree with what you say re getting what you want.

It's all massively depressing. I'm very lucky.

I think we are back to 'do men fall in love the same as women' territory.

I am really bemused at your idea that you've 'done a good job' with dsd, so can now 'move on'. Did you see her as a medium term project when you took her on? One with an end date?

Even if you split with her Mum, there's surely every opportunity to remain close to her. You're the only real dad she's ever known. You are it, as far as dads go for her. The one she'd introduce to uni friends, boyfriends, future fiancé as her 'real dad', the one who was there and did the dad job. Kids do become a bit more appreciative of that as they become adults.

Bio doesn't sound up to much (hence the hugs, clinging on to something transient, feeling a need to perform affection for show).

I've always thought that late teens / young adulthood must be one of the most rewarding times of parenthood, with a bit of luck, as they're blossoming into the adults you've helped them become, becoming good company and interesting as people. At the same time, you can let go of the daily grind and start to enjoy their company more.

I find your idea of being a parent as like a tap you can turn off really weird.

I should. Christmas challenge.

All that analysis is all well and good but, as I said before this is a thread about an op who got into an age gap relationship apparently without thinking it through and now is unhappy because he feels the age gap means they have ended up in different life stages and wanting different things.

How in any way is the answer to his dissatisfaction going to be to look for another age gap relationship? He will surely end up in the exact same situation where the age gap means they are in mismatching places.

Plus this idea that he wants children 'of his own'. He wants them to be something of his instead of giving all the time to his current family without having things for himself. He has a weekly night out, they are clearly well off if they are thinking about buying a property as an investment.

I think he is in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks leaving for a younger woman and having 'his own' children will in any way make him more financially stable, require less sacrifice or give him more of 'himself' back.

My partner is a very ambitious man he doesn't stop. He loves studying, he works hard. When he lost his job he could walk into another because of all the studying. He works for himself now. When our dd was bullied we put her in a good boarding school. The schools around us are crap. She loves it their I now have to re skill so we can afford to pay for the other 2 children. He would work himself into the ground if I don't.

I am fortunate to have met a wonderful and caring man regardless of age. He knows how to take care of his family. What more do I need. You will meet someone who suits you and your needs. You got to get out more to social events it will happen.

I agree with offred there.

But actually I think his post is more about how the handle the guilt of leaving his dw when he knows that there is little wrong with that relationship. It just needs a bit of work that he is not willing to do.
Because fwiw, if the cou selling has been showing a lot of areas of disagreement and different aims etc... and it was such an issue, I imagine that his dw would actually agree with the idea of separation and there would be no need to feel guilty??

he is in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks leaving for a younger woman and having 'his own' children will in any way make him more financially stable, require less sacrifice or give him more of 'himself' back

Totally! He is completely contradicting himself, he either wants 'himself' and financial freedom, or a new family 'of his own'. At the moment the end of the financial drain is in sight. Starting from scratch with babies at 40 means you don't get your Porsche until you're 60 odd!