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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any support for women married to ex-public school boys?!

143 replies

DreamyParentoid · 28/10/2016 22:57

DH is amazing, successful and in many ways a fabulous man at the same time as being very critical of me. I can see how it all comes from the place where he is in need but it feels like he'd rather make me perfect than deal with how things not being perfect makes him feel.

The things he says are all good points and what he is trying to achieve by pointing out what I'm not doing well are things you'd think you'd want for your family. Clean beautiful house, interesting times with friends, happy children, successful career and lots of sex and laughter etc

I'd love to be doing all those things, but just don't respond at all well to it being pointed out negatively. We have two daughters (3 and 5) and I'm back at work part time. I want him to be interested in me and supportive of what i'm doing and trying to do in terms of environmental work. I don't need him to be though, I can just get on with things for myself, but kindness and some support with childcare while I follow my projects would really help. He thinks he is being supportive by paying for most things and feels like he's already given so much that it's hard to give more. He is let down by me 'not picking up on his signals', the house being messy (though I seem to be trying to tidy it all the time and we have a cleaner for 4 hours a week) and our 'bad communication'.

I'd love to sort things out but am having dreams where I leave, am in a near desolate situation but still I feel free. Which is all fine in dream world but doesn't deal with paying for and bringing up two young children.

He doesn't want to get a divorce but things are so bad that we have talked about it. Basically he's great and things ought to be great, but he's also behaving like a bully.

What I'd love was if someone could come on who knew how to deal with men like this and could give me fabulous advice which helped me to be loving, get on with my own life and make the best of this situation! What I'm scared of is that I am going to have to leave this situation because I can't be myself when I'm being criticised and controlled so much of the time.

What I need is to be getting on with my own life so this doesn't affect me so much, but is that possible?

OP posts:
allegretto · 30/10/2016 08:16

Watch "the making of them" to see it in action.

I've just watched the beginning of this - so upsetting! And also it makes me really angry to think about how our society has been shaped by a small elite with a huge sense of entitlement.

BreatheDeep · 30/10/2016 08:18

I don't have much experience of people from boarding schools but one of my closest friends (who is lovely and would never behave like your husband OP) went to one in the 80s. She has very much been 'scarred' by it. She has quite a few psychological issues from it. She's knows they stem from that time as she's had a lot of therapy. So it's just not true to say that schools have nothing to do with personality. I think your husband has been doubly 'damaged' from school and home. He sounds awful. But I don't think you can fix him. He needs therapy.

Beebeeeight · 30/10/2016 08:22

Domestic abuse is domestic abuse.

Schooling isn't an excuse.

You can debate about the effects of boarding school in kids but it has been evidenced that living with domestic abuse harms children and is a form of emotional abuse.

cedricsneer · 30/10/2016 08:29

Well you are being pretty simplistic about them Gloria, so I though it worth pointing out.

No one is saying that all bullies went to public school or that everyone who goes to public school is a bully.

christinarossetti · 30/10/2016 08:31

The issues about his childhood are his.

The issues about how he treats you, how unhappy you are, how you don't see a future in your relationship are yours. If he acknowledges that they're his as well, then your relationship has a chance.

Otherwise, no amount of seeking justification for his behaviour in his childhood will help in the here and now.

Landoni112 · 30/10/2016 08:35

Some great advice here, maybe it's time to move on op?

dementedma · 30/10/2016 08:38

I mentioned this thread to a friend who was sent to boarding school on his 7th birthday! He's a really nice guy but cannot "do" emotional attachment at all, which I suppose he ended up as a very high ranking military officer. He said that at his school it was 20 boys to a dorm, PE outside every day all year round bare chested, cold baths and regular beatings. After a beating you had to thank the master who had administered it for showing you the error of your ways! Of course this kind of "upbringing" affects his behaviour now but he denies it.

Whisky2014 · 30/10/2016 08:39

Just read the other thread. Please leave! He is so horrible...i am infuriated with him just reading some of the sentences after you not bringing fish pie to Sir.
You are your own person, you werent put on this planet to serve someone else or be their life administrator. You will be so much happier away from this "man".

GloriaGaynor · 30/10/2016 08:43

I'm not the one who's being simplistic cedric

Damage in itself doesn't cause bullying.

GloriaGaynor · 30/10/2016 08:52

Beebeeeight - agreed.

TheCatsBiscuits · 30/10/2016 09:33

But surely your issue is with 'adults whose parents were emotionally cold and badly managed a separation' rather than 'adults who went to public school'?

My experience of 'ex public schoolboys', many of whom boarded because of parental army or diplomatic postings, not because of family breakdown, is of very tight-knit friendship loyalties, bizarre food preferences and an inability to evict the Roger's Profanasaurus from the loo. Your DH is emotionally dysfunctional, and treats you very badly - it's more reasonable to lay the blame for that at the door of his parents, than at the school they sent him to, surely?

Original poster
DreamyParentoid · 30/10/2016 19:30

The thing is I'm scared of leaving. I'm scared of trying to set up life by myself, I can't bear how much it would hurt my DD1 who is devoted to DH. To be honest I'm on this loop of thinking if I could just be stronger, stand up to him in the right way 'be in my power' etc then everything would be ok.

So much about our life is so beautiful, our garden, my relationship with my step-children, the intermingling of our two families.

I'm really scared of what it is like to leave and have no money and create so much havoc. So much distruption and upheaval. Let alone how to hold it together to single parent.

I can't quite move past how much fear all of those things fill me with.

Can anyone tell me what a good married relationship is like? It's hard to really understand that this isn't is... even though it's been so hard.

I think I must be really loyal by nature.

OP posts:
annandale · 30/10/2016 19:38

I personally believe that marriages go through all sorts of stages, some of which will be awful, and that a lot of relationships that appear in a really bad state can regenerate. Takes change though, and you can't really force him to change.

You know him, we don't. What do you think will happen if you do start standing up for yourself? Even if you don't feel it, if you start saying 'don't talk to me like that' 'we both live here and the mess is not 100% my responsibility' stuff like that?

ColdFeetinWinter · 30/10/2016 19:48

Without change 6 months from now....1 year from now....2 years from now....you'll feel the same. Sounds to me like you need to have help to either fix the marriage or leave. What about counselling. You are going to need to talk to him about these issues. You can't fix them them by tweaking life without him being aware. You need to face up to that.

Original poster
DreamyParentoid · 30/10/2016 19:56

I think he thinks the mess is all me because I 'don't put things away after I've used them' and 'haven't taught the children to be tidy'. Which is partly true, though I also think there is more to being a good mum than keeping everything ship shape at all times.

I think if really was to stand up for myself that it could work. I've always thought that which is why I've carried on for so long. He has agreed to go to a consellor. I suppose it's hard to think he can change when he is so resistant to understanding the effects of his actions. He really thinks he's helping to 'keep the standards up'.

I know it sounds shit. I can't stand how shit it sounds and how weak I sound. I swear if you met me you wouldn't think I"m a push over or incapable of standing up for myself. It's just that I find it particularly hard to do that with him. The way he sees things is always such a shock that I'm sort of stunned into silence. I'm loving that some women have posted specific sentances to say and that is the sort of help that could contribute.

Got to go and bath the children!

Am going to read over more stuff later and watch the film a couple of people have mentioned :)

OP posts:
Dozer · 30/10/2016 20:18

Your current situation is bad for your DC.

DC often "adore" poor parents: it's a known "thing", and not good for them

You are not being "loyal" staying in an abusive relationship.

Naicehamshop · 30/10/2016 20:47

I have been in a relationship which was similar (in some ways).

I found that standing my ground and just saying: "No - I'm not going to do that" "I don't agree with that" " That doesn't suit me" was surprisingly effective. Try speaking calmly and then just walking away.

I did find it difficult to do though; somehow it's really difficult to change the "pattern" that you've both got used to, but it maybe worth a try.

It might be worth putting a time limit on how long you are prepared to spend trying to change him. You are worth more than a relationship with a man like this if he is not prepared to try. Good luck.

Original poster
DreamyParentoid · 30/10/2016 22:34

Naicehamshop did you manage it? Are you still with him?

OP posts:
sleepingischeating · 30/10/2016 23:03

I was in this kind of relationship until we split up 3 years ago. Now happily divorced and both in new relationships. I suspect my (comprehensive-educated, blue collar background) ex had simply fallen out of love with me and fallen in love with someone else. The endless criticisms were because he was miserable being with me and nothing to do with where he went to school etc. Nothing I could have done would have made it right once we hit that point; I could have managed the tidiest house and been the most domesticated wife in the world and something else would have been 'wrong'. It's a horrible place to be in and you have all my sympathy. I hope you resolve it one way or another. ps the ex and i get on ok now - we both stuffed up along the way but are doing a better job being divorced.

Original poster
DreamyParentoid · 30/10/2016 23:19

I am struggling to stay focused on daily life with all of this dialogue quietly going on in the background and in my mind. I've got the feeling like I'm unravelling everything, biting at the hand that has fed me and going to put various projects in a difficult situation by addressing this. I have one day to myself this week. Phew.

I literally don't know how to think any of this through. It just feels scary and blank.

Actually it feels like trying to contemplate whether or not to jump off the edge of a cliff... holding onto the hands of your children.

The staying option is that we work on this with a counsellor, I get to think through straightforward things like what work I have to do for tomorrow to be professional. Jeeze louise.

OP posts:
Original poster
DreamyParentoid · 30/10/2016 23:21

Thanks sleepingischeating. It does help to hear that there was life after that stage :) A lot :)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/10/2016 23:36

On your thread from 2013 you said you would "give it a couple of years to get your boundaries firmly in place before you gave up"

And here you are. Not even one teeny tiny step further. Sad

springydaffs · 31/10/2016 00:04

I married an ex-public schoolboy. With a terrible back story - poor thing!

Abuser.

Left him.

Not a day goes by I don't regret it. I was a wreck by the time I left. Yay me.

springydaffs · 31/10/2016 00:05

Hang on, I meant I have never regretted it. Tired!

Justaboy · 31/10/2016 00:27

You mentioned step-children Who's OP where they they from a previous marriage of yours or his?.

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