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Original poster

Being groped in front of the children

145 replies

carrottop30 · 29/10/2016 21:51

I have reaptedly told my husband not to grope my breasts in front of our four year old daughter. Today whilst making lunch he tried to do it again and I told him not to do it in front of the children. He then cuddled me and did it anyway! I lost it big time, I have had things happen to me as a teenager so I think it was the fact I told him not to and he did it anyway that pushed me over the edge.

I took my daughter out this afternoon and came back at tea time, after she went to bed I told him I am disgusted with him as I had told him not to and then my daughter saw that he did it anyway - what does this teach our daughter about boundaries and respect?

He said I am over reacting, which didn't go down to well with me, he has now packed some stuff and left. I need to know if I am over reacting, are things that have happened to me in the past clouding my judgement.

As he left he starting muttering he made a mistake! I am not sure where he has gone so now I am worried.

I also have a son who is a baby and although he obviously doesn't know what is happening I want him to treat women with respect.

OP posts:
Inertia · 29/10/2016 23:06

You are not over reacting. He was totally in the wrong.

It's really important that your daughter saw that women are allowed to get angry and stand up for their own bodily autonomy.

expatinscotland · 29/10/2016 23:06

'He has just texted me and said not coming back tonight because of the arguing.'

What arguing? There isn't any. NO means NO. To him, arguing means you not putting up with his groping after you've told him no. Repeatedly.

I wouldn't bother texting him back.

PlantpotPookins · 29/10/2016 23:06

No, what he did is inappropriate when he knows the children can see. My did this in front of me and other people at times. It made me feel sick to be honest. They did it from a young age and even when I was an older teenager and young adult. At its worst it is a form of child sexual abuse if the child is old enough to see and feel uncomfortable about it. Its not how children want to see their parents. He needs to understand that.

shrieklesoda · 29/10/2016 23:07

I'm suddenly wondering if booby cuddle and subsequent post were a wind up and I didn't get the 'joke' ? This place confuses me sometimes.

shrieklesoda · 29/10/2016 23:08

I didn't mean to bold booby cuddle. Blush

expatinscotland · 29/10/2016 23:09

I dumped men who did this immediately at the dating stage, because IME they don't stop.

Heebiejeebies77 · 29/10/2016 23:19

You absolutely did the right thing - as you've already pointed out, it's not just about your feelings but the kind of people you want your children to be, and without being melodramatic, the kind of world you want them to live in.

There are lots of women who just put up with this behaviour, because 'that's what men are like', and it doesn't make it any easier for the rest of us. I don't ever want my daughter to experience this male sense of entitlement and we need more parents of both genders, to challenge these attitudes where we find them, or it will never change.

Your strength is an asset - take your kids out, have a fantastic time. You seem like one hell of a woman to have come through the other side of something terrible and used it to become stronger.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 29/10/2016 23:22

You've done the right thing for yourself and your daughter, he needs to learn that no means no. Do you normally like being groped even if the children aren't there or is it just something which he likes?

Original poster
carrottop30 · 29/10/2016 23:41

Heebiejeebies77 - Thank you for your message x
Firsttimer 82- I was like you when my child was a year old, you wait until your child is four years old and then you might think very differently!

I have turned my phone off so he can't contact me, sent me another message feeling sorry for himself. Going to bed and having a nice day tomorrow with my children.

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 30/10/2016 00:10

I think you were seriously over reacting until you asked him not to

^ Really Gilly ? From how I read it, OP had asked him on previous occasions not to fondle her in a sexual manner in front of DCs. She requested, yet again^ that he not do it, which he ignored, and went in for another grope of OP's breasts. In front of DCs. Then you go on to suggest OP has "ishoos", for not going along with it. I would think that the person making sexual advances in front of DCs is the one with issues.

Sexual fondling isn't the same as showing affection. I find it shocking that you would think forced foreplay is a) OK when the woman says no and b) in front of DCs!

RubbishMantra · 30/10/2016 00:17

...italics fail. That's because I was Angry at your response Gilly*.

Surely you realise women have autonomy over their own body?

Good on you Carrot, for standing your ground, that this is not acceptable. Your body, your rules.

RubbishMantra · 30/10/2016 00:35

I mean where does it end? Him whipping his cock out and demanding a "winkie cuddle"?!

I'm still fuming on your behalf, that someone suggested you have ishoos Carrot. You don't. Normal adults don't want to do sexual stuff in front of DCs.

He doesn't call your breasts "fun-bags" does he?

chipmonkey · 30/10/2016 00:36

You were dead right, carrot.
IMO, groping breaststroke in front of a child is highly inappropriate even if if was the first time.
The fact that he did it after you asked him repeatedly not to makes it ten times worse.

chipmonkey · 30/10/2016 00:36

Breasts, not breaststroke!

Only1scoop · 30/10/2016 00:38
Grin
PoldarksBreeches · 30/10/2016 07:51

Men should know not to sexually touch their partners in front of children without being told
It's fairly basic

ScarletForYa · 30/10/2016 08:00

consensual booby cuddle

Jesus.

BastardGoDarkly · 30/10/2016 08:14

I hope you have a lovely day carrot you've done your young daughter a real service in showing her she can say no.

LemonSqueezy0 · 30/10/2016 08:14

You have not over reacted OP. At all

I must say though, it's not just because he did it in front of your 4yo DD.its right that you teach her that when you say no, and get ignored, it's the right thing to shout and draw attention to it/them . But He's in the wrong for doing it (when it's unwanted attebtion) regardless of if there are witnesses to his unacceptable behaviour or not... It's not just wrong because DD was there, is what I'm trying to say.

Has he sent more texts?

ocelot7 · 30/10/2016 08:48

I am sorry that you have not felt able to confide in yr DH re the things that happened to you in the past. So he couldn't know where yr reaction came from. Do you think you could talk to him about it (when things have calmed down) so that he understands where you are coming from?

There are many ways you might touch a partners breast - from brief caress & a shared look to full-on grope but everyone seems to have assumed the latter & the comments here seem to be fuelling the situation which is not helpful.

Also if there has been arguing that the OP didn't mention then he may have been trying to win you round by being affectionate - albeit in a clumsy way.

mummytime · 30/10/2016 08:56

Why don't some posters here get that NO means NO.

He may have been trying to be affectionate. But the moment he continued when he had been told not to he had broken consent.

Its obvious he and the OP weren't in some "game" where No might not mean No (in which case you have a safe word that definitely means NO).

I usually don't mind my hand being held - but if I have a cut on it, I would say no - and my DH wouldn't hold it.

Or from the cup of tea analogy, sometimes I don't want a cup of tea - my DH doesn't try and force on on me, regardless of the reason I have for saying I don't want one.

Iamdobby63 · 30/10/2016 09:03

OP you have done the right thing in putting your foot down. Bad enough to have a groping husband but to do it in front of the children is just gross.

Was he expecting to turn you on right there in front of the children or just turn himself on. 😣

TurnipCake · 30/10/2016 09:07

My ex would grope me repeatedly in public to show the world I was his property. No surprise beneath the surface he was a vile, entitled misogynist.

The fact your husband did this in front of your daughter is chilling.

Have a lovely day with your children, OP. Keep talking here if it helps

And whoever used the booby cuddle phase, have a word with yourself, seriously.

LemonSqueezy0 · 30/10/2016 09:09

ocelot7 someone doesn't have to have been abused in the past to have reason to say 'No, don't touch me' in the present day! Your comment sounds like because she hasn't explained her past abuse to her husband it's her own fault he abuses her now. Is that what you intended?

No means no. End of.

shrieklesoda · 30/10/2016 09:11

I have been with my husband since we were teenagers and we have always had a healthy sex life and I can honestly say he has never ever touched my breast, however briefly, unless we were already kissing or 'being intimate' in some way. Same as I don't stroke his crotch whilst he is walking past me, however 'affectionately' it might be. I thought that was normal? I feel like this thread is giving me a whole 'some people live in a different world' experience. And I'm glad I live in my world, not the one where groping is down to men 'being affectionate' or 'not understanding'.

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