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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice on leaving your wife (Mr popular is here!)

528 replies

jamie000 · 02/11/2016 10:55

I know this will not make me popular but I have a very odd request, which is for advice on how someone in a relationship would prefer it to end. My DW and I have been on a rocky road for at least 2 years. We have had counselling but that made things worse as we began to realise we wanted different things. But we do have a very strong bond and we're pretty good parents to one DD so we've stuck things out. In between bad times we have had great times too as we've both made an effort to make things work, but now I feel we're at another crossroads. Our DD is leaving school. To be clear, she is my step-D and I have been a good step dad. The problem is my DW is older than me (48) and although this wasn't an issue 10 years ago it sadly is now. She talks about retirement, menopause, and things that I didn't expect to have to deal with for many years. I've come to think that actually I may want kids of my own, I'm not that old, my peers are still getting married and starting families and I seem to have aged prematurely. I feel like I should be thinking about kids and the future (my career is still growing) but my life is with someone who is planning retirement and slowing down at work. On top of that she has been very critical of me of late: too much work, not enough time at home, etc. Once a week (mid week) I go to the pub and stay untill about 10. I think that is reasonable but she is lonely and wishes I took her out more. But when we do go out I really don't think we have that much in common any more (it used to be DD that drew us together) and it pains me, as she is dear to me. Basically I think I love her but not in love with her. We have spoken about splitting up before but we've decided to 1) give it another go and 2) we shouldn't do that while DD is doing gcses. I want to go but I don't know if that is just an escape route instead on knuckling down, or if I just need to put more effort in, as she would probably say. Also, I wonder if I am going through my own kind of mid-life blip as I keep thinking about 30 something women and having kids etc... which was never on my radar 5 years ago. I'm confused. I need a slap in the face and some thought provoking comments.

OP posts:
VanillaSugarCandyCanes · 03/11/2016 14:20

WHY DIDN'T YOU HAVE CHILDREN WITH YOUR CURRENT WIFE WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE??????

VanillaSugarCandyCanes · 03/11/2016 14:22

And don't tell Jess to mind her own business. She asked a perfectly valid question which you are refusing to answer.

You posted details on Mumsnet therefore it is now our business.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 03/11/2016 14:24

Mind your own business

You're aware you are posting about your 'business' on a public forum?

VanillaSugarCandyCanes · 03/11/2016 14:25

Jess I think he's 🔫🔫 blanks.

Manumission · 03/11/2016 14:26

Gosh, the mask hasn't so much slipped as combusted Grin

jamie000 · 03/11/2016 14:26

@TheLegendOfBeans Fair enough, but one last point: my first reply was "I thought I’d get a good castigating from all the female posters for appearing to be callous (and I’m not sure that would be undeserved either, I just wanted some opinions) so I cannot be accused of wanting sympathy/approval, that's a misleading lie.

OP posts:
VanillaSugarCandyCanes · 03/11/2016 14:29

Why didn't you have a child with your wife.

ARumWithAView · 03/11/2016 14:29

It's strangely satisfying when someone sounds vaguely twattish at first post, gets more and more twattish with each update/justification/clarification, and then finally leaves on a giant flouncy flashing parade float of consummate twattery.

God -- give me the out-and-out bastard, any day. Nothing worse than a gobshite who is both determined to behave exactly as he wants AND get credit for being a nice, selfless, confused guy (right up until you disagree with this, and then it's fuck all you loony piranha bitches).

VanillaSugarCandyCanes · 03/11/2016 14:30

Why didn't you have a child with your wife?

redmumbec · 03/11/2016 14:30

Ha ha, your change in tone is quite staggering. Just because most of us are not swooning and indulging you in this romanticised idea that you should leave your wife because you are so entitled to peruse your own happiness, despite it being based on your own selfish needs, fuck everyone else. Gosh you are such an intresing, deep, tortured soul. Yeah we don't know what your wife's like, I would actually love to hear what she has to say about you. I bet she thinks your a right idiot. Sorry I think you need to get counselling asap.

Manumission · 03/11/2016 14:30

A misleading lie, eh? Smile

VanillaSugarCandyCanes · 03/11/2016 14:30

Why didn't you have a child with your wife?

jamie000 · 03/11/2016 14:31

1 why won't the OP answer our intimate questions!
2 why won't the OP just fuck off and not come back!
3 goto 1
The thread is dead, it was very enlightening and to all the people who took the time to complete an assessment of my predicament and share their own, both positive and negative: thank you. And to all piranhas: Goodbye!

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 03/11/2016 14:31

Ha, vanilla cross post!

My thoughts:

Self-indulgent man child preoccupied with his secretary, rather than working on what's 'wrong' with his marriage.

Asks for 'thought-provoking ' comments but only wants to hear the opinions of posters encouraging him to leave his wife.

Is only concerned with his feelings and his needs, not those of his wife and daughter (yep, you don't get to ditch the 'daughter' title after raising her for over a decade)

Blames wife for 'getting old'.

Good luck, jamie, I imagine you'll meet a wonderful woman who is attracted to your many positive character traits. In the mean time, I'll wind my neck in and never share an opinion on a public forum again wow, just saw a porcine creature zoom past the window

VanillaSugarCandyCanes · 03/11/2016 14:31

Why didn't you have a child with your wife?

TheLegendOfBeans · 03/11/2016 14:32

jamie at no point did I say you were seeking sympathy; my post shows that I clearly understand your intention was to canvas opinion.

Respectfully - read the posts carefully before you reply lest this thread descend into a BS slanging match which I'm sure won't help anyone.

Manumission · 03/11/2016 14:32

It's strangely satisfying when someone sounds vaguely twattish at first post, gets more and more twattish with each update/justification/clarification, and then finally leaves on a giant flouncy flashing parade float of consummate twattery.

It IS, isn't it?

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 03/11/2016 14:33

PS: change of heart here - please leave your wife. She'll be so much happier without you.

VanillaSugarCandyCanes · 03/11/2016 14:33

Definitely firing blanks.

Arfarfanarf · 03/11/2016 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Manumission · 03/11/2016 14:33

jamie you keep coming back poppet Wink

ITCouldBeWorse · 03/11/2016 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VanillaSugarCandyCanes · 03/11/2016 14:35

Lol at Jess - yes, she'll become a right glamour puss and start a beautiful relationship with one of her daughter's friends' divorced Dads!

VanillaSugarCandyCanes · 03/11/2016 14:39

I wonder how much he'll love his biological child when it is sick in his mouth?

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 03/11/2016 14:40

vanilla. Flashes my piranha grin in your direction.

Maybe next time post on a more male-orientated site. I believe FFJ is full of intelligent and reasonable men offering advice in your predicament. Some really sensible stuff there, and they never blame their partners, either.