What has happened to my exh?

[LittleMissFour]

Have NC’d for this as don’t want to be outed.

I feel like I am in a bit of a dilemma. Have 2 DC with exh. Been divorced 2 years now after a bitter and messy divorce (he left me for OW). After months and months of not agreeing on custody and access we finally had a court ordered arrangement put in place in May this year for him to have our dc from school pick up every Friday and returned to me 6pm on a Saturday each week.

All seemed to be going well for the first couple of months. Gradually over the summer though he would get his mother to return the dc on Saturday instead of him. I know that he takes the dc to see his mother on a Saturday for tea as she is on her own since ex FIL died a few years ago so I know she is quite lonely and loves spending time with the gc.

After about the third week in a row I text exh to ask if all was ok as he had not been dropping dc off. I had no reply. I sent an email the following week when his dm dropped them off, again no reply. I have tried to ask exmil if all is ok and why she is now dropping the dc back and not exh and she just replies that ‘he is busy’ or ‘it makes sense for me to drop them’ (admittedly she does live closer to me than exdh – but only 10 mins less across town.

Exh had the dc for a week in the summer holidays and again, exmil dropped them back. That was the last time exh has seen our dc!

The week after I had a call from exmil to say that exh was unwell and that she would pick the dc up from school and that they would stay overnight at her house as he was too unwell to have them. This happened again the following week. I questioned exmil the second week as to what was up with exh but she just apologised and said that she didn’t want to get stick in the middle and that exh would not want her knowing about his business!

In advance of the following weekend, when I hadn’t heard from exmil I text exh on the Thursday and asked him if he was feeling better and would be having dc that weekend. No reply.

He didn’t show up at the school to collect the dc on the Friday. I tried to call him but he didn’t pick up. I emailed him. no reply. I rang his mother but turned out she was away that weekend and didn’t know anything about exh not showing up at the school.

That was 6 weeks ago now! Exh’s phone has now been disconnected and my emails to him bounce back. The dc have now not had any contact from their father since early August. And have not done any overnights at exmil’s since beginning of September.

I paid for a solicitor to write a letter to exh last month, but that has not been responded to. Exmil has been in touch every other Saturday and has asked to see the dc, I have taken the dc round there a few times for the afternoon but I am now starting to resent that as I can’t seem to get any answers off of exmil as to what the fuck is going on with my twat of an exh! She just keeps spouting off the same crap that she doesn’t want to get involved, that he won’t want her to tell me all his business etc.

I am now livid. My dc have been hurt enough through our divorce and they are missing their dad terribly! They are 7 and 9 and getting very withdrawn and angry.

Selfishly I am suffering too. I started a new relationship 18 months ago and took it really slow to start with, this summer we have got closer and had our first family holiday together, me and my dc with him and his ds. It was all going to well and we had started to talk about him moving in with us at some point in the future. Since all this with exh has been going on my dp has really distanced himself from me. He has been vocal about missing our ‘us time’ on a Friday night / Saturday. We now have very little time together just us. I also think he has been struggling with my dc’s behaviour since all this has been going on.

Help, what can I do? Can I force exh back to court and make him keep his arrangements? Should I keep letting exmil see the dc adhoc? How can I save my relationship with dp? Sorry for the long post, I’m just so angry and frustrated.

You can't rely on getting maintenance. My exH hasn't paid a penny in 8 years! Not even the 2.50 a week I was entitled to when he was on jobseekers and by the time it went through he would get a job for 2 weeks and leave again. How he does it I don't know. Or he just goes cash in hand. I have scraped the barrel at times, but at the end of the day you should always have done your household budget not including it. There's never a guarantee it's going to be regular. Yes it's shit that it's Christmas, this is why I save a bit through the year. But if the blokes had a breakdown it's hardly his fault!

So you want his £88 a week?

Stop focusing on what his wife has, it's not relevant

He's not going to give you all his money, why on earth should he?! What his wife has or hasn't got is of no concern to you. It's her money. They aren't her kids, you can't expect her to support them, especially if they aren't having contact.
It's not all about money. You also have a partner, if it's ok for your ex's wife to support the kids and she's such a band person if she isn't, how come your DP isn't putting his hand in his pocket and supporting your kids? It's exactly the same.

His wife not having a mortgage and earning a good salary is nothing to do with you or your children. You sound like a nightmare ex.

Bad person even, not band. Stupid phone.

• Could you sell the house to release your share of the equity? Are you in a position to move in with your DP?

If i sold the house I would have about 100k equity after giving exh his share. On my salary alone i would only be able to get a mortgage of 32k! That would barely buy me a one bed flat round here :(

Dp lives about 40 mins drive away. I don't want to move areas as dc are so settled in school and anyway, he lived in a rented 2 bed flat and has his ds over eow so there would be no room for us.

I don't think dp wants to get a mortgage with me either. He says its too soon to financially commit. I know he feels a bit dis-trusting after he relationship with his exp broke down.

Even with his salary we would only be able to afford a mortgage on a 2 bed place around here, which would make it a bit cramped when his ds came to stay.

• You also have a partner, if it's ok for your ex's wife to support the kids and she's such a band person if she isn't, how come your DP isn't putting his hand in his pocket and supporting your kids? It's exactly the same.

Because my dp is not married to me so is therefore not financially responsible for me and my dc surely? Of course he contributes, buys dinner for us when he comes to stay, pays for ice creams etc when we go out for the day. I thought that when you get married your finances become joint? As should your debts / responsibilities surely?

You need to leave his current wife out of your thinking because your bitterness towards her is making you come across incredibly unhinged.

She is not responsible for your DC any more than your own partner is. The partner who doesn't exactly sound like a prize catch.

He is not in a position to pay you at the moment. Yes, it's shit. But it being shit doesn't change this fact, so you need to find ways to manage without him and his money for the time being. The £70k is rightly his as you are still living in the marital home. It's not unreasonable for the consent order to stipulate that if you marry or cohabit this arrangement would change. I have a similar arrangement with my eXH WRT spousal maintenance. Yes it makes moving on more difficult but realistically, why should he support your marriage or cohabitation to someone else?

And you can't think of it as having to give him £70k. By law that money is his, it's not yours to have to give to him.

Your ex's wife isn't married to you either. So by your logic has no responsibility for your DC. A wedding certificate is not an adoption certificate.

So your partner doesn't want to live with you or buy a house with you, you, but wants you to get rid of the kids on occasion so you can spend time together. TBH I would focus less on the issues with your ex and put some headspace into getting rid of this twat.

I think you actually are feeling this torn because your DP's pressure on you to ship the kids out to your ex etc is making you feel insecure about your relationship with him. You know this relationship has no future, but you are focusing on your ex as being responsible for your inability to move on because you don't want to think about the alternative - i.e. That you're in a crap relationship with someone who will never put you or your children first.

I'm going to try to be 'diplomatic'.

First your 'd'P needs to fuck off and shut the hell up. This situation is none of his business. OK, that wasn't very diplomatic. I'll try harder.

OP, I don't know if you've ever been around someone who has had a breakdown. I have. I've seen that person lying in a fetal position sobbing. I've seen them paralyzed and unable to decide whether or not to have a second cup of coffee. I've seen them lose the will to live to the point where we were afraid to leave them on their own. We were afraid to get up in the morning for fear of what might have happened during the night. If you had ever experienced this you might have a bit more sympathy. One doesn't have a breakdown and then just buck up and get on with shit. It took a year of counseling and support before he was able to return to work.

Would you be so 'angry that he is ill' if instead of a breakdown he was unable to support them if he had cancer, MND, or had become a paraplegic? Life deals us all grief at times. Maybe you should just be thankful that it isn't you who has suffered a breakdown!

And so his wife (apparently) comes from money. So what? Doesn't sound as if that money has kept her husband from a breakdown, does it? I'm sure she's not jumping up and down with glee at her bank balance.

Maybe you should ask for some extra hours at work. You do work, don't you?

At least id he died WannaBe, then his life insurance would pay off the mortgage!

That's a pretty ugly thing to say, given the circumstances.

I have looked up ssp and he should be getting £88 a week

Only for 28 weeks. As this has been going on for some time, that may have either come to an end, or be about to come to an end.

Seriously, you have to forget about his wife and her income. She has no liability to maintain your children. You also need to tell your partner to back off about going to court, as it will achieve nothing and will mean wasting your money - even if you don't get solicitors, there will be court fees to pay. Unless you have good solid evidence that he's not ill (and being seen in Sainsbury's isn't evidence of that) then I think that for immediate purposes you need to assume that for the moment he is out of the picture and start thinking about sorting out the future without him.

I thought that when you get married your finances become joint? As should your debts / responsibilities surely?

I'm sorry, but this is simply not the case. You really have to get it into your head that your ex's wife has no responsibility whatsoever to maintain your children.

no-one seems to have behaved as shoddily as you think they have

Really? The Op's ex has just cut all contact, not just with her but with their children, and has stopped paying maintenance. And that's not shoddy? Because no bloke has ever packed a job in so they don't have to pay maintenance especially one with a wife who can support him. Nope, that virtually never happens

I think you've undeservedly had a pasting on here OP. Regardless of whether he's paying maintenance or not, to just disappear from his kids lives like that fucking stinks.

Thanks TheHiphopopotamus. I was beginning to think i was being unreasonble feeling angry and scared for mine and my dc future.

Fwiw yes I do work, I work school hours, so can't up my hours without incurring childcare costs.

Obviously I know that exh's wife isn't legally obliged to provide for our dc, its more of a moral thing I guess - like why doesn't don't either of them care? He fought me for custody and imposed his OW onto our dc, for what? He got what he wanted and now clearly him and his wife do not care about the dc. They have just been abandoned, emotionally and financially.

Unless you find out to the contrary HE IS ILL, he hasn't chosen this, he hasn't just fucked off without a backward glance - HE IS ILL

I can understand why you're upset! He hasn't seen the children nor had any contact with them for months and months. They are upset, confused and hurt. And you're left to pick up the pieces and manage their distress.

There is NO excuse for that - not even depression. I've first hand experience of the devastating realities of depression and I know how crippling it can be - but he could have asked his mother or wife to pass on a message to the children via you. Not for your benefit but for the sake of his children.

Him having an affair and leaving you, the new wife not having a mortgage, the mother-in-law failing to give you any information and the massive drop in maintenance give context to the situation but they're all red herrings really. Him dropping his children without a word and the emotional fallout for them is the real cause of your anger I'm sure.

But I still think your boyfriend sounds like one to avoid. Bin him!

This happened to my xh. He had depression, stopped working and then committed suicide just 9 months later.

I didn't know any of this as he had stopped contact with my children 2 yrs before. This was obviously the first sign that something was very wrong but he has always had huge mood swings so I just silently accepted it.

Don't push him. Leave him alone and teach your children to depend on you rather than him. It's probably best that they keep a distance from such an unstable parent.

If his wife should provide for the kids why can't your partner? You seem to be excusing his shitty behaviour and angry at someone who's had a breakdown when it should be the other way around. Your posts are centred around your partner being upset and his feelings in this situation when the only people who should matter are the kids. Your ex should never have stopped seeing the kids though or at least made you aware of situation

I think you've undeservedly had a pasting on here OP.

Too fucking right! I don't think I've ever read as much crap as I've read on this thread in all the years I've been on MN and that's saying something.

This bloke had an affair, fucked off leaving a wife and a two year old and a four year old. After a messy and painful divorce with access arranged through the courts he suddenly decides to stop seeing his kids, answering emails or phone calls from the mother of those kids who are bewildered and upset at being abandoned by their father.

She gets stonewalled by the exMIL until eventually discovering that he's apparently suffered 'a breakdown' but still doesn't know if and when he is ever going to see his kids again. She also finds out that his CMS payments she relies upon to provide for her kids, is to be cut to nothing.

And what is wrong with her wanting to have some free time with her new bloke? Where is it written down that a single mother has to spend 24/7 with her kids?

The villain here isn't the OP and the way she's been attacked by some is fucking disgusting!

"Moral thing"? After you said things like "At least if he died his life insurance would pay off the mortgage"? Have you liked in the mirror??

His wife hasn't got any moral obligation to provide for your children. Your ex has. So immoral of him to have a breakdown, isn't it?

I could have simpathized with you OP, but you are just nasty.

But we're assuming here that he has just stopped seeing his DC without notice and has made a conscious choice not to tell anyone about his condition. Perhaps he's not in any fit state to tell them, perhaps he has assumed that his support network I.e. His mum, will have told the OP what is going on, but instead the MIL is being cagey and not speaking.....

When I was ill recently I was unconscious for three days. It's a slightly different situation in my case because my DS is old enough to maintain his own relationship with my eXH. However, I wasn't in any state to be able to speak to him about my illness, about the fact that DS would need to stay with him. That fact automatically had to fall to my family and/or my DP. If they, and DS had all decided not to tell him, or had forgotten or wanted to protect my privacy or such like, then it would have been days before eXH had any idea. In fact it was around ten days before I had the strength to pick up the phone and speak to him from hospital.

Had I died (and yes, that was a real possibility at one point) Then someone else would have had to tell him.

The reality is that when you are separated from someone there needs to be a system in place for if you are not in a position to communicate with the ex on matters which are of utmost importance such as life, death and illness. Sometimes we don't think about these things until such times as we are faced with them.

The fact here is that the MIL has responsibilities towards her GC which she wouldn't have had if OP and her ex were still together. Her responsibility to ensure their welfare is greater than her right to withhold vital information about their father's health just because it makes her uncomfortable.

If he's just disappeared for no good reason then that's nothing to do with her. But if he's genuinely I'll, and judging by the fact he's now not working and seemingly claiming SSP means that there is more to be said, and she owes it to her grandchildren to be honest and not cover for him. If she can't do that then I wouldn't consider her to be a suitable role model for them either.

Fontella couldn't have put it better myself. I can't believe how self righteous people are and have to wonder what their own experiences have been. I'm also divorced with two young children and the thought of being in the OPs situation fills me with rage and fear (my ex has reasonably regular contact & I rely on his financial contribution to pay the mortgage/bills etc) I would struggle to have sympathy if my ex disappeared from his kids life and couldn't share the financial responsibility for WHATEVER reason. What happens to single mother's with depression? In my experience they carry the fuck on.

What happens to single mother's with depression? In my experience they carry the fuck on

Exactly! The OP's ex can just disappear off the face of the earth, and according to some on this thread, OP should just stand back and give him time

Meanwhile, the OP is getting slated because she dares to want some alone time without her kids.

Replace "depression" with any other kind of illness and would people be having the same conversation about how he should step up and be there for his kids?

The fact here is that he's disappeared because he's the NRP, however he's ill, whether that's a mental illness or a physical one is irrelevant here. For whatever reason he's not been in a position to see his children, and his mother is covering for him. If anyone's at fault for the children being upset, she is, because she can't put her own selfish desire to see the kids above their welfare to let their mother know what's going on.