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Relationships

Any support for women married to ex-public school boys?!

143 replies

DreamyParentoid · 28/10/2016 22:57

DH is amazing, successful and in many ways a fabulous man at the same time as being very critical of me. I can see how it all comes from the place where he is in need but it feels like he'd rather make me perfect than deal with how things not being perfect makes him feel.

The things he says are all good points and what he is trying to achieve by pointing out what I'm not doing well are things you'd think you'd want for your family. Clean beautiful house, interesting times with friends, happy children, successful career and lots of sex and laughter etc

I'd love to be doing all those things, but just don't respond at all well to it being pointed out negatively. We have two daughters (3 and 5) and I'm back at work part time. I want him to be interested in me and supportive of what i'm doing and trying to do in terms of environmental work. I don't need him to be though, I can just get on with things for myself, but kindness and some support with childcare while I follow my projects would really help. He thinks he is being supportive by paying for most things and feels like he's already given so much that it's hard to give more. He is let down by me 'not picking up on his signals', the house being messy (though I seem to be trying to tidy it all the time and we have a cleaner for 4 hours a week) and our 'bad communication'.

I'd love to sort things out but am having dreams where I leave, am in a near desolate situation but still I feel free. Which is all fine in dream world but doesn't deal with paying for and bringing up two young children.

He doesn't want to get a divorce but things are so bad that we have talked about it. Basically he's great and things ought to be great, but he's also behaving like a bully.

What I'd love was if someone could come on who knew how to deal with men like this and could give me fabulous advice which helped me to be loving, get on with my own life and make the best of this situation! What I'm scared of is that I am going to have to leave this situation because I can't be myself when I'm being criticised and controlled so much of the time.

What I need is to be getting on with my own life so this doesn't affect me so much, but is that possible?

OP posts:
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overthehillandroundthemountain · 29/10/2016 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wadingthroughsoup · 29/10/2016 10:17

OP, he really doesn't sound 'great', he sounds very controlling. Your post is all about what he wants and expects from you.

Clean beautiful house, interesting times with friends, happy children, successful career and lots of sex and laughter etc

Yes, a lot of people might want those things (although it does read a bit like a checklist of things we think constitute a successful life), but most of us probably don't have all of them- at least not permanently!

It's not wrong to strive for those things, but it's the joint responsibility of both people in the relationship to attempt to achieve them. Why doesn't your OH take any responsibility for keeping the house tidy and clean? You both work so it should be a joint responsibility. Ditto making sure the children are happy.

I couldn't stay in a relationship in which I was constantly trying to please the other person and meet their (unreasonable) demands- it sounds like such hard work.

I am grateful to be in a mutually respectful relationship in which we can both just be ourselves. You could be too OP.

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NotTheFordType · 29/10/2016 11:30

I just read through your thread from 3 years ago.

Nobody could say you hadn't tried to make this marriage work. But it takes two, and he's not prepared to try, is he?

It's okay to stop trying, you know.

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MissMargie · 29/10/2016 14:57

I don't think you can talk him round or shame him into being better as he is a first degree twat.

What I need is to be getting on with my own life so this doesn't affect me so much, but is that possible

What you need to do is get back to work by employing a cleaner and childcare then when you are established back in your career leave him.

No one can fix someone else, they can only change themselves. Change yourself by getting on with your life and not pandering to him.

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ballottheplebs · 29/10/2016 15:04

where is your anger?

Get a good lawyer, and give him the financial equivalent of "getting buggered by the head boy" when you divorce him, he'll like that.

There you go. I went to a shitty midlands comp (and then got my Oxford place) and I can work that out for myself.

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LetitiaCropleysCookbook · 29/10/2016 15:23

Following on from pps, other useful jargon phrases this type of man might connect with:

"How do you see our relationship developing, going forward?"

" I'd really appreciate some constructive input from you"

"I'm afraid the negativity I'm picking up from you is impacting badly on my motivation"

"Sorry, old chap, but given the current market conditions, I've got no alternative but to let you go"

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pklme · 29/10/2016 18:03

I like everyone's phrases...

How about 'that sounds good, but when will you have time to do it?'
'I'm really glad you told me how you feel, thank you!'
'I'd love that too, I'll put it on my list in case I ever have time to get round to it'.
'I've got lots to do today. If you want to do that great, but if I do it then you'll need to sort out dinner.'
I'd love to be superwoman too, wouldn't it be great if I was sexy, a fantastic cook, waited on you hand and foot and was a perfect mother. I could run a company in my spare time. If you ever find the secret, let me know! And if I find a cure for being a patronising know all, I'll get it for you for Christmas!

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DreamyParentoid · 29/10/2016 19:25

Wow, some amazing feedback, some really interesting, some really empowering and I am really grateful. In very quick answer he was dumped at boarding school, he boarded from age 7, his parents split up age 9 when he was told in the living room that they were breaking up then sent back to school the next day and never saw them together again. No emotional support for any of it from then onwards. I'm not saying it justifies anything, I don't pardon his behaviour and I am thinking seriously about leaving, but it was a pretty shit hand.

And yes, I have really enjoyed sending oldest to a local primary school where there are kids from all walks of life and it has been a joy seeing how he reacts lesson for him to manage drop off.

OP posts:
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Dozer · 29/10/2016 19:37

Read the Lundy Bancroft.

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ManonLescaut · 29/10/2016 20:07

That was after my grandmother dumped my father, aged 3, and his siblings at her brother's house in Buckinghamshire for the whole of the war. My father boarded from age 7. Aged 9 he heard his mother say she never wanted him (she already had 2 children and he was an accident).

He's a totally lovely man, still with my mum after 48 years.

It's not the shit you're dealt but how you deal with it.

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ManonLescaut · 29/10/2016 20:10

I've read your previous thread and you're making the same kind of excuses for your husband in this thread as that one.

I think you need to find the strength to get you and your girls out of this.
This could run and run for the rest of their childhoods.

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MissMargie · 30/10/2016 07:24

I think where a man feels let down or failed by his DM, for whatever reason, they can be misogynistic. He is setting high targets for you OP which you will probably fail (with small DCs). So you are letting him down as happened with his DM in the past. He is proving (to himself?) that all women are like that.
He needs lots of counselling to sort himself out im amateur psychologist view.

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cedricsneer · 30/10/2016 07:30

I don't think the ex-public school thing is a red herring at all. I'm a psychotherapist and see the scars all the time. Watch "the making of them" to see it in action.

Having said this, it's not your job to fix him. You sound quite adaptive and it sounds like you could do with a bit of help with your own self esteem.

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LadyPenelope68 · 30/10/2016 07:34

Thus has nothing to do with being a public school boy, he's just a bully, my Dad, DB and DH all went to public school and absolutely none of them behave like that.

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ColdFeetinWinter · 30/10/2016 07:37

Regardless of the cause of his behaviour it isn't something you have to live with.

I left a man who's behaviour was bullying and have never regretted it. What I do regret is the years I stayed. I stayed because I felt sorry for him because life had dealt him a rubbish hand with cold, distant and unloving parents.

The consequence of staying was that my DC were affected by the behaviour of their father. Whilst looking after him I overlooked the impact on them. I naively thought I was protecting them. I wasn't. Children grow up watching, feeling tension. It's not good. Put them first.

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ColdFeetinWinter · 30/10/2016 07:37

By "put them first" I mean...leave

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GloriaGaynor · 30/10/2016 07:39

Cedric, scars don't make people into bullies, that's a choice. There are plenty of bullies who've never set foot in a public school.

Read the previous thread linked above.

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GloriaGaynor · 30/10/2016 07:41

I agree ColdFeet he's not just making the OP unhappy but the children too.

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cedricsneer · 30/10/2016 07:44

Gloria, that is very simplistic. Human beings are very complex and the wounds of abandonment etc can cause huge deficits.

She does not have to live with it and he can change - if he wants to. I wouldn't live with it if he refused to work on the behaviour.

Because some people come out of public school and all that goes with it (particularly prep school) unscathed, doesn't mean everyone does.

Like I say, I have a huge personal interest in this, work with it all the time and come from a background where most of my friends (and I) went to public school.

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cedricsneer · 30/10/2016 07:45

I will read the other thread later.

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Riversiderunner · 30/10/2016 07:48

He sounds awful. Nothing to do with what school he went to though.

Has he always been that critical or is it new?

Is there another woman?

Good luck with it all - the only thing that sounds. 'fabulous' about him is that he has money. And that is never enough.

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juneau · 30/10/2016 07:50

Why are you blaming this on him having gone to public school? His parents are the ones who are to blame for divorcing him and 'dumping' him at school, not the school for existing.

Your DH sounds like a bullying twat, which may well be a result of his upbringing, but don't blame his schooling for it. That makes YOU sound like a twat too.

As for advice, I'd stand up for myself, if I was you. Don't allow him to bully you. Fight your corner. Bullies soon back down (in my, unfortunately, extensive experience), when their opponent gives as good as they get.

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Wanderingraspberry · 30/10/2016 07:57

My DH also boarded from 7 and is nothing like you describe. It's not the school it's the person. Counseling if he's bullying and making unreasonable demands? He's not great just for providing materially, there's more to a relationship.

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GloriaGaynor · 30/10/2016 08:10

Human beings are very complex

No shit Sherlock.

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happypoobum · 30/10/2016 08:15

I am wondering if there is a reason why the OP has singled out the PS issue as responsible for her DH being such a wankbadger? Does he try to make you feel that you are a lesser mortal to him as a result of his schooling?

Whatever the reason, you shouldn't have to live like this, it sounds like you are walking on eggshells and trying to please and appease him. Do your DC also have to behave like this, trying to be the perfect children to keep daddy happy?

Fuck that.

It's possible that with therapy he might recognise that his desire to mould you into the "perfect family" is linked to his own childhood, and that his behaviour is dysfunctional. However, you say he doesn't think it is him who needs to change, but you.

If he really isn't going to budge, then I think you should start following your own dream and see a solicitor so you know where you stand. Good luck.

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