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Relationships

Any support for women married to ex-public school boys?!

143 replies

DreamyParentoid · 28/10/2016 22:57

DH is amazing, successful and in many ways a fabulous man at the same time as being very critical of me. I can see how it all comes from the place where he is in need but it feels like he'd rather make me perfect than deal with how things not being perfect makes him feel.

The things he says are all good points and what he is trying to achieve by pointing out what I'm not doing well are things you'd think you'd want for your family. Clean beautiful house, interesting times with friends, happy children, successful career and lots of sex and laughter etc

I'd love to be doing all those things, but just don't respond at all well to it being pointed out negatively. We have two daughters (3 and 5) and I'm back at work part time. I want him to be interested in me and supportive of what i'm doing and trying to do in terms of environmental work. I don't need him to be though, I can just get on with things for myself, but kindness and some support with childcare while I follow my projects would really help. He thinks he is being supportive by paying for most things and feels like he's already given so much that it's hard to give more. He is let down by me 'not picking up on his signals', the house being messy (though I seem to be trying to tidy it all the time and we have a cleaner for 4 hours a week) and our 'bad communication'.

I'd love to sort things out but am having dreams where I leave, am in a near desolate situation but still I feel free. Which is all fine in dream world but doesn't deal with paying for and bringing up two young children.

He doesn't want to get a divorce but things are so bad that we have talked about it. Basically he's great and things ought to be great, but he's also behaving like a bully.

What I'd love was if someone could come on who knew how to deal with men like this and could give me fabulous advice which helped me to be loving, get on with my own life and make the best of this situation! What I'm scared of is that I am going to have to leave this situation because I can't be myself when I'm being criticised and controlled so much of the time.

What I need is to be getting on with my own life so this doesn't affect me so much, but is that possible?

OP posts:
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Nelleflowerpot · 29/10/2016 07:44

I came to read this thread out of curiosity (I'm married to a ex public school boy). I expected a moan about snobbery around education etc. The joys of selecting a state school when your husbands only knowledge of school is the top school in the country type thing ( or maybe a that's just our problem)
what you described is horrible, not the norm and not acceptable or lincked to a certain type of schooling from my experience.
If you are being bullied and unhappy maybe it's just not working and time you walked.
Sorry but what school you go to is no excuse. Good luck op

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PigletWasPoohsFriend · 29/10/2016 07:49

over I doubt any of that applies to the OP.

The likelihood of her DH attending school in the 40s and 50s are extremely slim considering their children are 3 and 5.

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unlimiteddilutingjuice · 29/10/2016 07:50

I came on here to suggest the work of Nick Duffel who is a psychologist that has written on the lasting psychological effect of boarding schools. Including the effect on relationships. (There is a book and a documentary both called "The making of them")

However, now I've read your post, I think the public school thing is a red herring. The sort of relationship problem Nick Duffel writes about is more along the lines of extreme reserve, emotional distance etc. Your husband just sounds like a bully. I don't think his schooling is the issue.

My revised book recommendation is Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that"

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AxminsterCarpet · 29/10/2016 07:55

Piglet have a read of Over's post again...

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Madinche1sea · 29/10/2016 07:59

Unlimited - even boarding schools in the 70s and 80s were very different from today (not that we've sent any of our DC to boarding school).
I agree though, that a bully is a bully and background is no excuse.

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PigletWasPoohsFriend · 29/10/2016 08:00

Sorry I miss read the age thing. However I still disagree. My DH experience of his time at a public school or many I know.

Nome where 'dumped there'.

OP mentions nothing about boarding.

Public schooling is a red herring in this case.

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bookworm14 · 29/10/2016 08:01

Haven't read whole thread, but I am married to a public schoolboy who is in no way like this.

I don't think your H's problems stem from where he went to school.

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Madinche1sea · 29/10/2016 08:01

Sorry unlimited, that was responding to piglet!

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PigletWasPoohsFriend · 29/10/2016 08:01

*none of them were....

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bookworm14 · 29/10/2016 08:01

FORMER public schoolboy, that should say... Hmm

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Fewerofwhomithinkwell · 29/10/2016 08:03

Does he think his behaviour is to do with the school attended? Why is that the focus?
My DH went to a top public school, he is in no way how you've described. Interestingly two of his brothers who went to boarding school are a bit like this.

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KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 29/10/2016 08:06

My DH went to public school and if he behaved like this to me I'd set fire to his car.
I do however recognise the eating fast trait and would also like to ask if any other DHs described her blue their noses on their discarded boxer shorts?

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PeppaIsMyHero · 29/10/2016 08:18

OP, please understand that his behaviour will get worse, not better.

Can you go to counselling together to talk this through with a third party? It might help him assess his behaviour as well as yours.

Good luck.

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Novinosincebambino · 29/10/2016 08:20

OP I'm married to an ex public school boy and while that has some basis for his flaws it's not the only reason ( my previous ex was also ex public school and Freud would have a job with this guy). You need to look at their family and why they are the way they are. Cold robotic mother for example. Lack of emotional intelligence is definitely at her door. If you really don't want to leave then I would suggest counselling and lay it all out there. If he can accept his issues and you can agree to things that will help him (not being bullied or act like his maid though) then you could see the other side. Hope it all works out either way.

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gettingtherequickly · 29/10/2016 08:24

OP I was at an all boys public school, (about a hundred years ago), and I can promise you that my friends do not make their wives feel crap and worthless.

This is nothing to do with education and everything to do with the fact that your husband is an overbearing bully.

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TequilaBlockingBird · 29/10/2016 08:27

Is eating fast a thing? Mine just about inhales his food.

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toptoe · 29/10/2016 08:27
  1. You can never be what he says you should be because you aren't a robot!! Stop trying to achieve the impossible and just be yourself. He has to work out how to deal with his issue.


  1. You can't change him either. He may realise he needs help to reduce his anxiety that drives his need for perfection, but that won't involve you as he'll need therapy and self commitment. Or he's happy this way ordering you to be 'perfect' and you'll have lots of battles to just live your life. Both these routes are out of your control.


The only thing you can control is how you respond and how you live this one life you have.
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OhTheRoses · 29/10/2016 08:34

Reverse here. Public schoolgirl, dh went to the local comp. He strives for perfection and has been known to leave me a list of "jobs", including tidy x, deal with y.

I laugh and tell him to stuff off. But nearly 30 years ago I really supported him to get over feeling inferior, especially in his work environment.

He isn't an arse though and that's how your dh sounds.

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DamePastel · 29/10/2016 08:34

lol at eating fast!

To the OP, he sounds like a very difficult man to live with. I wouldn't describe him as great. Your life is made unnecessarily harder by living with a bully.
You're supposed to know how he feels without him having said so and pick up your standards and react according to how he feels. But you have told him how you feel with words clearly and he doesn't change. So he has a nerve saying ''interpret my non verbal signals'' when he doesn't listen to verbal communication in its clearest form.

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DamePastel · 29/10/2016 08:39

I recommend Lundy Bancroft's ''Why does he do that?'' as well.

I just finally understood that I had be trained and very effectively trained.
He over reacted to any simple request so I stopped asking.
He fought his corner too hard so I stopped fighting my corner.
He saw me asserting any need of my own as selfish and so I stopped asking for anything.

And that's on top of wanting the house to be run like a hotel. I had two dc under 4

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EnoughAlready43 · 29/10/2016 08:41

Agreed. Bully. That's all he is.

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pklme · 29/10/2016 08:59

The public school my brother boarded at churned out well mannered, old fashioned, sexist men. They tended to be patronising and protective. With a bit of reeducation from the right partner, they end up mainly ok, I think. It's a breed of confidence which is actually a bit arrogant. They tend to be more comfortable working with similar men, and tend to respect them more than women. That was in the seventies and eighties, so men in their forties now. They are taught to be persistent and competitive, and to win.

My SIL handles him well. She doesn't challenge him, but she doesn't give in either. She just quietly gets on with things her own way. If he wants to talk about things, warn him that you might not agree just because he wants you to and that he must agree to listen as well.

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GloriaGaynor · 29/10/2016 09:28

Hi OP, I remember your last thread from a couple of years ago.

I'm sorry to hear you're still stuck in this relationship.

You had some excellent advice on it you may want to re-read

These issues are nothing to do with public school as you suggested on this it thread, or being French as you suggested on the previous one.

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GloriaGaynor · 29/10/2016 09:30

He's basically critical and controlling.

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CauliflowerSqueeze · 29/10/2016 09:37

I like annandale's responses.
A few more

"It's looking a bit messy in here"
"Feel free to tidy up whenever you like"

"You're not picking up my signals"
"We aren't chimps. Feel free to use words to communicate"

Use phrases like
"How shall we proceed?"

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