...and then he vanished

[CestLaVie1975]

Now I have had my fair share of dating experience but this has left me scratching my head thinking WTF!

I'm going to call him Casper. I met Casper 3 months ago on a night out, really unexpected. Anyway long story short we started dating. Saw him once or twice a week, daily texting.... the norm. I thought finally I'd met someone on the same page as me.

Anyway fast forward... weekend before last I saw him twice and during the week we were in contact every day as usual then last weekend came round and he text me to say did I want to come over Saturday to chill out. Sounded perfect to me so we spent a lovely night together, he asked if I was staying the night and I said no because I knew he had an early start on Sunday... no issues. I leave to go home he kissed me goodbye and said drive safely.

Last Sunday I didn't hear from him, which isn't unusual so I text him around 6pm and asked how his day went.... no response, really unusual for him. We are now on Friday and I haven't heard from him since.

Now I know I could text him or call but if I'm honest I'm not one to chase people down, if they want to contact you they will and up until Saturday he had no problem texting me.

I'm left here confused, thinking I've done something wrong but knowing I haven't. I think I've just been dating a coward who cannot communicate with me. Why invite me round on the Saturday if he knew he had reservations about us.

One I will put down to experience but again another guy has chipped away at my already delicate confidence and thinking I'm not good enough.

Is he so immature that he has taken offence you left last Saturday rather than sleep over?
The fact you're saying he was a very good actor isn't a good sign. Did your gut tell you he was untrustworthy when you were with him?

Sorry this has happened to you OP.

Exactly the same happened to me last year after three months of seeing a guy. We were having a lot of fun and I was just starting to think the relationship might go somewhere.

I was absolutely gutted and spent far too many hours analysing my behaviour trying to work out when it went wrong.

Very similar age and relationship history as your bloke. He's not called Andrew is he!?

My gut never thought anything was wrong. Normally my spider senses spike up if I think there is a change to how someone acts or their communication style changes but there was nothing up until that night. That's why I've said he's a good actor because if there was something wrong he didn't show it.

Ghosting is horrible & cowardly and the worst thing is never finding out what happened. Those ghosters who say the person will just gradually forget them are deluded as well as cowardly!

Even when I've been able to ask what happened - when someone tells you its over - I didn't get an answer ... We all obsess over why & then there comes a time when it doesn't matter any more :)

INeedNewShoes no but funnily enough his brother is called Andrew.

I think it's only natural to internalised and think it's something you have done to make them go off you within hours. It's soul destroying and my confidence in myself has taken a massive hit. But it is helping to come on here and talk about it... it's helping to get it out of my system so I can draw a line and move on.

How do you know he hasn't had an accident? Maybe he can't text/call?

Maybe he died??? :( Felll down the stairs Sunday morning, lay there with a broken neck, whispering your name, until the end.

When men vanished on me, I preferred to think of them as dead instead of happily walking about the place, laughing and full of life. I'm sure that says bad things about me as a person.

It will feel awful now but over time you'll start to think of it as a lucky escape. I'm glad the twat who ghosted me did so after three months and not after even longer. If I'd been even more invested than I already was I don't know how I would have picked up the pieces!

My getting over it was a bit delayed because due to his job it was a plausible possibility that he had been sent away at short notice and not able to tell me so I spent the first few weeks telling myself I'd eventually hear from him.

Due to him not living nearby I hadn't met any of his friends or family and he's not on Facebook and nor had I been to his house (he always came to my place or we meet in the middle) so I didn't even know for definite whether he was alive and well or whether something had happened to him (in hindsight it was weird that he never invited me to his place so I think he may have been a calculated tosser from the outset). It took a few months for me to accept I'd been ghosted and to start dealing with it.

I remember very clearly how I felt at the point I realised I'd been ghosted. It's horrid

Haha, well he has a ground floor flat so I doubt it.

You can't control someone's actions but you can control how you react and for me deleting his number and disappearing myself is the best thing to do. I'm speaking to him with my actions.

I know I didn't deserve that, I feel stupid as we shared a lot about our lives and for him to disappear as if I never existing or that he doesn't care is hurtful ... I can't forgive him for that.

Yes, good plan imo cestlavie

I had been facebook friends with the man who was planning to just ghost me (until I hid my number and rang him). I blocked him on FB. And then later on whatsapp. It prevented me from wondering if he'd ever come back to me with some sort of satisfactory apology or explanation. It was confusing and hurtful for about 72 hours but I think I moved on quicker because I removed all possibility of his ever contacting me again.

Talking about spidey senses! I think I knew that my ghoster-to-be had become quiet the days before his holiday, but how quickly do you confront somebody about being a ''bit quieter than usual''.

you're handling this perfectly (i do get what pp's are saying about "be reasonable and assume the other person is being reasonable", but i think that being on the dating scene gives one a different perspective?)

I kind of get the impression he is passive-aggressively "punishing" you for something and is maybe hoping the next communication will be you calling going "darling what have I done wrong? was it me?".

reckon your "spidey senses" saying that he wanted sex and that he was off as a result are probably spot on - he wants to play a power game.

It's a bit American but I think this blog post kind of sums up what he wants to do

you're behaving like a normal, thoughtful, person dating, he wants to manipulate you and have you chasing after him and thinking "what have I done wrong for him to behave this way".

Ideally, he wants a "relationship" which involves a woman being at his beck and call so she's going to drive over, meet his sexual needs, then disappear.

but the problem is his weirdness and lack of self-esteem, not yours.

but the problem is his weirdness and lack of self-esteem, not yours.

That is why I hid my number and rang the man who planned to ghost me. I felt better for it. Like the script was not me left sitting around passively wondering what happened there. I rang him and he knew I was the braver one. I was calm. He was bumbling. I felt so much better afterwards.

But it does depend. I was only able to make that call with such calmness and insouciance because I did not want him.

OP you're fab. I agree with PP, the way you're handling this is a masterclass in how to deal with being ghosted.

If he wants to text he knows where I am. Didn't stop him before, this. If he is still interested and he had lost his phone (which let's face it he hasn't, then he'd be even more determined to find a way of contacting you to make sure you realised he's still interested.

Tempting as it may be to do, I think calling/texting him to get an explanation or some kind of closure is pointless, if he was decent enough to have done that, he'd have done it instead of just disappearing. Him vanishing has given you your answer.

You've handled this in such a dignified manner. You're brilliant and you deserve someone who treats you much better than this arse has done.

It doesn't matter how often I read about this on MN, I am still shocked by ghosting. I'm late 40s and I don't ever remember this happening in my youth. People lost interest, sometimes they actively dumped me, sometimes they were off with me on the phone or in person, provoking a discussion, leading to a dumping. No one ever just vanished. It's absolutely outrageous.

Thanks EarlGrey I'm not feeling too great at the moment but I know I'm worthy of a great guy... not even sure they exist. I'm just a bit scared it will happen again

Mintychoc this is why I'm speechless with the situation because there was no indication he would do anything like that. It's like the last 3 months hasn't happened and he thinks I don't deserve an explanation

It's like the last 3 months hasn't happened and he thinks I don't deserve an explanation

You're trying to think rationally about this, and he isn't being rational. He is just burying his head in the sand and hoping the "issue" goes away.

op you missed a bullet there though so yes you should be HOPING that this happens to you again.

don't change your behaviour because your behaviour is a twat radar. twats don't like women with boundaries and normal social behaviour.

If being yourself is making passive aggressive weirdos with no social skills avoid you then you need to continue as you are.

surely the aim of dating is to build intimacy with normal men, not become the partner of someone passive aggressive and dishonest?

yes, I suppose you could have stayed the last night and done porny sex like a "cool girl" and he would have stayed in contact and you wouldn't be ghosted. but you want a proper man and a proper relationship.

women can end up in marriages whose husbands and partners sulk and give them the cold shoulder if they aren't continually up for five hour fifty shades of grey sessions. you don't want to end up with "that guy"

OP sorry you're going through this; it sucks and it hurts.

I am very glad you posted though- I am currently going through something similar and this thread has really helped. I was beginning to doubt myself.

I've been seeing a guy for 6 months but in the last month, I sensed he was withdrawing a bit. However he then suddenly blew hot and asked me round. It transpired it was merely a booty call which I didn't want. I texted back to say I couldn't make it due to kids etc and suggested another time and then.... Nothing, no contact for a week.

I was so anxious in this time, affected my sleep etc. I swung between thinking something awful had happened and that it was my fault and I'd offended him/ done something wrong.

It's good to hear these are normal reactions- I honestly thought I was being over dramatic/needy etc and it left me judging my mental state.

Wish I had handled it with as much dignity as you OP. I thought I needed closure so I texted him to call him on it and end things formally. However, I stupidly put in the text that if I had misunderstood his silence then it would be good to have a chat and work things out as I liked him
Of course I got an immediate reply saying 'thanks for some good times, goodbye' . I even stupidly sent another text after that! So no closure and feel humiliated as well as sad etc.

Oh dear. If I showed you the email I wrote to my ghoster you would be appalled! Dignity left? Not so much. I've learned my lesson though!

Well done OP for being less naive than me and cottoning on quickly to the fact he's a twat!

And I've only just got the 'Casper' reference so that seals it; I'm just a fool!

Clawdeen so sorry that happened to you. What you felt was totally normal. I've had a week of self doubt, anxiety, sleepless nights, thinking I've done something wrong, replaying our last night together... it's enough to turn you bonkers. All over some twat who couldn't be bothered to send a text to say he didn't want to see me anymore because of XYX..... see it's not worth it. But I am worth it and I'll keep repeating it to myself... you should too.

Bet you any money it wasn't that he couldn't be bothered, it was that he was too uncomfortable and too cowardly.

That much was clear to me when I rang my tried-to-ghost. He sounded so awkward, defensive (ie, guilty) and so uncomfortable and he was stumbling over his words.