Advice on leaving your wife (Mr popular is here!)

[jamie000]

I know this will not make me popular but I have a very odd request, which is for advice on how someone in a relationship would prefer it to end. My DW and I have been on a rocky road for at least 2 years. We have had counselling but that made things worse as we began to realise we wanted different things. But we do have a very strong bond and we're pretty good parents to one DD so we've stuck things out. In between bad times we have had great times too as we've both made an effort to make things work, but now I feel we're at another crossroads. Our DD is leaving school. To be clear, she is my step-D and I have been a good step dad. The problem is my DW is older than me (48) and although this wasn't an issue 10 years ago it sadly is now. She talks about retirement, menopause, and things that I didn't expect to have to deal with for many years. I've come to think that actually I may want kids of my own, I'm not that old, my peers are still getting married and starting families and I seem to have aged prematurely. I feel like I should be thinking about kids and the future (my career is still growing) but my life is with someone who is planning retirement and slowing down at work. On top of that she has been very critical of me of late: too much work, not enough time at home, etc. Once a week (mid week) I go to the pub and stay untill about 10. I think that is reasonable but she is lonely and wishes I took her out more. But when we do go out I really don't think we have that much in common any more (it used to be DD that drew us together) and it pains me, as she is dear to me. Basically I think I love her but not in love with her. We have spoken about splitting up before but we've decided to 1) give it another go and 2) we shouldn't do that while DD is doing gcses. I want to go but I don't know if that is just an escape route instead on knuckling down, or if I just need to put more effort in, as she would probably say. Also, I wonder if I am going through my own kind of mid-life blip as I keep thinking about 30 something women and having kids etc... which was never on my radar 5 years ago. I'm confused. I need a slap in the face and some thought provoking comments.

portia That's both weird and grim. Mine was also JJ....

Can we get this thread moved to Classics??

Ha ha ha!

I dated a JJ. He was in the RAF and my uni friends called him Biggles and sang the Dambusters theme every time they saw him. It didn't end well.

Oh God there's no hope with Js
My new date is a C

vanilla. !

I have never dated a j, jj, Jamie or Jess but there is a first time for everything!

Put the headless mackerel on ice Jamie, your luck might be in!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

portia. I'm only going for A's from now on!

offred. Us Jesses (Jessies? are worth checking out...

at put the headless mackerel on ice

That being said, however old you happen to be, I'm confused by you not having previously thought through the fact that a woman of 48 will be experiencing menopause symptoms and planning towards retirement. confused It makes you look either a bit dim, or rather cruel, so I wouldn't tell her those reasons if you want to maintain a good parenting relationship for your step-DD.

This.

And for the record, 48 is not "old."

to explain, when we got together I was about 27 and her about 38 and youthful, love blinded any thoughts of ‘but what will happen in 14 years’ time’

Now I'm judging you. How banal, you're now in your early 40s and want a younger model. Men need to get over themselves. She's well rid.

Jess Anthonys are arseholes

portia. Maybe B's then (Co Op Ben )

custard. I agree. Doubt the OP will be back, though....

Jess Because my date is Chris he's referred to as BIG a la SATC

"There is a lot of talk on here about how absolutely awful new parenthood is. Why do you bloomin well bother then ?"

Because parenthood is about more than the first 3 or 4 years, obviously. (Also, it's really hard to put them back once you have them.)

You missed out on those very early years with your DSD, so perhaps you don't realise how brutal they can be on a relationship. If the new relationship you're contemplating embarking on is anything less than rock solid, it may quickly get into serious trouble.

This is something you should think hard about, as someone who is considering trading a relationship that was (presumably) founded on love and mutual desire to spend your lives together, for one where a driving factor is that your partner can produce children and is keen to do so quickly.

The problem with picking a partner based mostly on their firmness of skin, distance from menopause and desire for children, is that those attributes can cloud the fact that at a deep level, you may not be intellectually or emotionally suited as a couple. You think you've fallen in love, but really you've found someone who ticks some time-sensitive criteria and your subscious will very quickly translate this into something more rationally palatable.

This can be a problem for you, but possibly more importantly, it can be a problem for your younger partner. Women tend to become stronger-minded as they age. After you emerge from the haze of the early years (which may take half a decade or more depending on how many children you have), you may both find yourself staring at the other person and wondering who the hell they are and what you have in common. There will be a lot of work to do to keep that relationship alive.

Since you find yourself at a point where the love you felt on the day you married your wife is not enough to push you through the challenges of confronting the natural changes of aging and (possible) regret for missed chances, then I ask you to ask yourself if a mutual desire for children is likely to be enough to make a second partnership last with someone who will, frankly, have more options available to her than you will.

Firstly-your wife is not ageing faster than you. That would be biologically impossible. You are ageing at the same rate.
Secondly-I don't consider it normal for men to automatically fancy younger women. Yes it is sadly regarded as normal but I would consider that to be a reflection of the way women are generally viewed by society. Any intelligent man with any kind of taste would fancy, well anyone really regardless of age. Perhaps personality might be a better indicator of desireability.
Thirdly- perhaps you could address the points made by several pps about this mismatch between your stated desires for stuff and time for yourself and simultaneously for children because the two do not fit.

I haven't read the thread. I think you have to get absolutely clear of what you want in your head, then be absolutely honest with her and reasonable. Don't mess her about. Make it quick and smooth.
From your point of view, you feel you want different things out of life and are still young enough to go for it.
From her point of view, she's being forced to start again at an age she was feeling settled. So the sooner she can make a start, the better (imo)
Many of my friends are around her age and are busy, vibrant women. It is not old at all. But you feel how you feel. Be kind, be caring and be decent.

vanilla I know a JJ in the RAF- never heard him hum the dambusters theme tune though. Did this one drive a lotus Elise?

God, The Script comes up, time after time. Almost as predictable as the cliched mid life crisis, Porsche, secretary and all. I'm wondering if the OP is considering hair transplants, or Grecian 2000 for men? Bet he's started to work out at the gym.

vanilla

pinkiponk MY JJ (because I'm proprietal about him now) drove an MG and kept saying "Good thinking, Batman"..... is he the same one?

Datun or shitting and pissing on him. Parenthood is not glamorous at all.

Particularly when your sweet step daughter turns into a stroppy cow...

Just saying.

vanilla. At least we don't share the same JJ. Mine doesn't do 'thinking'.

Jamie..... Jamie...... where ARE you? Are you like Jamie Dorman (a good dad) or Jamie Vardy (a good add and even better step-dad)?????

Jamie Cullen (short)?
Jamie Corden (not quite so fat as he used to be)?

Now that lovely Jamie's been kind enough to let us have a little insight into his real character, I think it's highly likely that his poor wife has realised what a massive twat he is - hence the arguing. She's probably using the menopause as an excuse not to sleep with him, hence the lusting after the secretary.