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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

...and then he vanished

144 replies

CestLaVie1975 · 28/10/2016 16:54

Now I have had my fair share of dating experience but this has left me scratching my head thinking WTF!

I'm going to call him Casper. I met Casper 3 months ago on a night out, really unexpected. Anyway long story short we started dating. Saw him once or twice a week, daily texting.... the norm. I thought finally I'd met someone on the same page as me.

Anyway fast forward... weekend before last I saw him twice and during the week we were in contact every day as usual then last weekend came round and he text me to say did I want to come over Saturday to chill out. Sounded perfect to me so we spent a lovely night together, he asked if I was staying the night and I said no because I knew he had an early start on Sunday... no issues. I leave to go home he kissed me goodbye and said drive safely.

Last Sunday I didn't hear from him, which isn't unusual so I text him around 6pm and asked how his day went.... no response, really unusual for him. We are now on Friday and I haven't heard from him since.

Now I know I could text him or call but if I'm honest I'm not one to chase people down, if they want to contact you they will and up until Saturday he had no problem texting me.

I'm left here confused, thinking I've done something wrong but knowing I haven't. I think I've just been dating a coward who cannot communicate with me. Why invite me round on the Saturday if he knew he had reservations about us.

One I will put down to experience but again another guy has chipped away at my already delicate confidence and thinking I'm not good enough.

OP posts:
WhisperingLoudly · 30/10/2016 09:21

Whilst I think you're doing the right thing it makes me so cross that men get to behave in this pathetic, cowardly, childish manner and as women we dare not call them on their appalling behaviour for fear of being called undignified/unhinged/crazy/bunny boiler or any other myriad derogatory descriptions.

He's an adult man in a sexual relationship, if he is so immature as to be unable to end said relationship in a respectful manner he really has no business faking being a grownup.

Sorry you're going through this OP.

Original poster
CestLaVie1975 · 30/10/2016 09:22

The funny thing was he always said he was an honest and upfront person!

I'm done with it, I've given myself closure. I've woken up today feeling good. I spent a lovely 3 months with someone, I wouldn't change that I just wanted bit more respect then what he gave me in the end.

OP posts:
advancetogo · 30/10/2016 09:23

Great attitude OP!

DamePastel · 30/10/2016 09:28

Well I did, I dared.

But I wouldn't have done it if I'd wanted him back. I wouldn't have been able to stay calm. The genuine hurt would have come across as ''cray cray'' in a ghost's eyes.

It's weird how men/people self-identify though. The man who tried to ghost me, he had told me he was a good man (quite early on) and I believed it. Ha ha. But I believed it because he believed it. Now I know that people are so deluded that they rationalise their crappy behaviour so a self-appraisal is worthless. What I should have listened to was the fact that his two exes hated him!!! THAT spoke volumes, two women who knew him much better than I did hated him and yet he still believed with conviction that he was a good man.

I did learn something from that experience.

ocelot7 · 30/10/2016 09:32

Clawdeen I think its good to call people on this behaviour so well done you! :) perhaps the next woman in his life will benefit from him rea!using how cowardly he was.

DamePastel · 30/10/2016 09:33

cestlavie I bet he still believes it!

My ghost used to telll me that women were more complicated than men which I disagreed with at the time anyway.

It is very hard to know what to do next. If I get involved with somebody again I will have to think, what can I do differently to protect myself? Put more space in between dates. Wait longer before making it a sexual relationship (just to protect myself). Or make sure that they have introduced me to some of their friends before 'stepping in' in that way?

Original poster
CestLaVie1975 · 30/10/2016 09:35

The easiest answer is when the right person comes along you won't have to think that way, it will be easy and fall into place. Well that's what I like to believe

OP posts:
advancetogo · 30/10/2016 09:36

he had told me he was a good man (quite early on)

This would be a red flag to me TBH. Genuinely good folk tend not to self congratulate in this way IMO.

advancetogo · 30/10/2016 09:39

I also once dated a man who said something similar and like you Dame, I believed him.

Now I listen to their actions over words.

dangerrabbit · 30/10/2016 09:51

Good for you OP. I think you've handled this situation with dignity and class.

Clawdeen · 30/10/2016 10:07

ocelot I would have felt better calling him on his behaviour if I hadn't then sent him another desperate text telling him that he wasn't thoughtless and it was my issue for not being able to handle inconsistency BlushBlushBlush

Am so glad OP that you've woken up feeling better and that you feel you have closure. A great attitude to be able to look positively at your time together.

I need to get to that state. I'm still in the adrenalised, replaying, over analysing, what did I do wrong, why did I let him treat me so badly stage. Hopefully with the kids back at school tomorrow, I can get back into some sort of routine and move on. I know he won't be giving me a moment's thought so I'm annoying myself that I've given him and continue to give him some headspace.

Agree with pp who said she wouldn't sleep with someone so quickly in future. Definitely applies in my case. I wasn't that fussed with him at the start but the sex was mind blowing, reeled me in and definitely clouded my judgement to some pretty shoddy behaviour.

Very nervous about getting out dating again. I've learnt lessons from this but not sure I'll be able to avoid a ghoster again- seems so prevalent Sad

DamePastel · 30/10/2016 11:02

I think, next time I go out with somebody I'll be honest and say that the last two internet dates ended it with me, one who took me out to the cinema to end it because we'd no connection and he had integrity and I think well of him now. The second was an awkward coward.

Give the next one something to live up to when he dumps me!

Movingout · 30/10/2016 13:04

Can I join? The same thing has happened to me. First person I met after a 20 year marriage and we saw each other for over a year. It was fairly casual as we weren't local to each other and there was a bit of a history of him ghosting in the early days but he always got back in touch and things continued. We had a lovely holiday over the summer and things moved up a notch, or so I thought. Then, nothing from two phone calls a day to nothing. No row and no obvious reason. I played it cool and didn't contact him for 3 weeks but stupidly felt myself spiralling into despair and called him. It was awkward and we didn't really discuss 'the elephant in the room', but making that call gave me some closure and temporarily made me feel better. I'm now back to how I felt a month ago and I've made things worse by sleeping with somebody else (the best way to get over somebody is get under somebody and all that). We went out a few times before DTD but, guess what he's also disappeared, I'm not too bothered about him as such except it's really made me think about ghost no. 1 and worse than that has made feel like some sort of undateable freak. I'm a normal and am told attractive person but I feel like such a complete loser.

advancetogo · 30/10/2016 13:15

movingout sorry to hear about your recent bad experiences. Yes, there are a LOT of frogs about and you've had the misfortune to have kissed two in succession.

It's a cliche but it really does boil down to loving yourself first. What advice would you have given a dear friend? I'm guessing something along the lines of "what a arrogant and immature loser. He didn't deserve someone as amazing as you, and is not worthy of another moment of energy from you. Leave that dead weight behind, he doesn't deserve a second thought "

Be kind to yourself Flowers

DamePastel · 30/10/2016 13:31

I love myself and it still happened to me. Twice! In 2016.
im done for 2016.
not sure about 2017

DamePastel · 30/10/2016 13:33

There are a lot of avo8dants in the dating pool though so i know it is not me etc.

ocelot7 · 30/10/2016 13:46

Agree Pastel lots of men in the dating pool not really capable of sustaining a relationship... it is def the ghoster's issue!

Clawdeen I've sent messages I was ashamed of... I've previously spent far too long appealing to a good side that wasn't there Blush but we live & learn :)

ChasedByBees · 30/10/2016 14:03

Are you absolutely sure he's not ill / injured? I'd have to check.

Movingout · 30/10/2016 14:52

I think it's safe to say that if he was ill or injured he/or somebody on his behalf would have been in touch.

toastytoastbear · 30/10/2016 15:01

I feel like this thread should go in classics as a shining example of how to respond to a dickhead

Movingout · 30/10/2016 15:02

I'm always amazed at my own double standards. If a female friend, albeit a new one, treated me like this I would be livid and rightly so, expect an explanation. Why, when it comes to men does it just make me physically sick and impact my life so negatively? I've only ever heard of ghosting on mumsnet, it deserves a lot more bad publicity.

Original poster
CestLaVie1975 · 30/10/2016 17:12

Movingout I'm so sorry that happened to you. Please believe it's nothing you've done you've just had the unfortunate experience of a complete bellend. I'm 41 and could probably write a book with all the dating experience I've had. I'm still standing and still smiling because I deserve to be happy and no man should ever make you feel otherwise. It's taken me a long time to get to this point and sound so positive. I just know I've got my own back will always put me first in this circumstances. The guy who ghosted me, well its a massive reflection of the kind of person he is, I know I did nothing to make him do that, I've let him go and get on with it. My silence to him speaks volumes. Seriously if he thinks he can do better than me then he can go ahead because I will find someone better than him in time.

Personally with you and it's exactly what I'm doing now, I would take a complete break from dating and as best you can focus on you. It will be hard at first but will become easier in time. I've just come back from a lunch with my mate, I had a couple glasses of wine, a great catch up and some laughs. I did it for me and I didn't think about my arsewipe once. I'm now back at home and I'm going to watch crap tv and maybe read my book.... all about me. I'm diverted my thoughts of him to other things. It's practice but you get there

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 30/10/2016 17:37

A boyfriend did this to me. To be honest looking back I could see some clues as things weren't great but he had invited me over the night before he went on holiday, quite close to my bloody birthday and then literally I never heard from him again. I had no way of knowing if he was ok but I had things at his house so after a month I just text saying please put my stuff outside on x day and I will collect it, he never replied when I got there it was pissing down but the stuff was there so it was intentional. Unfortunately I saw him 2 years later - on my birthday and due to this I was angry and had it out with him. He didn't have much to say for himself. Since then there have been a few more incidents with him which have shown him to be a bloody horrible person and I now try to avoid him where possible

I wish I had kept my dignity instead of getting angry!

Fiddle1964 · 30/10/2016 18:25

ineednewshoes i was ghosted by an Andrew after 3-4 months :-( i was naive and it devastated me.

very poor behaviour i'm older and wiser now :-(

Movingout · 30/10/2016 19:09

Thank you for your message Cest. I'm older than you and my ghost is not far off 60, perhaps some men never grow up? I'm definitely taking a break from dating, no one can live up to my 5ft 6", overweight dreamboat!!! I'm pleased to hear you're moving forward, you sound like a catch to me, his loss. By the time he comes crawling back (and he will) you'll be in such a good place and you'll be able to tell him exactly where to go. Ghosting is a form of abuse though, it should be more talked about.