What has happened to my exh?

[LittleMissFour]

Have NC’d for this as don’t want to be outed.

I feel like I am in a bit of a dilemma. Have 2 DC with exh. Been divorced 2 years now after a bitter and messy divorce (he left me for OW). After months and months of not agreeing on custody and access we finally had a court ordered arrangement put in place in May this year for him to have our dc from school pick up every Friday and returned to me 6pm on a Saturday each week.

All seemed to be going well for the first couple of months. Gradually over the summer though he would get his mother to return the dc on Saturday instead of him. I know that he takes the dc to see his mother on a Saturday for tea as she is on her own since ex FIL died a few years ago so I know she is quite lonely and loves spending time with the gc.

After about the third week in a row I text exh to ask if all was ok as he had not been dropping dc off. I had no reply. I sent an email the following week when his dm dropped them off, again no reply. I have tried to ask exmil if all is ok and why she is now dropping the dc back and not exh and she just replies that ‘he is busy’ or ‘it makes sense for me to drop them’ (admittedly she does live closer to me than exdh – but only 10 mins less across town.

Exh had the dc for a week in the summer holidays and again, exmil dropped them back. That was the last time exh has seen our dc!

The week after I had a call from exmil to say that exh was unwell and that she would pick the dc up from school and that they would stay overnight at her house as he was too unwell to have them. This happened again the following week. I questioned exmil the second week as to what was up with exh but she just apologised and said that she didn’t want to get stick in the middle and that exh would not want her knowing about his business!

In advance of the following weekend, when I hadn’t heard from exmil I text exh on the Thursday and asked him if he was feeling better and would be having dc that weekend. No reply.

He didn’t show up at the school to collect the dc on the Friday. I tried to call him but he didn’t pick up. I emailed him. no reply. I rang his mother but turned out she was away that weekend and didn’t know anything about exh not showing up at the school.

That was 6 weeks ago now! Exh’s phone has now been disconnected and my emails to him bounce back. The dc have now not had any contact from their father since early August. And have not done any overnights at exmil’s since beginning of September.

I paid for a solicitor to write a letter to exh last month, but that has not been responded to. Exmil has been in touch every other Saturday and has asked to see the dc, I have taken the dc round there a few times for the afternoon but I am now starting to resent that as I can’t seem to get any answers off of exmil as to what the fuck is going on with my twat of an exh! She just keeps spouting off the same crap that she doesn’t want to get involved, that he won’t want her to tell me all his business etc.

I am now livid. My dc have been hurt enough through our divorce and they are missing their dad terribly! They are 7 and 9 and getting very withdrawn and angry.

Selfishly I am suffering too. I started a new relationship 18 months ago and took it really slow to start with, this summer we have got closer and had our first family holiday together, me and my dc with him and his ds. It was all going to well and we had started to talk about him moving in with us at some point in the future. Since all this with exh has been going on my dp has really distanced himself from me. He has been vocal about missing our ‘us time’ on a Friday night / Saturday. We now have very little time together just us. I also think he has been struggling with my dc’s behaviour since all this has been going on.

Help, what can I do? Can I force exh back to court and make him keep his arrangements? Should I keep letting exmil see the dc adhoc? How can I save my relationship with dp? Sorry for the long post, I’m just so angry and frustrated.

You have to wonder about my experiences?
When I was 18 I had a one night stand and fell pregnant. I went through the pregnancy alone. He is almost 12 and his dad has never seen him and sporadically pays maintenance. His now wife has made my life miserable to the point of needing police involvement.
When he was a baby I met my now exH and had our son. I had 2 under 2, and when I was pregnant was when the beatings and rape started. It wasn't until he beat me while I was holding our son that I plucked up the courage to go.
I have never had maintenance for him and he understandably isn't allowed contact.
Both my boys are SEN. One particularly complex.
I brought both boys up alone for 6 years, with no maintenance or time off for contact etc.
So don't tell me about experiences. I have lived it, never once have I lived beyond my means enough that I could only get by with relying on maintenance. You cut your cloth. That's what you do! I've lived on bread and jam so my kids can have a healthy decent meal and school trips.
So yeah, while I now have a great Dp, who treats them as his own, I have been through it. I still think OP is wrong.

Hiphopopotamus, Fontella, Agatha: you all seem to be working on the assumption that OP's ex had a choice about what he has done. If he has had a major breakdown, that isn't the case. His illness has prevented him having contact and has taken away his income meaning he couldn't pay maintenance. You wouldn't be saying what a bastard he is if all of that had happened as a result of something like a stroke. I fully appreciate that it's not proved, but it's not disproved either - and on the face of it it's unlikely he would have just decided to drop contact having spent so much time, effort and money establishing his right to it.

It's ridiculous to compare the situation with "single mothers with depression." A breakdown isn't the same as depression, and single mothers with severe depression and/or breakdowns don't "carry the fuck on" because they physically can't.

Completely agree with Fontella. Op you have every right to feel the way you do, but not sure there's anything you can do about it. Hopefully he'll get better and go back to work and go back to how he was.

However, I would rethink your relationship with your dp.

But Wouldhave having a major breakdown doesn't absolve one from all responsibility towards ones children surely? I understand if the OP's ex felt unable to care for or see his children for the time being but it's unforgiveable to just drop out of their lives with no explanation. Not even an email from his current wife or mother as to his situation? Two of my very good friends have had total breakdowns that have impacted on their ability to parent - but not to this extent. It's never OK to leave a co-parent so utterly in the lurch in this way surely? No-ones suggesting he's done this on purpose or would have chosen this situation but no illness, physical or mental absolves you of all your parental responsibilities just like that.

I remember this thread when you first posted and my first thought that he was having some sort of mental health crisis. There's still so much stigma around mental health; the way you described his mother not wanting to talk about it, was an indication.

As difficult as it is for you and the children, he's going through a very difficult time himself. It probably wouldn't have been appropriate for him to be seeing the children whilst ill, for them or him. Personally, as angry with him as you are, I think you need to cut him some slack as this really isn't his fault.

I agree with fontella. I'd be
Angry too
When Form

I also agree with fontella op and her dcs have been treated appallingly.

But Wouldhave having a major breakdown doesn't absolve one from all responsibility towards ones children surely?

Try putting that in different wording. "Being paralysed after a major stroke doesn't absolve one from all responsibility towards one's children, surely?" Do you think that works?

Sure, ideally his mother or wife would have said something, but if they don't that's not his fault; and it wouldn't help OP as he still wouldn't be seeing the children or be able to pay maintenance.

The thing is that there is no way of knowing just how incapacitated he may be. Perhaps he's been sectioned and therefore not in a position to have been in touch.

The OP is right to be angry about not actually knowing what' showing on, but her MIL is just as responsible for that

Thing is, we're all speculating but he could have become psychotic and been sectioned. In that state, he really wouldn't be capable of communicating with his ex.and his mother could've been trying to protect him or be ashamed/embarrassed/afraid and not known what to say.

Maybe that didn't happen but maybe it did or something like it. Breakdowns are incredibly debilitating.

Anyway, as I said, none of us know, it's all speculation until you find out more.

I questioned exmil the second week as to what was up with exh but she just apologised and said that she didn’t want to get stick in the middle and that exh would not want her knowing about his business!

This Wouldhave - the ex has gone out of his way to keep information from his children's mother. That's ridiculous behaviour and wouldn't have happened if it had been a stroke. The OP's mother in law would have told her - as she would have here if she didn't know it was against her son's wishes. You don't get to behave this way to the woman raising your kids. No matter what's happened between you before this.

I feel for you OP. I think his wife should pay his share of child support if he is unable because sharing responsibilities is what marriage is about. You shouldn't be able to cherry pick the bits you want and ignore the rest. This is esp true of spouses who have had a hand in the break up of the original family.

Agatha, that's MiL's initiative - there's nothing saying he asked her to keep quiet. She might well not have wanted to say something out of a misplaced sense of shame about mental illness. As pointed out, it's all speculation.

I feel for you OP. I think his wife should pay his share of child support if he is unable because sharing responsibilities is what marriage is about.

Really? If you married someone with children who lost his job, would you feel that your earnings should go to maintaining his children - even if it meant your own children going without, or that you couldn't have children of your own?

And I don't think the OP should get a pasting for thinking about how much better her financial situation would be if he died. It's probably a natural thought when you are suffering financially because of someone else's behaviour. Her h fucked off with ow and then stopped seeing the dc and stopped financially supporting them. The reasons for this appear to have been hidden from her by everyone who had a responsibility to keep her informed, so of course she is angry.

I agree with others, if he's disappeared that much I think he's in prison.

Is this likely?

If I married a man who had children ( esp if I was in part responsible for the break up of their family), then yes I would consider I had a responsibility to financially help them if he couldn't. If I'm honest then of course I would put my own children first because that is natural, but from an objective viewpoint my husband's children are as entitled to support as mine.
Really it is not so different from what happens when kids go to uni and the household income is assessed to determine the level of state help available, regardless of whether the household income is earned by parents or step parents. The family is expected to top up the child's income

And I also ferl very strongly that existing dc take priority over hypothetical future children. If a couple cannot meet their obligations to the children who are already born then they have no business creating more. People who are not willing to prioritise existing dc shouldn't marry people who have them!

But you're missing the point re his mother WouldHave - its his job to make sure she spoke to the OP about his situation. He should have made it clear to his mother to explain if he felt unable to do so himself. The only reason she would feel awkward if is he'd told her not to say anything or hadn't mentioned it all. Either of these options are just plain wrong. Do you have children? Can you honestly imagine any reason that would make it ok for you to disappear from their lives with literally no explanation? It's not about mental or physical illness - its just about doing the right thing by your children, and by their mother.

Everything Fontella said, on previous page I agree with. A pasting was not deserved

What kind of a man - ill or not - cuts contact with his DC without any notice? And even if he was ill, what kind of OW thinks 'do you know what, fuck my DH's ex and his kids, I won't bother telling her why we've cut contact' - don't even get me started on the MIL

There are many people at fault in this situation

OP - I do however agree with the PP in that I think your DP needs to take some of the strain here or fuck off to be quite honest. You also have to get over the OW's finances. They are not your concern. You have every right to be worried though, and every right to be upset about this situation

I think you need to speak your ExMIL and say you have to go through legal. The access is agreed with the father not grandparents - what if something happened to children- who is legally responsible during this time? It's a horrible situation. He might be seriously ill and you can not support your children if he is...

If my mil deliberately kept this info from me and my dc, she would be going nowhere near my dc. Access is for the father - the grandparents cannot just take over without a by your leave.

I completely agree with Fontella and to go even further, I think Little would be right to be suspicious. I was a teacher for many, many years. Under long existing guidelines commonly referred to as the "Burgundy Book", teachers are/were entitled to 20 weeks at full pay and then 20 weeks at half pay sick leave entitlement per year once they had completed 4 years of continuous service. One of the reasons why I know this is because I had an extended period of sick leave due to depression. The illness is rife within the profession.

It could be that he has been ill and off sick for over 9 months, hence the SSP. It could be that he doesn't have any real length of service. Or his new school is an Academy that doesn't adhere to the "Burgundy Book" rules.

But if he is a long serving teacher in a local authority controlled school, chances are he has a decent sick pay package. So yes, I would be pushing for proof of his earnings.

I dont think the OP is being nasty or horrible. I think she's just honest enough to voice what others would think if the found themselves in then same circumstances whilst playing lip service to saying the right thing.

But you're missing the point re his mother WouldHave - its his job to make sure she spoke to the OP about his situation.

But how can he do that if he's mentally incapacitated or even sectioned?

The only reason she would feel awkward if is he'd told her not to say anything or hadn't mentioned it all.

No it isn't. All too many people think there's a stigma around mental illness.

Do you have children? Can you honestly imagine any reason that would make it ok for you to disappear from their lives with literally no explanation? It's not about mental or physical illness - its just about doing the right thing by your children, and by their mother.

Yes, I do have children, and yes, I can imagine a reason: if I'd suddenly been struck down with an illness that rendered it impossible for me to contact or communicate with them. I really don't understand why pp on here think that that can't happen.