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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do we make this work?

138 replies

regencyromancer · 20/10/2016 22:10

NC for this one as I don't want to be identified. Have been with DP for just shy of a year, everything was going swimmingly until I introduced him to my kids and family. 4 children ranging from 2-13 who are wonderful but like all kids very demanding. DP has 4 DC from a previous marriage but he isnt close to them and rarely sees them. I have introduced DP to the DC and it hasn't gone well. DP good with the kids but expects them to be seen and not heard, they are kids at the end of the day and they are not always well behaved but they are not banshee's either. He wants me to put the kids to bed at 7 so we can have alone time every night and have dinner w/o the DC but I dont think this is fair. I really love him but dont know how to deal with this. He has been critical of my mothering recently which upset me and he said he expected to be put first sometimes but how can I when they are my children. He wants to go on a holiday but has insisted I leave the kids with my EXH. Hes really lovely most of the time but my DC are a sticking point and Im not sure what to do to make us all more inclusive.

OP posts:
Saltfish · 21/10/2016 03:23

Jfc op are you desperate?

sterlingcooper · 21/10/2016 06:54

I don't think based on the info here he sounds necessarily like a bad man. But I don't think he sounds like a man who is going to adore living with 4 children, no matter how well he gets to know them or how lovely they might be.

Stepparenting is bloody hard. You get a lot of the constraints of having children (and then some) with none of the unconditional love that helps you through the times when they are being annoying or naughty or less than perfect. It is hard with just one stepchild EOW, and it is hard when you go into it with a positive, want-to-make-this-work attitude. I am very sceptical about it being likely to be anything less than awful when you have 4 to deal with, would be living with the (presumably) RP and right at the beginning are already wanting unreasonable things like putting them all to bed at 7pm.

It's a mumsnet classic, but when someone tells you who they are, listen. He is telling you he doesn't want to spend his evenings or holidays with your children. Yes you might have a talk and he might agree to try to change and accept them more. But I really, really wouldn't pin too many hopes on that working out long term.

Dozer · 21/10/2016 07:41

He's OK really because he asks your DC about their day and what they'd like to do when they grow up?!

Well, that's alright then.

Sounds like all his parenting experience with his own DC has been really useful. Perhaps after a stint around your four - if they can keep out of his way so you have plenty of "couple time" and stick to his rules - he might progress to taking them to a film!

Hissy · 21/10/2016 07:41

So now you know why his jet set arse is single...

He's awful! Put your kids first and dump him

ILoveAutumnLeaves · 21/10/2016 07:57

I love kids, pretty much most of them, but to live with 4 kids, that aren't yours & that you don't have 'control over' is pretty daunting. It takes someone with an ENTIRELY different outlook to his, to make it work.

THIS is exactly why I think waiting a year to meet the other person's kids is a bad idea.

NickiFury · 21/10/2016 08:28

He doesn't want a women with children. But he is "settling" because he probably can't find one without them at his age. I am not trying to be harsh but if single woman with no children came along and showed an interest he would he off like a rocket and would find a way to justify it to himself as fine.

I don't think you're going to end this, you're going to keep plugging away at it out of desperation and no one will be happy, even you, you will be eternal peacemaker and have no decent relationship with any of them. I've seen this happen so many times.

You're not going to do anything about it though, because you want to be with him and that's overriding your common sense so the above paragraph is your future.

Good luck - to your kids. There is someone out there for you who will accept and even like possible grow to love your kids but they won't have a chance while you're hanging onto this man.

Whocansay · 21/10/2016 08:35

What's this 'happy medium' bullshit? You are a family. If he is coming to join your family, he can fit in around everyone else. You can make small changes, but he doesn't get to dictate everyone else's life. Sending teenagers to bed at 7pm to suit him? Really?

It doesn't sound like a good idea. He wants someone with no responsibilities.

GummyGoddess · 21/10/2016 09:42

Please don't move him in. My mum did this and it was so awful. She never stood up for me and when I tried to tell her how awful me and my brother were finding it via a letter, she showed him and he just mocked me for it.

I remember him trying to convince her to first send us to our dad's because"it's so important for them to have a good relationship with their father" which eventually progressed to trying to get us to move there so he and my mum could be a "proper family " with my (half) sister.

He was verbally and physically abusive by the time I moved out to uni (and refused to move back after the first Christmas holiday when I realised that it was worse than I remembered ) and our relationship with our mum has never really recovered even after she divorced him almost 10 years ago.

corythatwas · 21/10/2016 09:57

regencyromancer Thu 20-Oct-16 23:41:53
"Bob I agree and thats why I NC because I knew I would get flamed. Hes not a bad man at all but because hes struggling with my DC hes enemy of the state."

It's not because he admits he is struggling- it's because he expects them to make all the compromises:

not join their own parent for dinner in their own home

go to bed at 7 (at 13!!!!)

not come with you on holiday

be seen and not heard in their own home

He is a grown man who is moving into an existing household: if there are compromises to be made they should jolly well be made by him, not by the 4 young children who live there.

forumdonkey puts her finger right on it: "expect" and "insist" are not the words to use when you are moving into somebody's home.

Can you imagine what it would be like for your children to grow up knowing that their friends' parents enjoy holidaying with them and talking to them over the dinner party and playing with them- but they have to stay out of sight so as not to upset their stepfather?

You have no right to wait until your bf (possibly) learns to like your children: they have a right to live in a house where nobody dislikes them.

Somebody who prioritised his jet setting lifestyle before his own children made a choice. Some men do grow up in middle age and learn to put others first. Is this what we're seeing here? "expects", "insists"...

DorindaJ · 21/10/2016 10:02

If you are not going to dump him, go back to dating. Keep him and the times you enjoy/share with him separate from the time you are with your children.

It is not ideal, but you want to continue seeing him. I would ensure his exposure to your kids are just in passing (no planned activities)

Enjoy the relationship for what it is. It is so difficult to be a step parent, a man who is critical of your children so early on will struggle with this. Your children deserve wholehearted warm, caring support/involvement from him.

Mum4Fergus · 21/10/2016 10:08

This reads a bit like Flowers in the Attic Confused

LellyMcKelly · 21/10/2016 10:21

You're not the woman for him. He needs a woman with no kids. How on earth are you going to get a 13 year old to bed at 7pm?!

Scarydinosaurs · 21/10/2016 10:35

Would you like to be as close to your own children when they are in their 20s, as he is to his own children now?

Do you see yourself as that 'here if you need me' mother, or, 'here no matter what' mother?

Ultimately, he has offered a range of solutions: holidaying without the children, eating without the children, putting the children to bed at 7pm. None of these seem anywhere close to your 'bake cakes and spend family time' ideas. Are you truly compatible?

Can you not just keep him as a boyfriend and date him, and not move him in?

Goddessoftheduvet · 21/10/2016 10:43

A man asking a mother to put him first ahead of her children is destined to disappointment.

I have remarried and my DH knows never to ask the question 'do I come first?' Because the answer is, much as I love him, no. He's an adult and can look after himself, and my daughter can't, because she's a child.

This is going to cause a lot of tension and stress for all of you if you continue the relationship.

mrssapphirebright · 21/10/2016 10:51

He sounds selfish, sorry. If he is serious about you and a long term relationship with you then he needs to accept your dc as part of your life, and his!

Not being close to his own dc is irrelevant. Your youngest is only 2! so you have many years of hands on parenting to go. He is not going to get you all to himself for a very long time.

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like this is going to work.

Callmesausage · 21/10/2016 10:53

Even the way he speaks to them 'what are you going to be when you grow up' so inane and impersonal. He really isn't even trying to engage with them.

KP86 · 21/10/2016 11:14

I wonder why he's not in his own kids' lives... HIBVU

alphabook · 21/10/2016 11:18

He expects the children to be seen and not heard and he expects to be put first. Neither of those things are going to happen, and you need to tell him that. You may be afraid to face the consequences, but unless he's willing to accept that those two facts this relationship has no future.

I also think that "once he gets to know them he'll adore them" is very wishful thinking. He doesn't even love being around his own children, he's not going to love yours.

BertieTodd · 21/10/2016 12:51

Please get rid of this man OP, or you will destroy your children's childhoods.

Original poster
regencyromancer · 21/10/2016 13:03

I fell asleep and then woke up to the above barrage. So I am going over to his place tonight, I have taken on board the many comments and for the record, no I am not desperate, love my kids dearly and just want them and I to be happy. I was actually thinking about showing him some of the comments on here to show how reasonable I am being in all of this. I am also going to ask him if I can meet his kids because I think this might be helpful for us both.

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 21/10/2016 13:08

I do hope you do.

There is currently quite a sad thread on page 1 of this board from an OP trying to leave her DH who has over the course of the last few years isolated one of her children and has been exceptionally strict and unpleasant about him. He tries to control the mother as to how she treats the children. That's where no one wants to see this end up.

And as I said to you, this man could actually be my own father who did damage to 2 families years later. It's avoidable. Listen to your instincts

QuiteLikely5 · 21/10/2016 13:21

Op

You're on the road to nowhere with this fella. He can't be bothered with his own kids let alone yours.

Whatever you do don't inflict him upon your poor kids or at least see him out with the family home.

Original poster
regencyromancer · 21/10/2016 13:23

Username I have just read the thread and now feel quite sad. He is very lovely to the children but it is concerning that he wants so much segregation. I want to give him a chance to talk through things and also see if he's amenable to me meeting his kids. because you're right it probably is a red flag that I haven't met them yet and he stays with me many nights a week. I have a laid back parenting style which works for me and my kids, I get the impression he and his EXW adopted a different approach, far more militant than my own. Mornings are hectic as are mealtimes but IMO thats just kids for you plain and simple.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 21/10/2016 13:39

OP, even if you can show him that you are reasonable on individual points, it's going to take a massive change of heart to turn him from a man who was not close to his own children because he prioritised a jet set lifestyle into a man who embraces living with four children not his own and can accept that most of the time their needs are going to come before his? Has he shown any signs that he is prepared to undergo this change of heart. Or are you only telling yourself that he will change because you need him to?

Myusernameismyusername · 21/10/2016 13:43

You do need to see the dynamics with his own kids because you are only taking his version of events here about the kind of father he is. My stepmother met me twice before she married him, with no chance to really find out how I felt about him. She regrets this now years later for her own kids but it's too late.