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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I dont know if this is abusive or if I am just oversensitive?

148 replies

Onlyonce · 25/10/2016 10:04

Ok I am probably just very confused. In no way do I want to minimise the experiences of those who are or have experienced abuse but I don't know if my situation is or not. It could just be me feeling a bit tired at the moment

I am going to do what a lot of posters seem to do and say that in general I think he is a good guy. Works hard, spends quality time with our dd. I just want some perspectives on each of the following points

Over the 8 years we have been together there have been spells of name calling about my body - along the lines of thunder thighs, chubby. After dd was born we were not intimate for about 9 months as he found my belly 'off putting'. Recent comments have happened during dtd - e.g - 'if you were more toned I would dtd with you more often' 'if you get a six pack we can have another baby'. I am at the stage now where I just block it out so it actually doesn't upset me as much as it used to. I used to tell him that it was hurtful but he just didn't get it.

One instance during dtd when I said I didn't want to do something and him saying he would do it anyway. I repeated no and he stopped. He has never been physically abusive with me.

One that is just 'annoying' waking me up to dtd after he comes to bed much later than me and I am already fast asleep

When dd was born, refusal to help with night feeding at all. Thankfully she slept through at 3 months but I was on my knees with exhaustion and begged him to help. Complaining about his sleep being disturbed when I went to feed her.

DD is very hard to settle at night. She is almost ready to drop her day time nap but sometimes she is so exhausted she really needs it. Last night she was screaming for me to go to her. He thinks we just have to ignore her until she learns to settle. I can kind of see his point but he threatened to break up with me if I went in to see her last night. She did settle eventually.

Payment is due for dd's swimming lessons. We need to pay for the next term or will lose her place. he says he wont pay for it until we have talked about a few other things that need doing in the house. I don't have the cash to pay for it or I would just do it myself

Telling me my admin job is rubbish and that I should get a better job / earn more money. I work ft and do all shopping / cleaning / pick ups and drop offs / any appointments / laundry etc

Sorry this is long. I just need a rant

OP posts:
LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 25/10/2016 10:57

If you really feel you can't leave, I would suggest getting a referral for counselling yourself in self-assertiveness, and pushing him hard to go to marriage counselling.

But are you sure you can't? If your reasons are financial, bear in mind that your child's rights will have priority and he will have to help to provide a home for her and pay maintenance.

DistanceCall · 25/10/2016 10:57

You need to make it very clear that you are making your own decisions, Onlyonce.

For example: what would have happened if you had gone to soothe your daughter the other night?

Boredbeforeievenbegan · 25/10/2016 10:57

The swimming lesson reminds me of when my ex told me I didn't deserve money for food when he went to work and listed the reasons why. Couldn't be happier without him!

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/10/2016 10:57

Sweetheart. When I said the only one that can change is you, I meant you can change the way you react to him. As in you refuse to accept the emotional abuse, the sexual abuse (which you did, good), the financial abuse. There is no way to discuss things with him. He will always be right.

Losingtheplod · 25/10/2016 10:59

Do you really want your DD to grow up thinking it is OK to criticize other peoples bodies, jobs, or personalities? What do you think it will do to her confidence? It needs to stop, one way or another. You are definitely not being oversensitive.

Cary2012 · 25/10/2016 11:02

How would you feel OP if in twenty years time your daughter came to you and said that she was being treated like you are being treated?

If she said someone was controlling her with money, and she was cutting out labels of jeans?

Think about how you'd feel as a mum hearing that.

If my adult daughters told me half of what you told us, I'd be seeing red flags for miles around.

He's abusive. Carving a pumpkin doesn't make up for any of it, nothing can justify his behaviour.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 25/10/2016 11:02

OP, you are minimising.
You may think that you can live like this, but very sadly, you will become a shadow of the person you once were.
Your DP/H, and his cruel jibes, will slowly grind you down.
So he likes carving pumpkins, big deal !
He will become more brazen, putting you down in front of your daughter.
Don't even think about having another child with him, a recipe for disaster.

Original poster
Onlyonce · 25/10/2016 11:03

If I had gone in he would have ended things with me. We do need to get on top of her sleeping. I knew she didn't really need anything as I had checked before and taken her to the toilet.

OP posts:
Matrixreloaded · 25/10/2016 11:03

Why would you change? There's nothing wrong with you.

You cannot change anyone else. He's abusive because he enjoys being so. Perhaps start to educate yourself about abusive behaviour . There's plenty of stuff online. Unfortunately it's only going to get worse.

SleepyRoo · 25/10/2016 11:04

Sounds like a nasty piece of work. The contempt, the criticism, the selfishness. I'm sorry but I think you'd be better off without him.

Original poster
Onlyonce · 25/10/2016 11:04

I am seeing a counsellor at the moment. Have a hard time with emotional eating which we are working on. History of food issues. My mum is morbidly obese. I was underweight as a teenager

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 25/10/2016 11:05

If he can end a relationship because you went to your child, he should fuck off now - does that really seem reasonable to you?

Original poster
Onlyonce · 25/10/2016 11:06

The only thing that would make me leave will be if he comments on her body. If he does that once he won't do it again. She adores him so I'm not going to leave as long as she is happy

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 25/10/2016 11:09

I'm afraid you are completely deluded

She will learn about relationships from watching you - do you want her to have this kind of partner in future?

By the time she is old enough for him to comment on her body negatively, you'll have been there even longer, and been crushed further, so you won't have the strength to leave

Penfold007 · 25/10/2016 11:09

You posted about this before and were told he was abusive. Nothing has changed, he is still abusive. You and your child deserve better

Matrixreloaded · 25/10/2016 11:10

Op it's equally damaging for her to hear comments about YOUR body. When children hear abuse it has exactly the same effect as if it was being said to them.

scampimom · 25/10/2016 11:11

No you're not being over-sensitive. Or childish. He is a bona fide, 24 carat, thoroughbred, grade A, 100% proof, towering great twat. He IS abusive. He is controlling. He is a bully. He is a terrible example to your daughter who will grow up believing that this is normal and she deserves to be treated in the same way. He is mean spirited. He is nasty. He is keeping you down to feel better about himself. He is NOT A NICE MAN.

DistanceCall · 25/10/2016 11:12

OP, do you really think that someone leaving the mother of his child because she went in to soothe her (even if the child is taking the piss) is normal? Really?

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/10/2016 11:14

"If I had gone in he would have ended things with me."

Can't you see how controlling this is?

Your dd is very little. Beware he will not be the loving, doting father when she starts to grow up, has her own opinions and attitude. And this will go one of two ways. Either he will abuse her and he with then be abusing the two of you. Or in an attempt to protect herself, she will ally herself with him and you will be abused but your child as well as your partner.

toptoe · 25/10/2016 11:19

A dysfunctional relationship between parents will always impact the child.

Yes, he is being abusive because he can be nice if he chooses. He's putting you down to achieve what he wants. He wants sex, he gets it. He wants to keep you where you are, he tells you you're not attractive or need improvement. He wants you to ignore dd at night, he threatens to leave you. That's abuse: using tactics to control you for his benefit.

This is not something you can change. He may see his dd as an extension of himself which protects her from direct abuse. But she will see and hear how he treats you and other women and that will affect her.

Original poster
Onlyonce · 25/10/2016 11:19

I can see it's not right but I'm no angel either really. Thanks for all your replies. It's helped just to offload and to have been listened to. Also to see it's not all me just being a pain in the arse

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 25/10/2016 11:23

Well isn't he just a peach Confused

If he feels justified in leaving you if you'd gone into your DD then I'd have shown him the door!

Also, I absolutely can not get over him saying if you looked 'better' he'd want to shag you more or have another baby! That is outragious.

If you fancy putting up with all that then go for it. I wouldn't.

toptoe · 25/10/2016 11:25

Actually I remember my abusive ex doing something very similar during the night waking stage when dc was about 2 - almost 3. Must be a common theme with these individuals.

Cary2012 · 25/10/2016 11:26

OP your view of your relationship is so skewed that if the issues weren't so sad and serious it would be laughable.

Why are you condoning this? Why is your breaking point only if (when) he emotionally abuses your child?

Can you not see that as her mother, you are her role model? Why don't you feel like you deserve more?

You're passive and accepting of the unacceptable. Very, very sad for you and your daughter who will grow up to watch her down trodden mum, and think that's all any woman deserves.

You might not love yourself, but you love your daughter, so for her sake wake up and put an end to this.

toptoe · 25/10/2016 11:31

No one is an angel.

We are all able to lose our temper, get snarky, get tired.

The thing is, some people are genuinely wired to put themselves 1st all the time. Literally all the time. You don't realise because often it's not obvious. But gradually over time you see them make some really odd choices and behave in really odd ways and it comes down to them putting themselves before other people. And that others exist to keep them happy. They lose their shit when people say 'no'. A little bomb goes off in their heads because they can't comprehend it. They then think of a way of making sure that person doesn't say no again.

These individuals are not always physical. Physical stuff is often last resort. What comes first is the emotional, verbal stuff designed to make you feel like you need to impress them/do what they say. They can even cry to get what they want and often the tears are real, because they can't understand why they haven't got it.

I don't think someone wired this way can change, because they simply don't see why they should. It's sad for them, for their families. But that's it really.