What has happened to my exh?

[LittleMissFour]

Have NC’d for this as don’t want to be outed.

I feel like I am in a bit of a dilemma. Have 2 DC with exh. Been divorced 2 years now after a bitter and messy divorce (he left me for OW). After months and months of not agreeing on custody and access we finally had a court ordered arrangement put in place in May this year for him to have our dc from school pick up every Friday and returned to me 6pm on a Saturday each week.

All seemed to be going well for the first couple of months. Gradually over the summer though he would get his mother to return the dc on Saturday instead of him. I know that he takes the dc to see his mother on a Saturday for tea as she is on her own since ex FIL died a few years ago so I know she is quite lonely and loves spending time with the gc.

After about the third week in a row I text exh to ask if all was ok as he had not been dropping dc off. I had no reply. I sent an email the following week when his dm dropped them off, again no reply. I have tried to ask exmil if all is ok and why she is now dropping the dc back and not exh and she just replies that ‘he is busy’ or ‘it makes sense for me to drop them’ (admittedly she does live closer to me than exdh – but only 10 mins less across town.

Exh had the dc for a week in the summer holidays and again, exmil dropped them back. That was the last time exh has seen our dc!

The week after I had a call from exmil to say that exh was unwell and that she would pick the dc up from school and that they would stay overnight at her house as he was too unwell to have them. This happened again the following week. I questioned exmil the second week as to what was up with exh but she just apologised and said that she didn’t want to get stick in the middle and that exh would not want her knowing about his business!

In advance of the following weekend, when I hadn’t heard from exmil I text exh on the Thursday and asked him if he was feeling better and would be having dc that weekend. No reply.

He didn’t show up at the school to collect the dc on the Friday. I tried to call him but he didn’t pick up. I emailed him. no reply. I rang his mother but turned out she was away that weekend and didn’t know anything about exh not showing up at the school.

That was 6 weeks ago now! Exh’s phone has now been disconnected and my emails to him bounce back. The dc have now not had any contact from their father since early August. And have not done any overnights at exmil’s since beginning of September.

I paid for a solicitor to write a letter to exh last month, but that has not been responded to. Exmil has been in touch every other Saturday and has asked to see the dc, I have taken the dc round there a few times for the afternoon but I am now starting to resent that as I can’t seem to get any answers off of exmil as to what the fuck is going on with my twat of an exh! She just keeps spouting off the same crap that she doesn’t want to get involved, that he won’t want her to tell me all his business etc.

I am now livid. My dc have been hurt enough through our divorce and they are missing their dad terribly! They are 7 and 9 and getting very withdrawn and angry.

Selfishly I am suffering too. I started a new relationship 18 months ago and took it really slow to start with, this summer we have got closer and had our first family holiday together, me and my dc with him and his ds. It was all going to well and we had started to talk about him moving in with us at some point in the future. Since all this with exh has been going on my dp has really distanced himself from me. He has been vocal about missing our ‘us time’ on a Friday night / Saturday. We now have very little time together just us. I also think he has been struggling with my dc’s behaviour since all this has been going on.

Help, what can I do? Can I force exh back to court and make him keep his arrangements? Should I keep letting exmil see the dc adhoc? How can I save my relationship with dp? Sorry for the long post, I’m just so angry and frustrated.

Sorry I think this thread is appalling, I get he's been an arse and he's not been the greatest at communication with his DC, but he's had a fucking mental breakdown and you don't give a shit because you lose money and your alone time with your DP, which it sounds like you had/ have as the MIL was taking care of them.

You even wanted him to die so you could get some money. It's not his fault his wife is well paid and your DP doesn't want to move in etc.

Also if she was a single mum whilst not great if she was that mentally ill or ill I'm sure there are safeguards in place that the children would be cared for.

It's almost like your bemoaning him having a well earning OP and him being safe. As it sounds like if he didn't have his OP he'd be really bad off perhaps eventually homeless if he couldn't pay for anything

OP, I'm sorry that this has happened and I understand that the reduction in your income will hit hard. It's not fair, but it's not your ExH's or his wife's fault. It's just a shitty curveball that has hit you all.

Be angry, rant away and then focus on what you are going to do next. You will not be able to get any more money out of him. You have lost maintenance and his household is down to one salary. He is too unwell to see your DCs and it is probably best for them that don't see him until he is better.

You need to work out how you are going to manage on your own. It's not easy, but it has to be done. My ExH suffers poor MH and there have been times when he cannot earn or see our DS. But as inconvenient as it is for me and DS, it's not his fault.

You need to leave his current wife out of your thinking because your bitterness towards her is making you come across incredibly unhinged.

She is not responsible for your DC any more than your own partner is.

I agree with this ^^^

She's not responsible for your children. He is.

Has he been off work for up to 6 months? As teachers with 5 years would usually get 6 months full pay and 6 months half pay.

Has it been that long?

If you were still together and he went down to nil pay, what would you do?

I mean considering he had an affair, I understand your lack of sympathy, but he's probably not in the right place mentally to think straight. Although straight enough to get his CM reduced though.

If my h left me for ow I wouldn't give a shit about his mental wellbeing either, except for how it affected my dc. The OP only finds herself in this situation because of his shittiness and that of ow. Developing a mh issue doesnt mean that people you have treated badly have to start caring about you or wishing you well. At this point op is perfectly entitled to only think about how his situation affects her and her kids.

Wouldhave you appear to want to win an argument as oppose to actually make a valid point. I can't think of a single parent I know in real life who would think it was OK to stop all contact with their children for four months without a word. Not even from an extended family member. Not a text, email or message to explain contact would be difficult for a while. I'm not suggesting it doesn't happen - it clearly does - I'm suggesting its rubbish and that I can understand the OP's frustration and anger. As DioneTheDiabolist says its probably best the children don't see him for a while if he's suffering but the OP blatently needed to know something about his situation.

While I am not impressed with anything the OP has written about her dp, he really isn't the same as the ex's wife. For a start her dp didn't have a hand in her children's family being split up. He has not moved in with her or made any legal commitment to her or her dc. Can't believe he is being equated to ex husband's wife, who did do all of those things. Marriage is supposed to mean something - for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. Surely supportong your spouse means supporting their obligations?

I'd get legal advice wrt the child support. At least you might find out what is actually wrong with him.

If you married your current DP, he then got ill, your joint income was drastically reduced would you then still continue to pay CM for his kids to his ex?

I have a lot of sympathy for the fact you were not kept abreast of the issue, that's totally crap and MIL was complicit, not acceptable,. , I don't have that much sympathy though on the money front, sell up, pay him his share and rent somewhere nice, this obsession about buying and everything being about equity etc pervades so many threads and makes many look exceptionally materialistic, I have owned, I have rented (beautiful places too) and to be frank if I was in your position I would rather not have the money worries, stick the money in bank, use bits to subsidise rent along with pay etc , use babysitters to get out and have some spare cash!! I do suspect in some cases people hang on in these situations almost as a punishment (understandable when things go wrong) but I think you are punishing yourself. Maybe in the future when you have a stable relationship and someone does move in then you can look at buying again at that point. I would be very loathe I must admit to commit to someone who doesn't seem to see you as a family at this stage.

Aderyn you really are talking out of your arse, and it's not helping the OP.

OP look, you need to get your budget under control and if that means selling up and renting for a while or getting a lodger etc then do it. Sandy had a good point about sickness pay but I guess that depends on how long his situation has been going on for. No one is going to fix this apart from you unfortunately. And yes it sucks (I am a single parent and have nothing from the father since my daughter was 1, she is now 7) so yes they should be obliged but if they are sick or have no income then it falls to you. Rough hand, I know xxx

Piss off jeaux. My opinion is as valid as anyone else's on this thread. The OP is free to disregard anything I say if she doesn't feel it's relevant.
Am surprised that so many people feel that a step parent has no moral or financial responsibility to their dsc if their spouse is incapacitated for any reason.

It's a huge blow to you, OP. You're only human to worry about how this is going to affect you.

But seriously, some posters seem to be literally clueless about mental health issues. Do you understand that a mental breakdown is not a lifestyle choice? Why do people keep saying it's no excuse for not contacting his children? Are you thick?

Aderyn, if the Ex is receiving SSP then the CSA will be aware of that, there is no point in the OP wasting money and time on solicitors who will be unable to get details of the Ex's illness. You may think that his wife has an obligation to pay the maintenance, but her household is now operating without a salary and you have no idea what is going on there. Angry pipe dreams are not going to help the OP's financial situation.

OP, wrt Christmas, would your DP help out? I know that he is not their dad, but surely he cares enough about you to want to help you at this very stressful time.

Because aderyn your reasoning seems to be that her ex DH's wife should pay because "she had a hand in the split" what complete bollox. A new partner may well feel that they want to contribute but should not feel obligated especially when she seems to be dealing with a mentally ill partner and you have no idea what she is going through or her financial position. The fact she owns her own house is the only fact.

No, I think she should pay mainly because they are her husband's children and marriage means that you share a life and commitments. Therefore if he is unable to support them then she ought to, if she possibly can. Imo paying child support should be a priority for the couple. I understood from the thread that the wife has no mortgage so owns her house outright, which does imply an ability to contribute. I stand by the idea that if you help break up a family it makes you morally obligated to protect the dc from as much of the fallout as you possibly can, but I know that legally she has no such obligation.
I think that in the OPs shoes I would stop mil from taking over the contact time as a means of forcing her into disclosure about the whereabouts/mental condition of the exh. The OP had every right to know this. I suggest getting legal advice because if the mil will not talk honestly to the OP, there might be a way to force the ex to come clean about what his situation is. As things stand she has no idea what he is getting financially or what he could afford to contribute - he has effectively just dropped off the face if the earth as far as the OP and her kids are concerned.

She does know what he is getting, CMS have told her he is in receipt of SSP. Hence their reassessment of the amount he pays.

The OW, now wife has no obligation to pay CS. It's not her bill to pay. They aren't her kids and considering she had an affair with a MM who had kids, why do you think she really cares about your finances OP?

if she did care about your kids, she would have never done what she did.

I am totally against OWs, but she doesn't have any obligation to meet your husband's commitment.

If she was sensible, she would have urged your Ex to make contact and let you know what was going on.

I'm sure she wouldn't like the father of her kids to disappear like that. But how can you expect any decency from someone like her. You can't unfortunately.

How great of a dad was he when you were married? Because his visitation wasn't that much to begin with. After school on Friday to Saturday at 6pm. He was seeing his kids for just over 24 hours a week and a few of those hours they were with his mum and several hours sleeping.

I reckon their school teachers knew your DC better than him and they certainly saw/see more of them than he did.

Aderyn the only person who left the OP and is responsible is her ExDH. You are making an assumption about the wife's ability to contribute. As a single parent the only person you can rely on is you. You need to take your dog collared rose tinted specs off and also stop the ridiculous hounding of the OW.

OP single parent to single parent (because this is what you are right now) find your own means to bridge that budget gap so you don't have to rely on him in the future. Hopefully he will recover soon and be able to start payments again. Equally if there is a cent of doubt about whether it's a genuine situation then call the ExMIL bluff a bit about the court situation, you will soon get answers I reckon

How am I hounding the ow? She isn't here
I think people have a responsibility in life to not be shitty to other people. If you are and your behaviour causes pain and hardship (esp to children) then imo you are morally responsible. This does not reduce the responsibility of the exh.

I am making an assumption on her ability to pay based on her not having a mortgage. Most people can afford to pay something - someone with no mortgage is unlikely to be on the bones of their arse.

Personally I think if the exH,s wife had anything about her she would offer, but many don't and in all fairness, does she 100% know your position? She may well think as you have a partner he is helping you out at the moment and if he is worth his salt and in a position too, he should!! Or does he just see you as someone to have fun times with, if you get my gist, you should think on this OP, most nice men I've known who genuinely care for you would offer if they knew the score and were able to help

Teachers get full pay for at least 6 months if they are off work so he's been ill for a long time

I'm not sure it helps OP to bemoan the system here. Yes it's unfair that non resident parents can step away when they are ill, but resident parents can't. Yes it's unfair that resident parents are usually mums who get completely shafted by their ex partners. Some people will certainly think that new spouses should be considered in income calculations for child support.

At the moment, OPs ex is too ill to work, he's on SSP, the CSA have judged that he should pay £5. His wife has no liability to pay even if she has more money than she could ever need. That means OP is in a crap situation, she's lost £450 per month but keeps all the responsibility, and it probably feels that her ex gets far too much say in her future life because of the terms of their divorce order. Her DP sounds like a colossal dick, too.

I'm not sure a debate on how things should be will help at all. It's very likely that this is one of those situations that just has to be accepted, even if it's really bloody bitter.

I agree AnchorDownDeepBreathsometimes life deals you a shit sandwich, which isnt fair but is what it is-- which was why was practically saying why not rent for a bit and sell up and have a breathing space on cash.

But resident parents can get help if they're that sick, it's not like he's feeling under the weather having an afternoon nap he's having a mental breakdown, if a resident parent was that ill there would be measurements put in place to look after the children whilst they received help

If he has indeed had a mental breakdown and has been going through such a terrible crisis, why oh why did his wife and mother think the mother of his children should not be informed? If his crisis is so deep as to prevent him contacting his children for months, the person caring for the children should know about it. It is the absence of concern and urgency for the children, by the wife and mother, that makes me suspect he is choosing not to see them, not so ill as to be unable to see them.