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Original poster

Finances in 2nd relationships

160 replies

Kirsty67 · 01/11/2016 11:58

My partner and I are both mid 50's and have been together 5 years.
We both have 1 child each and both had previous long term relationships - both were over before we met.
Im still in full time employment but my partner is retired after 30 years in the police and has now gone into self employed part time consultancty work.
As time has gone on I have sold my home to move in with him and now contribute £500 per mth towards his (£360 per mth) mortgage and utilities. I also am the main contributor to holidays etc although he contributes towards spending money.
Last year he drew up a will leaving everything to his son. This will consists of a very large amount of money and the house.The executor of the will is his ex partner (the mother of his son) which I didn't agree with as they dont get on at the best of times, she has control until the son reaches 25 in 7 years time.

I have asked my partner to put a caviat in the will to say I will not be thrown out of our home should anything happen to him as this is now my home, all my furniture has now replaced much of his and I am contributing £500 towards the mortgage etc.
To cut a long story short he has said that his ex wont throw me out and he's not changing the will as Im not entitled to his money.
I explained I dont want money as I work and have my own savings but at my age I need security of knowing should anything happen to him (he's 57) that for a short term period I can stay in our home and certainly be allowed to remove all the furniture and my personal belongings.
Im too old to be taking on a mortgage in my own right should anything happen and it scares me.
I dont know his ex partner that well and I believe her interest will be for her son and not me.

Is anyone in a similar position or has this happened to anyone else?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kirsty67 · 01/11/2016 16:29

Im 52 and work full time....The equity in my house sale was all I took after 23 years in a very abusive marriage so I need to protect it as its my entire future..

Partner has double my house sale savings in his bank plus his pension plus his wages plus equity in his house...

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 01/11/2016 16:33

If you bought yourself a one bedroomed apartment in your town, OP, and put down all the equity from your previous house, would you need a mortgage? If so, how much are you talking about and how does that relate to your income?

You can't compare your money to your partner's.

Ilikegin · 01/11/2016 16:33

i think you need to have a serious chat with him as at the moment you are in a very poor situation should anything happen! Do you love him and want to be with him? Do you think he loves you? Or are you just convenient for him?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/11/2016 16:43

Just to scare him a little bit for being a prick I'd mention that since you've been paying his whole monthly mortgage payments you have an interest in the house.

Alwayschanging1 · 01/11/2016 16:53

You can still get a mortgage for 13 - 15 years.
Take back control of your life please.

You know you are not a priority for him.

doji · 01/11/2016 16:56

I'd do two things 1)stop paying him 500£ a month. Give him half the money for bills and no more. 2) work out what you could buy with your savings. You may be able to get a 15year (or shorter) mortgage so it would be paid off before you retire, or alternatively look at buy to let and rent it out to cover the mortgage, with a view to moving in when needed (if you split/he dies). Put the money you're no longer paying on his mortgage towards it.

If he doesn't agree to 1) dump the selfish bastard and buy your own place anyway. It may cost you more than currently, but at least you'll have security.

Somerville · 01/11/2016 17:03

You can try persuading him. I don't think he's set this situation up blindly like you have though. I think he knows it leaves you in a precarious situation and doesn't care. You have less money than him yet are subsiding his lifestyle and holidays (and mortgage).

AcrossthePond55 · 01/11/2016 17:08

When my aunt remarried (all children grown) it was 'hers to hers' and 'his to his'. They had two houses (both paid for), each maintained their own house, and they pretty much lived 6 mos a year in each. Once he sold his house he banked the money (they both agreed to this), they split the household costs 50/50 in Aunty's home, including repairs and 'upgrades' and she added a 'life tenancy' to her will providing that he could stay in the house as long as he wanted providing he paid the bills and did all necessary upkeep.

First, sit down quietly with pencil and paper and figure if you'd be better off changing the way you and he do things. Look at not just what you contribute to the household and holidays, but groceries, days out, car expenses, child-related expenses, gifts, the whole picture. If you find that you are paying more than half the total expenditures then I'd say you need to have a sit down with your partner and tell him that you will no longer be paying the lion's share of the home expenses and holidays and will no longer be contributing to his mortgage as you will need to build your savings up for a home for yourself and your child in the event he pre-deceases you since he does not intend to legally provide you with some sort of legal security that you won't be thrown out on your ear. And I'm sorry, but you also need to be thinking about what would happen to you if he decides to end your relationship. You'd have bloody fuck all to help you get reestablished if your savings isn't enough to qualify you for a mortgage.

Tell him that you are happy to pay a pro-rata share of the utilities, council tax and non-mortgage related monthly expenses and split holiday costs 50/50. But that since you aren't building equity in his home, you don't feel you should contribute to something you will get nothing out of. But don't be surprised if he gets pissy and even threatens to end your relationship over this.

If I were to become single again (I'm a tad older than you) hell would freeze over before I'd give up my own home OR allow a man to sell his and move in.

Original poster
Kirsty67 · 01/11/2016 17:14

His own Dad once told me "he" was selfish and never understood how to handle money...
Im learning the hard way that he was right...and Im very good at burying my head in the sand....

Im going to have the conversation with him this week....I just need to grow up and stand up for myself.

OP posts:
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 01/11/2016 17:17

I posted on here because my parents are worried that he is taking advantage of me
Mumsnet posters are now worried about this too and we can't all be wrong can we.

From what you've described your property prospects are eroding every month as you subsidize his lifestyle.

You've had some good advice on here and you need to start sorting your life out now regardless of how uncomfortable it might feel to you to broach the topics.

Ask him bluntly, eye to eye, if something happened to him what does he envisage would happen to you?

Oblomov16 · 01/11/2016 17:20

This is too awful for words. Why you sold your house is a mystery. And why you are staying with this man who shows you no respect is utterly baffling.

GeorgeTheThird · 01/11/2016 17:28

Why on earth did you sell your own house rather than rent it out?

You're right you have no security here. You need a life interest in the house. But even if he gives you that he can change his mind and his Will at a later date.

ImperialBlether · 01/11/2016 17:33

Frankly, OP, I don't think it'll make a difference if you do have a word with him. He doesn't want to leave you anything. His Will is private and even if you watched him write one leaving you the right to stay there after his death, there'd be nothing to stop him writing a different one the day after.

kittybiscuits · 01/11/2016 17:36

I don't think there's a great deal to discuss given that he has purposely put you in this situation. I would get some mortgage advice and look at what I could afford to buy. I would stop contributing financially, without discussing and then move out, taking my furniture. This is not someone who has any interest in your well-being. You have one parachute here. Get your ducks in a row and use it to save yourself from this using bastard.

AyeAmarok · 01/11/2016 18:03

Tell him that you're no longer going to contribute to the mortgage. You'll pay half of the bills, that's it.

That's fair.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/11/2016 18:12

He has told you by word and deed what he thinks of you. He has basically seen you as someone to look after him.

Would not even pay half of the bills now. You need as much money as you can to move out, taking your items with you.

You've managed to get out of one abusive relationship; you can extricate yourself from this poor example of a relationship as well. I would also look at enrolling yourself onto Womens Aid Freedom Programme going forward as this is for those who have been in abusive relationships.

NapQueen · 01/11/2016 18:13

He has made this simple for you now. "DP as the house is not nor will it ever be even partially mine I am no longer contributing to the mortgage. I need to financially protect myself. You have chosen this"

Cary2012 · 01/11/2016 18:46

Move out and be independent of him.

If you decide to stay in a relationship with him, then that's up to you.

Let him run his own home on his own, and you run yours.

He sounds very selfish.

Original poster
Kirsty67 · 01/11/2016 19:17

In reply to a few of the questions...
He has suggested we buy a house together but only wants to move to a nicer area of town , he refuses to move out of this town as he wants to be close to his golf and cricket club mates...I have stood firm on this and said I will never do that...I told him at our age we need to be looking at something mutual and a home in a place we want to spend the rest of our lives together. I have no wish to move round the corner just so he can be closer to his golf and cricket clubs.

His finanial advisor apparantly advised him not to bother paying his mortgage off just yet so at the moment all his money is still in the bank

My money is in the bank and I had thought it would be used to contribute towards a home together but his terms keep changing and now the simple truth is( as I said before ) he wants us to move to a bigger house on a road he loves around the corner closer to his golf and cricket clubs.
I am not from this town. I moved about 15 miles to move in with him and previous discussions centered around us moving to a particular town 5 miles away from here so we could start a new life/adventure together, but now my house has sold he's changed the game rules.

Thankyou so much for all your valid input, suggestions and support.
I needed reassurance and will now face up to what needs to be a tough conversation.

OP posts:
Montane50 · 01/11/2016 19:36

I work for a mortgage company, we would do a buy to let mortgage until the age of 85. You should be protecting the money from your equity for your and dc future. Maybe by buying a property to rent out.
On a separate note? My dp moved into my house which has no mortgage on it, but we split all bills 50%, ive also written into my will that should i die he has 5 years in the house before its then given to my dcs-it gives him long enough to retire and collect his lump sum + pension, and lets my kids have their rightful inheritance.
This man is treating you badly op and id personally be getting out asap.

Kazplus2 · 01/11/2016 19:44

Just as a starter you really need to raise the £500 a month you pay and ask.him what exactly this is paying for and how you are benefitting from your house sale (as he clearly is). You should retain receipts for everything you buy just in case. Would you want a share of the house you live in, I.e. pay him a lump sum from your house sale in consideration of a share in the property. Above all else, stop paying more than your fair share for anything else!!! You need to be more ruthless, he is clearly focused on looking after himself and his son, you have to take responsibility for looking after you!

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 01/11/2016 19:45

He is deluded if he thinks his Will would stand up in a court case. You would have good grounds for a dependency claim. Not of course any comfort, but the law offers some protection. You do need to protect yourself, as a minimum a life tenancy. Go now or go when he drops dead, either way might not be easy, but sooner is usually better.

You would be able to get a mortgage I expect, full time work, deposit, less than 70. It's all about affordability.

Good luck OP, I hope the miserly cunt sees sense.

Original poster
Kirsty67 · 01/11/2016 19:48

All I wanted was exactly what you have agreed with your dp, but he went mad.
I sold my home at his persuasion to move in here permenantly. I gave up the security of my own home and now he says he wont put a clause in his will to protect me for a short period of time even though my £500 covers his mortgage and still leaves £150 towards my share of ctax and utilities.

Im going to approach the subject one more time. If he gives me the same reaction the £500 will stop immediately and I'll look to see what I can borrow on a mortgage for myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kirsty67 · 01/11/2016 19:51

Im basically paying rent to live here aren't I?
How stupid have I been?

OP posts:
Funko · 01/11/2016 19:51

Can I ask how you contribute?
Is it a bank transfer into his account? If so I suggest you mark your transfers as 'mortgage' payment from now on as a paper trail....