I dont know if this is abusive or if I am just oversensitive?

[Onlyonce]

Ok I am probably just very confused. In no way do I want to minimise the experiences of those who are or have experienced abuse but I don't know if my situation is or not. It could just be me feeling a bit tired at the moment

I am going to do what a lot of posters seem to do and say that in general I think he is a good guy. Works hard, spends quality time with our dd. I just want some perspectives on each of the following points

Over the 8 years we have been together there have been spells of name calling about my body - along the lines of thunder thighs, chubby. After dd was born we were not intimate for about 9 months as he found my belly 'off putting'. Recent comments have happened during dtd - e.g - 'if you were more toned I would dtd with you more often' 'if you get a six pack we can have another baby'. I am at the stage now where I just block it out so it actually doesn't upset me as much as it used to. I used to tell him that it was hurtful but he just didn't get it.

One instance during dtd when I said I didn't want to do something and him saying he would do it anyway. I repeated no and he stopped. He has never been physically abusive with me.

One that is just 'annoying' waking me up to dtd after he comes to bed much later than me and I am already fast asleep

When dd was born, refusal to help with night feeding at all. Thankfully she slept through at 3 months but I was on my knees with exhaustion and begged him to help. Complaining about his sleep being disturbed when I went to feed her.

DD is very hard to settle at night. She is almost ready to drop her day time nap but sometimes she is so exhausted she really needs it. Last night she was screaming for me to go to her. He thinks we just have to ignore her until she learns to settle. I can kind of see his point but he threatened to break up with me if I went in to see her last night. She did settle eventually.

Payment is due for dd's swimming lessons. We need to pay for the next term or will lose her place. he says he wont pay for it until we have talked about a few other things that need doing in the house. I don't have the cash to pay for it or I would just do it myself

Telling me my admin job is rubbish and that I should get a better job / earn more money. I work ft and do all shopping / cleaning / pick ups and drop offs / any appointments / laundry etc

Sorry this is long. I just need a rant

Why wasn't his dad a good role model? His mum may have been a "beautiful soul" (odd choice of words) but her son sure as hell isn't.

As Lottapianos said, you are not the problem.

Sorry, that sounds a bit arsey. Nothing wrong with describing his Mum that way. But even if she was the loveliest person ever, he isn't.

Hello my friend.
This is my first ever post on Mumsnet. I've read it for years, but have joined tonight to speak to you. I have been you for years and I never knew! And I'm bright, and lovely, and have friends and a job where I manage people and I STILL went home to a marriage where I could never be right, always put down (really cleverly so I started to think I was difficult to live with). Two children later, it took until he was shouting at the nine y.o. one morning because she'd not heard him ask her something for me to snap. It truly was like the scales fell from my eyes - and I can't believe I stayed for so long. I too thought I could NEVER leave. I seemed to find all my bravery that day, and told him that we wouldn't live like that anymore, that I wanted to do marriage counselling, or I'd change my job, or we could move house, or anything! This will happen to you, I know you already have found your courage by posting on here. You've written 5 things that happened in my house too which were NOT OK but I couldn't/didn't see it. It was frightening. I was a good liar to friends, family & myself. It's not easy, and I'm still sleeping on my mum's sofa, but I'm out. You can never be right for him. It's him, not you - you are lovely; he is a narcissist. Take care and when you find your courage, use it to move forward with your little one. All your dc needs is you. Much love

If I had gone in he would have ended things with me. We do need to get on top of her sleeping. I knew she didn't really need anything as I had checked before and taken her to the toilet.

Children very often do need something in the night by way of comfort and reassurance; how old is she? I'm uneasy that he is making you choose between him and her. Where is the we need to get on top of this thing when he refuses to share night duties?

His attitude towards you is repulsive. I'm not even sure that women, outside the athletic track and intensive full-time training, can just get a six pack. Do you wish to re-mould your body to his desire (did you have a six-pack to start with?) or would you like to be YOU with a beloved dd? Ideally of course you'd have a loving DP who was fully part of a beautiful family - but it doesn't really sound like you got that in the overall picture you have painted.

I have a feeling that he is going to get much uglier as time goes on.

Its hard to start the move from asking about the stuff that starts to worry to the next step and takes different lengths of time. Just look again at what he did there with his precious dd (that he 'loves' so much) that he uses her swimming lessons and risk of losing them as a power tool to blackmail you to talk over things he wants to talk about when these things are unrelated.

Also all abusers can be friends and have lots of charming things about them too. The trouble is...at what cost...not worth it!

I think it is a very good idea to talk to your counsellor. I hear you aren't ready to call it quits on the relationship. However, the balance of power and the situation cannot go on. All I can say is if you change your reaction to him something will have to change. Your counsellor will hopefully give you the support needed to find the strength to change your reaction to his behaviour. It is likely that he will try to escalate the control over you so you will have to be strong. Hopefully, eventually he will back down and if not, it will likely be the end of your relationship. Either way, when the time comes, if you have put the dedication and hard work in, you will be ready for what comes next. I know that this probably sounds pretty scary. One things for sure, you and your beautiful little girl need to be in control of your lives and not be dictated to and threatened by a bully.

Please keep seeing your counsellor. I've seen several myself. Some better than others and they've all helped me along the way. Some I stopped seeing because I moved around a lot. Others had helped me as far as I could go at the time and some stopped being helpful because we'd reached the end of the road. Good luck.

It's sad. When we are looking for a partner we are so careful. We only want someone who truly loves us. We look out for the signs. Does he answer my texts quickly? Hold my hand? Is he interested in my life? When will he say he loves me? He gives us flowers and we look at sunsets together. It's exciting, romantic. That's why we want to be with him.

Then a few years later he is calling us names and we find excuses for him.

He's an abusive cunt, who doesn't seem to like you or your dd much, let alone love you. At the moment you're putting him first (eg not going to see your crying dd because you're scared of his reaction). Him doing the bare minimum with her makes him a bad dad not a good one

This is one of the saddest threads I've ever read on here. Keep going op - find your anger and your strength, and maybe start trying to put some money aside (hidden). I think you are going to need it in the very near future.

Teabay -

I had a similar experience as you and Teabag.

I was constantly being put down - my appearance, my weight, my job, my intelligence, my running the household, my choice of friends. Fucking EVERYTHING. Whereas I am in fact decent looking, shapely with fab tits (no point being modest!), well qualified, have a fabulous job, run the house better than he ever could and have a wonderful, wide circle of lots of different friends.

I wish I had left him years ago, but at last I am free - to a large extent - of him.

It's him, not you.

Putting it baldly you didn't comfort your tiny DD because of him.

Therefore you put him before her.

Please don't let that continue to happen.

OP - you can't make it better.

Nothing you do, or dont do, will change what HE does.
He needs to change - but he won;t. Why would he? For what reason? A nicer life (already got women/you dancing attendance upon his every whim)? Why would he bother?

He won't change. You cannot change this situation. All you can do, for the sake of yourself and your daughter, is get away from him.

Speak to Womens Aid. You are in an abusive situation - that is what they are there for.

He's a horrible bully.

OP, ok you want to stay with him and make it better.

Do you know the best thing you could do is kick him out or leave him, tell him you may consider dating him but that's it, maybe then when you are away from his bullying you may see things for what they are, I think you are holding on to a dream but the reality is you cannot change a horrible person into a nice person, it's just the way he is, I think staying is just more of the same treatment OP, you're basically giving him the green light to treat you like crap.

Try being strong, if you are meant to be with him then you will be but surely being on your own right now is better than what he is offering you.

So stay, post again in a few months time when things have got worse, maybe he won't stop next time, maybe there'll be violence, maybe your DD will cry for a little bit too long, maybe he'll totally restrict your finances.

I wouldn't risk it

Sounds like my husband. These 'men' think they know better and have a right to say what they like. I can't make a decision without consulting him first because otherwise if it's something he doesn't like he will go mad for not 'consulting him' my daughters adore their dad too, he adores them but it doesn't change the fact that he is a twat for a husband and these men bring you down. People wonder why we stay with these men but sometimes we have no choice. These days I just ignore my husband snide comments and just stand up for myself a lot more. Men think they have the right to comment on our bodies but they are not the ones who have gone through pregnancy and birth, they are just so cocky!

How have you no choice Sammy, you are not a prisoner.

Any man who puts a woman down for the way she looks is the scum of the earth, end of.

I couldn't have an ounce of respect for a man that treated me this way and though it ok, is beyond comprehension to outsiders I guess.

Please cut some slack. Op is clearly living in fear for their safety or she would not be putting his needs ahead of theirs. She is not 'letting' this happen its all his fault and not hers and certainly not as simple as shouting get oit and it'll all be over. Normally its very difficult to make sense of anything, compketely mistrust your own instincts and contunally doubt yourself. Dont add to this with any judgements or hasty advice. It needs to be done safely and without further incident whilst Op gathers her thughts. Leaving baby to crybsome might ne the safest thing to do for them and difficilt for anyone else to understand.

Hand-holdong, strength and hopes for betyer for you. Be safe

Thank you Shriek. I will see what my counsellor says next time. If nothing else it will give me another place to vent. I'm not sure why she said she was worried for my health. We ran out of time to talk.

Alll strength to you. Maybe because living in such stress 24/7 is extremely bad for your well-being.

Hard to have any time emergy when trying to survive day to day.

Without doubt 'choices' gradually disappear for many reasons

I really sympathise with your story. I am in a similar situation, though not the same of course. I feel like I know it isn't right and its not having a good effect on my confidence but would leaving be worse? How much pain would that give everyone? Also, why can't they just listen and sort out their rubbish behaviour... you'd want to if you knew wouldn't you?!