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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

...and then he vanished

144 replies

CestLaVie1975 · 28/10/2016 16:54

Now I have had my fair share of dating experience but this has left me scratching my head thinking WTF!

I'm going to call him Casper. I met Casper 3 months ago on a night out, really unexpected. Anyway long story short we started dating. Saw him once or twice a week, daily texting.... the norm. I thought finally I'd met someone on the same page as me.

Anyway fast forward... weekend before last I saw him twice and during the week we were in contact every day as usual then last weekend came round and he text me to say did I want to come over Saturday to chill out. Sounded perfect to me so we spent a lovely night together, he asked if I was staying the night and I said no because I knew he had an early start on Sunday... no issues. I leave to go home he kissed me goodbye and said drive safely.

Last Sunday I didn't hear from him, which isn't unusual so I text him around 6pm and asked how his day went.... no response, really unusual for him. We are now on Friday and I haven't heard from him since.

Now I know I could text him or call but if I'm honest I'm not one to chase people down, if they want to contact you they will and up until Saturday he had no problem texting me.

I'm left here confused, thinking I've done something wrong but knowing I haven't. I think I've just been dating a coward who cannot communicate with me. Why invite me round on the Saturday if he knew he had reservations about us.

One I will put down to experience but again another guy has chipped away at my already delicate confidence and thinking I'm not good enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
CestLaVie1975 · 28/10/2016 18:44

Say what you want about me deleted his number I know I've done the right thing for me, people may think differently. From being in contact every day to nothing over night is weird and I have thought that something could have happened but I very much doubt it. He's doing a classic ghost

OP posts:
Original poster
CestLaVie1975 · 28/10/2016 18:46

Ive got a new phone and we've only used whatsapp since I got it.... number has well and truly gone

OP posts:
whatdoido1234 · 28/10/2016 18:51

Does he have any other way of getting in touch with you? email?

mumofone1234 · 28/10/2016 18:53

OP, you've done the right thing. The people telling you he's probably in a ditch etc clearly haven't dated for years. And if he is in ditch, then double-texting him will make no difference to the outcome of this. He has your first text. Do NOT go searching your call log Hmm. I don't think you will, anyway!

mumofone1234 · 28/10/2016 18:54

After three months I am sure he knows where OP lives, people!

Original poster
CestLaVie1975 · 28/10/2016 18:55

No, just mobile. He knows where I live too. I have thought of going round to his but I don't want to show up if I'm not wanted.

OP posts:
Hotwaterbottle1 · 28/10/2016 19:04

I'm more coming from the I'm too nosy not to have closure lol!

Original poster
CestLaVie1975 · 28/10/2016 19:06

I just think it will remain a mystery and filed under one of my many dating experiences. But this will not stop me from dusting myself off and getting back out there. His massive loss, I just hope he realises that one day .

OP posts:
exWifebeginsat40 · 28/10/2016 19:08

oh god no don't go round his house. dignified radio silence is the only way.

Original poster
CestLaVie1975 · 28/10/2016 19:08

I have to give myself closure otherwise I will always wonder.

Men do have a habit of reappearing so watch this space. I will let you know if he comes back

OP posts:
Original poster
CestLaVie1975 · 28/10/2016 19:09

Don't worry I won't turn up round his I've got far too much respect for myself

OP posts:
Waitingforsleep · 28/10/2016 22:28

I had this happen in my dating days! Spent 7 months with someone, we lived 2oo miles apart though. Last thing he ever said to me was that he loved me too
Much and I never heard from him again!
That was a hard one to take and even now 20years on I would still like to know what happened to him lol!

Cary2012 · 28/10/2016 22:34

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, but you're handling it admirably. You're way too classy for him.

ThePinkOcelot · 28/10/2016 22:39

It's not just 1 missed text though is it?! He hasn't responded for nearly a week!
Anyway OP. I think you have done the right thing. Certainly his loss!

nataliemej · 28/10/2016 22:42

as petty as it sounds I would of deleted his number too so your not tempted to text or obsess over his whatsapp status, I hate to say it but it sounds to me like you were abit of a fling to him and now he's had his fun he's either decided not to take it any further or he's ignored you cos he's back with his ex and doesn't want her finding out about you
Don't contact him, save your pride, once you start ignoring a man after so long they pop back up in your life and you can turn the tables round and tell them to do one
It's very cowardly what he's done at his age as well, sounds like a teenagers trick, if that's what sort of 'man' he is then your better off without him, let it go and move on it might hurt for now but trust me it won't hurt forever

pklme · 28/10/2016 22:48

How does everyone know he hasn't lost phone, got flu etc?

nataliemej · 28/10/2016 22:52

If he really wanted to contact her even without a phone he would, I've had the flue before you can still pick up a phone, OP do either of you have social media and you could check if he's been online

riceuten · 28/10/2016 22:54

He's met someone else, there's no easy way of saying it. He wants out and wants to take the coward's way out.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, put it down to experience, and move on.

Threepineapples · 28/10/2016 23:02

Turn it round the other way, if he hadn't received your last text, he'd think he hadn't heard from you and would have texted by now - after all you could have flu / have lost his number too.

Unfortunately it's not unusual, it happened to me after 7 months and of course he reappeared again (5 months later) with no apology or explanation.

Sorry to hear it's happened to you too OP, you've done the right thing I think.

lightcola · 28/10/2016 23:10

Well done girl. You wash that man out of your hair. Men expect us to go crazy on them, so when we find they always come sniffing back. Better to be the one who appeared to be not bothered I say. He will always remember you as that and wonder "what if".

BubblingUp · 29/10/2016 00:18

It happened to my female cousin and they were dating for years and engaged. The dude just ghosted, suddenly and without warning, just like the OP. My cousin didn't chase him down. He never contacted her. She ran into him years late at a restaurant. He got up and left the restaurant. She doesn't know what happened.

mumofone1234 · 29/10/2016 00:32

bubbling Shock

JoJoSM2 · 29/10/2016 00:39

What a loser... Sorry and it's definitely better to be rid of him...

Howlongtilldinner · 29/10/2016 01:01

How dignified of you! Personally I would not contact him, you've done nothing wrong so it's down to him.

At 41 I would have had enough of 'playing games' so give yourself a break and get on with your life. There may be a trillion reasons for his lack of communication, but not one of them is a good enough excuse.

If he surfaces then it's your call but until then, carry on with your life. It isn't meant to be stressfulSad

DamePastel · 29/10/2016 01:12

Sympathies cestlavie I knew this sort of thing happened after a few dates but I dated a guy I met in May and all was well until just before he went on holiday in August. Then he withdrew and I didn't hear from him while he was on holiday. You have been commended for not contacting him but I put the withdraw number before his number and rang him at work. He said ''who's this?''. That's how quickly he'd moved on! After 8 weeks, it took a ten day holiday to erase me. So I calmly said my name, and he said 'ah, listen, i was going to ring you tomorrow can I call you back'' and I said 'no, I've spent long enough deciphering silence'' and I just told him that I was ringing to formally end things because I was brave enough. I told him I regretted it (the fling) as obviously he wasn't who I thought he was. He was annoyed by that. His position was defensive. His prerogative to change his mind but I am glad I rang him. I felt like less of a coward than him. It was an admin call and it drew a line under things. I felt better after the call, or at least, I did, until he texted 48 hours later with some sort of ''respect my right to be fickle'' text. I just regret it so much.