Finances in 2nd relationships

[Kirsty67]

My partner and I are both mid 50's and have been together 5 years.
We both have 1 child each and both had previous long term relationships - both were over before we met.
Im still in full time employment but my partner is retired after 30 years in the police and has now gone into self employed part time consultancty work.
As time has gone on I have sold my home to move in with him and now contribute £500 per mth towards his (£360 per mth) mortgage and utilities. I also am the main contributor to holidays etc although he contributes towards spending money.
Last year he drew up a will leaving everything to his son. This will consists of a very large amount of money and the house.The executor of the will is his ex partner (the mother of his son) which I didn't agree with as they dont get on at the best of times, she has control until the son reaches 25 in 7 years time.

I have asked my partner to put a caviat in the will to say I will not be thrown out of our home should anything happen to him as this is now my home, all my furniture has now replaced much of his and I am contributing £500 towards the mortgage etc.
To cut a long story short he has said that his ex wont throw me out and he's not changing the will as Im not entitled to his money.
I explained I dont want money as I work and have my own savings but at my age I need security of knowing should anything happen to him (he's 57) that for a short term period I can stay in our home and certainly be allowed to remove all the furniture and my personal belongings.
Im too old to be taking on a mortgage in my own right should anything happen and it scares me.
I dont know his ex partner that well and I believe her interest will be for her son and not me.

Is anyone in a similar position or has this happened to anyone else?

Yes...bank transfer.

As I said before, OP, he can promise whatever you ask, but in the end he could change his Will without you knowing - imagine how tough that would be in 20 years' time?

You need your own security. You might be able to buy a BTL property which you rent out while you live with him, though I still wouldn't be giving him £500 per month rent. I think he's really selfish, tbh, and doesn't have your best interests at heart.

don't feel stupid OP, you're smart enough to have seen this now. Believe me I've seen a lot worse (and an awful lot better too mind) and at least you're not on here asking for advice because you're being told to leave as your partner has died and your home is being sold out from under you.

Yep, you're paying rent to live there, in a property where the mortgage is less than the rent you pay. Your partner is profiting from you being there.

Horrible person.

It feels like a smack in the face now Ive just realised that my money is paying his mortgage....If we added mortgage,ctax,water,gas and electric up it does not equate to £1000.
I should only be contributing towards the utilities and ctax shouldn't I..Not a mortgage that only he and his son benefit from.

I'm glad you've woken up.

One thing to be aware of is that even if he does change his will to protect your interests for a period after he passes away, he can change the will again the following week and you'd be none the wiser

You need to be on the deeds and register your interests properly. So don't take an assurance by him to change his will as being what you need to protect yourself.

The money side of things is bad enough ..... you are basically " keeping " him..... but who does the domestic side of things ? Cooking , shopping , cleaning etc. ? He basically has a live in housekeeper that pays him ! Oh , and presumably sex on tap and a friend / companion whenever he's not watching cricket or playing golf ?
If you like / love him you can still continue the relationship from a home if your own. None of the " grunt " work of a live in relationship but all of the fun/ pleasure.
He's selfish alright. Clever too.

To be fair in his defense , because he's semi retired ( and I work such long days) and his works from his office at home he does lots of the home jobs...
Believe me though is is very fond of bringing it up. He mentioned something quite sarcy in front of my mum the other day and she pulled him up on it telling him my job helped contribute to a better standard of living.

Before this transfer I worked quite close to home so I did lots more than I manage to do now.
I work 50 miles away from home and am out of the house for 12.5 hours per day every day including the commute.

It sounds like you didn't think this situation through at all before you sold your own home and moved in with him. There's no point in sitting there feeling hard done by, you could easily find yourself homeless in the future if you don't take action now, and it doesn't seem like your dp is going to be making changes any time soon to accommodate you, why should he? He had himself and his kids completely sorted, at your expense!

So where you're living now isn't convenient at all, is it? You do 100 mile round trip every day?

I know....I need to take control. He's happy with life the way it is...All he wants now is the nicer house with my input, but not the commitment of moving on to a new adventure somewhere new together.

I did think it through before I sold, I really did , but he has conveniantly changed his mind.
My job btw is for a national company and I wont be working so far away permenantly.

You definitely are not stupid-far from it! You're taking charge having been duped. I bet he likes life right now-nicer house, cheap living, and you're out of the house a huge amount of time-hes got a good number x

If you are in UK you can look on Right Move or Zoopla and see how much it is to buy or rent a property
You can look at Air BnB too
This will give you some idea of prices

I too suspect that you have been paying too much monthly to your partner (rent, bills and other expenses )

It seems he is treating you like a tenant, rather than a partner
However, if you are not married, I dont think you will have many rights to his property in the future

I also suggest that you buy your own property, even if it is small - soon

I suggest you find a financial adviser. I think you may find one at a bank or estate agent and they should offer you free advice or they should be able to suggest someone

When we got married dh made his Will leaving his house and his estate to me with a sum to each offspring, his and mine. I rented out my house. After two years I sold my house. Half of our investments are done jointly.

I told dh that this was the first time in my adult life that my name wasn't on property and I wasn't comfortable with this. He said immediately that I should contact solicitor and arrange to have my name put on the deeds. Which we did.

When I moved in prior to marriage I took over buying groceries, plus any little extras that I felt like getting. Dh continued to pay everything else. He has larger income than me. We also set up a joint account for occasions like larger house stuff, gifts, Christmas. I did not and do not contribute to this account and dh tops it up now and again. I am careful with this account and don't abuse it, would say to him if I'm withdrawing from it. Dh says I don't need to say to him.

I am very fortunate and would wish this for you OP. We are both now retired and dh was also in the same job so his pension etc is good.

It's all about trust and respect.

OP, I really hope you can sort things out and decide to get a small property with your savings, which could give you more financial security.

You don't need to find the perfect property, a small place in a reasonable area, at a price that by renting it you can pay the mortgage, is enough. That house will go up in value and certainly more than your savings, and provide an income for you even if you stay with this man.

I also wanted to say thank you. I just ended a relationship due to exactly the same problem, he wanted me to sell my house so it could pay half of the house he wanted in a location that I hated. No guarantees either as he needed to protect his assets for his son but couldn't understand I wanted to protect mine for mine.

It is painful, but I can see now what I have avoided. Having said that, we were together for 3 years and I'm only a couple of years younger than you, so although it may sound painful to end a relationship bear in mind that you have not been in this relationship for long enough to consider ruining the rest of your life making life easier for a man who doesn't care enough for you.

Currently you are being treated like a tenant (a generous one at that considering that you've practically furnished his place) with none of the rights of one. You've sleepwalked yourself into a vulnerable position and now is the time to speak to a financial advisor before you dig yourself in deeper.

This man is selfish and entitled and those character traits aren't going anywhere anytime soon. Addressing your needs isn't and probably never will be a priority to him but what's really depressing, is that addressing your needs weren't a priority for you either.

You have a voice and I suspect your inability to use it, coupled with his selfish entitlement, probably means that this isn't the only issue in your relationship that leads to inequality.

The last 2 replies really hit home. Thankyou so much.
It gives me reassurance that others have been in the same position and have had the courage to make the decision to sort it out.

I started to look back on my bank statements yesterday and the amount I have spent over the last few years on holidays and treats for us is unbelievable, to be contributing and in effect paying his mortgage is outrageous.
Ive also noticed that since he received his retirement lump sum and his payment from his parents estate, his bank statements are no longer in the usual place. He has a safe in the house so they must be in there now. Prior to that they were always in a certain cupboard, now I cant find anything recent anywhere at all.
I too have a daughter, she is my world. She's grown up and has her own life but I still need to protect some assetts for her, instead of lining my partners son's pockets.

good luck with it all. You really deserve much better than this - I hope that you manage to find somewhere nice to live. This is going to be a big wake-up call for him and he'll probably be difficult and may even make promises to try and stop you going but I think you have to be strong.

Agree with the other posters OP, his behaviour strikes me as unkind and not the way I would treat someone I was sharing my life with. Does he have any reason to be like this ?

"His bank statements are no longer in the usual place"

Ex and I had a few conversations about that... my point is that you cannot trust who cannot trust you.

I would probably make a very comprehensive financial plan to move out before I confront him. At the moment you don't have much negotiating power as he knows you have no house to move to or a way to leave him, and he seems quite a selfish bully if he thinks you can accept his ex wife taking care of protecting you if he dies.

Having said that, inspired by your thread, I have calculated how much better off I would be if he had moved in to my house with an arrangement similar to that one being suggested in here (paying 50% of the household bills, while I kept my mortgage and other expenses) and was surprised by the results:

£130 a month! That in exchange of putting all my assets into buying exBF's dream house and a life together (I would also loose a few thousand pounds in spousal maintenance, tax credits and child benefit income in the exchange of him paying, again, £130 a month!)

He is deluded if he thinks his Will would stand up in a court case. You would have good grounds for a dependency claim. Not of course any comfort, but the law offers some protection.

Really, when OP is earning her own income and living off that plus the proceeds of her house sale? I thought it was incredibly difficult to challenge a will as an unmarried partner and you had to be genuinely financially dependant.

OP I don't think talking to him is going to do much good, or focusing on his assets. By all means do it, but he's made his position clear so now you have to think about what you're going to do. Consider how best to invest the lump sum from the sale of your house. May or may not be property, you need professional advice. Properly, not a free half hour off someone. Pay for it. What would be an absolutely terrible idea is leaving the money in your bank account and just dissipating it. You've been unwise so far but that doesn't mean you can't turn it around.

He has a huge chip on his shoulder about his previous relationship breakdown and the fact he had to pay his ex partner out when she left.

Even now he thinks maintenance of £174 (which includes 50% of his sons mobile phone contract shared with his ex partner) per mth is excessive (his son is almost 18) and in education. She left when the son was 6...and I think maintenance was around £150 until the phone got added in and she also upped it by £10 when I came on the scene.
Ive never thought it excessive to be honest. He only used to stay with his dad twice a week anyway.
Anyway....we digress...
Thankyou.

But he was a police officer - surely he was earning enough money to pay more than that?

If he was on £35,000 he should have been giving her over £300 pm as long as his son didn't stay more than a couple of nights per week.

So, in addition to the rest of the points he harbours bitterness towards his ex more than a decade later and was probably underpaying child support over that time.

Just reading about him makes me feel depressed. As he becomes older you can expect he'll become meaner, and nastier, and more bitter. Why would you give this to yourself as a future?