Advice on leaving your wife (Mr popular is here!)

[jamie000]

I know this will not make me popular but I have a very odd request, which is for advice on how someone in a relationship would prefer it to end. My DW and I have been on a rocky road for at least 2 years. We have had counselling but that made things worse as we began to realise we wanted different things. But we do have a very strong bond and we're pretty good parents to one DD so we've stuck things out. In between bad times we have had great times too as we've both made an effort to make things work, but now I feel we're at another crossroads. Our DD is leaving school. To be clear, she is my step-D and I have been a good step dad. The problem is my DW is older than me (48) and although this wasn't an issue 10 years ago it sadly is now. She talks about retirement, menopause, and things that I didn't expect to have to deal with for many years. I've come to think that actually I may want kids of my own, I'm not that old, my peers are still getting married and starting families and I seem to have aged prematurely. I feel like I should be thinking about kids and the future (my career is still growing) but my life is with someone who is planning retirement and slowing down at work. On top of that she has been very critical of me of late: too much work, not enough time at home, etc. Once a week (mid week) I go to the pub and stay untill about 10. I think that is reasonable but she is lonely and wishes I took her out more. But when we do go out I really don't think we have that much in common any more (it used to be DD that drew us together) and it pains me, as she is dear to me. Basically I think I love her but not in love with her. We have spoken about splitting up before but we've decided to 1) give it another go and 2) we shouldn't do that while DD is doing gcses. I want to go but I don't know if that is just an escape route instead on knuckling down, or if I just need to put more effort in, as she would probably say. Also, I wonder if I am going through my own kind of mid-life blip as I keep thinking about 30 something women and having kids etc... which was never on my radar 5 years ago. I'm confused. I need a slap in the face and some thought provoking comments.

Don't worry about it

a Reggie Perrin style obsession with my young secretary) (who I laugh a lot with but is married to a complete prick

Why isn't there a "rolls eyes" emoticon

So you both sit there discussing your relationships. You mention she's married - what difference does that make anyway? You're in a relationship and don't want to be, you have your nose in your secretary's relationship too, being disparaging about her husband!. In between the violins playing and no doubt much handwringing, its probably best you step back a bit for now. Be professional at work. End your relationship as peacefully as you can and then take your next step to wherever that may be

This is the usual ready for a "trade-in" story just very padded out and sympathy seeking amongst sly digs at people around your life (apart from your secretary) which also show you are in no way the selfless saint you're pretending to be. Do the right thing

This could be the story of my marriage. I married a man 9 years younger, said he was happy with being step parent to my son. Then suddenly, out of the blue announced that he did want his own children and wanted to be released to find the woman who would be the lucky mother.
I smelt a rat but he denied that there was anyone else. I told him to go but was devastated as he was so cold and cruel but guess what... there was someone else, at work, all lined up and fertile and younger and pregnant.

Op I think you are here hand wringing and looking for people to help you justify your already turned head. There is no justification and you deserve no sympathy. You know exactly what you are about to do. Just do it honestly and don't lie to her. And don't expect her or anyone else to give their blessing- you are about to mess up lives, that is the long and short of it.

OP, I am glad you feel guilty, and so you should! I hope it hurts because your wife and step-DD will also be hurt. Think long and hard about your choices and own them this time. Of course relationships change and there always comes a point where the parties are unhappy and unable to be reconciled, to the point where splitting is necessary. But I think people too easily seek to shift blame and make themselves feel better about what is in many cases (especially one-sided cases where the other person is content) a horrible thing to happen. Treat her well, be honest with yourself and I hope it works out as well as humanly possible.

Sunshine I dont have it in for you! That is silly.
Part of the reason Im single is not because Im bitter or unhappy as you want to believe. It is because men my age and even men 5-7 years older than i am, can view me as too old for them. And if there are enough women out there'll who will settle for a man a decade and more older than they are, then they are right. So your acceptance of an older man is part of the problem..

Of course it's your prerogative not to care about other/older women, but i consider it an issue.

Maybe there's a lot of Karma that goes on though? I mean, woman of 33, man of 53, yeh, maybe that works for a bit. But what about when she is 49 and he is 69, and can no longer get it up? I would imagine then, that her head might "get turned" by a man her own age, who is fit and able?

Funny how the Op has fucked off.

I wish there was Tumbleweed emoji to use when the OP disappears.

Thanks for the comments. I know some are from an objective perspective and some are from an emotional 'what a shit' perspective. They're both useful.

@Manumission "what are you hoping to get out of this thread?" I'm not great at communicating exactly what it is that is bugging me about home life. I've tried writing stuff down and see what happens, now some things are clearer. That's what I wanted.

@Offred When I said I'm upset that my SDD doesn't hug me, I don't mean that that is odd or unreasonable. I came on the scene when she was about 5ish, moved in around 7ish and she was terribly annoyed about that. But she slowly came round to the idea that I was good news and I do think she loves me, it's just that it's hard for her to show it. She does it in other ways though. But her dad has always been around, he didn't die or disappear and that regular connection, though weaker than mine, has never gone away. He doesn't have to tell her off when she's being selfish or help with her homework or comfort her when shes's upset, her mum and I do. But he has and always will be her dad and he gets the hugs. They may be all a veneer of etiquette for all I know, but she is not my daughter even though I love her and will forever be her parent - I am not going to leave her or block her out: I am not saying she doesn't mean anything to me, I love her, I'm just saying I am not her dad and somehow that seems quite painful now she's nearly grown up.

I don't think I've articulated precisely what it is I'm unhappy about. I've mentioned that I don't feel ready for thinking about retirement and that my DW is aging faster than me, but I don';t think that is the crux of it. I think I'm just bored of being in a relationship that's run out of steam. I think I just want to be me myself and I for a while.

It does seem to rile some people that I may find 28 y/os more attractive than 48 y/os but I'm sure that is quite normal for a bloke of my age. But I think becasue I am feeling low this normal distraction has become overbearing. I'm not going to comment any more but in a few weeks time I may update this post as to what happened.

Thank you.

Oh get lost with your hand wringing. You have choices, you made one when you married, deal with it.

A man I work with occasionally - left his wife some years ago now for a woman who is 22 years younger than him He's in his early 60s now always somehow has an air of misery about him. Apparently his wife still likes a social life,activities etc and he's not into that at his stage in life so it causes arguments, but she stands her ground. They have school aged DCs too. He looks so knackered. There are inevitable whispers about him as he takes food home from canteen almost every day and comments "oh good at least I'll have a dinner tonight".

Anyway good luck to those trying to keep up sexually physically and emotionally, and hoping they themselves don't get traded in for a younger model or be abandoned when they're old and a younger partner who is still fit able and active could deem it unattractive/too much hassle to do the looking after. Unless of course the older partner is loaded/has assets worth waiting it out for, which seems to make a key difference

No-one is riled that you find 28 year olds more attractive than 48 year olds, OP. People aren't soft in the head - they know that younger people are, in the main, considered more physically attractive than older people. But that's why we have this quite significant barrier to entry to marriage. It is something you have to think about before you do it, in the awareness that your partner may not always be physically or even mentally fit. It is the whining about your DW's age, a biological fact that you should find wholly unsurprising, that riles people. You seem to think the passage of time gives you a handy excuse for your own lack of staying power. It doesn't; you're just inconstant.

It does seem to rile some people that I may find 28 y/os more attractive than 48 y/os but I'm sure that is quite normal for a bloke of my age. But I think becasue I am feeling low this normal distraction has become overbearing.

Seriously? You think that's what's getting you a less than fluffy response?!
That we're 'riled' by that?

All of this tedious introspection isn't resulting in much insight is it?

It does seem to rile some people that I may find 28 y/os more attractive than 48 y/os

FFS - sorry to disturb your love affair with yourself but, nah.

You keep bitching about your stepdaughter but trying to make it sound as if you are not. You are dismissive of your wife. The sly digs at your SD & DW, mention of your cosy relationship chats with your younger secretary inc a dig at her husband, are telling. A prime example of a bloke invested in coming across as "Mr Nice" when he isn't nice at all.

Sorry not all women on here bowed down when a The Great Man entered our midst, but some of us do see through bullshit.

You leaving your wife so that you can realise not all 28 year olds are going to be falling at the feet of a 39 year old unless he has money and is very attractive - and your wife finding a man nearer her own age who is a better fit for her life - would be a fitting scenario

You're bored of being in a relationship that's run out of steam - well shit happens it can't be helped, you can leave. Don't have to play the saint tho

I think this is just a GF playing a longer game than usual TBH.

OK, I did say I wouldn't comment, but rereading a few posts it seems a lot of people seem to think I am the manifestation of evil itself and/or regard myself as a put upon saint. I am no saint, but I am very family orientated (compared to my peers).

Let me try and put it another way: I love my wife, I do not find her physically attractive any more, I love my SDD but she is not my DD and I've come to point in life where this is making me sad/pine for my own kids (probably unrealistically), I am NOT having an affair and I do NOT have anyone lined up, further I am NOT particularly confident that I would find anyone else, either around my age or younger... I am NOT lining up a younger model as some people are convinced I am.

But I do feel that by staying (and there are a thousand reasons why I should as all the saints on this thread have pointed out) then I am living a lie... and I wounder if that is worse than the pain I will cause if I go. That's all. I don't need any more opinions so feel free to argue with one another or close the thread please?

@flamingnoravera "You have choices, you made one when you married, deal with it." What does that mean? It's drivel. If you're happily married then great, other people change and need to do something about it but are not sure how or what they should do and seek opinions. Yours isn't an pinion, it's just nasty: you're very good at it, I trust you use that skill to good effect when you and your partner argue... really twist the knife in do you? Well done :(

No you're NOt family-orientated.

This isn't what family-orientated looks like.

F-O means commitment to the children is lifelong.

F-O means commitment to the family outlasts sexual desire if necessary.

F-O isn't weakened by fantasies about secretaries and porsches.

@MistressDeeCee "You keep bitching about your stepdaughter"

Either you cannot read carefully or you're just trolling. What part of I love her and she loves me and I don't think it is abnormal that she should love and hug her real dad has not sunk in?

Stop feeling sorry for yourself Jamie.

But on a positive note, I really really really hope that you get everything you deserve.

Jamie: So for all that mealy-mouthed crap you just spouted, the best you can come up with to someone who thinks you made your bed so lie in it is 'drivel'? I think we all knew you weren't looking for real opinions, just sympathy

You're tying yourself in knots trying to write an 'acceptable' narrative that justifies you acting on your instinctive desires.

Then you are coming here seeking female approval.

The result is that you're not making sense.

You don't need to do this anyway.

Decide what you want to do. Do it as respectfully as possible. Be honest with yourself about why.

It's that easy.

It does seem to rile some people that I may find 28 y/os more attractive than 48 y/os but I'm sure that is quite normal for a bloke of my age

I am no saint, but I am very family orientated (compared to my peers).

Stop hanging around with men children and priding yourself on being (in your opinion) less crass and juvenile than them. Are you 39 or 18, for crying out loud?

It does seem to rile some people that I may find 28 y/os more attractive than 48 y/os

So when your 28yr old new bird, gets to 48 ... you'll trade her in aswell I presume? Lovely trying so desperately not to tell you to ODFOD

(Blows a kiss to vanilla with her common sense advice)

I'm 42, jamie, and I had/have a crush on a guy in his twenties. He gave me his phone number a week ago. I wouldn't pursue it because that kind of age gap is frowned upon for women, and yet for men, it's ok to ditch your 'aging wife' for someone in their twenties?

You also paint a very miserable picture for women like me who are trying to keep Dad in their children's life (and it's not easy) - if I met someone else, they will resent my son's connection with his father?

I also don't understand - and you've avoided this question - why you didn't bring up the subject of having your 'own' children when it was actually viable?

Either you cannot read carefully or you're just trolling

I see through dressed up bs an bitching pretty quickly especially when its in writing. Truth often hurts. You're in the wrong forum if you expected Handmaiden tendencies to be to the fore