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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Being groped in front of the children

145 replies

carrottop30 · 29/10/2016 21:51

I have reaptedly told my husband not to grope my breasts in front of our four year old daughter. Today whilst making lunch he tried to do it again and I told him not to do it in front of the children. He then cuddled me and did it anyway! I lost it big time, I have had things happen to me as a teenager so I think it was the fact I told him not to and he did it anyway that pushed me over the edge.

I took my daughter out this afternoon and came back at tea time, after she went to bed I told him I am disgusted with him as I had told him not to and then my daughter saw that he did it anyway - what does this teach our daughter about boundaries and respect?

He said I am over reacting, which didn't go down to well with me, he has now packed some stuff and left. I need to know if I am over reacting, are things that have happened to me in the past clouding my judgement.

As he left he starting muttering he made a mistake! I am not sure where he has gone so now I am worried.

I also have a son who is a baby and although he obviously doesn't know what is happening I want him to treat women with respect.

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 30/10/2016 13:05

"Not control himself"? Of course he can, he just doesn't think he should. That he has a right to his woman's body when and how he decides. Don't forget that this is not the first time he's done this. "I have repeatedly told my husband not to grope my breasts in front of our four year old daughter." These are the OP's own words in her first sentence.

Sexualised behaviour in front of young children is hugely damaging, and can escalate.

The OP's past experience has nothing to do with it. This not a decent man we are discussing here, he's fucking vile. And he knows it, which is why he's stomped off in a petulant huff to try and punish his poor wife for calling him out on it.

SiennaNealon · 30/10/2016 13:20

No means no. Unwanted groping is disgusting. I hope you are having a nice day with your DC. X

MariposaUno · 30/10/2016 13:34

Yarnbu I have flipped when my now ex did it when I was stuck in a dress, think arms over head and needing help to get it off and Instead he grabbed my boobs.

Your dp should be apologising and promise to respect your wished and your body especially in front of a child.

I totally agree that it isn't teaching your dd any good about boundaries.

MariposaUno · 30/10/2016 13:35

Sorry it's not aibu...you se completely right op.

Pisssssedofff · 30/10/2016 14:02

I'm not convinced it's hugely damaging, but the fact is she doesn't like it so that should be the end of the matter. My kids walked in on me and ex having sex at around that sort of age and they have mentioned they remember it, but more in a would give anything to see you and dad being happy together kind of way. I don't think the op should worry too much.
But he has to stop, in complete agreement there

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 30/10/2016 14:26

OP is not replying, I hope, because she's out having a lovely time with DC.

What Dworking said. Every word of it. OP is not being unreasonable. Having agency over our own bodies is not a little thing: it is a HUGE thing. It is at the core of everything. There is no Third World hunger, no nuclear proliferation, no Brexit shite that is more important than 51% of the world's population having the right to say what goes on with her own body.

Or, in this instance, enforcing that right and modelling good behaviour to the next generation.

Previous posters who are minimising the sexual assault are part of the problem. I sometimes want to weep because they show how much further we need to go.

In 2016. In fucking 2016 we still need to tell people this.

CthulhuInDisguise · 30/10/2016 14:35

I have shown this thread to my DH. He will frequently grope me if I'm bending over, but in a joking way. I haven't had occasion to tell him off as it has never happened in a situation I'm not comfortable with, so I was interested in his views on this. He was shocked that after saying no, your DH continued to grope you. I hadn't really thought about it, but he doesn't do it in front of our son and he says that would just be wrong at any age (although he sometimes kisses me in front of our son who just rolls his eyes). Not all men do this, OP. Hope things seem better this morning.

NameChange30 · 30/10/2016 15:57

Oh a man is shocked that he didn't stop after being told no. It must be wrong then

Never mind pages and pages of women saying the same thing!

Women who don't grope their partners, even as a "joke"

Pisssssedofff · 30/10/2016 16:00

CthulhuInDisguise - that's not what she said at all, you've got the wrong end of the stick

RepentAtLeisure · 30/10/2016 16:01

2016 is a year where a man who admits he has grabbed women 'by the pussy' because he has the power to get away with it will get millions of votes for him to become President of the United States. Things are just about as fucked as they ever were.

Original poster

carrottop30 · 30/10/2016 17:21

Thank you for all the replies and advice - he stayed at his mums, say's he has made a mistake, bought me flowers etc, which are currently in the car.

I have told him if it happens again he can leave, I talked to him about this in a mature way a month ago and explained it made DD feel uncomfortable.

I believe it is healthy for parents to cuddle, kiss and show affection but when it makes a child feel uncomfortable then there is something wrong. She was shocked and embarrassed for me and that's why I got so angry!

I have spent a long time becoming a strong and independent women, In fact when I meet my husband I was in my thirties with a good career, own home and at the time happy and not looking for a relationship.

I would like to think my daughter see's me in this way, as I am still all those things but how does it look when behind closed doors my husband does something I say no and he does it again totally ignoring me.

It was sexual and I really don't think my children need to see that, walking in us accidentally and seeing something is completely different to something happening to some one and them saying no.

I would hate to think my daughter and son think this is normal behaviour - it is not!

He said if our daughter wasn't there it wouldn't have been such a problem - I said it would because I told you not to do it.

There are things we need to discuss about my past especially as yesterday I told him something. The reason it has never been discussed is because when I met him it seemed so long ago, I was happy and I didn't think it was something I needed to tell him.

We have a loving relationship but certain things need to stay in the bedroom.

Thank you for putting everything in perspective.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 30/10/2016 17:31

Thanks for updating us, sounds as if you have made your position clear to him which is good.

One small thing I will say is that you said it was wrong because it made DD uncomfortable. Actually it was wrong because it made you uncomfortable. DD being there just makes it even worse.

Offred · 30/10/2016 17:45

I'm glad he has returned feeling sorry. Guess now it is just a wait and see thing really. Don't feel you need to talk to him about things that happened in the past. A therapist told me once I don't owe that info to anyone and if I was thinking about talking about it then I should be entirely selfish about it i.e. Only do it if I felt it would be helpful to me.

I also agree re the dd thing, it was bad because he did it to you and worse because your dd saw it.

RepentAtLeisure · 30/10/2016 18:58

He said if our daughter wasn't there it wouldn't have been such a problem - I said it would because I told you not to do it.

Honestly, it sounds like you're not out of the woods with this guy, but I hope he's finally realized that your body belongs to you and not him. Best of luck...

pklme · 30/10/2016 19:12

I think you did exactly the right thing, and I'm glad he is starting to listen. I think that many many men have grown up thinking it is ok, and don't understand the implications of what they are doing. When things are calmer, can you check he understands that:
He continued touching you when you asked him not to;
He showed his daughter that it's ok for men to touch her even when she doesn't want them to;
There is a difference between affectionate touching and sexualised touching?

Despite being a fully functioning grown up, he may have missed this.
You get driving lessons and a Highway Code to keep you on the straight and narrow when you drive. Sadly you get porn and generations of sexism teaching you how to have relationships.

IreallyKNOWiamright · 30/10/2016 19:19

You are not over reacting. just reply to his text and say ok. Have a nice weekend. Don't engage in anything. You are doing the right thing teaching your children right and wrong. He sounds like an idiot.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 31/10/2016 07:14

I have told him if it happens again he can leave, I talked to him about this in a mature way a month ago and explained it made DD feel uncomfortable

I'm curious - How do you think you were "clearer" this time than a month ago?

And, back then, was this part of your discussion - I have told him if it happens again he can leave - I really hope I'm wrong in what your answer would be on that.

Mix56 · 31/10/2016 07:21

it is not a warm hug & kiss though is it. It is all about him,
Maybe ask him if he would have have liked you looming up slobbering & groping his balls in front of the children ?...

LumpySpacedPrincess · 31/10/2016 07:29

You have been really clear with him and this thread will remind you about how clear you have been. He needs to listen to you and do as you've asked. Really hope he does and you can move forward with clearer boundaries.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 31/10/2016 07:37

And RepentAtLeisure, yeah that was part of what's on my kind.

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