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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Being groped in front of the children

145 replies

carrottop30 · 29/10/2016 21:51

I have reaptedly told my husband not to grope my breasts in front of our four year old daughter. Today whilst making lunch he tried to do it again and I told him not to do it in front of the children. He then cuddled me and did it anyway! I lost it big time, I have had things happen to me as a teenager so I think it was the fact I told him not to and he did it anyway that pushed me over the edge.

I took my daughter out this afternoon and came back at tea time, after she went to bed I told him I am disgusted with him as I had told him not to and then my daughter saw that he did it anyway - what does this teach our daughter about boundaries and respect?

He said I am over reacting, which didn't go down to well with me, he has now packed some stuff and left. I need to know if I am over reacting, are things that have happened to me in the past clouding my judgement.

As he left he starting muttering he made a mistake! I am not sure where he has gone so now I am worried.

I also have a son who is a baby and although he obviously doesn't know what is happening I want him to treat women with respect.

OP posts:

Original poster

carrottop30 · 30/10/2016 09:18

I did ring him but he has his phone switched off.

I probably do need to speak to him about a few things but I am no prude and very affectionate.

What he did was not nice and he know's it that's why he has left.

The issue was I said please do not that in front of daughter very discreetly, he said he just wanted a cuddle and then did it anyway with my daughter watching.

I felt embrassed and humilated, this is not normal behaviour I never saw my dad do this to my mum as a child.

OP posts:

ocelot7 · 30/10/2016 09:18

Lemon that's a ridiculous extrapolation of what I said! Absolutely not what I think.

I think its sad that someone doesn't feel able to share this very significant information with their partner -presumably over several years together(?) Whether or not there has been an instance as described in the OP.

LyndaNotLinda · 30/10/2016 09:20

Christ, some women's minimising of other women's boundaries is scary.

And you're raising children. God help them.

No means no. The OP is absolutely right that it's important that her children see that her boundaries are respected.

Hope you have a lovely day out with the kids Carrottop and that your husband realises what an arse he's being ASAP

ocelot7 · 30/10/2016 09:25

Not all touching is groping! Myself & my partner might touch each other affectionately & very briefly in passing in the kitchen hours before it could be considered foreplay!
So people do things differently and that's fine. I equally prefer to live in my world. The important thing is to both be on the same page

Offred · 30/10/2016 09:26

One of the worst things to say to a woman who has experienced sexual abuse in the past is "you are overreacting because of what happened before"

The OP is entirely correct in everything she has done IMO. Women do not have to put up with being groped just because many men don't understand it is wrong. Women are entitled to say 'no, that is wrong and you will not do that to me' without being accused of being oversensitive and especially without being told they are oversensitive because they were abused before and should have asked for 'special' treatment because of now being a sensitive flower.

If you are one of the people who thinks that men groping women is not something to make a fuss about and women should not make a big deal about it I hope you will think a little bit about how you would feel if it was your daughter who was being groped.

AyeAmarok · 30/10/2016 09:27

Ignore the apologists OP.

You are right. He shouldn't have done it. And the only acceptable response from him today is I'm very sorry for being an arse.

shrieklesoda · 30/10/2016 09:29

Not all touching is groping but the OP specifically referred to groping and then some posters suggested that maybe it was 'just' touching. If it was just touching then I'd guess the OP would have described it as such. And even if it was 'just' touching she would still be well within her rights to say no to it. As an adult you don't so much as have to hold someone's hand if you don't want to.

NameChange30 · 30/10/2016 09:29

OP, I think you were right to react the way you did and I respect and admire you for doing so.

I'm sorry your partner is disrespecting your boundaries, I'm sorry others have done the same in the past, and I'm sorry for your recent bereavement

Here are some links you might find useful:
Signs of emotional abuse (I have a feeling your partner might do a few things on this list?)
NAPAC

Offred · 30/10/2016 09:30

I mean FFS it is her body! Who the fuck are you to tell her what kind of touching she should/shouldn't allow from another person?!

LemonSqueezy0 · 30/10/2016 09:45

ocelot7 that's why I asked you to clarify as I'm not sure you realised how you came across. You seem(ed) to be suggesting that if she had acted differently he might suddenly not be an entitled groper who doesn't understand No and boundaries. her saying No needs to be enough for him to bloody stop. No other subtleties such as questioning her past, how she's dealt with it, has she told him about it or what you and your husband do, come into it.

ocelot7 · 30/10/2016 10:07

We are all still just people on the internet and as such need to be cautious with regard to commenting too direcfively on others' lived experience.
Posting on MN implies being open to a range of comments. And posters can expect to see views different to their own. Then the OPcan decide what to take on board or not.

I still think its sad if the OP has never felt able to talk to her OH about something so significant in her life regardless of the incident mentioned ex in the OP & what that says about their closeness & communication.
Also sad re the comment what she never saw her parents doing which both reminds me that we are generally more demonstrative these days and that she was presumably(?) under their care when the abuse happened.

Joysmum · 30/10/2016 10:07

No means no ocelot.

You world is the same as anyone else's which is that when you choose to say no, that should be respected.

Fucking disgusting that you are judging the OP's boundaries and attributing them to her past rather than focusing on the fact that her DH can't take no for an answer.

Coconutty · 30/10/2016 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ocelot7 · 30/10/2016 10:15

joysmum I am not judging the OPs boundaries as I have tried to make clear. I have said several times that i think it sad she has never been able to talk about this to her OH in all the years they've been together. I have never said that she should accept something unacceptable to her.

Is there a way we can comment on MN without bullying each other?

Despite writing for a living I seem not to be able to make myself clear here. So I'm out.

NameChange30 · 30/10/2016 10:18

From the little we know about him, it seems unlikely that his reaction would be supportive if the OP did talk to him about past abuse.

I agree that in an ideal scenario you would be able to talk to your partner about something like that but the OP is also within her right not to if she doesn't feel comfortable doing so.

TurnipCake · 30/10/2016 10:20

There's no rule written in the relationship's constitution that a person has to disclose past assaults or abuse, it's a very personal decision and the decision not to shouldn't have a value judgement slapped on it. I know we live in a time where celebrities pour everything out to Piers Morgan or tweets according to the bowel movements of the Kardashians, but we all have things we don't disclose.

I told an ex about a past assault and it was a big mistake, he bought it up every time I tried to assert my boundaries as a negative against me.

It's moot anyway, "I don't want you touching me right now" should hold its own, rather than, "I don't want you touching me because it triggers a bad experience in my past" No means no.

NotYoda · 30/10/2016 10:24

I wonder why he felt he had to leave?

That, right there, is bloody immature. If he really understands he did something to deeply upset you. He can't admit it and relies on you having to call him.

Twat

KatieScarlett · 30/10/2016 10:25

You do not need an excuse or reason to expect compliance when you say no to unwanted touching. Not ever.

ocelot7 · 30/10/2016 10:29

People can of course decide what they want to disclose.

I would not want to be in a relationship with someone I felt unable to communicate this to.

This has nothing whatever to do with celebrity culture - which I abhor - but what a passive aggressive putdown! :)

I can see you had a bad experience with that ex Tcake & understandably it has informed yr view. The same way we are all commenting based on our accumulated -but different - life experiences. And commenting here in hope of being some use to the OP.

Gileswithachainsaw · 30/10/2016 10:33

Oh God my dp does this. He sees it as being affectionate.

I feel it's basically Pissing up my leg.

I don't want to he randomly groped and "humped" all the he time.

He's being very selfish now op making you worry about where he is and if he's coming home all to take the heat off the fact he was in the wrong and make you feel sorry for him.

TurnipCake · 30/10/2016 10:40

Erm, I wasn't using it as a putdown

I would not want to be in a relationship with someone I felt unable to communicate this to

But this has nothing to do with the OP's situation, it's just being used as another stick to beat the OP with. Victims of abuse hear all the bloody time that they were wrong; wearing the wrong things, reacting in the wrong way, or not being in the 'right' kind of relationship - because if she had disclosed it, he wouldn't have groped her, right?

If someone says no or stop from the outset, then it should stop there, regardless of their past experiences or not.

NameChange30 · 30/10/2016 10:48

YY turnip

ocelot7 · 30/10/2016 10:51

I think it IS part of the OPs situation. To carry this around & be unable to talk about it to the person you are closest to is tough. Yes this is only my perspective which you dismiss so easily. And based on having kept stuff to myself for far far too long.

It is not a stick to beat the OP with.

KatieScarlett · 30/10/2016 10:55

But she told him. She said no. How is that being unable to talk?
She said no.
He carried on regardless.
Is there some other word or phrase she should have used to make him stop? Because it seems pretty clear to me she communicated her wishes very clearly.

Forgetmenotblue · 30/10/2016 11:00

From the perspective of your DC... my father used to do this all the time to my mother. From a young age I found it disturbing and sickening. I still remember it now, and I could tell how much she hated it but put up with it (very violent and controlling man).

You are 100% right not to allow this in front of your children.

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