What has happened to my exh?

[LittleMissFour]

Have NC’d for this as don’t want to be outed.

I feel like I am in a bit of a dilemma. Have 2 DC with exh. Been divorced 2 years now after a bitter and messy divorce (he left me for OW). After months and months of not agreeing on custody and access we finally had a court ordered arrangement put in place in May this year for him to have our dc from school pick up every Friday and returned to me 6pm on a Saturday each week.

All seemed to be going well for the first couple of months. Gradually over the summer though he would get his mother to return the dc on Saturday instead of him. I know that he takes the dc to see his mother on a Saturday for tea as she is on her own since ex FIL died a few years ago so I know she is quite lonely and loves spending time with the gc.

After about the third week in a row I text exh to ask if all was ok as he had not been dropping dc off. I had no reply. I sent an email the following week when his dm dropped them off, again no reply. I have tried to ask exmil if all is ok and why she is now dropping the dc back and not exh and she just replies that ‘he is busy’ or ‘it makes sense for me to drop them’ (admittedly she does live closer to me than exdh – but only 10 mins less across town.

Exh had the dc for a week in the summer holidays and again, exmil dropped them back. That was the last time exh has seen our dc!

The week after I had a call from exmil to say that exh was unwell and that she would pick the dc up from school and that they would stay overnight at her house as he was too unwell to have them. This happened again the following week. I questioned exmil the second week as to what was up with exh but she just apologised and said that she didn’t want to get stick in the middle and that exh would not want her knowing about his business!

In advance of the following weekend, when I hadn’t heard from exmil I text exh on the Thursday and asked him if he was feeling better and would be having dc that weekend. No reply.

He didn’t show up at the school to collect the dc on the Friday. I tried to call him but he didn’t pick up. I emailed him. no reply. I rang his mother but turned out she was away that weekend and didn’t know anything about exh not showing up at the school.

That was 6 weeks ago now! Exh’s phone has now been disconnected and my emails to him bounce back. The dc have now not had any contact from their father since early August. And have not done any overnights at exmil’s since beginning of September.

I paid for a solicitor to write a letter to exh last month, but that has not been responded to. Exmil has been in touch every other Saturday and has asked to see the dc, I have taken the dc round there a few times for the afternoon but I am now starting to resent that as I can’t seem to get any answers off of exmil as to what the fuck is going on with my twat of an exh! She just keeps spouting off the same crap that she doesn’t want to get involved, that he won’t want her to tell me all his business etc.

I am now livid. My dc have been hurt enough through our divorce and they are missing their dad terribly! They are 7 and 9 and getting very withdrawn and angry.

Selfishly I am suffering too. I started a new relationship 18 months ago and took it really slow to start with, this summer we have got closer and had our first family holiday together, me and my dc with him and his ds. It was all going to well and we had started to talk about him moving in with us at some point in the future. Since all this with exh has been going on my dp has really distanced himself from me. He has been vocal about missing our ‘us time’ on a Friday night / Saturday. We now have very little time together just us. I also think he has been struggling with my dc’s behaviour since all this has been going on.

Help, what can I do? Can I force exh back to court and make him keep his arrangements? Should I keep letting exmil see the dc adhoc? How can I save my relationship with dp? Sorry for the long post, I’m just so angry and frustrated.

OP

At this point I would view Ex as Plan Z.

You are giving him fat too much headspace that he doesn't deserve.

It's shit but allowing his actions to mess with your head is just giving him more power.

Leave him to it. Concentrate on yourself and your children and just do your best because that's all you can do.

He will reap what he sows, one day.

How is telling the OP to move on with her life going to help the situation she is in now? FFS £450 is a lot to lose when your children are so young

You have my sympathies OP. I would still speak with CAB to see if you are entitled to anything else. Just in case

In regards to your exDH being entitled to equity out of the house if your DP moved in, is that definitely correct?

I agree with PP that your MiL is your only real route. Perhaps something along the lines of that you appreciate your exh might not want her meddling, but this situation is having a detrimental effect on your DCs and her own grandchildren. Surely her love for them must allow her to shed some light on why their father is absent. She needs to think of them.

I'm not entirely sure why people are defending the mil here. It may be that his illness is such that he's not been in a position to get in touch, but she has been, and all this time she's been covering up his illness? WTF is that about?

I have been seriously ill recently and in a position where I wouldn't have been able to be in touch with my eXH. But my family and DP and all those responsible for A, being there for me, and B, being there for my DS would never even considered not letting him know what was going on.

We have no idea what the nature is of this man's illness, and whatever has gone on in the past doesn't mean he doesn't deserve sympathy if he's had a breakdown to the extent he's no longer able to work. But it seems that the OP is blinded by bitterness towards him to the extent that she still feels he is responsible even though he may not be in a position to be.

As for the new partner. He sounds like a shit-stirring arsehole and I would get rid.

It doesn't matter how long ago he left her for another woman. What matters is that he left her with two children . He can move on with another woman but he still has two children he needs to help support financially and the poster had every right to information about his health / financial position as regards to child support. Why should she be solely responsible for the children he helped to produce ? I would do everything in my power to try to ensure he did this. Yes , dwelling on his taking up with OW and leaving his family is " not healthy " but it is certainly understandable if his previous family now has to suffer.

£450 is a lot to lose yes... but he's ill. What can he do? He can't force himself to get better and go out to work.

IF he is ill then no , he can't just get over it and go to work . How fortunate he is to be able to just leave all the day to day hard graft and financial aspects of bringing up his children to his ex wife ! The very least he should have done ( or his mother should have done ) is to keep his children's mother informed about what was going on.

Apologies if you have already done this but I think you need to have an age appropriate discussion with your DC to reassure them that their dad still loves them but is too poorly to see them at the moment. My DH went through a very bad depressive illness when DC were 14 and 7. He withdrew completely from family life although we were still under the same roof.
The older DS was able to understand and was v helpful to me and his dad and between us we helped DS2 to feel secure.
I think children need some sort of explanation and opportunity to ask questions or discuss their own anxieties.

Thanks for the support ladies.

Yes it all seems correct. Our financial consent order as part of our divorce states that exh is entitled to his share in the equity in the house when the youngest is 18 or before if i re-marry or co-habit. I was unhappy about this at the time but this is the norm now apparently to give people a 'clean break' so my solicitor says.

I will see what the CAB say next week. Hopefully I can get to see them on my lunch break. I have just looked on the entitled to website but it claims I am getting the right amount of tax credits.

I agree with PP, the past is the past. But the reality is he can just walk away and not support his dc (emotionally or financially) whilst I pick up the pieces. I am standing on my two feet thank you very much. he has left me with a mortgage to pay and kids to feed!

To give exmil her dues, she knows the effect this is havving on the dc. dc1 is having counselling atm and she frequently comments on how their welfare is being dis-rupted. She is quite weak willed so I don't think she will be wanting to upset exh. She told me last weekend that she hasn't heard from him for a while.

I cannot believe some of the responses on here!!
OP I'm sorry to say but your coming across as slightly deluded. Your ex has obviously 'faked' his mental health breakdown just to piss you off??? He isn't working, so can't pay. Or should he just suck it up so he can carry on paying? what is he actually meant to do here? I think you need to read up on mental breakdowns and try a bit of empathy. Explain to your children just that, their dad is not well, when he is better he will see them. I understand your history may be clouding your clarity but you need some prespective here. Maybe ask MIL for regular visits with the DC's if alone time is that important.

How could your solicitor send the September letter if you only knew the name of the road and not the number?

Could your ex be under a child protection inquiry or similar which means he can't see the kids?

He has dropped off the face of the Earth, he isn't being paid and he hasn't seen the kids to explain. I am sure your MIL has told you about the breakdown only because she knew you were about to hear about the money being slashed.

There's something really wrong with this scenario. It would have to be very sudden and total for this to be true.

I have the greatest of sympathy for MH issues by the way; but of several people i know who have suffered in this way, none broke down this suddenly. There were always clues.

Seriously you need to give your head a wobble just reading your posts you sound like nightmare. Refusing access to force the access you wanted for a new dp's benefit. Getting above CM amounts and still complaining, blocking your ex MiL who is, was and always will be in a no win situation, trying to get money from ex's new wife who works and has dc of her own, abusing someone who has had a breakdown. I get it you've been wronged but seriously take a deep breath you are not behaving well and we are only hearing your side!

MrsPeelyWally, all comms through my solicitor is sent to him via email.

FanDabby, there may well have been clues but i only saw exh once a week at drop off and he barely spoke to me, so how would I know. .

Sheldon, I am not abusing someone who has had a breakdown. I just want what is right for my dc. As far as i see it, why should he be living in his big old house with his wife supporting him whilst our dc suffer? I know his wife doesn't even have a mortgage as her daddy built her house house for her as he is some kind of housing developer. So i'm sorry if I am feeling a little sorry for myself right now.

I have the greatest of sympathy for MH issues by the way; but of several people i know who have suffered in this way, none broke down this suddenly. There were always clues.

OP hasn't seen him for months, she has no idea whether it was gradual or sudden.

LittleMissFour - i meant clues towards the kids: erratic behavior, confusion etc. It sounded like they didn't say anything despite being odd enough to spot any unusual behaviour.

I also can't get over why any discussion with MIL caused such a reaction until the money changed.

As far as i see it, why should he be living in his big old house with his wife supporting him whilst our dc suffer?

As much as I sympathise, and I really do, I'm not sure what you want to happen. Your ex is ill, he can't work. He can't give you income he hasn't got. Yes it's shit that he gets to live in a house with no mortgage, but the law states that new partners income isn't taken into account. You have no idea what her financial obligations are.
It is a really really shit situation, but I imagine it's not much fun for your Ex DH having a breakdown either.

You and your dc live I. A house that your and your ex provided why should his new wife or her father be responsible for you? You have some very strange views.

OP, sorry, I saw that a few pages back after I posted.

Ultimately though if he's not in a position to pay then he's not in a position to pay. The maintenance was presumably agreed based on what he was earning at the time you split, now he's not earning, and this could happen for a number of reasons I.e. He could lose his job or fall ill or worse he could die, and you wouldn't be in any position to receive maintanence then.

As for whether his current wife should be responsible, of course she shouldn't. Do you think his payments should be calculated based on how much your DP earns as well?

Sometimes shit happens and we have to deal with it. The worst part of this is his lack of communication and the lack of communication by anyone else who is in the know about what's going on, so it hasn't given you any kind of timeframe to prepare.

Now that you have an idea of what's going on you can think about how to deal with it. Could you sell the house to release your share of the equity? Are you in a position to move in with your DP?

I really feel for you. Obviously your ex is going through a rough time and that's awful, but I do see that you've been left with everything and are now taking an even bigger hit.

Financially if he's not earning then there's nothing that can be done at all. But emotionally it's a real shame that he hasn't been able to engage with his children even just to the level of getting a message to them that he loves them but needs some time to get better.

Fandabby, my eldest has SN and is not overly aware tbh.

I guess I am angry that even if he is ill, that he can't provide for his dc. I have looked up ssp and he should be getting £88 a week. Where is that going? he wife works and has no fucking mortgage! She can't care two fucks about his dc. Some step mum she turned out to be.

He may have left me the marital home, but I can't even move on with my own relationship by moving in together without owing him £70k.

I feel like I have been set up to fail.

At least id he died WannaBe, then his life insurance would pay off the mortgage!