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Original poster

Finances in 2nd relationships

160 replies

Kirsty67 · 01/11/2016 11:58

My partner and I are both mid 50's and have been together 5 years.
We both have 1 child each and both had previous long term relationships - both were over before we met.
Im still in full time employment but my partner is retired after 30 years in the police and has now gone into self employed part time consultancty work.
As time has gone on I have sold my home to move in with him and now contribute £500 per mth towards his (£360 per mth) mortgage and utilities. I also am the main contributor to holidays etc although he contributes towards spending money.
Last year he drew up a will leaving everything to his son. This will consists of a very large amount of money and the house.The executor of the will is his ex partner (the mother of his son) which I didn't agree with as they dont get on at the best of times, she has control until the son reaches 25 in 7 years time.

I have asked my partner to put a caviat in the will to say I will not be thrown out of our home should anything happen to him as this is now my home, all my furniture has now replaced much of his and I am contributing £500 towards the mortgage etc.
To cut a long story short he has said that his ex wont throw me out and he's not changing the will as Im not entitled to his money.
I explained I dont want money as I work and have my own savings but at my age I need security of knowing should anything happen to him (he's 57) that for a short term period I can stay in our home and certainly be allowed to remove all the furniture and my personal belongings.
Im too old to be taking on a mortgage in my own right should anything happen and it scares me.
I dont know his ex partner that well and I believe her interest will be for her son and not me.

Is anyone in a similar position or has this happened to anyone else?

OP posts:
Apachepony · 01/11/2016 14:26

What happened to the money from the sale of your house? I hope you have ring fenced it?

RedMapleLeaf · 01/11/2016 14:39

The issues you want to discuss are not controversial OP there's no need to feel scared or apologetic about raising any of these points. Indeed, he should have your happiness and safety at heart too.

Ginslinger · 01/11/2016 14:43

it sounds as if you are paying far more than half the running costs of the house and living expenses - don't let him bully you Flowers

Original poster
Kirsty67 · 01/11/2016 15:27

The money from my sale is in my own account...Its less than half of what my partner has in his..I need to protect it best I can.
My salary is only slightly more than his pension plus he is now self employed earning more pro rata than he did full time...and of course I now contribute to his mortgage and social life.
I need to toughen up. 😔
I posted on here because my parents are worried that he is taking advantage of me and I needed to share it with someone other than my close girlfriends....They dont know all this...I keep some things quiet...

OP posts:
JuddNelsoninTheBreakfastClub · 01/11/2016 15:31

Hindsight is a great thing. He has plenty of money in the bank but won't pay for you for a night out or a holiday? Sounds like you moving in was extremely convenient for him financially. He did not "forget " about the large cheque as you know. Sorry what had to endure from your ex. Hope things improve for you x

ImperialBlether · 01/11/2016 15:34

You need to leave him.

This man is using you. You're paying way, way over the odds and paying more than your share for holidays, too. How on earth did you agree to that?

He doesn't care for you. He might like you, but he doesn't consider you to be a partner.

Leave and get yourself somewhere to live, even a one bedroom flat, that's yours and no-one else's. You're at an age where you need to make sure of your own future.

BigEmpty · 01/11/2016 15:45

I had this happen to me a few years back. I moved in with a guy who always said he'd put my name of the deeds once I was working full time (as he told me the mortgage company wouldn't have it any other way). Once I was working I was paying 50% of the mortgage yet he still put me off saying it was a waste of money "messing with the mortgage" etc and that I should just trust him as he had changed his life insurance to have me as the beneficiary. To cut long story short, months later we were arguing again about the house and my rights etc and he said he didn't want to have the house in joint names as that would leave his kids with nothing if he died. I said "but this is my HOME which I am PAyING for ... it would make more sense to have the kids as the insurance beneficiaries and let me have joint rights over OUR home. He said "that life insurance isn't worth anything!"

Ah - isn't it now? And this was the same life insurance that was going to see me right in the event of his death was it?

Never let anyone con you out of your rights or your money, NEVER.

And never trust anyone that says "just trust me"

goadyfuckersgetmygoat · 01/11/2016 15:48

I think your too old for this bullshit.

Am glad to hear you have the money in your account. In most cases families can notice when things don't add up. From what you have posted they definitely sense it.

What he has done is moved you in to substitute his living expenses. He has more, yet you are paying more than what you should.

Has he suggested what you should do with your money at all? I would be interested to know? I bet it's a long the lines of something that would benefit him.

hermione2016 · 01/11/2016 15:51

Do you have enough money to buy a house? Perhaps rent it out whilst you live with you partner.

It's important you get your own security as I really don't think a relationship flourishes if there is such imbalance.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/11/2016 15:52

y parents are worried that he is taking advantage of me
And they are absolutely right to be worried.
He is massively taking advantage.
Take your savings, get yourself a nice little place and settle down on your own away this money grabbing dickhead!
Seriously!
He's a knob and he's using you.

RUN FOR THE HILLS
THEY ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

goadyfuckersgetmygoat · 01/11/2016 15:55

I think you should buy another house too. If you don't and you do decide to stay with him, he will get you to spend the money. While his is in savings.

TheField65 · 01/11/2016 15:59

I think you should use the money from the sale of your house to buy another house/flat somewhere. If you then feel you wish to continue living with this man, you could rent out your place. At least then, you have something to live in should you require it.

Just having the money from the sale of your house in your bank account isn't going to help you with a roof over your head in the future, because house prices are going up more than your savings are.

I lived with someone once who used my savings as a deposit for his house, and then charged me rent to live there, and always discouraged me when I suggested buying a small house myself to rent out (I realise this was possibly because he was afraid I would leave him if I had somewhere else to go) and because I was too frightened of rocking the boat, I did not buy somewhere myself. When we eventually did split up, I had nothing except I managed to get back the money I'd lent him as the deposit. Of course, house prices had more than doubled in the 5 years I lived in that house, so the house I eventually managed to buy for myself was a very small one, while he lived it up in the lovely family-sized detached!! I always wish I had just said "I am going to do this, and sod what you think".

Original poster
Kirsty67 · 01/11/2016 16:00

This "home" he wanted me to share isnt my home at all is it....As I keep saying, financially of course it's his....But if he keels over tmrw I haven't got a home have I?

Its my day off today and Im sat in "our" lounge on the suite that came from my house, looking at the two new light fittings that I bought last Saturday with my cup of tea on one of the 3 coffee/ lamp tables I brought with me, which in turn is stood on the £200 rug I bought .....

All of which goes straight to his son via his ex partner according to his will.

I really do need to sort it don't I.....If only so I can stay here for a period of time in the event of the unexpected and to be allowed to remove all that's mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kirsty67 · 01/11/2016 16:02

At my age Im going to struggle to get a good mortgage deal too...What a mess.

OP posts:
Zebra999 · 01/11/2016 16:02

I am sorry you are in this situation

Maybe an ultimatum to him will help. Sometimes people stick their heads in the sand with money.

There is absolutely no way you can rely on his ex to do right by you.

well done for ring fencing the sale from your house. Now tell him you need to have security for your future and if he can't give it to you, you will need to leave.

TheField65 · 01/11/2016 16:09

Could you buy somewhere where you don't need a mortgage? Buy it outright? I don't know where you live currently, but for example, if you lived in the south, you might be able to buy something small further north to rent out? I know a couple who live in the South East and also own a small house near Whitby which they rent out. Bedfordshire and the East Midlands are reasonably priced? Parts of Somerset?

ImperialBlether · 01/11/2016 16:13

OP, why are you buying things for the house but assuming his son will inherit them? If you bought the sofa and his son booted you out, surely you'd take your sofa with you?

Talk us through your finances. How old are you, what deposit would you have and how much do you earn? Sorry to be personal but it's anonymous on here. I think you know that the way things are now isn't working for you.

loobyloo1234 · 01/11/2016 16:14

You'd be surprised OP. It depends how much you have in savings? I think you are being taken advantage of though Flowers You need security. And if your parents think he is taking advantage, they are probably right as they are the one's closest to you. Good on them for being honest with you

sweetstemcauli · 01/11/2016 16:19

OP, to amuse yourself if you feel like investigating, I think you might find some interesting information on a police retirement pensions website (varies according to the force he was with) about percentage of final salary that your partner may be taking in retirement. Did he retire at 50, and does he have a pension-sharing arrangement with his ex ordered by the court following his divorce? That will likely be 50/50. Those things will have a bearing, but he will still very easily be able to service his small current mortgage, the chancer.

As pp have said, if your name is not on the deeds you should certainly not be paying towards any mortgage, it's a flipping cheek to ask you, and IIWM I would ask for the payments you have made back. If he won't pay and is self employed the threat of a CCJ will go down like a lead balloon.

IIWY I would be booking Pickford's and taking my nice furniture elsewhere. He saw you coming and you've been stitched up, or had over as a copper I know likes to say.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/11/2016 16:20

How old are you OP?
I got a good mortgage deal back in March and I was 47.
You'd be surprised.
It really does depend on how much you have to put down as a deposit.
But this is not OK.
What he is doing and suggesting is not OK.

MariposaUno · 01/11/2016 16:21

I'm not clued up on mortgages but could you mortgage a place with a view to renting it out? That way you have a nest for when things go pear shape?

He is definitely using using you.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/11/2016 16:25

Move out and take your stuff with you. Flowers

Bluntness100 · 01/11/2016 16:25

What did you do with the money from the sale of uour house please? This seems to be not mentioned. You're living in his house and contributing fair enough, but you had sold your own house ..?

ImperialBlether · 01/11/2016 16:27

Why has he still got a mortgage if he's got such a lot of money in the bank?

Yourarejokingme · 01/11/2016 16:27

Oh and things you have bought are not his sons on his death as long as you have receipts they are yours outright.

I'd be looking into buying another house for security.
He is using you and I'd either talk this through or leave your choice of course but don't be quiet over it. Speak up and ask why?

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