Finances in 2nd relationships

[Kirsty67]

My partner and I are both mid 50's and have been together 5 years.
We both have 1 child each and both had previous long term relationships - both were over before we met.
Im still in full time employment but my partner is retired after 30 years in the police and has now gone into self employed part time consultancty work.
As time has gone on I have sold my home to move in with him and now contribute £500 per mth towards his (£360 per mth) mortgage and utilities. I also am the main contributor to holidays etc although he contributes towards spending money.
Last year he drew up a will leaving everything to his son. This will consists of a very large amount of money and the house.The executor of the will is his ex partner (the mother of his son) which I didn't agree with as they dont get on at the best of times, she has control until the son reaches 25 in 7 years time.

I have asked my partner to put a caviat in the will to say I will not be thrown out of our home should anything happen to him as this is now my home, all my furniture has now replaced much of his and I am contributing £500 towards the mortgage etc.
To cut a long story short he has said that his ex wont throw me out and he's not changing the will as Im not entitled to his money.
I explained I dont want money as I work and have my own savings but at my age I need security of knowing should anything happen to him (he's 57) that for a short term period I can stay in our home and certainly be allowed to remove all the furniture and my personal belongings.
Im too old to be taking on a mortgage in my own right should anything happen and it scares me.
I dont know his ex partner that well and I believe her interest will be for her son and not me.

Is anyone in a similar position or has this happened to anyone else?

Kirsty, I feel so much for you in your circumstances - it's not easy to esteem your own worth when you have survived an abusive marriage. I would reinforce what the others have said- if your "partner" had any real feelings for you, he would not be putting you in this difficult and uncertain position. You are entitled to security and knowledge that you will be safe, whatever vicissitudes life throws at you. Frankly, I wouldn't want to be committed to someone who appears to have no real love and concern for your future. Do you believe that the relationship has any future? You MUST buy yourself somewhere to live a.s.a.p. - rent it out, and consider whether you would be better to move out and live separately. Can you talk frankly with your daughter about your assets (which are ultimately hers)? Would she provide the emotional support you need to see a financial adviser and talk this through together? Good luck, and I hope that you can see that you are worth more than you seem to believe. x

My ex partner was also police and sounds very much like your partner . The police work work work with their pension in mind , they are very well advised and their lump sum is all they think about . He too wanted to live with me and pay a tiny amount yet had lovely cars and his children went without nothing .
I finished with him as it was holy unfair !
He's now doing the same to another woman !
Police are well advised and very savvy !

You are 52 with a good deposit and a full time permanent job. This man has let you down. Please take action. Nationwide do mortgages till 70. You might not want or need one till then but please seriously consider putting your funds back into a home that you can go to if you want to and something to leave your lovely daughter.

Please take steps to protect yourself. This man does not have your best interests at heart. You have a deposit and could get a mortgage on a house, somewhere that you would actually want to live. This guy is taking you for a mug and you are letting him.

He's using you. Run away now whilst you can still get a mortgage, the longer this continues, the worse it will get.

I didn't know there was so much support out there...Thankyou all.
Im going to call my bank today and make enquiries as to what I can borrow on a mortgage....
With the £500 I contribute to the house and the money I pay out for all the treats x 2, I know it will be cheaper to live alone. Im financially worse off living with him and its took a while to realise it.....
Im unhappy and worried and it all keeps whizzing around my head....
My daughter is amazing and we are the best of friends, but after her having to go through how her dad was with us both I dont want her to worry about me again. She doesnt like my partner anyway, she saw something she didnt like in him a long time ago but is always civil to him for me.

I'll keep you all posted after my mortgage appointment....Thankyou again.x

Best of luck

You can do this Op! Protect yourself.

I've used price comparison websites to find my last 3 mortgages then either approached the companies directly to talk it through, or used a financial advisor to do the legwork of the application (even though they've not come up with a better deal) because their finders fee payable by the mortgage company made it cost neutral to me.

Do independant financial advisors have to come to your home though?

Could you have a meeting in a quiet public space, or find one that has an office, or works from a desk at an estate agents etc, near your place of work.

I agree with Karma, that you should keep your plans quiet for now, and use the time to get your shit together.

Pleased to see your update Kirsty. Sad that you're having to take these steps but I think in the long run it is the absolute best thing you can do to secure your long term financial situation. It may give him a kick up the bum when he knows you're looking into things but having your own mortgage - at 52 - is a good idea

PS - your daughter doesn't like him ... your parents think he is taking advantage of you Are you sure you want to be with him forever more?

I've found one who has an office...Im booked in for next week.
I think once I have taken control of my finances I will feel in a better position.

"Our home" has been transformed since I moved in...Everyone comments on the change....
In reality all I've done is transform it and add to its value for my partner and his son...as its clearly not my home if he isnt prepared to protect me in the event of the unthinkable...
Ah well....its about to change.

Glad to see you're taking steps to take back control.

I have to say though how do you get to the age of 50 without realised a set up like this leaves you in an extremely vulnerable position financially?!

Realising*

because the conversations leading up to this sounded valid and positive....if you read some of the previous threads you would see the intention was to sell mine, then his, then buy together....Since Ive moved in he has changed the plans....I honestly didn't think I was being irresponsible at the time MidsummerNight.

I think you have been duped OP, you clearly wouldn't have agreed to any of this if he had been upfront about it at the start, but well done for realising the precarious financial position he has put you in.

Kirsty have a look at the expert mortgage calculator (Also there is lots of other useful stuff on that site on finances..)

You can then see what you may be able to afford and look at Rightmove for examples of what is availiable in your area..

(btw i think you should seriously consider finishing it , he really doesnt seem to care much for you. Im my 2nd relationship (we are married though) everything is split 50 50 and we pay into household bills equally. We both have older children and anything thats left after we have finished spending as much as we can going around the world! will go to them equally, It doesnt matter which of us goes first , we have it agreed in will that the other will see to it that it does )

I hope you have the strength to step away from him. Or at the very least buy a place, rent it out and remove all of the sofas, lights etc from your current home and put them in your new place. That will sharpen everyone's view.

There's never been a 'we' it's always been 'him' and for whatever reason you went along with it. Actions speak louder than words and had you not discovered his will, you'd still be going along with it. Your DD got the measure of this man a long time ago.

His selfishness is staggering. You cover his entire mortgage and bills and he won't even put a clause in to protect you from getting kicked out on the streets if he dies. He changes his mind about what you agreed about starting afresh in a new place, expecting you to meekly go along with it. As it stands at the moment you have no long term security and I'd be very worried about that. It sounds like you feel you've made a mistake in selling up and moving in on his terms. Don't compound the mistake by letting this drag on. Please take action to protect yourself and your future.

Im so pleased you have taken a level headed approach to this, I hope it goes well for you x

Good Morning Everyone.
I just wanted to say thankyou again for all your input and support.
I contacted Which?mortgages yesterday and they were brilliant,they put me in touch with 3 reputable local financial advisors and by this morning I had all my finances checked and mortgage quotes have already been received.
I feel so much stronger and confidant already knowing I have options.
Thankyou.x