Advice on leaving your wife (Mr popular is here!)

[jamie000]

I know this will not make me popular but I have a very odd request, which is for advice on how someone in a relationship would prefer it to end. My DW and I have been on a rocky road for at least 2 years. We have had counselling but that made things worse as we began to realise we wanted different things. But we do have a very strong bond and we're pretty good parents to one DD so we've stuck things out. In between bad times we have had great times too as we've both made an effort to make things work, but now I feel we're at another crossroads. Our DD is leaving school. To be clear, she is my step-D and I have been a good step dad. The problem is my DW is older than me (48) and although this wasn't an issue 10 years ago it sadly is now. She talks about retirement, menopause, and things that I didn't expect to have to deal with for many years. I've come to think that actually I may want kids of my own, I'm not that old, my peers are still getting married and starting families and I seem to have aged prematurely. I feel like I should be thinking about kids and the future (my career is still growing) but my life is with someone who is planning retirement and slowing down at work. On top of that she has been very critical of me of late: too much work, not enough time at home, etc. Once a week (mid week) I go to the pub and stay untill about 10. I think that is reasonable but she is lonely and wishes I took her out more. But when we do go out I really don't think we have that much in common any more (it used to be DD that drew us together) and it pains me, as she is dear to me. Basically I think I love her but not in love with her. We have spoken about splitting up before but we've decided to 1) give it another go and 2) we shouldn't do that while DD is doing gcses. I want to go but I don't know if that is just an escape route instead on knuckling down, or if I just need to put more effort in, as she would probably say. Also, I wonder if I am going through my own kind of mid-life blip as I keep thinking about 30 something women and having kids etc... which was never on my radar 5 years ago. I'm confused. I need a slap in the face and some thought provoking comments.

I was totally surprised that the first few pages of replies were quite objective actually.

God, you are a smug, sexist creep, aren't you, and thoroughly enjoying being the centre of your own all-enveloping midlife crisis? Women as friendly ducks, hissing geese and piranhas, and you as the beleaguered hero fighting your way through to self-fulfilment against the forces of the status quo?

Puh-lease.

Actually, it's possible to tell an awful lot about you from what you write and how you write it, and the reason we don't know anything about your wife is that all your posts have been about your own Interior Drama. She appears to barely figure in your world-view apart from as an aging harpy who is shrivelling your balls by talking about the menopause when you want to shag twentysomethings.

You're really neither as complex nor as unique as you appear to believe.

Ah - he showed his "real face" I see. Well that didnt take too long

Having become an unwilling 'expert' on infidelity I have lost count of the number of WH I've read about who reach middle age or thereabouts and then decide they'e been such hard-working, exemplary marital martyrs that they now deserve something 'just for them'. Unfortunately something 'just for them' usually means another woman - often younger.

Couldn't they just take up golf, or model-making FFS!

Oh and BTW I'd bet my left leg that OW's women isn't really such a prick as all that. It's really quite amazing how many OW are married to pricks - otherwise of course they wouldn't be getting too close to another man would they

Dear Wife,

It pains me to say this (as I'm a deeply sensitive and thoughtful individual), but while I still love you, I'm not 'in love' with you any more. in other words, don't fuck off with someone else just yet because I need an emotional safety net

While I am still committed to you and DD, I feel the need to explore other avenues in my life like sticking my dick in my secretary's 'avenue'

I'm terribly confused right now so will possibly keep telling you I love you, while pursuing OW

I never wanted to hurt you, but I feel as though we want different things from life watching you grow older is a reminder that I'm no longer young and it scares the crap out of me

I'll always be here for you or rather, hope that you'll always be here for me
'Love', Jamie

@Offred “Finding 28 year old 'more attractive' than people your own age IMO is a sign of a superficial man given to objectifying women.”

You haven’t worked out this is in all men’s genes at all ages?

@TheLegendOfBeans Good point

@ARumWithAView "It's strangely satisfying when someone sounds vaguely twattish at first post, gets more and more twattish with each update/justification/clarification, and then finally leaves on a giant flouncy flashing parade float of consummate twattery. God -- give me the out-and-out bastard, any day. Nothing worse than a gobshite who is both determined to behave exactly as he wants AND get credit for being a nice, selfless, confused guy (right up until you disagree with this, and then it's fuck all you loony piranha bitches)."

That made me laugh out loud and spill my tea. Brilliant! (I’m honestly not a twat, but fair play, I may indeed sound like one lol). Interesting theory. I have always wondered what the attraction of the real bastards was. Hmmm.

@ ItShouldHaveBeenJess Thu 03-Nov-16 14:31:33
“Self-indulgent man child preoccupied with his secretary, rather than working on what's 'wrong' with his marriage.
Asks for 'thought-provoking ' comments but only wants to hear the opinions of posters encouraging him to leave his wife.”

No, again, you only read one half of what I say. I clearly stated that I welcomed both the ducks AND the geese and any thoughts on me being selfish with that. I really don’t mind being told I am a selfish twat as long as you are not making stuff up, and saying that I only wanted approval/sympathy is making stuff up. You are a piranha and I am not going to answer your toothy drivel.

@ TheLegendOfBeans Thu 03-Nov-16 14:32:18
“jamie at no point did I say you were seeking sympathy; my post shows that I clearly understand your intention was to canvas opinion.
Respectfully - read the posts carefully before you reply lest this thread descend into a BS slanging match which I'm sure won't help anyone.”

I said “Fair enough” to your point and stated the other point as a generalisation, not aimed at you – apologies if that was not clear

VanillaSugarCandyCanes Thu 03-Nov-16 14:33:26
Definitely firing blanks.

Let’s end it there… you know, by Keeping it classy lmao

I feel the need to explore other avenues in my life like sticking my dick in my secretary's 'avenue'

Snort. That does sound rather -- roomy...

It just sounds so shallow & unthought.
Starting with, You realise this is all about your dick. in reality you are only thinking about the sex.
So what about the advantages of intelligence & learning as you age.?
& the comfort & money you will have now, once the SD is at uni, whatever, you are free to travel, spend money on yourselves, while your counterparts are having nightmare sleepless nights & adolescents from hell. possible divorces & all sorts of immature shit.
How do you know your future younger chosen floozy will not get bored of you as you age yourself & go off with someone her own age ? because you're not into clubbing.
Are you going to be happy if you end up alone, old & paying child maintenance & seeing the child/ren every other Weekend...
Did you know, that you don't always get what you want? that sometimes you make choices that lead to paths that you never intended.

also, in response to the question about your own kids with your Wife, wouldn't it be mature to reply, "I wasn't ready/she didn't want any/I had health problems/I was building my career. ? .. no one expected your Doctor's notes.

It's such a cliche. And the cliche does affect the way that society sees marriages such as yours. It's unfair, but it does. And the older women are always the ones treated badly because of the way older women are viewed.

You are going to be one yourself.

Yes, Sunshine.
You might wanna really try and see things from the 'dumped because she had the sheer cheek to get older' woman's point of view.

Because, just like death and taxes, you will get older. It will come round sooner than you think.

You are a piranha and I'm not going to answer your toothy drivel

Fair enough. There's a 'report button'. I eagerly await my suspension email from MNHQ

In the meantime, do the right thing and leave. Your wife deserves better.

I’m honestly not a twat

Ha you just don't stop

It does seem to rile some people that I may find 28 y/os more attractive than 48 y/os but I'm sure that is quite normal for a bloke of my age. But I think becasue I am feeling low this normal distraction has become overbearing. I'm not going to comment any more but in a few weeks time I may update this post as to what happened.

You must come back in a few years time and update us.

The older woman you dumped will be at an age where she will likely have more freedom - freedom to go off traveling and will be living a carefree life, whereas you will no doubt be up to your eyeballs in shitty nappies and a million other things that will tie you down - Living the dream

If we pretend to agree that you're not a twat will you please promise to leave the poor woman?

Name change in the OP's honour.

Because he's absolutely not a twat and deserves happiness and a fresh start.

He don't deserve her does he there are plenty of men out there who will kiss the ground she walks on. She is 48 years old she's still young enough to find someone new. If my partner felt like about me would it be worth sticking around for what.

The ultimate irony will be when you & your new wife separate & she brings up your children with her new replacement partner, & the DC love him more because he is actually a nice person.
The full circle

And yet another man posts seeking advice from The Wimmin. He expects to be "castigated" obviously but only in a certain, gentle "womanly" kind of way, cushioned with understanding and a certain "oh actually you're different, so sensitive and self aware" maybe a few earnest personal messages and phone numbers perhaps

These men always seem so affronted and surprised when the gloves come off don't they? when they find themselves in one of the few spaces they don't get their arses kissed.

I'm honestly not a twat

People who say 'I'm a nice person' are generally not that nice in my experience. Nice people don't have to tell people they are nice.

@ScrubbedPine "God, you are a smug, sexist creep, aren't you, and thoroughly enjoying being the centre of your own all-enveloping midlife crisis? Women as friendly ducks, hissing geese and piranhas.... "

Ducks, geese and piranhas can all be male. Ducks tend to be friendly and inquisitive, geese tend to be unfriendly and inquisitive and piranhas just want your flesh. No sexism intended.

@IrianOfW "Unfortunately something 'just for them' usually means another woman - often younger.
Couldn't they just take up golf, or model-making FFS!"

That's what I'm afraid of tbh. If I was a woman and my man ended up building models in the attic, I'd be looking for an affair.

Oh dear...

Mansplaining and BS now!!

Ha ha ha! Ah well... People who choose to justify their misogyny and superficial approach to love very often end up unfulfilled and lonely even when they are 'with' someone.

I just hope you will consider the effects of your choices and the bullshit evo-psych excuses you use to justify them on other people.

If this thread is anything to go by there is little to no hope of that really since you have consistently tried to gaslight posters calling you out and deflect the focus of questions by being patronising, dismissive and aggressive.

In conclusion, choose to be this person if you like. Try not to abuse women (and their children) in the process.

FFS OP - why didn't you quit while you were slightly ahead? Take the advice from the first few pages. Leave your DW - she can do a million times better I'm sure. Try to be kind when you do it if thats possible you smug fool

Good luck with having babies with secretary

"That's what I'm afraid of tbh. If I was a woman and my man ended up building models in the attic, I'd be looking for an affair."

Well that assumes the woman in question is also incapable to entertaining herself with something that she likes. And that does not include an affair.

whereas you will no doubt be up to your eyeballs in shitty nappies and a million other things that will tie you down - Living the dream grin

Nah, not this kind of man. He won't contribute to the work in a meaningful sense. He has been there with his SDD remember and has clearly stated his view about that kind of sacrifice made for another person.

His new wife will be up to her eyes in shit, he'played be naval gazing about how unhappy he is that she is not fun and sexy anymore and how terribly bad he feels for wanting to leave.

Can't believe this thread is still going!

I've nothing constructive to add

Don't wanna burst your bubble any further OP, but being with a younger OW doesn't necessarily = more sex.
A lot of women find their libido increases as they age.
Plus they're more confident as they get older and know what they want.