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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I dont know if this is abusive or if I am just oversensitive?

148 replies

Onlyonce · 25/10/2016 10:04

Ok I am probably just very confused. In no way do I want to minimise the experiences of those who are or have experienced abuse but I don't know if my situation is or not. It could just be me feeling a bit tired at the moment

I am going to do what a lot of posters seem to do and say that in general I think he is a good guy. Works hard, spends quality time with our dd. I just want some perspectives on each of the following points

Over the 8 years we have been together there have been spells of name calling about my body - along the lines of thunder thighs, chubby. After dd was born we were not intimate for about 9 months as he found my belly 'off putting'. Recent comments have happened during dtd - e.g - 'if you were more toned I would dtd with you more often' 'if you get a six pack we can have another baby'. I am at the stage now where I just block it out so it actually doesn't upset me as much as it used to. I used to tell him that it was hurtful but he just didn't get it.

One instance during dtd when I said I didn't want to do something and him saying he would do it anyway. I repeated no and he stopped. He has never been physically abusive with me.

One that is just 'annoying' waking me up to dtd after he comes to bed much later than me and I am already fast asleep

When dd was born, refusal to help with night feeding at all. Thankfully she slept through at 3 months but I was on my knees with exhaustion and begged him to help. Complaining about his sleep being disturbed when I went to feed her.

DD is very hard to settle at night. She is almost ready to drop her day time nap but sometimes she is so exhausted she really needs it. Last night she was screaming for me to go to her. He thinks we just have to ignore her until she learns to settle. I can kind of see his point but he threatened to break up with me if I went in to see her last night. She did settle eventually.

Payment is due for dd's swimming lessons. We need to pay for the next term or will lose her place. he says he wont pay for it until we have talked about a few other things that need doing in the house. I don't have the cash to pay for it or I would just do it myself

Telling me my admin job is rubbish and that I should get a better job / earn more money. I work ft and do all shopping / cleaning / pick ups and drop offs / any appointments / laundry etc

Sorry this is long. I just need a rant

OP posts:
CupofTeaTime · 25/10/2016 14:10

Jesus. It makes me really sad to think women are willing to put up with this kind of behaviour from a partner. OP you really don't have to live like this for the rest of your life. There are men out there who are kind and loving and complimentary and thoughtful. Not an arrogant abusive pig like what you have. If I was married to this prick I'd have kicked him out a long time ago, whether he was good at carving fucking pumpkins or not! He's not a good husband father or person trust me.

HubrisComicGhoul · 25/10/2016 14:44

OP, do you think that maybe your DD's neediness at bedtime is a result of your DP being home? The way he treats you, makes me think that you are insecure once he's home and children are very good at picking up on these emotions and reflecting them.

Why do you care if the behaviour can be labelled abusive or not, especially if you aren't going to leave? My view is that if a relationship doesn't make you happy and there is no way to get that back, it's time to move on. You only get one life and there is no justification for being
unhappy for a bulk of it

leaveittothediva · 25/10/2016 14:45

You honestly need to take better care of yourself. You do sound like your walking on eggshells around him. I know you love your daughter, but at the moment your letting bully boy dictate that love. Call his bluff, next time, tell him if he wants to leave, the doors that way. You don't need to put up with this. Be kinder to yourself. He's undermining even your thought process at present. Your still making a load of excuses for him,when there are really none. How the hell can you even fancy someone who treats you like this. Bullies don't like it when people stand up to them. An ultimatum is required, sooner rather than later. He's lucky to have you, there are very few women that would put up with his crap. Best of luck. Flowers

Naicehamshop · 25/10/2016 18:53

His behaviour is dreadful op.
This is not normal in a relationship. Sad

KellyElly · 25/10/2016 19:02

OP, your daughter learns about relationships from your relationship. If she sees her mother being treated this was it is likely that she will fall into the same relationship pattern herself in later life. She needs to see her mother being treated with respect, not spend her life witnessing a toxic relationship as that will become normal to her.

Could you imagine how you would feel if this was your daughter telling you this about her relationship in years to come? You wouldn't want this for her and you shouldn't for yourself. Either something needs to change drastically or you need to leave, for you and your daughter.

flippinada · 25/10/2016 19:29

I've lost count of the number of times I've seen a poster talk about what a great bloke her husband/partner is, but.....and then it quickly becomes clear what a nasty piece of work he is. It's so sad. OP, you are worth more and so is your precious DD.

That he stopped you going in to comfort your little girl when she was distressed and crying for you is absolutely chilling. It's even more chilling that you went along with this cruelty because you were frightened of his reaction if you disobeyed. This is not the act of a loving father, it's the act of a man who loves control and fear. He doesn't love you, he doesn't even care about you or your DD. What he does love is having a frightened, broken woman at his beck and call and make no mistake he will do the same to your daughter.

If you stay with him, Either she'll grow up like her father and join in with his abuse of you or she'll end up a nervous wreck who's scared of her dad.

notasillysausage · 25/10/2016 20:08

Op how would you feel if your daughter grows up to be with a man who treats her like he treats you? Would it break your heart? Would you want her to leave?

I'm really sorry you cannot see how horribly he is treating you. One thing is for sure, your daughter is watching, learning from you. She will end up with a man like him if you carry on leading this example.

You deserve better and your Dd certainly does Flowers

BitOutOfPractice · 25/10/2016 20:18

Oh op. It seems like everyone is wasting their breath here. But I can assure you he is NOT a lovely guy. Or a great dad. And he sucks as a partner too.

Think about that word: partner. What does it mean? It means an equal, someone to share the load, someone to support and help you.

Does he fit that description?

Original poster
Onlyonce · 25/10/2016 20:44

I've sort of stopped posting. I just don't want to piss everyone off when you are spending time replying to my initial queries and I am not in the right place to leave. I would rather find ways to try and make it better.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/10/2016 20:47

Why can't you LTB?

Original poster
Onlyonce · 25/10/2016 20:50

I want to try and make things better. I have to try and not just walk away

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 25/10/2016 20:50

But you can't make it better, it's not in your power

Cary2012 · 25/10/2016 20:53

Of course you would rather 'make it better'
But only he can do that.
And he's just fine and dandy with the way things are.
And therein lies the rub.

I wish you well OP but you alone can't fix this.

Gymnopedies · 25/10/2016 21:12

The only way to work it out is to call him on his bullshit (unless he becomes violent then you can only leave).
If he threatens to leave, tell him to do it and good riddance (he won't).
If he tells you he doesn't want a baby with you bc you are unattractive, tell him you don't want a baby with him bc he is ugly inside, etc... And don't let go. At the moment it is easy for him to bully you bc you comply, you need to rebel or it will never get better.
He is not a good father though, he refused to help you with your DD when she was her most vulnerable, a tiny newborn baby. No amount of pumpkin carving can beat that.

winkywinkola · 25/10/2016 21:13

You've been trying to make things better for yonks now.

What is he doing to make things better apart from running you down?

If he has an affair, remember it'll be all your fault because you don't have a six pack.

rainbowstardrops · 25/10/2016 21:29

You have to stand up to bullies. If you don't, they win. Simple.
It isn't simple to do that but it isn't ok to allow it either.

Original poster
Onlyonce · 25/10/2016 21:56

I'm going to talk to my counsellor about him. At the end of our last session she said she would be worried for my health if I just blank out his comments. She might be able to give me some help in how to communicate with him to get him to understand. My relationship isn't the reason why I started seeing her but she knows the situation

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 25/10/2016 22:01

YOu can't change him. He doesn't want to change. If he did he would listen to you when you say he hurts you. But he doesn't because he doesn't want to change.

You can twist yourself in knots all you like to try and be what he wants you to be. But you cannot change him.

Gymnopedies · 25/10/2016 22:05

What makes you think he doesn't understand? Could it just be that he doesn't care?

Lottapianos · 25/10/2016 22:07

OP, it's really good that you're sharing his comments with your counsellor. However, she is not going to give you advice about how to make this highly toxic relationship 'work'. As others have said, there is nothing you can do here because you are not the problem

Original poster
Onlyonce · 25/10/2016 22:11

His dad wasn't a good role model. His mother however was the most beautiful soul I have ever met. She died suddenly though so I can't talk to her about him.We are also both quite inexperienced relationship wise in that only one previous partner each.

OP posts:
Purplebluebird · 25/10/2016 22:15

He sounds utterly disgusting :( You and your child deserve much much better. Flowers

43percentburnt · 25/10/2016 22:18

Carving a pumpkin doesn't make a good dad. All children love their parents, little kids even love abusive parents because they know no other way. Just because she loves him doesn't mean you should be together. He can carve pumpkins EOW whilst you enjoy pleasant adult company.

He is a bad egg, you can't change him, he is rotten inside.

43percentburnt · 25/10/2016 22:22

You say his dad wasn't a good role model. I'm guessing you realise your partners behaviour isn't acceptable and may stem, at least in part, from witnessing his fathers behaviour. By staying your lovely dd is witnessing this behaviour and is learning to put up with a future partner treating her this way. You deserve better.

devilinme · 25/10/2016 22:24

The first person you should love is yourself .

If you did you would LTB

The question you need to ask is why you hold yourself in such low regard

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