...and then he vanished

[CestLaVie1975]

Now I have had my fair share of dating experience but this has left me scratching my head thinking WTF!

I'm going to call him Casper. I met Casper 3 months ago on a night out, really unexpected. Anyway long story short we started dating. Saw him once or twice a week, daily texting.... the norm. I thought finally I'd met someone on the same page as me.

Anyway fast forward... weekend before last I saw him twice and during the week we were in contact every day as usual then last weekend came round and he text me to say did I want to come over Saturday to chill out. Sounded perfect to me so we spent a lovely night together, he asked if I was staying the night and I said no because I knew he had an early start on Sunday... no issues. I leave to go home he kissed me goodbye and said drive safely.

Last Sunday I didn't hear from him, which isn't unusual so I text him around 6pm and asked how his day went.... no response, really unusual for him. We are now on Friday and I haven't heard from him since.

Now I know I could text him or call but if I'm honest I'm not one to chase people down, if they want to contact you they will and up until Saturday he had no problem texting me.

I'm left here confused, thinking I've done something wrong but knowing I haven't. I think I've just been dating a coward who cannot communicate with me. Why invite me round on the Saturday if he knew he had reservations about us.

One I will put down to experience but again another guy has chipped away at my already delicate confidence and thinking I'm not good enough.

Why do men do this?

Pure cowardice. And perhaps believing that you will fall apart if your life doesn't have them in it. I was very calm when I rang that man. I had figured it out by then. The worst three days were when he went on holiday and I was not dumped in one phone call but dumped through the medium of interpreting silence. And then I accepted it and I was fine. But now, he will be the one who ducks in to a door way looking like a shifty sad fucker if our paths cross again (and they might, it's not extremely likely but it's not impossible either)

lightcola that's one way of looking at it I guess, but the small possibility that a man one knows to be a coward hankering after you, and possibly wondering ''what if'' is not compensation for passively letting him away with crappy behaviour. I know I'd never get back with a coward so his hankering after me wondering what if was worthless to me.

I wish I had your fortitude OP. Historically I've not handled the sudden silence very well (especially because by 3 months I'm starting to trust and like them more). I'm working on my crazy person behaviour haha.

When I'm less invested, my general rule is I'll message, wait 3 days to send another one, then a week and then I'll delete the number.

Is it crazy though? to expect somebody you've genuinely grown close to to show you some courtesy and a bit of respect?

If I ever see my fantasmo I will say 'looking for a doorway to hide in!" I'll hold my head up high. He will be embarrassed.

Nearly 4 years ago,I dated a guy for 4 months. It was nothing really serious but I thought things were fine between us,when suddenly,out of the blue one afternoon,I received a text from him saying 'I can't see you any more. I am going to find myself a new woman. Is that OK?' Talk about being blunt and to the point. I was so taken aback,that I just text back 'Fine by me. Do what you want'. I then deleted his number and every text of his from my phone. I wasn't really upset,just annoyed at his shitty behaviour. Anyway,fast forward 8 months and who walks up to me while I am sitting on a bench in my local high street? Acts all pleased to see me,while I was cool and off-hand. Had the sheer bare-faced audacity to ask 'What happened to you?' I looked blank. Apparently,I had dropped all contact with him. When I reminded him that it was HE that had dumped me,in a very uncourteous way,he denied it and said that it wasn't him that had sent the text message! Someone must have got hold of his phone. Oh really? So why was it that since then,I had not heard another word from him?! Did he think I was born yesterday? He then had the nerve to ask if I wanted his new phone number! Funnily enough,I politely declined.

I'm sure you're doing the right thing. However, after 3 months, I probably would have sent at least one "Everything OK?" type text before deleting.

You totally did the right thing OP. Respect.

Yes op, totally did the right thing to delete him. Caspar is most definitely not a friendly ghost in this case. He's an arse.

Thanks for all your responses, I really appreciate it.

In my head I have replayed the last couple of weeks trying to see if there were any clues from him to do something like this. Normally you can sense if something has changed or if they begin to fade a bit but with him there was nothing.

I still don't get why he invited me to his on Saturday knowing he wasn't that interested. If I know I'm not interested anymore no way would I spend a Saturday night with that person. I'd be busy and just step back a bit before ending it. What he's done is cruel and very passive aggressive.

I didn't pick up any change in him that night. Then in the space of a couple of hours he was gone. I've gone through every excuse you can imagine but none would stop him contacting me and having the decency of letting me know something is wrong or he's changed his mind. How hard can it be to do that? He needs to grow a pair.

I've learnt to be very dignified when it comes to dating otherwise you can send yourself crazy. Why do that over a man. Don't get me wrong I've had my moments of craziness but I do it in private, never so the guy can see it.

I'm taking a break from dating and men now it's not worth it unless the guy can treat me with love, care, trust and respect... and I deserve all those.. we all do.

Someone did this to me after 6 months of dating. Just silence.

You just have to move on and realise that its them not you spineless twats

I had this with a 56 year old Single dad of two that I had been dating for a year. Just went quiet on me. So after a couple of days I text him and said I was worried about him as he lived on his own and unless he replied I was driving over to his to check that he hadn't fallen out of the loft. Within minutes I received a text to say that he was away that weekend. He then posted on FB that he had just completed his local park run. Dick. So I sent him a finishing text and also told him that he had acted like an immature teenage not a middle aged adult in a professional job. Made me feel so better and closed the door. Guess what a few days later he was texting me saying he had messed up etc. Too late I had moved on and no way would I go back to such a coward.

Goodness OP, you're more restrained than me. I would've sent a couple more messages before I cottoned on

It still amazes me that grown adults behave like this!

It seems to be the modern way - it's not just men, I know some women at work who have ghosted people rather than talking to them. They seem to feel it's an acceptable alternative and that it's kinder then saying this is going anywhere for me or whatever. They tend to romanticise it by saying if they never reply, the other person will just slowly forget about them - not that the other person is probably obsessing over when last contact was and what went wrong.

I think it's even more common to be ghosted after sex because it's much harder then to say it wasn't working - he'd have to say that he wanted to come and have sex with you but didn't want anything else, but also didn't want to tell you that before the sex so you could make your own mind up... he'd look like a twat, because that's really twattish behaviour, and maybe he thinks being thought a twat because he ghosted you is better than being a twat because he slept with you.

Regardless a last text won't get you closure. That's the really crap part of ghosting.

I am sorry OP. However nice he seemed, he clearly wasn't really.

We slept together loads so it's not that. Part of me thinks if I did stay the night Saturday would it have changed the outcome? I will never know.

I'm feeling really sad and down at the minute. However strong you may think you are I get moments of self doubt.

i really miss him.... fuck it... what an arsewipe he is

Oh I understood that - but if you met on Saturday and slept together, and then Sunday he stopped talking to you completely, then he knew when he was with you on Saturday night that it'd be the last time. Whether you stayed or not, sometime on Saturday night or Sunday morning he'd have had to say that he didn't want to see you again, and he'd be a knob in anyone's book doing that after you'd just slept together (even if you'd done it before).

Maybe that's not his reasoning, but I'd bet it is. If he'd just changed his mind during your time together on Saturday, he wouldn't have asked you to stay. He knew what his plan was. The chances of him becoming completely unable to contact you for over a week on Sunday are really slim.

I can understand missing him. It does suck. Have you got much on this weekend to distract yourself?

It's natural for you to feel sad and down, who wouldn't in this situation?
I'm not sure I'd be able to leave it like you have, I'd at least make contact once and ask what the matter is/ talk one last time.
Contrary to what others have said i.e. Don't contact etc I don't think that is a 'normal' thing to do after being intimate with someone.. I do believe he is being cowardly but think you could be the mature one here and talk and it end properly iyswim.

We slept together loads so it's not that. Part of me thinks if I did stay the night Saturday would it have changed the outcome? I will never know.

Doubt it really would've changed anything. It's really crap to be rejected and not really know why.

But it's his problem, not yours. Hopefully you'll get someone who loves you the way you deserve and not these modern rude arsewipes who disappear.

I can't get my head round the fact that someone would invite you round knowing they would finish with you sex or not. I can't compute that in my head. We had a lovely evening, food, wine, laughs etc.... The weekend before I saw him twice and during the week we talked every day as normal. There was no indication of him backing off. Only he know why he's done it... maybe he has no reason himself he just flaked on me.

He's quite local to me so the chances of me seeing him again are there so maybe if I bump into him I may get answers or bullshit.

Trying to keep busy this weekend, starting back at the gym tomorrow

I had another experience when dating, I was meant to go out with him the Saturday night but I had plans so I couldn't go. He the. Went cold on me and I wondered what happened?
Thank goodness he was honest and text me that whilst he was out the Saturday he met someone who he had liked for a while and they had decided to go out.
Yes it hurt but I appreciated his honesty and I text him back so much and even wished him the best.
I did wonder for a while if only I had gone out with him that night but I'm married now and happy so you will move on too :)

OLD experience - I thought a guy ghosted. Turned out he was in the police cells for allegedly assaulting his ex that I had no idea he was visiting. We'd been seeing each other for 2 months. Gutted.

Part of me thinks if I did stay the night Saturday would it have changed the outcome?

Don't think like this OP, that is dangerous thinking. You will end up changing yourself and plans just to avoid him going into a childish strop if you think like that.

It just doesn't add up
I would genuinely think something had happened to him!

Unrequited no it doesn't add up. If something has happened maybe I will find out in time.

I'm 100% sure it's not something I've done otherwise I'm sure he would have ended it sooner or I would have sensed something was up Saturday... he's was very good actor.