Any support for women married to ex-public school boys?!

[DreamyParentoid]

DH is amazing, successful and in many ways a fabulous man at the same time as being very critical of me. I can see how it all comes from the place where he is in need but it feels like he'd rather make me perfect than deal with how things not being perfect makes him feel.

The things he says are all good points and what he is trying to achieve by pointing out what I'm not doing well are things you'd think you'd want for your family. Clean beautiful house, interesting times with friends, happy children, successful career and lots of sex and laughter etc

I'd love to be doing all those things, but just don't respond at all well to it being pointed out negatively. We have two daughters (3 and 5) and I'm back at work part time. I want him to be interested in me and supportive of what i'm doing and trying to do in terms of environmental work. I don't need him to be though, I can just get on with things for myself, but kindness and some support with childcare while I follow my projects would really help. He thinks he is being supportive by paying for most things and feels like he's already given so much that it's hard to give more. He is let down by me 'not picking up on his signals', the house being messy (though I seem to be trying to tidy it all the time and we have a cleaner for 4 hours a week) and our 'bad communication'.

I'd love to sort things out but am having dreams where I leave, am in a near desolate situation but still I feel free. Which is all fine in dream world but doesn't deal with paying for and bringing up two young children.

He doesn't want to get a divorce but things are so bad that we have talked about it. Basically he's great and things ought to be great, but he's also behaving like a bully.

What I'd love was if someone could come on who knew how to deal with men like this and could give me fabulous advice which helped me to be loving, get on with my own life and make the best of this situation! What I'm scared of is that I am going to have to leave this situation because I can't be myself when I'm being criticised and controlled so much of the time.

What I need is to be getting on with my own life so this doesn't affect me so much, but is that possible?

[springydaffs]

both my DH and my husband

I hate to say this but this is a humdinger of a freudian slip.

Your description of your dad is... of a not very nice person. You seem to be suggesting his elite boarding school experience is the reason for his, frankly, unpleasant character. Then along comes your marvellous DH who is doing so much good for the world... and has similar traits to your dad.

I suggest it, their similar characters, have little to do with their schooling and more to do with, perhaps, you being attracted to someone who has the same (unpleasant) character, or attributes, as your father.

Sadly, many of us who ended up with abusive men can trace our fatal flaw back to our fathers. As it happens, my working class brute of a father couldn't have been more different to my top drawer, suave and sophisticated husband. I sniggered up my sleeve on my wedding day, assured they were NOTHING alike. But it turns out they were very alike.

[DamePastel]

yes, and I thought my EA X was nothing like my father. He was a version of my mother instead. Controlling, but more so. Manipulative, but not just a little bit. Never wrong, but more unpleasant about it.

[DreamyParentoid]

Have arranged first session with a consellor for Tuesday not this week but next and DH has agreed... though grumbling about he can't see why. I don't think this is the answer to everything, am not expecting miracles and am still planning where I want to be in 10 years as per helpful posts from earlier.

None the less I am very pleased to have arranged and agreed to because what ever it is a step forward towards a positive future and putting my needs in the headlights.

[OrlandaFuriosa]

Well done. It may get tougher before it gets better, Bon courage. You have taken action. That is a step forward, whatever the outcome.

[Bumbleclat]

I think he's a bully, my DH went to PS but has had a lot of therapy to get over it, he still suffers from the effects of it but usually catches himself before I have to say anything.

[JerryFerry]

You want to believe he's great, but he just isn't. In fact, he sounds quite frightful.

I don't think you are alone in hanging onto a fantasy of a perfect life, lots of people buy into this notion, but you're kidding yourselves because in fact it's a highly toxic existence. Who cares how beautiful the house is if you cannot feel comfortable in it? And so on.

Your way out of this is to let go of the fantasy and find a more authentic existence.

[SomeonesRealName]

I don't know if you might find useful. The speaker relates how the narrative she was telling herself about the dynamics of her relationship kept her stuck in an abusive situation. If you are a strong person with high levels of emotional intelligence and empathy, you can be vulnerable to someone manipulative who evokes your sympathy with a narrative of childhood neglect, past relationship abuse or similar, and you can soon become locked into a pattern of desperately trying to rescue the person - but only to your own detriment, as they were always out to take advantage and will never change because it suits them to be the way they are.

[Rainbunny]

My friend is married to a man like this, he is a devoted husband and father in many ways but he is hyper critical. She's visited a solicitor twice in as many years with the intention to get divorced but the thought of not living with her children fulltime stops her from going ahead each time. I don't know about the public school influence on your dh but in my friend's particular case her dh is definitely on the autism spectrum, something that she only realised when both their children were diagnosed at a young age - it was a lightbulb moment for her. His inability to recognise that his constant criticism is upsetting is part of this.

[DreamyParentoid]

Hello! Something unbelievable has happened. I am not going to say that everything is miraculously going to be ok, BUT I actually told him everything I thought, taking the bull by the horns and saying everything I really thought about him, his behaviour, how everyone can see what he's doing etc and told him I thought he was a Naracassict and prone to emotional abusive behaviour an the effect it was having on me, the cognative dissonance, the post traumatic stress aspect, how he actually doesn't even know what I want to do with my life as an example of how he hasn't listened to anything important for years etc etc

Weirdly, he listened.

He thought about it, googled it, AND AGREES WITH ME THAT HE IS A NARCASSIST!

He has bought 6 books on narscasiscm and has stayed at home for 3 days solid reading them. I suppose if he is going to be a narcsassist he is going to be the best there is! He is coming up to me, pointing at tables in books, with lists of awful behaviour and toxic narc language tricks and saying "I do all of these don't I?". And 'it says here that I'm supposed to own your own feelings first and not make comments about what I think you think...you've been talking like that all the time? How did you know to do that?! Does everyone know?'

He says he can see he has been just awful and that he is so greatful that i've found a name for the behaviour so he can understand it. He WANTS to go to the counsellor on Tuesday. He says that while he can see his is both a narc and also has been using awful lanugage, he can't be the worst there is because he knows he does definitely love me!

OH MY F**KING GOD! I can't believe it!

While he has been at home reading I've been out to dinner with friends on Friday, to see my family on Saturday (long drive) then out again to see a friend last night who was having a bad time. All with his blessing. All with him looking after the kids or in the case of Saturday where I took the kids to see family he stayed at home and TIDIED THE HOUSE!

I'm incredulous!

He says I shouldn't get my hopes up because his reading tells him its very difficult to recover from!

But he also slipped in that apparently 1 in 1000 narcs actually are genius's! I actually laughed at a joke he made almost depreciating himself!

Ok, I know the danger is that he'll become a professional narc or something but he says he is now committed to the counselling sessions.

Of course he still doesn't instinctively understand any of it, but honestly a week ago I thought what he is saying at the moment are words that could never come out of his mouth.

xxx

[GloriaGaynor]

He says I shouldn't get my hopes up because his reading tells him its very difficult to recover from!

He's right. Identifying behaviour patterns is one thing, changing them is quite another. It's very, very difficult to change your habitual behaviour and indeed your personality. It's relentless hard work, boring and challenging. Many people start off with the best intentions, but few actually stay the course.

The hope that he might change will keep you tied to him for another 5 years at least.

That may be why he's done the acknowledgement line. Because he saw that you were fed up enough to leave and this will keep you with him.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

That's a brilliant update DreamyParentoid!
There's a huge amount of positiveness there ;0)
Good luck!

[OrlandaFuriosa]

As well as all the words of encouragement -and this is amazing- tell him that in general you have to do things at least 21 times in a row before it becomes customary to your brain. If you don't manage at eg 17, back to the beginning..it sounds depressing, but actually 21 is achievable.

Get him to chunk up his behaviours, addressing them bit by bit..

Anyway, that's the theory I was taught.

[SomeonesRealName]

read this

[SomeonesRealName]

Just in case.

[DreamyParentoid]

Ok, went to the therapist today and she was absolutely brilliant.

She had my DH number completely, made him feel welcome and heard as well as mirroring back to him what he'd been saying about me with such wit and sympathy but real firmness. She really earnt his respect with the accuracy of her description of him. At one point she said he was talking as if he was being so reasonable and understanding but actually what he was saying was that I was frigid and a mess! She was able to explain what it was like for me and support me without ever taking sides as such. He is up for going every week for the foreseable future.

I feel like I'm getting a bit more realistic because it might be almost impossible for him to change about things he just doesn't get. And I might not really want to be with him. After all of this I've been in such a coping situation and trying to sort things out that when I feel my true feelings they might be that I don't actually want to be in this boat at all.

But whatever happens it feels like the most tremendous relief to have a place we can talk about things with some real hope that I will be heard. Just not to feel nervous and like I could do things based on what is nurturing for me is amazing.
xxxx

[DreamyParentoid]

Thanks SomeonesRealName. I hear you and so does my heart.

[OrlandaFuriosa]

So glad it went well. To have her echo to him your position must mean you have a sense of validation, vs his previous gaslighting, great. Now to continue to build on that and increase your inner resilience.