Absolutely Livid!! dh just called a fat lazy f****ker

[Debbsyandson]

im furious,only had my ds 8 weeks ago,have lost most of my baby weight,i do all the nite feeds nappy changes baths washing cleaning and admittedly theres not always a meal done when he gets home from work.But for fucks sake i am a new mum!!!Feel like walikng through the door with ds and not coming back he has really really hurt me.

no frizbe its still going on,worse than ever middle of the night wasnt too bad he gave ds a bottle at 5am,but then cos ds only took 3 ozs (he likes 2 have a rest in between)he said that was it and gave him to me to rock to sleep,as you can guess ds was having none of it, cos he wanted more-god the arse (hubby).But this morning he has really surpassed himself as i came downstairs he was washing ds bottles in soapy water.So of course i tell him not like that, so im being over protective according to him and fucking stupid-his words.I said im only trying to be a good mother to our son guess what he said well you had better start then that has hurt me far far more than what he said on friday.And i dont even want to be in the same room as me he has said some awful things that im clucking,stupid,silly oh and cracking up-wanker
Then ive just got ds ready for the day,and im just about to have a shower,and he asks me if we are going to the park with ds,and to pay the deposit for his christening.
No i bloody arent imn going no where with you,you bastard!!!!

Debbsy

it is really important that you and your hubby sit down and TALK. ASAP

or you are going to get stuck in this rut of hissing, sniping and criticising.

i know your LO was muc longed for, but the reality of a baby is just so different from the imagining.

the tiredness and the relentlesness is just unimaginable . the way you feel about yourself, each other is challenged so much too,

there is so much pressure to do it all just right!

is there anyone who can look after LO so you two can talk? and thrash this out before it gets even worse?

some men do get their noses firmly pushed out of joint by the arrival of a baby, and the fact that as an adult, your needs now come second at all times, to the needs of the baby.

your DH was absolutely wrong to say what he said.....it sounds like you are both hurting, about what, i don;t know...but it needs resolving ASAP

life with a baby is hard, no doubt, and it is a time you need to pull together as a team ,rather than as two people , both determined to things your own way.

I dont want to talk to him at all at the moment lulu,not at all im fuming!!

fair enough , honey, but how will you resolve this? fuming is ok for a while, but won;t get you anywhere,,,

can you write a letter to him, to explain why you are so angry? he is likely to have forgotten what he said and has no idea why you are so hurt

So, are you planning to make up with him, or just let war continue? You are quite right to be pissed off about the insult. And it's ridiculous for him to expect you to do all the housework and look after a baby all on your own - got to be 50/50. Does he really think your working day is 24 hours while his is only office hours? Knock that one on the head sharpish. But you can't continue to be angry with him every time he talks to you - would you try to make peace with someone who snaps at you every time you speak?

You are both stressed by the demands of new parenthood (OK, you do the lion's share but he will be adjusting too). Give each other a break. It sounds a bit as if caring for your ds is 'my way or the highway' - you can't expect him to do his bit if every time he tries he gets shouted at. What's wrong with cleaning bottles in soapy water, anyway? That's what you are supposed to do, then rinse in clear water to get all the soap suds out (you don't actually need to sterilise, just clean very thoroughly and air dry). Is there a way of explaining this to him without having a go?

Having said that, I do appreciate that new mummy tigress thing that just takes you over - if dh slips up one tiny bit you feel like he's putting your child in mortal danger. But it's worth pulling back a bit and trying to explain stuff, or even biting your lip, so dh feels he can look after his own child without being endlessly criticised. Otherwise you will be left doing it all on your own because he'll feel that if he does try to get involved, you just tell him it isn't good enough. Or, if he's a lazy sod, he'll seize the excuse to let you get on with it.

Debbsy - so sorry to hear about your dh's complete and utter lack of understanding. I think lulu's advice is good though, you both need to talk. It's been said that having a baby is like having a grenade chucked into the middle of your relationship and, frankly, it's us that takes most of the blast.

Tell him how you feel. As incredible as it may seem, it might have been a throwaway comment, they just don't realise how hurtful they can be sometimes. Try and talk. I think it's really hard to adjust to having a baby. The glow of the first few weeks has gone and you are left with a 24/7 job, with no annual leave and being utterly exhausted to boot.

No wonder wimps like Xenia leg it back to work asap

lulu i will i just need to stew a while first,he has just asked me if i want to go out for lunch------- no i do not.
Edam good advice you have certainly made me see a different angle on things,it is my way or the highway because im a first time mum i read the books listen to the hv so i do everything by the book,and expect him to do the same,but at the same time he wont listen even when i try and show him,he thinks he knows it all,so i cant win either.
Beansprout lol Xenia -who is she anyhow?? how are you doing??

i cant really tell him how i feel as i keep cryimg,and dont want to keep getting upset infront of ds as i dont want him to pick up on anything.

I'm ok thanks, still grouching around ttc, but ok. Thanks for all your support (and chocolate). I was very impressed by your gifts, especially when we were all being such grouchy old moos.

Xenia simply thinks that going back to work, full time, is the answer to all problems concerning babies over the age of about 2 weeks old. She posts this on any thread she is on, regardless of how relevant/useful/tactless it is. If you ask her for a recipe for soup, she will tell you go go back to work etc etc

Debs I totally understand why you are fuming, however I do think your dh was 'trying' to apologize yesterday. In a mans head it is the practical things they do, rather than words. He made you dinner, asked you to watch TV with him etc. You refused to let him in becasue of one comment. IMHO I think that you were in the wrong there. I'm sorry doesn't take much I realise, but sometimes men don't understand it is important.

Secondly you must let him muddle through and learn his own ways of looking afeter the baby, they may not be your ways, but if they work that's fine. TBH I don't know what you are talking about in regards to babies hair being washed before a bath?? Can't say I ever did that, it was always in teh bath. ALso washing bottles with soapy water?? I always did that, what is the problem there?? You need teh saop to get rid of the milk and then you rinse and sterilise? Or thats the way I did it.

I am not trying to be harsh as he is obviusly a prat to call you names, but I think you are trying too hard to be teh perfect mum and since he is not matchingup to your expectations you are dissappointed with him and he probably realises this. He feels he cannot do anything right and lashes ou at you in a totally inapproipriate manner.

Please try to forgive him, try to sit down and talk to him, you have to find a way of muddling throuigh. Him saying something about a 2nd child was probably him again trying to SHOW he loves you, talk to him, it will make things easier

Why don't you want to go out for lunch?

And why is washing bottles in soapy water a big no?

i would go for lunch, mostly because it saves you cooking and washing up and that is a big plus..have a glass of wine and try to talk

btw debs read another book and they will tell you another way to do it talk to a HV and they will tell you a third way, oh and your mum and MIL also know better too.

There are many ways of looking after a baby, you say you are doing it by the book, throw the book away do it your way!

washing a baby way 1
another way

Do you see what I mean??

Beansprout my pleasure ill drop some more in for you later,xx
Crunchie i know im probably being very harsh but he has made me feel worthless,he has put it in my head about my figure,and that has made me feel awful.
Hunker the hv told me not too just use plain hot water,scrub them rinse then sterilise.
I dont want to go out for lunch with him,as i am very upset,have very red eyes and dont want to get more upset when we are out.I will go out with ds for a walk later,he is just having a nap.

Nothing wrong with soapy water on bottles, sweetheart. Just make sure they're well-rinsed.

Are you sure going for lunch wouldn't help? I can never resist going out for lunch though!

Yes i do Crunchie thanks

ill do it that way then hunker thanks lol about lunch

debbsy, don't you think it might be worth trying to put this insult behind you? I agree that it was a shockingly nasty thing to say, but it sounds like your dh is sorry - even if he can't say this, some people are rubbish at saying sorry directly - and is trying to make up for it. It sounds like he is continually reaching out to you...

and I know it's hard when you've just had your first baby, but do try to chill a bit regarding him doing things differently from you. No hamr will come from bottles washed in soapy water or hair washing happening when the baby is bathed, but it is damaging to have parents who continually fight, or a father who just ends up giving up because he can't do anything right in his wife's eyes.

Anyway, I'm just thinking that it might be worth accepting that lunch-out olive branch...

I didn't post the other day because I wanted to post exactly what Crunchie posted.

It is his baby as well, I realise you are probably tired and first time motherhood is a very steep learning curve. But then so is first time fatherhood. As long as your baby is not at risk in his care, and I very much doubt that he is, then you should cut your DH some slack.

We all lash out in anger.

I had PND after DS2 was born (and DS1, but wouldn't admit it [stubborn]) and still found that however shocking I felt, I felt better if I'd put some make-up on, done my hair, etc. That sounds SO frivolous and unlike me, but it's true. It helps to have other people say "ooh, you look fab!" - I know your DH has dented your confidence, but spiral because of one comment - however unacceptable and shitty of him it was to say it.

washed both of my DCs bottles in hot soapy water , they are fine !

go on, go out for lunch! am as DH at work and we never get to go out for a sunday lunch !

go and wash your face, bit of lippy , you can wear sunglasses as it is a bright day, and do sometihng nice !

i bet you will feel a lot better !

x post there with hunker !

The fact you're dwelling so much on all of this is worrying me - nobody can do things exactly the way you want them done all the time, and you have to give yourself a break and relax a bit about it all, or you will have a breakdown.

How are you feeling in yourself, apart from the frustration with DH? Can you laugh at things, gain enjoyment from things?

ive just let him do ds bottles and havent interfered at all
Hunker no im very happy,i love my ds to bits and my hubby and life is good,im just upset today thats all

I don't feel tolerance and compassion here of the husband or indeed of the husband for the wife. Perhaps they both just need more sleep and time will pass, the child will get older, the mother is going back to work soon, things will settle down and all will be well.

Sometimes saying sorry and having a cuddle even when you think the other person is in the wrong is a useful thing to do.