I dont know if this is abusive or if I am just oversensitive?

[Onlyonce]

Ok I am probably just very confused. In no way do I want to minimise the experiences of those who are or have experienced abuse but I don't know if my situation is or not. It could just be me feeling a bit tired at the moment

I am going to do what a lot of posters seem to do and say that in general I think he is a good guy. Works hard, spends quality time with our dd. I just want some perspectives on each of the following points

Over the 8 years we have been together there have been spells of name calling about my body - along the lines of thunder thighs, chubby. After dd was born we were not intimate for about 9 months as he found my belly 'off putting'. Recent comments have happened during dtd - e.g - 'if you were more toned I would dtd with you more often' 'if you get a six pack we can have another baby'. I am at the stage now where I just block it out so it actually doesn't upset me as much as it used to. I used to tell him that it was hurtful but he just didn't get it.

One instance during dtd when I said I didn't want to do something and him saying he would do it anyway. I repeated no and he stopped. He has never been physically abusive with me.

One that is just 'annoying' waking me up to dtd after he comes to bed much later than me and I am already fast asleep

When dd was born, refusal to help with night feeding at all. Thankfully she slept through at 3 months but I was on my knees with exhaustion and begged him to help. Complaining about his sleep being disturbed when I went to feed her.

DD is very hard to settle at night. She is almost ready to drop her day time nap but sometimes she is so exhausted she really needs it. Last night she was screaming for me to go to her. He thinks we just have to ignore her until she learns to settle. I can kind of see his point but he threatened to break up with me if I went in to see her last night. She did settle eventually.

Payment is due for dd's swimming lessons. We need to pay for the next term or will lose her place. he says he wont pay for it until we have talked about a few other things that need doing in the house. I don't have the cash to pay for it or I would just do it myself

Telling me my admin job is rubbish and that I should get a better job / earn more money. I work ft and do all shopping / cleaning / pick ups and drop offs / any appointments / laundry etc

Sorry this is long. I just need a rant

He has no right to denigrate and criticise you. It's about time this was discussed and he was made to understand it's not acceptable.

OP, to be very blunt: you are putting your relationship with your partner (whatever it is you are getting out of it) before the wellbeing of your daughter.

Don't tell yourself otherwise, because it's a lie.

Your dd is very little. Beware he will not be the loving, doting father when she starts to grow up, has her own opinions and attitude. And this will go one of two ways. Either he will abuse her and he with then be abusing the two of you. Or in an attempt to protect herself, she will ally herself with him and you will be abused but your child as well as your partner.

I agree with this. I think the ally scenario is far more common than people realize. Abusers will not think twice about getting your child on board. This is something I'm dealing with and I don't think it can be fixed.

He sounds awful op. He really does. Your dd will not be immune to it. Even if he is nice to her she will pick up on all of it.

Jesus OP, you have to ask, you are living with a very weak and damaged man who thinks it's A ok to put you down, refuse sex because of your body after having a baby, calls all the shots and prevents you from going to your child, you actually have to ask if this is normal - well it aint and if you had an ounce of love for your daughter you'd realise this and get to fuck away from the bully; your daughter is going to grow up thinking this is normal and the man can criticise and put down to inflate his own fragile ego, what an absolute disgrace of a human being he is - minimise all you want OP, refuse to leave too, good luck, I think you are mad to be putting up with this crap from another human being.

He'd shag you more if you had a six pack - he'd not have got a chance to slag me off anymore, his arse would be out the door.

Adora

Please don't tell me I don't love my child.

I think Adora is rightly angry. I think her statement was designed for you to take a long hard look at the situation. Because it's ugly. Please reread it because what's she's saying is to put your child first - rather than getting just the big of getting out if you loved your dd. You think you're putting her first by staying. But you're not. Your dd is so little. I have a spirited 8yr old. Even with a very loving dh, who isn't abusive with dd, I have to tell him to step back sometimes because he goes too far. Your partner is Abu is dead and it's only a question of time before he starts on her. Honestly, staying with him is the worst option for her long term.

Bloodg auto correct. It should have said:

Your partner is being abusive and it's only a question of time before he starts on her.

He sounds an absolute wanker

He said he would break up with you if you went in to attend to your screaming daughter?

He is a shithead.

So he takes the easy bits of parenting like carving pumpkins and that makes him a great dad? He's doing all the fun stuff which is about 17% of parenting.

He's a shithead.

You could be a size 6 and he'd still have a pop at you.

He's a shithead.

Never plays your compliments about your food and is only critical about it?

Yep, he's a shithead.

You, on the other hand, sound like a great parent. A great employee and manager of your life. I bet you're a great life partner too.

He, however, is not worthy of what you are giving him.

If he doesn't like your cooking, tell him to cook himself.

If your dd is crying and he threatens you, tell him you will comfort your upset child.

I think a future with this man means you will have to be eroded until your sense of self esteem is absolute rock bottom.

Don't sacrifice yourself for this man's need to bully you.

As I said he really cares about dd..

If he really cared for her he wouldn't use her swimming lessons as a bargaining tool to get you to change the things he wants in the house.

He wouldn't be happy to have her be upset and threaten to leave you if you comforted her. I know self settling and controlled crying are methods that many parents use, but the difference is, both parents agree to it, they discuss it. One doesn't just decided that's the way it's going to be one night and threaten to leave if the other doesn't comply. It sounds like he's starting to control your Daughter already but is hiding behind a parenting method to do it.

Loving and caring dad's don't do this. Carving a pumpkin doesn't make someone a loving and caring dad. Treating their child's Mother with respects and outting the child's needs ahead of their own does.

He obviously gets off on putting you down OP, that much is undeniable. Sorry I am sure you do love your child but if you want to do the best for her then do not stay with him, simple.

I don't know what makes you think your daughter will be immune to his insults, she won't and it will be much harder to get away after years of him putting you in your place.

The only way to beat a bully is to stand up for yourself.

Don't sacrifice yourself for this man's need to bully you.

This. And don't sacrifice your daughter. Which is what you are doing right now.

I'm not going to say whether he is abusive or not. But do you realise he is walking a very very fine line there?
During sex, 'I don't care if you don't want to do xx, I'm going gbto do it anyway'?? If hévéas going just a little bit further, it would be a clear sexual assault/rape.

Comments about your body and you being too big when you are having counselling fur eating issues?? Really? What would you think of anyone making that sort of comment if it was made to a friend?

Threatening to break up with you on parenting issue (plenty of people have the same problems that you. And disagree on how to handle it. But using threats like this is just not on)

Cutting the kabejs off clothes do he can't comment on your size. Do you realise how far you are going to try and protect yourself from his constant putting down?

Please think about it. If your dad was coming back home a dctling you all this, would you be happy for her irceould you prefer her to get out and have a better life?
Why do you say you just can't leave? What is stopping you? Money? The idea of breaking up the family? Being afraid of him? Worried about your dd not seeing her dad as much? Religion?

And I agree withadora too.
Maybe not on the'loving your dd' but on the very long lasting effect this man will have on her and she will see relationship as an adult.

She adores him so I'm not going to leave as long as she is happy

But is she happy when she is crying for you and he won't let you go to her? Or when he won't pay for her swimming lessons?

Honestly, she can and will be happy without having all of that going on in her life. As she gets older, his abuse is inevitably going to start extending to her, he won't be able to help it.

It's difficult to tell without knowing the context whether he's actually abusive or not. It's clear that your relationship isn't going well but 'thunderthighs' - if, say, you've been going on about having fat thighs that it could just be an amusing comment.
Similarly, it sounds like your relationship was sexless for a long time and I can imagine that you have massive issues around that and could make rude comments to each other.
'if you get a six pack we can have another baby' - why do you even want to have a baby with him if you think yourself a victim and your relationship clearly isn't working??? he just gave you a twatty answer s you're not getting on and he won't even bother engaging in a serious conversation with you.
When it came to paying for the swimming lessons, he said he wanted to talk about other expenses you have - what's the problem with that? Couples should sit down regularly to budget for different expenses.

The only things that are beyond any doubt after reading: as a couple you've got tons of issues and you aren't getting on and you're resentful.

She can still adore him OP but that doesn't mean you have to suffer his bullying anymore, you can co parent no?

She aint going to be very happy when she starts to understand that her dad slags off her mum, puts her down and basically rules the roost cos well he's a man and way more important - your daughter will learn that to be with a man you have to cow down to them and accept their criticisms and nastiness - what a lovely example to show your daughter what a relationship is about.

I just don't think you are seeing it OP, you are probably so used to being put down it's became the norm, perhaps have a trial separation and then maybe you will actually see what is going on, it's much harder when you are stuck in it and your brain will be rationalising every nasty comment he makes towards you as being not so bad; why should you block anything out, are you going to suggest your daughter does the same when he starts on her, and he will.

Do you have to apply a label ("abuse"), for this to be seen for what it is? Disgusting demoralising comments directed towards you, on a regular basis.

FGS, you really need to leave him. The next time he mentions your body, reply with this:

"Yes, I'd really love to tone up a bit, I was thinking of joining the gym. Would you like a joint membership? It's just that I'd fancy you so much more, if you had some muscles, you're just so skinny and bulking up would make you more manly"

He's an absolute dickhead btw, but I think you know that already. I have swung from a size 8 to a size 16, and back again....guess how many times my DH has mentioned my weight? ZERO.

JoJo

I haven't complained about my body infront of him. I don't comment on anyone's body

The only time we were sexless was after dd was born

The other things he wanted to discuss were not directly to do with bills. He wanted to know which energy company I wanted to switch to. Things like that.

As you say it's difficult without context.

this is worrying

value yourself
leave him
sounds like a loser and it sounds like you can be single for a while and then potentially meet someone who will worship the ground you walk on

I had this two years ago - guy hinting that I should aim to be a size 8
I am curvy
went to gym, starved myself
still wasnt good enough - he was 17 stone looked like a mess
I was so blind to it all
he was projecting his bull sh t on me

get out as soon as you can

As everyone else on this thread has said, he sounds foul. Controlling, abusive, just plain nasty to you. You don't deserve this OP. You started your original post by saying that you were probably confused and you do sound very confused indeed. That's part and parcel of being in an abusive relationship - people like this seriously mess with your head, make you doubt yourself all the time, put all the blame on you. He has done a serious number on you and your self esteem. All abusers are 'lovely' sometimes - if they were foul all the time, it would be easy to leave. You have taken the first step by asking the question 'is this abuse?' on here.

Two things regarding your daughter:

• he plays with her and spends time with her. That is bare minimum stuff for a parent. No-one gets gold stars for spending time with their own child

• she's a little girl - she 'loves' anyone who takes care of her and spends time with her. He's always been there and she knows no different. Please don't think that you would be doing her harm by taking her away from a man like this because she 'adores' him so much - it would be quite the opposite. Other posters have outlined all the ways she will be impacted by growing up around a man like this

The message to take away from this thread is that you are right. You know in your gut that is treatment of you is wrong, very wrong, and you have had nearly 100 posters agree with you fully. You know this is not right. You don't have to put up with it.

Thanks everyone

Of course you love your daughter. But take it from all the posters on here who were raised by parents such as you and your H: it fucks children up, and teaches them that it's ok to accept bullying, or to become a bully themselves.

OP - I remember you from your previous thread; your relationship was abusive then and it's still abusive!

You say you won't leave unless he starts on DD - but he's already started. He's already chipped away at your body - and she will soon understand that. And realise that 'men' get to comment on women's bodies.

And anyway - why are you worth less?

She will still have a 'daddy' when you leave this shit. He can still be a 'good' dad to her, without you as a punchbag!