...and then he vanished

[CestLaVie1975]

Now I have had my fair share of dating experience but this has left me scratching my head thinking WTF!

I'm going to call him Casper. I met Casper 3 months ago on a night out, really unexpected. Anyway long story short we started dating. Saw him once or twice a week, daily texting.... the norm. I thought finally I'd met someone on the same page as me.

Anyway fast forward... weekend before last I saw him twice and during the week we were in contact every day as usual then last weekend came round and he text me to say did I want to come over Saturday to chill out. Sounded perfect to me so we spent a lovely night together, he asked if I was staying the night and I said no because I knew he had an early start on Sunday... no issues. I leave to go home he kissed me goodbye and said drive safely.

Last Sunday I didn't hear from him, which isn't unusual so I text him around 6pm and asked how his day went.... no response, really unusual for him. We are now on Friday and I haven't heard from him since.

Now I know I could text him or call but if I'm honest I'm not one to chase people down, if they want to contact you they will and up until Saturday he had no problem texting me.

I'm left here confused, thinking I've done something wrong but knowing I haven't. I think I've just been dating a coward who cannot communicate with me. Why invite me round on the Saturday if he knew he had reservations about us.

One I will put down to experience but again another guy has chipped away at my already delicate confidence and thinking I'm not good enough.

I have no dignity. If someone tried to ghost me I would hunt them down and force them to go through the awkwardness of dumping me properly!

Mintychoc You've made my day.

I personally wouldn't give them the satisfaction of a reaction that they want and expect. The reaction would only justify the ghosting in their own head.

I will remain the girl that got away.

I did! I felt better for it!

But like I said earlier, I was only able to do that because the vibe I was naturally channelling was ''look, this is an administration call. And fyi, seems like I'm braver than you are''

I actually felt very dignified after it. It was a difficult call to make, but I made it calmly. I also made it to be clear that whatever half-assed notion he might have had to contact me 'at some point' , there would be no need. HERE IS THE LINE. Both free to go now.

Ps, My ghost didn't want to do better than me. He wanted to do worse than me.

C'est you are so dignified I am going to model all future dating adventures on your example

Thanks Three I hope you have more success then I do... this year has been eventful.

I do get why some would want to call someone up on their behaviour and end the relationship how it should be ended but I believe walking away bruises their ego more as they expect you to run after them. Kudos to those that have hunted them down and gave them what for.

Can I recommend a great blog called Post Male Syndrome she's based in the States but I've found it very useful. Also check out Amy Young videos on you tube.

oh yes, I like Amy Young. She's funny. I hadn't heard of Post Male Syndrome. I'll have a look.

I could never have rung that guy if I'd been upset and missing him. So it depends. I'm not saying I would do that the next time I'm ghosted {rolls eyes}

Thank you Cest, just read Post Male Syndrome. In retrospect my ghoster, was one of the most negative people I've ever met, so as the blog says, whenever he did show any warmth or emotion it filled me with more joy than it should have done. Subconsciously, I thought I could make him happy. BUT he was and always will be, a selfish, emotionally unavailable, miserable, short, fat, old git. I'm glad I haven't contacted him again as that would feed into his ego. That said, I do have a certain respect for those of you that do track them down and call them up on their behaviour and I do have moments when I feel like I've been a bit of a pushover ... And Im missing him a bit tonight :(

The article about dating versions of your parents was interesting. I've done that. Controlling mother who doesn't really 'hear' me. Emotionally vague father. I've pursued relationships that kept me on my toes rather than being 'certain'. Not consciously obviously. Really trying not to any more.

Movingout I get the missing him part but I figured I was missing the idea of him more than the actual person. My missing him soon fades after reminding myself of that.

There is a great read on the PMS site about when to stay on your white horse. Having grace under pressure and not to react.. great heads space to be in when any relationship goes tits up

Well done Cest, I did similar. Just delete number and move on.
I was 40 when it last happened, 3 months later I met now DH. Good luck to you

Must read that one. Is it under dating?

Thanks More

Dame if you look under Self Improvement then Self Esteem its on page 3.

just pasting it here as it took me a few minutes to click to it!

Calm is a super power, indeed.

I've been reading this thread with interest after ONL myself for the last 7 months I've come across various stages of slow fading or ghosting too. It's part of the scene unfortunately..doesn't make it ok or right, but for some reason seems to be the norm these days!

I have a story to share that might be helpful also.

I met a guy on Tinder, we had 4 great dates and excellent mooseburgers on the last one. We chatted a lot inbetween dates, he seemed like a really nice guy. I liked him a lot.

Date 5 was booked, he was coming over Saturday evening for sex and sleepover. I was cooking for him.

He stood me up. No explaination, no reply to my messages. Nothing.
He'd gone from being the pursuer and very keen to leaving me hurt, confused and angry with a ruined dinner and self esteem in tatters

It took me a good few weeks to start feeling better and move on to dating someone else.

BUT they usually come back! I have a lot of friends also OLD and this is the experience we've all had, beit months or years they usually always resurface at one point.

After 4 moths out of the blue I got a whatsapp message... hey how are you?

I was tempted to rip into him and give him what for but after leaving the reply for half an hour and thinking about my options I decided I'd never find out the reason why and what happened if I went into one, so for my own self I remained cool and calm. I got into a conversation with him and got my explanation which wasn't that he was a dick and the spineless cowardly person I assumed. Or that I had done anything wrong in word or action.

His explaination be it true or lies was this..(using his phrasing and words)
he was in a bad place and in beknown to me had depression and was on medication. He had drunk alcohol and got into a mess before meeting which he shouldn't have done because of the meds England was on (anti D)
He said I had every right to be hurt and angry.
I did nothing wrong and it wasn't to do with me being unnattractive or anything like it.
He was very ashamed the next day and decided in his wisdom that it would be better for me to think he was a bastard than know the truth because he was embarrassed to tell anyone he was in such a bad way.
He took time away from work and had some counselling then quit his job so although part of me listened to all this with a face and took it with a pinch of salt it sounds plausible.

I still don't think I'll ever know why he didn't just tell me, and there isn't really any excuse for standing someone up or ghosting, just grow a pair and tell them! BUT I thought I'd share because we never know what is going on in someone's head but the likelihood is....the problem is most definately with them and not you!!

Blimey. It's true you get more answers that way lastnickname.

It shows you do not know somebody after four dates. :-/
you have to see how they handle things before you know them. There's nothing to 'handle' in four good dates.

No you most definitely do not know someone after a few dates, or even a few months!

I find they don't show their true self until around the two month mark

There is another explanation, it's apparently a huge boost to the ego when men do this. If they can behave terribly and still get you to engage with them weeks later, even without seeing you again, it confirms to them that they are something special. They will often contact you from time to time for years, the little boost will be there for them every time.

That's why it's best to block and ignore. He could have messaged you, he didn't.