Advice on leaving your wife (Mr popular is here!)

[jamie000]

I know this will not make me popular but I have a very odd request, which is for advice on how someone in a relationship would prefer it to end. My DW and I have been on a rocky road for at least 2 years. We have had counselling but that made things worse as we began to realise we wanted different things. But we do have a very strong bond and we're pretty good parents to one DD so we've stuck things out. In between bad times we have had great times too as we've both made an effort to make things work, but now I feel we're at another crossroads. Our DD is leaving school. To be clear, she is my step-D and I have been a good step dad. The problem is my DW is older than me (48) and although this wasn't an issue 10 years ago it sadly is now. She talks about retirement, menopause, and things that I didn't expect to have to deal with for many years. I've come to think that actually I may want kids of my own, I'm not that old, my peers are still getting married and starting families and I seem to have aged prematurely. I feel like I should be thinking about kids and the future (my career is still growing) but my life is with someone who is planning retirement and slowing down at work. On top of that she has been very critical of me of late: too much work, not enough time at home, etc. Once a week (mid week) I go to the pub and stay untill about 10. I think that is reasonable but she is lonely and wishes I took her out more. But when we do go out I really don't think we have that much in common any more (it used to be DD that drew us together) and it pains me, as she is dear to me. Basically I think I love her but not in love with her. We have spoken about splitting up before but we've decided to 1) give it another go and 2) we shouldn't do that while DD is doing gcses. I want to go but I don't know if that is just an escape route instead on knuckling down, or if I just need to put more effort in, as she would probably say. Also, I wonder if I am going through my own kind of mid-life blip as I keep thinking about 30 something women and having kids etc... which was never on my radar 5 years ago. I'm confused. I need a slap in the face and some thought provoking comments.

a column in the Daily Fail

Agree with accross the pond.

Do not tell her ''you're too old, you're menopausal''. She knows what age she is. being thrown on the scrap heap for having aged is horrendous. Say that you've grown apart etc.

What about when she moves out and goes to uni and then finds a place of her own. What excuse will you use then.

If you are waiting for us all, with one approving voice to endorse your record as husband and stepfather, commiserate with your tragic dilemma, agree you have no choice but to leave your treacherously ageing wife and grant our blessing on your secretary-related plans you'll probably be waiting a while.

OP why did you not have a child with your wife when you had the opportunity? I had DS with my MUCH younger DH when I was 41. Did the thought not occur to you 7 years ago?

Let me clarify as you took the "you knew what you signed up for" statement to suite your own agenda; I meant that she knew it was likely she would end up alone one day for longer than most of her peers.

It's also a late 30's crisis. You would have probably still gone through it if you had married a person of your own age and had a huge mortgage and 3 kids.

OP......
Firstly, don't resent the fact that you have spent a lot of money on your SD, just because your feelings have changed for her mum. You married an older woman with a child, you knew the deal, and paying money for your SD is what you signed up for. So please try and keep a bond going with your SD, and if that isn't as much financial support as up to now, then keep seeing her and be an active part of her life. You've been there for her up to now, so don't just drop her.

Secondly, yes you've had your head turned. Pay your wife the respect she deserves by not cheating on her, and that doesn't just mean don't sleep with the head turner, it means don't have an emotional affair with her.

Thirdly, tell your wife that it's over. Be honest, be open, answer her questions. Take the brunt of the fallout, own it. Don't blame her for possibly being old before her time. She is what she is.

Treat her with kindness and never badmouth her to your SD.

There is no easy way. My ex had his head turned, had an affair which he repeatedly denied. He was cold, detached and downright cruel, and refused to answer any questions. Don't be like that. His treatment of me was harder to get over than the OW.

Good luck

Jamie I can totally get the feeling of life passing you by. Incidentally I felt the same but we appear to have been in reverse...I'd had my children and felt I wanted to do more for myself.

Some of this I do feel is age related. Hard to explain if you haven't experienced it.

I think it's quite telling though that the person in your interest also has a troubled marriage. Do you feel like you might be in rescuer mode here? Do you feel more justified when perhaps you both talk about how unhappy your respective marriages are? I think that you're in very dangerous territory to be honest. It's easy to find problems in your relationship when you have someone that you're having a laugh with which you can't share with your wife. An intimacy develops between the two of you which excludes your wife.

I don't think you're being totally honest with yourself about why you are no longer happy with your wife. Can you nolonger see the things that attracted to her in the first place?

I agree I would much rather my husband were honest with me than betrayed my trust. For what it's worth though happiness has to come from you, before you do anything please look and see if it's the relationship that makes you unhappy or whether it's simply you, that you feel unfulfilled. i.e. how will you feel when your wife gets a new partner etc...

ah ha ! & there we have it.

Jeez give the guy a break! His relationship has run it's course and his outlook on life has changed in ten years. Big bloody deal. He sounds like he has been committed and a decent step dad. End the relationship cleanly and fairly and let life happen to you. That may or may not include a baby or a Porsche but hey, no-one ever knows what's round the corner.

It looks like you have made your choice. So why ask on here about it?

The feeling of our life passing you by will be the same when you are on Your own.
You might have more money (maybe, spreading the cost of running a house between two people does make it much cheaper). You might be able to chose to spend that money on YOU But it's not going to make you happy.
Happiness is to be found within, not in things.

The more you post, the more it looks like you have already distanced yourself, stopped loving your DW (love is a VERB not a noun) and are now looking for reasons as to why it is like this.

Dame I agree it is slightly depressing. I'M the same age as OP yet if my lovely dh left me I'd probably be looking at an older man whereas he'd be looking at much younger women.

It's impossible to complete with a nice neat 25 year old when you're pushing 40...which we all know but we don't need our faces rubbing in it

Desmond yes it might just have run it course.
Or this guy is telling himself stories and will not be any happier when he has left. And he might well deeply regret that decision.
(See the experince shayred by another poster).

The issue for me is about asking questions so he can take a decision with his eyes fully open rather than dreaming of a baby and a Porsche

Are you sure you are not my ex husband under a pseudonym lol.
Sounds a lot like my own recent breakup.
In the end the 11 year age gap was too much for us, he wants to go to nighclubs and go out every weekend and I don't, I am tired enough with work and doing all the stuff I have to do. Also I have been through the menopause and don't feel the same about sex any more.
Unfortunately my ex decided to just leave without any warning after an argument and it was utterly devastating, I did feel like ending it all and had a fight on my hands to stop myself, the suddeness and awful way it was done ripped my heart out.
It's important to give her lots of warning, to organise the ending together and make sure it runs as smoothly as possibly before you go and that the finances are organised.
Don't just leave as that is hugely unfair. Make sure you talk to each other and keep it friendly.
It sounds to me like it's over, we separated 5 years ago but I fought for my marriage and we decided to give it another go but it was never the same after that and I really resented him for the pain he put me through so we ploughed on for another 5 wasted years and split up this year horribly, don't make that mistake.
I can't talk to him right now as I don't like him anymore and think he is unbelievably selfish for just leaving and leaving me behind to sort out all the shit alone while he has the time of his life with younger women and holidays and I feel angry.
He was not a good stepfather to my son, lazy and uncaring so at least you don't have that to feel bad about - talk to DD also and hopefully you will all stay supportive friends to each other.
I wouldn't date a younger man again not ever, he was feckless and selfish. Not all young men are obviously but it left a bad taste.
I'll be looking for someone my own age or older at some point, I don't think big age gaps really work.

OP. You have my sympathy. I'm 34 and my DP is 46. I work, study (Hopefully starting Phd next year. I'll graduate at 39 and then hopefully be a doc for a good 25yrs before retirement) I think of future holidays, academic experiences and feel the need to explore the world ect. My DP is 'settled'. He goes to work. He sits on the sofa. I have been where you are, and still am to some respect. It's horrendous to 'love' a person and at the same time feel a life enriched without them and to doubt being 'In Love'. To question daily ''Is this it?''. I get it.
What I do know. Is marriage/relationships are hard. Do not make a rash decision.

GildedCage but how many women want a man ten years older?

The OP wants a woman not just his own age but a decade (ish) younger. Do men get what they want? I am internet dating and all of my relationships have been short and with men 3 - 4 years older. Is this where I've been going wrong? Is the only way to be 'valued' to date down (older than you'd like). Sorry if I sound as crass as the OP. I'm just trying to figure out how not to waste months of my time, over and over again.

I was chatting to a man on OK cupid recently but he was 50 and wanted kids so I bailed. It doesn't matter whether his chances of success there are low or high, he'd have an eye out behind my shoulder for a woman of child bearing age because he's no kids himself. or worse, is that a red herring. Do all men feel that ageing is something that happens only to women. Ageing is a woman's issue. At 50 they can still date 40 year olds. At 60 they can date 50 year olds.

Why do we women tolerate this. We have the power to put our foot down to this shit.

I'd never date a man significantly older than me and I never have so I don't feel I'm contributing to the problem.

Genuine questions btw. Can men do this? get a woman of 30 when they're 40 (and so on)

My exh had an affair with a colleague 20 years younger than him and 22 years younger than me. She wanted a mature, reliable man. They now have a child. I think it is much easier for men to date much younger women. My ex is not rich so it wasn't the money that was attractive,

Dame Mine did! Fell head over heels at barely 17 (he was 28) Still together now and i'm 34, 2 DC'S and a mortgage and a SHIT load of life experience later. I'm like the youngest/oldest maid ever! Not plain sailing. But what long term relationship is?

Dame I'm 33 and my partner is 53 why does that sound strange to you?

For the record he was not in a relationship when I met him.

Erm maybe because this WHOLE thread has been started based on the relationship breaking down the op claims because of an age gap of around a decade, making it unworkable because they seem to want different things out of life...

Therefore posting 'oh my and my dh are really happy!' Is completely irrelevant and stupid because the op does not feel happy in an age gap relationship, because of the age gap and it wouldn't be advisable for him to get into another one

For goodness sake, get a divorce if you are unhappy in your marriage. But do it for the right reasons and in a way that preserves her dignity.

Tell her that you have fallen out of love and are unhappy. That is ok, that is enough.

Don't keep telling yourself that it is because you deserve a younger woman, because you deserve compensation for having supported your stepdaughter, because you will find a younger woman who will give you children. If that is what you say to yourself, then some of that internal narrative will spill into the way you break the news to her. You are not happy in your marriage. That is all you need to tell either of them.

However, if you have been a father figure in your stepdaughter's life since she was little, then it would be cruel to withdraw emotionally now. You chose to come into her life when you were quite old enough to know what that would mean to a child; that is a different kind of commitment to the commitment between equals that was your marriage to your wife.

Yes, a little sunshine

Depressingly it conforms with men's expectation/entitlement to a younger woman. They can get one, and several years in, several dc in, the woman will defend the relationship. Flip it over and a man only 10 years older than his wife acts as though he's been saddled with some old goat and he feels resentful and wants to escape.

it is truly depressing. What encourages men to believe that it is worth their while to leave their wives and try their luck with significantly younger women? They must be relatively confident that they'll be successful.