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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I dont know if this is abusive or if I am just oversensitive?

148 replies

Onlyonce · 25/10/2016 10:04

Ok I am probably just very confused. In no way do I want to minimise the experiences of those who are or have experienced abuse but I don't know if my situation is or not. It could just be me feeling a bit tired at the moment

I am going to do what a lot of posters seem to do and say that in general I think he is a good guy. Works hard, spends quality time with our dd. I just want some perspectives on each of the following points

Over the 8 years we have been together there have been spells of name calling about my body - along the lines of thunder thighs, chubby. After dd was born we were not intimate for about 9 months as he found my belly 'off putting'. Recent comments have happened during dtd - e.g - 'if you were more toned I would dtd with you more often' 'if you get a six pack we can have another baby'. I am at the stage now where I just block it out so it actually doesn't upset me as much as it used to. I used to tell him that it was hurtful but he just didn't get it.

One instance during dtd when I said I didn't want to do something and him saying he would do it anyway. I repeated no and he stopped. He has never been physically abusive with me.

One that is just 'annoying' waking me up to dtd after he comes to bed much later than me and I am already fast asleep

When dd was born, refusal to help with night feeding at all. Thankfully she slept through at 3 months but I was on my knees with exhaustion and begged him to help. Complaining about his sleep being disturbed when I went to feed her.

DD is very hard to settle at night. She is almost ready to drop her day time nap but sometimes she is so exhausted she really needs it. Last night she was screaming for me to go to her. He thinks we just have to ignore her until she learns to settle. I can kind of see his point but he threatened to break up with me if I went in to see her last night. She did settle eventually.

Payment is due for dd's swimming lessons. We need to pay for the next term or will lose her place. he says he wont pay for it until we have talked about a few other things that need doing in the house. I don't have the cash to pay for it or I would just do it myself

Telling me my admin job is rubbish and that I should get a better job / earn more money. I work ft and do all shopping / cleaning / pick ups and drop offs / any appointments / laundry etc

Sorry this is long. I just need a rant

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlyonce · 25/10/2016 10:31

I'm a size 12 by the way. Sometimes need a 14 in skinny jeans. I've cut labels out of clothes before so he doesn't see

OP posts:
moomoo222 · 25/10/2016 10:32

He sounds controlling and a bit of a dick TBH. If you can't leave now maybe you can start to plan a future without him and work towards it? Would you want your daughter to be in a relationship like yours in the future - what would you tell her to do if she were?

Costacoffeeplease · 25/10/2016 10:33

You can't make your relationship better - it's impossible

wowwee123 · 25/10/2016 10:35

most decent people are thoughtful and have a sense of humour. he's nothing special because of those qualities.

Thefitfatty · 25/10/2016 10:36

*I'm a size 12 by the way. Sometimes need a 14 in skinny jeans. I've cut labels out of clothes before so he doesn't see&

Doesn't matter if you're a size 12 or a size 4 or a size 34. He'd say the same things. It's not about your weight.

hermione2016 · 25/10/2016 10:40

Are you happy?
Does he show kindness when you need it, rather than when he wants to give it?
Being a good dad can make us overlook so much behaviour towards ourselves. However it you think about it, is he playing with your daughter for her sake or his? Does he do the tough stuff when it's needed or just the fun things that he enjoys?

I started to sit back and observe my stbex behaviour and it became clear he acts only in his interests, never the families.

MrsWooster · 25/10/2016 10:40

Please try and read your op as though someone else had written it... what will you do when he starts to comment on your DD? To tell her she is wrong, that love and affection are conditional on her behaviour and appearance? That her achievements are not valuable? That she does not deserve time and help?
You may be clumsy, you may be set in your ways; that DOESN'T make his behaviour ok. A decent person would help, pick you up when you stumble, encourage you towards new experiences.
You (and dd) only get one life.

Matrixreloaded · 25/10/2016 10:40

he threatened to break up with me if I went in to see her last night. She did settle eventually.

This is horribly abusive. As is waking you up for sex. You really don't have to put up with this. Did you go in to your daughter ?

Original poster
Onlyonce · 25/10/2016 10:41

Sorry I didn't mean to suggest it was acceptable for someone bigger. I don't judge people on size or anything else for that matter

OP posts:
Heirhelp · 25/10/2016 10:41

He said you did not want to do something sexual and he did it anyway? Sweetheart that is sexual assault or even rape depending on the act. He is also emotional abusive. Are you happy to bring your child up in an abuse environment?

ShebaShimmyShake · 25/10/2016 10:43

Yes he is abusive and ffs no he is not a good father. Abusers are always lovely when everything is going their way, that's easy. He's sexuar, emotionally and financially abusive. Get out before your daughter thinks this is normal and acceptable.

DailyMailFuckRightOff · 25/10/2016 10:43

It doesn't matter if the examples you've given are spread out. He's trying to demean you and humiliate you by telling you that you're not good enough as you are.

Nobody is perfect - we all have faults, are clumsy, like sleeping late, can eat 300g of chocolate in one fell swoop etc. But that doesn't excuse somebody who you've chosen to be with thinking it's ok to make you feel like crap.

In a variety of ways he is trying to control you. I know you said you can't leave but you can be aware of the reality as a starting point. He probably thinks he loves you and is doing this for your own good, but he simply wants to pull all the strings in your life.

Original poster
Onlyonce · 25/10/2016 10:43

No I didn't go in. Had been in previously as she needed the toilet. I think she sometimes does play up because she knows she can get my attention. It's a regular thing her not settling at night and not really needing anything

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 25/10/2016 10:43

Onlyonce, he is abusive and you should leave him. He will harm your children.

But I think you already know that.

Original poster
Onlyonce · 25/10/2016 10:45

No he didn't do it. I said no. He said he would do it anyway and I said no again. He stopped

OP posts:
leaveittothediva · 25/10/2016 10:45

I'm really mad for you right now. He is verbally abusive to you about your body, and you just blocking it out isn't going to help your self esteem one little bit. Maybe next time he says anything of that nature you might call him out on his bs. And the situation during sex is low. He sounds like he has the ability to be quite the bully. Him putting you down about your work and not paying for child's swimming lessons, is more controlling behavior. Ffs, saying he will break up with you if you go to your child in the night when she's crying, is he for fucking real. You've seriously got to wake up and smell the coffee darling, I mean listen to yourself. Oh, he really cares about dd, spent all night carving out a pumpkin for her, and plays beautifully with her. Blinding. While he treats that little girls mother with utter contempt. You've got to get a grip on reality. He's a complete and utter twat. And I'm being kind there.

Thefitfatty · 25/10/2016 10:45

Sorry I didn't mean to suggest it was acceptable for someone bigger.

You weren't suggesting that at all. Flowers

I was just saying, that his reasons for doing it have nothing to do with your actual size, so don't think losing weight will stop him. He does it to keep you in your place.

Original poster
Onlyonce · 25/10/2016 10:47

Can't remember what he was trying to do. Ive forgotten

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlyonce · 25/10/2016 10:49

I'm really happy in lots of ways actually. Just not with some of this stuff

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 25/10/2016 10:50

Onlyonce, he insults you. He controls you. He prevents you from taking care of your daughter. He says disparaging things about your looks and your job and never ever compliments you.

He doesn't have to rape you to be abusive. And he's going to treat your daughter like that, too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/10/2016 10:51

He threatened to break up with you if you went into to soothe your dd and help her to sleep. That's not an example of a good father.

He withholds money to do an activity, which he could afford to pay. That's not an example of a good father.

He sounds like a complete pig. The question your need to answer is: would you want your dd to be married to a man, who:

  • is financially abusive
  • is emotionally abusive
  • is dismissive of his partners needs
  • is derogatory about her appearance

If the answer to those questions is no. Then you need to get out of this situation. Because she is a girl and if you're not careful, she will see how your dp treats you as the norm. Perhaps you're not ready to leave the relationship. However, if you're not, the dynamic needs to change. And the only person you can change is you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/10/2016 10:52

I missed out

  • sexually abusive.
Daisymclazy · 25/10/2016 10:54

That is how ea starts and escalates, lots of chipping away at you interspersed with 'good times' when he's 'lovely' . PP is right about his relationship with dd being separate from your relationship. Also, 'can be kind', 'sometimes thoughtful'.? Thoughtful can vary but kind should be expected. So says Daisy.

Original poster
Onlyonce · 25/10/2016 10:54

I'm not sure how to change though. I've tried explaining to him, he's seen that it upsets me but then he thinks I'm just being childish. Says I don't talk to him. That I always think im right.

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 25/10/2016 10:55

if you get a six pack, we can have another baby

Er..... What does he think will happen to the'six pack' during pregnancy? Halloween Hmm

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