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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do we make this work?

138 replies

regencyromancer · 20/10/2016 22:10

NC for this one as I don't want to be identified. Have been with DP for just shy of a year, everything was going swimmingly until I introduced him to my kids and family. 4 children ranging from 2-13 who are wonderful but like all kids very demanding. DP has 4 DC from a previous marriage but he isnt close to them and rarely sees them. I have introduced DP to the DC and it hasn't gone well. DP good with the kids but expects them to be seen and not heard, they are kids at the end of the day and they are not always well behaved but they are not banshee's either. He wants me to put the kids to bed at 7 so we can have alone time every night and have dinner w/o the DC but I dont think this is fair. I really love him but dont know how to deal with this. He has been critical of my mothering recently which upset me and he said he expected to be put first sometimes but how can I when they are my children. He wants to go on a holiday but has insisted I leave the kids with my EXH. Hes really lovely most of the time but my DC are a sticking point and Im not sure what to do to make us all more inclusive.

OP posts:
Original poster
regencyromancer · 21/10/2016 13:56

I couldnt wait until tonight and text him and asked when I was going to meet his DC because its almost been a year. His response tells me he doesnt seem keen. He said he thinks it might be too soon as they dont really know much about me all they know is that hes been dating someone. Im going to keep pushing this as I need to know what I am getting me and my kids into. Have said that until I meet them he cant come to mine anymore as its not fair on my DC. MNers you have got me all fired up

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 21/10/2016 13:59

It's a bit worrying he is reluctant. They are adults?!!

AnyFucker · 21/10/2016 14:04

Why would he be reluctant for you to meet his grown up kids ?

Original poster
regencyromancer · 21/10/2016 14:09

DD - 25
DS - 22
DD - 17

So one isnt an adult but still its not like hes introducing me to them as his wife. Im disturbed that hes kept mum about me to them. his divorce only recently came through so they have been through the ringer a bit i suppose but they were separated for years so not really sure what the issue is. hes had girlfriends before me and i believe they got to meet his kids. gave him the option of us all meeting, my kids and his together so that it might be less awkward but hes not gone for that said my kids would overwhelm his. V.angry currently as my kids just arent that bad. Are they boisterous and loud? Yes but they are also funny, loving, kind and considerate. have told him he wont be coming over this weekend youre all right my kids come first and if he wont accept that so be it

OP posts:
OhNoNotMyBaby · 21/10/2016 14:09

OP, you're not listening are you? Why are you so determined to make things work with someone who clearly doesn't want your children around? You've known him less than a year. He is not the man for you. Please put your children first.

You meeting his children (or not) is completely irrelevant.

stitchglitched · 21/10/2016 14:13

Glad you feel fired up. He is basically saying that it is okay for him to be in your children's home several nights a week, dictate bedtimes and try to influence your parenting, but his own children are so precious that it is too soon for you to even meet them or inflict your kids on them.

Although I wouldn't be surprised if he is actually more estranged from them than he will admit and doesn't want to be found out.

Myusernameismyusername · 21/10/2016 14:26

I think there are issues between him and his kids which he would rather avoid allowing you to see.

Orangetoffee · 21/10/2016 14:32

You are right to get angry. Too early for you to meet his kids but not too early for him to criticize yours and your parenting methods.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 21/10/2016 14:39

Really!! So it's okay as far as he's concerned to stay at your house with your 'young' children, but you can't meet his adult children yet!! What is he hiding??
He's not only a self-centred man, he also has serious double-standards.
I personally think he would bring utter misery to your children, and in turn you.

Original poster
regencyromancer · 21/10/2016 14:48

well he has conceded and said he will try and set something up with them when they are all free. Hes definitely not estranged from them he does text/call/facetime them weekly and sees them every other week so theres definitely a relationship there. Some comments up thread have made me wonder its like i am giving him all the committment and it isnt being returned. i do believe that he loves me but i have probably been very laid back about everything and havent wanted to rock the boat. After the treatment of my EXH and bad dates thereafter maybe i dont thnk im worthy of better. in so many ways hes perfect. this is a shit sandwich of a situation. Lets see if he manages to arrange something

OP posts:
Dozer · 21/10/2016 14:51

As a PP suggests, if as it seems you want to remain in the relationship, it'd be sensible - not least for your DCs' sake - to take a huge step back and massively reduce his contact with your DC.

MariposaUno · 21/10/2016 15:09

I'd distance myself from a man who actively tried to keep my dc out of the way, it isn't fair on them and they will feel 2nd best to him.

Criticising your parenting and trying to impose new rules in your house would piss me off no end.

It went wrong when you introduced the kids so it's a sure sign it isn't going to work.
Either go back to where you were before the kids or dump now.

I bet if you go back to not being around kids you will eventually want to ditch him anyway with a clearer head because at the moment you really want it to work when all signs point to its not going to.

leaveittothediva · 21/10/2016 15:59

This man wants you. He doesn't want the whole package, move in with him, and see how crystal clear he will make it. Is it worth the risk of making your children seriously unhappy, living with a dictator. I think not. Your making way too many excuses for him already, thats troubling.

Original poster
regencyromancer · 23/10/2016 21:44

Update: DP and I are no longer together. As you all expected he wouldn't set a firm date for a meet up with his kids and he thought I was being unreasonable when I asked him to let up on my kids. He started going on and on about my kids, used some nasty expletives and at that point I was heading out the door. He has begged for another chance but have told him this isnt going to work. Very upset and missing him but know deep down its the right decision

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 23/10/2016 21:51

Ugh I couldn't bear it if someone was slagging off my children. I think you've dodged a bullet with this one, OP.

Myusernameismyusername · 23/10/2016 21:53

I'm so sorry that it ended that way.
I really think you and the kids have dodged a bullet here

I know you will miss him but he is not a nice man

Original poster
regencyromancer · 23/10/2016 21:59

Agree both hes an arse. he will be better off with someone with grown up kids or no kids at all. now have to focus on getting over him, had a lonely weekend as the kids have been with their dad.

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 23/10/2016 22:02

I know it feels totally shit. Just have to focus on trying to find things to do, can you see your friends?

Original poster
regencyromancer · 23/10/2016 22:04

i have a fairly good support network around me so lots of friends but i havent told anyone yet as im trying to digest it all and cant bear the thought of pushing my problems on to them. kids are back tomorrow i cant wait

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 23/10/2016 22:05

No don't think like that. It didn't work out for good reasons and they care for you. Tell them!

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/10/2016 22:09

Well done. That was absolutely the right thing to do. Stand firm.

Myusernameismyusername · 23/10/2016 22:10

I really admire you for taking a stand here and standing up for what is right if that's any consolation

sterlingcooper · 23/10/2016 22:14

I'm sorry OP. But if hes swearing about your kids now theres no earthlyway it could have ever worked out in the long term no matter what.

This exemplifies the problem of knowing when to introduce a new partner and your kids. Too soon and you risk putting the kid's through a confusing and unnecessary ordeal if the relationship doesn't work out. Too late and you risk falling hard for someone and getting used to them in your life only for it all to come crashing down when you realise they are incompatible with your children...

springydaffs · 23/10/2016 22:31

What a relief!

I'm sorry you're heartsore, and I really hope you will eventually see this is the best possible outcome for you and your kids.

What an absolute relief! Flowers

coolpotato · 23/10/2016 22:33

Whilst it's the right decision, sorry it's ended up like this. Hope the day went fairly quickly.